Prism*Song

Gesturing Loudly

2012-01-19T20:30:00.000-08:00

Today was my first ASL lesson at the Stonewall Center in Columbus. I have always been interesting in learning a new language, but I have some trouble learning verbal languages as I can't process aural information easily. I could do Latin, but it was less complex than say....learning Welsh (damn those dipthongs) so I want to try to learn ASL. For many reasons, one was to converse with non-speaking people that might rely on ASL as a form of AAC another was to converse with Deaf people and learn about another culture.

Also I want to talk to my friend Jay in his language most importantly.

Perhaps those are all shitty reasons in wanting to learn sign language, but wanting to understand another culture and another perspective is why NTs often interact with autsitics and maybe that is why they struggle.

I've talked to Jay before through text conversations about disability having a disability (Deaf people don't believe to be disabled) and living in a world not quite meant for us. I have had some interesting questions from him. He works with the DD community as a caregiver so when he found out that I was autistic he was curious. He asked me:
What is your functioning level? You are not severe?
I responded back (ignoring how fucking invasive that question is)
It's complex. I have good days when I can understand what is going on and I pass as a typical person well. Then I have days when I am like "rainman" Most of the time I can pass as typical. I have to. It's over whelming and tiring.
It's interesting when I talked to him. I saw a lot of parallels with Deaf culture and the sprouting autistic culture. He empathized with me, I saw in his eyes was we talked on a sheet of paper in the coffee house one Wednesday. I really understand Jay sometimes. I am not Deaf, but I get the fact that Hearing people are just as self involved and arrogant as NTs. I get the frustration of communicating to some one that doesn't see your language as a real language. I get it. I want to get it at least. I feel so unsure around Jay and other Deaf people. I don't want to be "that guy" you know, the allies that I rant about on my blog. But I really connect with Jay. I want to continue the friendship I have with him.

But maybe this is why I am writing this post. I live in a culture that has been scattered to the four winds. We don't have a collective language to exchange ideas and thoughts with. What we have a common feeling of oppression and exclusion. What is Autistic Culture? Is the question I am asking? It's something that I have been thinking about lately as I find myself walking into the Deaf community.

Nerds in the bedroom NSFW

2012-01-13T15:27:00.000-08:00

Or dating as an autist

So for January's blog post I had idea to write about something that has been on my mind lately. Yes I know what your are thinking, but trust me on this guys, this image, is a metaphor.

With a buzz going around about John Elder Robinson, new book "Be Different : The adventures of a free-rang Aspergian" which is basically comes down to: "don't be an autist be normal and shit and maybe you'll get pussy." Which is what most of the reviews seem to articulate. I wanted to put in my two cents with dating an being autistic. I want to share a few stories and share some really personal stuff.

So most of this post is gonna be kinda NSFW

One thing that I keep hearing among the community both the parent dominated "Autism community" and the autist lead "Autistic community" is the anxiety of relationships. Because most autists are cis male, most of the discussion of dating has been geared to that side of the experience. I rarely see any dating guides geared towards female autists or transgender autists. Hell, even most of the dating guides are for hetronormative relationships. I don't see people giving advice to gay men or lesbian women. From what I see with questions about people looking for girl friends on AFF or the various dialogues about parents sadden that their sons can't have typical families or whatever that means. It's apparent that us trannies, fags and cunts don't exist.

Fortunately there is this explaining the "Double Rainbow" phenomenon and touching some important intersectionality concepts. Including being queer and autistic, trans and autistic and agender/asexual and autistic. Which are topics that are almost always cut out of the discussion. As well as Autists in the kink community (another topic that never is talked about because of the context of "kink). There is a lot of topics about relationships sex and gender that are never touch because of our culture's social taboo with sex as well as another taboo. People with developmental delays/disabilities shouldn't have sex. It's something that has been asserted in media and made a joke off. The problem is that this joke is doing more harm than good and it's time realize that autistic can have healthy meaningful relationships with love ones and yes. Have sex. Lots of sex. Consentual. Adult. Sex.

Did I mention sex?

Yes their are autistics that are asexual, I have plenty of autist friends that are aromantic and asexual. That is not what I am pissed off at. They are asexual by their own merit. I don't want to say "chose" because no one chooses anything (I didn't chose to be a gay trans man), however there are asexual NTs too. The autists I know that asexual are not because they are autistic. But because that happens to be their flavor of the "rainbow." Media always inputs that an if there is an autist in any relationship, their relationship is cute and platonic and if it's sexual it's quirky and awkward an that they are a virgin (See Adam). You want to know a fact. Some autists like a rough, some like it dirty. Some like kink, some have fetishes, some are not virgins and some...are perfectly vanilla and guess what? All of them are ok, and natural. Problem is that people don't assume autistics have normal sex lives. They either group us as asexual to avoid the topic or the imagery or they make us perverts. Let us not even go into the idea that non-speaking autists are all "children" and can't consent. Because we know that is bullshit.

I am sure you can program the dynavox to say "Lets fuck like rabbits". I am sure it's been done before.

But back on a serious note. Dating is a complicated manner. I have been abused by my ex husband, abused by my former suitors and while I am going through transitioning I have been less confident in my abilities on attracting a mate. Josh ended up being a breath of fresh air. He has been loving, supportive and flexible. We do fight, argue but we make up and try to learn. He is also an autist too and like myself. There has been some communication gaps. No relationship is perfect, but we manage to sync up. Also, something else I discovered. I don't have sex with Josh...we make love. A phrase I had not much credence too. Yet after the almost nine months in our relationship, I get it now. I know what it means now. It took me a long time but, I had something I never had with my ex; something I guess I am lucky to experience.

Now remember the lube I have on the top of the essay? It is a metaphor. Relationships often have a lot of friction and complications. Teamwork, context and communication can help lubricate it. And you know what? Autists can learn it.

To finish up I want to bring something up. I am sick of the idea that NT women date aspie men because they want to fix them or find their quirkiness "cute". I feel that NT women either negate their disability or exacerbate it. Then if it fails, they are the victims. Maxine Aston often pulls this bullshit (remember the Cassandra Syndrome bull?). Aspie men are not fixer-upers. They are not children looking for a mom. Aspie women are not delicate virgins or on the other side of the table, not butch geeks with motorcycles with a devil-may-care attitude like Lizbeth Salander (I hear a rumor that she might be portrayed as asperger on the movie) or dorky animu weeboos either.

This is probably a news flash for some. But autistics are people. Human, and fallible. We have preferences, identities and needs like normal people would in relationships. We might need guidance and some help sometimes, but we can function in a relationships.

Bard

Silver Bells and Holiday Memories

2011-12-27T11:34:00.000-08:00

Hi kids, still lurking on this blog?

Well I am still kicking, I have just been enjoying my break. However I am sure you all want to know how my holiday is going and what I have been up to (not really I am sure), so here is a short essay on holidays memories and recalling details.

**************

Routine has been the soft fluffy blanket in my life (like the one on my lap) and one that I have hard time getting rid off (kinda like Linus with his). I like structure, simple patterns and things I can remember and organize easily. This is probably why I love the holidays. For some autists, it's chaotic and noise and bundle of sensory issues. But for me, it's a routine I can rely and remember and recall.

except for this year.

This year, is the first where I wasn't with my mom or my dad. I didn't thunder downstairs (or upstairs) to open presents. There was no holiday get together, no collective of relatives to play Taboo with. I was with Josh and his family and for some reason, I started crying on Christmas Eve about it. I was homesick, which is unheard of for me. I never get homesick and I like adventures and trying new things (occasionally when my anxiety doesn't blindside me)and this was planned back in November so this wasn't a "Sudden Change", but simply something that just occurred to me.

This is not my holiday routine.

Just for the record, I did have a marvelous Christmas with Josh's folks who treated me like I was their son, gave me wonderful presents and had a superb holiday dinner. Just to abate any fears that Christmas was terrible (because it wasn't). I will also get gifts and (give my own) to my family later after New Years. So it wasn't like I wasn't going to spend a mini-Xmas with my mom and step-dad.

Still the routine wasn't like last year, or the year before and these holiday memories didn't match or echo to ones before. The thing I like about Yule and the other winter holidays. Is the fact I can recall past experiences and go "oh yeah this is what is going to happen next", I have a library of memories than I can actually go back to to predict the next events in Winter Break, Christmas and New Years. For instance, here is what happened years back and what usually happens every year.

-I go see my mom
-I get gifts
-There is dinner at her place or at Aunt Lynn's
-Coffee and desert followed by family games.
-Go home with loot

This year was:
-Go Josh's apartment
-Hang out with him all break
-Go to his parents
-get gifts
-watch movie
-eat food
-go home

What really threw me off was the fact there wasn't a huge party of family. I wasn't playing Taboo or Apples to Apples and watching my family laugh recall memories and enjoy the peace of being with a clan.

I think that is what the crux of the essay is. I miss being with something so routine and familiar and comforting. my family both the Hannah (my mom's family) and Kramer (dad's family) I miss being with the sea of faces noise and happiness of the chaos that comes with it. It's only time when I feel happy being overloaded with noise, smell and people. For the rest of the year I am pretty much with just dad and myself. Routine and the daily grind doesn't have the right kind of overload (just the wrong) and I am stuck in a system of being underwhelmed and bored.

However while I love Josh and his family and I feel so blessed to be included. There is something to be said about missing and longing the faces you know and remember.

For an autist, family is the only thing we have (for some at least, not all) that is unyielding and unchanging. It's the only comfort we have that we can trust and while my dad has his moments when I want to scream, and my mom has her's when I want to sigh. I love them and I feel like something is missing when I can't spend the holidays with my mom.

Playing the Fool

2011-11-02T20:07:00.000-07:00

The Fool Card

At #0 (or, in some decks, #22, the last card as much as the first of the Majors) the Fool is the card of infinite possibilities. The bag on the staff indicates that he has all he needs to do or be anything he wants, he has only to stop and unpack. He is on his way to a brand new beginning.

But the card carries a little bark of warning as well. While it's wonderful to be enthralled with all around you, excited by all life has to offer, you still need to watch your step, lest you fall and end up looking the fool.

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}

The day after Autistic Speaking Day has left me with a sense of apathy lately. While I have been rather jaded and burnt out with the past events of doing disability activism for ASAN. I personally stopped caring about what lives I will changed or have changed or have left in doubt. You might gasp at this and find it tragic but trust me. This is me drawing the Fool Card.

I use do Tarot readings for shits and giggles. Later I got more interested in Rune casting and I actually excelled in Runes than Tarot. Still, the point of the metaphor is not about how I like to do divination for fun, but why I didn't look before I leap.

I was over doing it. I was throwing myself into my work and thus expended my emotional resources which left me a bitter, jaded and hateful person. I don't like the saccharine kids that want to be Aut-activists, my patients for parents is gone and any superheroish feelings of wanting to save the world, have all been ashed by the harsh reality that the thankless job of being an advocate doesn't bring recognition or the feeling of accomplishment that I desired. I was unhappy with myself, with what I was doing and yet I was still meeting with young women who wants answers. Writing letters to parents, going to talk to other DD self-advocates and even speaking to Melanie's class. Even today at work, I was explaining the wrongs of Aut$pks to a naive volunteer. I keep throwing my ass on the fire for some reason. Highly aware that I am being burnt.

Ladies and Gents, I like you to meet the Fool Card of the Autistic Major Arcana.

I still keep hoping that something will change. That Autistics Speaking day will actually improve relations with parents and teachers instead of becoming somesort of glorified meme. That Aut$pks will change hands with someone else that has been touched by neurodiversity and thus, will have better PR. I hope that one day ASAN will become a leading disability organization, that I will be staff one day with a paycheck. That parents will be reconmended to seek out ASAN chapters to involve their teenangers with.

It's a pipedream I am sure. I am so cynical and dry that I know I am fighting a loosing battle. Yet despite being so fucking jaded I manage to saunter merrily down the path and into a gaping chasm. Maybe the caveat isn't really the cliff in front of me, but the fact I was so blind to it and I keep climbing up and falling back into it.

Let me make this clear.
Don't self-advocate thinking that you will change the world. Self-advocate because you rather fall into the schism yourself than having someone chuck you into it.

Burnt out

2011-10-14T06:08:00.000-07:00

I've had it.

I stretched myself too thin and now I just don't care anymore. I lost any form of interest and sympathy aut-rights over the couple of weeks and it's not a surprise. The protest was exhausting and I shutdown several times over the period of a few minutes. I was stick of parents, professionals and NT in general. I am even sick of other autists besides my boyfriend and best friend Mel. I am just so tired and done with everything.

No I am not quitting the blog.

I just don't see a reason to post right now. I might take a hiatus or post Tikaani art and short stories while I recoup. But I am just done with activism. I have bills to pay a real job to do and a life to live. I am not getting paid to be verbally abused and chided by a bunch of ignorant privileged white yuppies. I might get sucked back in because I can't leave things alone, but I hope I can have a moment of peace.

Most importantly. I am sick of not being allowed to be angry. I am sick of parents telling me to be "nice". Fuck them. You go be oppressed and then we will talk. I have a right be angry, to be furious, but full rage and hate. I don't have a outlet for it anymore.

And I am starting to take it out on my peers. That's gotta go. So I am gone until my anger and rage finds a proper channel.

oblig, bithday annoucement

2011-10-04T05:19:00.000-07:00

Guess who now is twenty five? That's right, this man of awesome.

GIMME SOME LOVE TODAAAAAY.

GIFSoup

GIFSoup

GIFSoup

The problems with calling out "Fake Aspies"

2011-10-01T12:19:00.000-07:00

The cold is keeping me from going outside today. Thank god. Home at Josh's I read the posts on my blogger and livejournal, trying not to scream at the monitor at the bullshit that I happen to read. With the fact that my dearest love is going to brave the cold to fight off the retail wolves. I figured I should bunker down with my coffee, and blankets. I decide I should write this essay.

For the last couple years there has been a divide lately within the general blogging and LJ atmosphere. I see this a lot in “snark” communities and communities of a less douchey nature. It's what I like to call, “Fake Aspie Call Out”. It usually follows when a someone says something rather insulting or bigoted and then hiding behind a diagnosis of aspergers or autism. Thus and individual will call them out on their actions and that they are not really an aspie. Now this is a problem. I've already discussed. My ethos with Self-DX people, personal responsibility and the privileges of being off grid. But one of my irritations is this internet-hero business when a NT (normally) calls out a person and invalidates the poster's diagnosis with anecdotal proof on what a real aspie is and that they are 'self-dx' (which is like the kiss of death in a blog) because said evidence.

This is problematic in many ways. First off, you're attacking the person for what they are. Yes the poster is at fault for using their identity as a shield. You can say: “That doesn't matter! What you said was still still sexism and rather rude!” You can call them out on their actions without attacking their diagnosis or assuming they are not really on the spectrum. Yes aspies shouldn't use their DX as a shield that is true, but assuming whether they are really autistic or not is not making them realize their mistakes. It just make them more defensive and reactionary to dialogue. It also has the unfortunate side-effect of making other auties and aspies less comfortable about discussing their DX or making sure to add reassurances that they are “real aspies” and that one is “fake”. It's also feeding the age-old notion that real aspies and auties should be submissive quiet and very welcoming of Nts “helping them”. If you shout back, resist or act like an asshole; then you are not a real autist but a fake one obviously taking the DX to excuse your behavior and ruining it for the real autists out there.

No actually, what's fucking it up for folks like us is this “real” and “internet” aspergers bullshit. I am sick of aspies throwing their fellow autists under the bus (not going to lie I've done this) and Nts knowing how a real autist should act (like after being told what is what, to be very apologetic and grovel at their feet of their typical overlord), and making the self-advocates job harder than usual (it's always been a pain in the crotch really). Is diagnosis blaming bad form. Yes, absolutely. No one should use their identity as a scape goat. But I know why they do. Getting something like autism (especially late in life) is tasking and sometimes traumatic. It's so much easier to use your new DX to rationalize everything. Over time one will learn to simply accept his or her's DX and take more responsibility for their actions. I use to blame my DX, sometimes I do when very angry and reactionary. It is a bad behavior but not one that Self-DX folks do exclusively. If someone is blaming their DX for their jerk-bag statement online. Don't assume that they are attention-fiends and only use their DX for pity. Some might be newly DX and haven't come to grips with it yet.

The idea that calling out the “Fake Aspies” is suppose to help the real autists, is based on two notions. Normal people are always jerks. Auties are never jerks. The deal is that SURPRISE you can be a dick and an autist. It's important not focus on one's diagnosis, but their actions and taking responsibility for your statements and apologize when wrong should also be just as important. For an aspie, if you are unclear with something or want to say something...snarky or you simply want to call someone out yourself. Call on their actions than what they are. If you don't understand something, getting another person that knows you to clarify privately. Might be helpful.

To conclude. Don't be an asshole to one another.

FlusterCluck: Disability in Fiction why I hate the "disability superpower" trope

2011-09-16T18:39:00.000-07:00

This topic has been floating in my head for a long time and something that I want to approach it and actually talk about it.

aiffe brought this up recently in her post about TV shows she is watching and I responded to the parts about the show "Alphas" here. One of the issues I have within in fiction, or rather Sci-Fi and fantasy is the idea that people of disabilities needs a "karmic balance" or able-body "personal Jesus". It's something I've noticed in books and in movies when the disability is turned into a hurdle to get over or the disability must be balanced with a great power or skill in order to make up for the disability.

This is a big pet peeve and one I am going to address. While the link doesn't explain the problems concerning karmic balancing it did bring up the feelings of worry I have when I see a rise of autistic heroes especially within the Sci-Fi/Fantasy quagmire. It feels that writers have to make them a tragic hero or a naive one (like Lou Arresdale in Speed of Dark), they are normally male and asexual (and yes there are asexual auties, but their also NT asexuals too and queer auties, but autie in books/movies/tv have been portrayed as hopeless cases or asexual which is because writers want to dodge sexually active autists) and he must love numbers and math and be good at computers and in sci-fi books, must have superpower.

And this is where I sigh.

I have not seen an autistic hero, be female/queer/or sexually normal. I have not seen an classic autist be useful in a plot that isn't a plot tool. I haven't to seen a happy aspie hero, that is happily adjusted as he is and contributes to the story in other ways that has nothing to do with his disability. Instead, writers feel like they have to weigh in on their opinions on autism and thus their character ends up being a soap box, like Lou from Speed of Dark and Jacob Hunt from House Rules. While characters like Hikaru Azuma from With the Light are out there(a happy and severely autistic kid in a slice of life manga), they are few and far between and autistic writers are just as rare. Yet that is another topic....

You don't need to make your autistic or disabled hero "balanced" but giving him a superpowerful skill (now before someone shouts out 'what about Tikaani', I want to say, while I don't regret giving Tikaani edidic memory, I do think I should build more of his character and re-designed his savant talent in a way that wasn't used to make him "useful" then again Tikaani was beta character and his concept is in constant refinement, to maybe it's lesson learned), you can however develop him like all your other characters with his own talents and flaws and wishes in a way that isn't showcasing a litany of stereotypes. You can make an autistic character "quirky" and "awkward' but you don't have to point that out all the time (like in Hunt's rules) you don't have to make him male. You can give him a relationship that isn't tragic. If the story does have characters with superpowers you can give him one that compliments and balances the team (say that you have one super hacker, one with superstrength maybe the autist can be a shifter?) instead of a power that is following the "auties are good with math and science" trope.

Rambling aside of ideas to improve the auties in fiction problem, the crux is the reason the disability superpower is aggravating is that accentuates the idea that "Disability is bad" and needs to have something good to even out the bad of being disabled. The fact that only autistic savants are useful in stories is forgetting the fact that not all auties are gifted some are just mediocre all around. Disability shouldn't be painted as flaw that needs to be balanced. Disability should be a facet of a character that makes it whole.

Unspoken

2011-09-04T16:51:00.000-07:00

Language is so incredibly complex. It's a true testament to the highly social society that humanity is. Yet we tend to be so narrow-sided when it comes to language and what constitutes as such. We put things in boxes, and over analyze and structure things that don't have a structure.

This is a continuation of old essay called "speaking in Drakk", of course this is playing off the same metaphor of speaking in a complex language that is hard to understand like the fantastic language of drakk. Not all things are spoken, not all things are easily perceived. Not all things are clearly read. Which is why I am writing this, like drakk, the expression of love is not always obvious. Humans don't read gentle grinding of horns or foreheads like a kiss. Nor do they understand why drakkhani would rub their tails against another, or why eye contact is an intimate act. This is flies over their heads, but for a drakkhani it's obvious what those gestures mean. For autists, it's also obvious what certain gestures mean.

Each autists expresses love in unique fashions. Individual to the person expression affection. Some will say "I love you" others will show it and like in drakk, sometimes it's hard to understand it.

I use affection in the same way a dog might roll over on it's back. It's not out of love sometimes it's out of fear. I am afraid of being abandoned or yelled at, so I shower my dad with kisses or hugs and "I love yous" it's not out of tenderness but submission. I just want to make sure, dad isn't mad at me. It's childish, but it's an act that I can't shake. With my boyfriend, I grind my head against his, I squeeze his hand. I growl softly. Most of my more genuine acts are unusual from the traditional displays of affection. Yes I kiss, but french kissing isn't a favorite of mine, I like rubbing against him and being tickled. Those to me are the most intimate of acts next to making love. I also know when he says I love you, when leans on me. When he kisses the top of my head. It gets to the point when he kisses my cheek I say. "I love you too."

I just know and autistic kids know to and despite not showing it in the typical fashion. They do show genuine love. Like drakk, it's hard to read the first time around.

When is an NT ally not an ally?

2011-08-08T20:44:00.000-07:00

I've done a few essays on the gratification that NTs have when they try to do autism activism. The whole "LOOK AT ME! LOOK, LOOK IMMA HERO" shit that they seem to perpetuate no matter what they do. This isn't an essay critiquing it. This is telling my NT readers how to avoid getting the side-eye.

How to be an ally not an asshole

*) Don't compare an autist with your autistic sibling/cousin/friend/co-worker etc.
One of the biggest pet-peeves some self-advocates have is the tenancy of contrast and compare NTs do when they talk to them. It seems as soon as an autist outs himself or herself to an NT the first thing that comes out of the NT's mouth (besides "Oh I can't tell you're autistic") is: "Oh I have {insert relation} with autism!" Suddenly they have this idea that know they can relate to your issues and problems instantly because of this off-hand and distant connection. Despite whatever your relationship with this other autist is, it's not fair nor is it appropriate for you to compare or believe your in the same ball-park as the other autist. Every autist is unique. Whatever your sister/friend/yoga-instructor is like has nothing to do with the other autist.

Nor do we give two shits if you know someone with autism.

*)Telling an autist that they are doing "so well" is not a compliment
Don't try to praise an autist for passing as normal. It's not a compliment it's a constant reminder if the facade we put up every single day. It's an indication on how "other" we are in relation to you. Every time you praise an autist for passing it's patronizing and continues to divide NT from NA (Neuroatypical). You don't need to remind us that were doing a good job with making eye contact/not stimming/speaking clearly. The only time I see it as ok if the autist and the NT have been friends for years and the autist is struggling to correct a behavior (like stimming in public) only then I see the praise as genuine.

*)Don't try to pity us and say how much of an inspiration we are.
I am not your fucking "feel-good" moment for you. I am not your "precious moment", saccharine coated proverb that you can masturbate to when you feel depressed. Don't go on about how "brave" we are for being autistic, it's condescending and rather asinine. Don't fucking recount our struggles as a disabled minority like you actually understand. It only adds to your privileges as an NT and makes you look like an ass. I have had people compliment me for being brave and strong, but that's only after time has passed and one actually sees the challenges I face than assuming my autism is some-sort of "trial".

*) Do not play "Oppression Olympics"
Don't feel like your disability or sense of otherness is an excuse to invalidate an autist when they are venting out their issues and struggle. Don't jump into the discourse lamenting that having bi-polar is so hard and that autists should be grateful that we are not medicated 24/7. This is frustrating and starts a us/them dialogue that does shit. It's not rude for someone to use their otherness as a frame of reference to gain empathy, but say that you have it worse is inappropriate when the stage is set for an autist to vent. Their are other places to vent about the struggles of other NA statuses.

*)Don't correct our autistic behaviors
You're not our damn therapist. I am sick of allies trying to pretend they are helping when they remind me that I am not making eye-contact or stimming in public. I had a friend tell me that I was toe-walking and I should stop in the middle of the grocery store. It's not your god damn job. Shut the hell up. It's embarrassing to have our behavior brought up and shamed. Not all autistic behaviors should be modified, and it's not an ally's job to judge which behaviors should be modified.

*)Don't tell us we need more empathy
It only indicates you have no empathy. Allies feel it's important for them to go and say: "Don't paint us with the same brush and you should have empathy for "so and so" because of {insert issue with their autistic whatever}." It's not helpful and once again pushes the arrogance that only NTs have empathy and autists just have echoes of it. If an autist feels that they need to state phrases like "I hate NTs, I am sick of NT's making choices for us, I am sick of this NT parent treating their child like a burden" then you should shut up and let us get it out. Listen and don't judge or critique an autist for their anger. Don't play devil's advocate, don't try to make us see "another point of view" just listen for once.

We kill for NTs that just would listen and understand our anger.

*) Don't say that were better off than so and so
Don't try to ignore the issues of an autist by telling them that they dodge a karmic bullet by not being non-verbal/classically autistic/mobility impaired/intellectually disabled etc. Not only does it degrade the issues that autistic with verbal communication or those that can pass, but you're feeding the lie that having a severe disability is "wrong" and "bad" and growing the divide in the spectrum not only that but you're also continuing the constant stigma of having a severe impairment.

*)Don't use terms like HFA or LFA
Don't try to call an Aspie HFA because he can talk, far as you know he could struggle with learning how do laundry and might need guidance with doing simple task. He probably struggles with keeping a job too and deals with unemployment. Don't assume a classical autist is incompetent or LFA because they need staff and lack verbal speech, they could use AAC have skills that you probably could never do.

Don't use stereotypes to construct and feed myths that continue to do more harm than good. Get to know a person.

*) Encourage the autist to speak for themselves don't speak for them.
Don't try to assume you know our needs, don't assume you're being a good ally by telling off the jerkface that called your autie friend a retard. Don't think you're bridging the gap by bragging on how you want to be a special needs teacher and how awesome you think being a self-advocate is. I don't give a shit.

If you want to be an alley, be aware of your privilege be ware of the gaps, don't ignore them. Encourage our voices, and make them stand out in the chorus of opposition and hate.

VLog: Problem with Goldilocks Rhetoric

2011-08-08T11:05:00.000-07:00

Vlog: Rant on Passing

2011-08-04T11:06:00.001-07:00

BRB with post

Rev 3:15-16

2011-08-01T06:32:00.000-07:00

‘I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot! 16 So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth.
-Rev 3:15-16

No one can ever be neutral when it comes to something that effects them so strongly. They have an emotional stake which tethers them into the debate. One cannot be neutral to Gay Rights, when he or she themselves is queer or have a family member or close friend that is queer. One cannot be neutral to immigration policies when one is part of immigrate community. One cannot be neutral to environmental ethics agriculture ethics when one is a farmer or a conservationist.

One cannot be neutral to disability socio-ethics when one is disabled or has a disabled family member/friend.

Picking sides and using reason to be skeptical on both ends isn't being neutral. You have a set of socio-ethics that don't change. You have a set of core beliefs that don't change when you feel they can't get you what you want. You don't warp them to fit both sides of opposing ends.

You have a side. You stand with it.

Call me militant, but I am not a fan of "neutral" stances. Especially when you can't really be neutral. If you wish to side with one side. Stick with it. If you feel the other one serves you and your family better than it's ok to the other side of the argument. But don't try to have your cake and eat it too. You can't claim to be for Gay Rights and Gay Marriage but have a copy of AFA in your bathroom or throw around "Fucking faggots" whenever you get pissed. You can't be religious freedom and then claim that Muslims shouldn't build their mosque near your neighborhood.

Hypocrisy is never pretty. But it's comfortable coat to wear. It's easy to be hypocritical it's easy to be lukewarm. I am not a stranger to waffling myself. Yet when I am told that I need to put on my big point pants and make up my damn mind. I do. If one wants to switch sides and serve another perspective because it benefits them then I see no problem with that. I won't judge them if they think B is more logical than A even though at one point the supported A. But don't say you support B but also claim to support A which have conflicting beliefs with B. Don't say you still support A even though you donate money to a B cause that works against A ethics.

Pick a Side.

Do not waver.

Slow Mornings

2011-07-30T08:17:00.000-07:00

As August creeps up behind me, I sit on the couch of my SO (Josh) and I try to think about what to write on my blog. I don't get many commenters anymore, maybe I am getting too militant, or not "parent friendly" anymore. I don't know. Maybe it doesn't matter if I get nods of agreement or side-glaces of disagreement. Maybe words need to be said at least. I don't know.

Relationship are hyper-complex things. Things that take time and energy to grow and cultivate. Much like the garden back at home (I have Roma tomatoes the size of my fist now), it's a long and tasking process and one that feels that there is very little reward. I think this is what this post is really about. Slow mornings and nights were everyone is awake.

For those that don't actually know. I am courting a young man, Josh and have been courting (note this man started busting out laughing when I use that word) for about three months. Our relationship has been a tentative leap into the unknown. For me it's a chance to "get back on the saddle" for him it's about being in something foreign. Over all it's been an interesting adventure in a relationship with aspies.

We both have AS, my symptoms are more obvious and harder to manage, his on the other hand are not as obvious and he can manage them much easier than I can. Because of this it makes communication a bit....interesting.

Him: *says something vague*
Me: *misunderstands gets upset*
Him: *reiterates confuse*
Me: *gets more angry*
Him: *explains makes a little more sense*
Me: *catches it and apologizes*
Him: *says sorry too clears up misunderstanding*

This doesn't always happen but we tend to have some communication bumps and some things get lost in translation. It happens because I misread something and he does too so signals get cross. However we seem to connect better than any of my last suitors. I don't feel guilty for misunderstanding. Problems are solved and forgot life goes on. Maybe it's because it's my fifth relationship and his first (man 26 btw he was not ready to court folks until now) that we're getting along so well. Maybe it's because we're both aspies.

I think this is the part where I get to the point of the matter. Many aspies assume that relationships with other aspies is easier that NT/Autie relationships and to some degree. Yes. It's easier to relate to someone that shares your perspective a bit. Someone that can get your quirks better. But discounting an NT suitor because he is "NT" and because the relationship would be harder is just as bad for NT to say a relationship with an autist is "too hard".

Perhaps I am counting my chickens before they hatch here. But, for the first time, I don't feel like I have to play mind-games with my spouse to understand him. Or apologize for being aspie.

Which seems to be what it comes down too in NT/Aspie relationships.

Liquid Words (Fic)

2011-07-25T21:08:00.000-07:00

A Tikaani fic that is set in the original universe

Liquid Words

Fandom: Avatar:TLA

Rating: PG

Characters: Ocs (Tikaani and his family) Aang

Warning: (MUST HAVE SOME KNOWELGE OF THE SHOW)

Summary: What if Tikaani could bend? Would bending be his language?

AN: I was inspired by a bending/sign language fic (which is amazing) Tikaani is my semi-verbal autistic OC, he's normally a non-bender, but what if he could bend?

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She had no idea what she was doing, it was honestly a irrational decision to adopt her sister's son. Tikaani was almost twenty months old, and screamed for most of the day. He slammed his head on the walls of his house. Would break things meaninglessly, spin in circles and when he was silent he would stare. For hours. Agna called him a monster, Tigtuk called him a failure. Hanai called him her nephew and instead of drowning him, she adopted the delayed but beautiful boy and hope with time and patience he will speak and speak well.

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love, love is a verb

Maka was not ready to raise his nephew. He was nervous around the confusing young boy, who seem impossible to toilet train and feed and even hold. He didn't want to be held for some reason. That confused Maka. He loved cuddling with all of his children but only Tikaani would shriek and shove him away. Tikaani wouldn't even look him in the eye, but at the window or at the floor. It was starting to wear on Maka and Amana, Hanai's brother. They saw Tikaani, and saw only a shell of human being. Wordless, and hollow. Maka silently agreed, that Tigtuk should have drowned him. There was no hope for this one.

Then Tikaani at age three, spoke.

Not with verbal speech, but with an older, more liquid tongue. Tikaani had his hands waving about him one evening. Flapping incessantly as Hanai and her son, Rahmet made dinner. The eight year old turn his head to the sound of ice cracking. He heard his cousin laugh and jerked his head around to see his nephew bending crack into the ice walls.

“MAMA! Tikaani...is bending!” said an astonished Rahmet. Hanai dropped her uluu and ran to the toddler giggling in the corner. It never occurred to Hanai that Tikaani could be a bender like Rahmet, Amana and Maka. It seemed to be an uncommon trait in her family, Tigtuk wasn't a bender neither was Agna. Yet Tikaani inherited the words of ocean and moon, it was peculiar. Very peculiar.

“Whoa! Check out what Tikaani did mom! He made rings with his bending. That's so cool!” Rahmet said with a half-quirked grin. Hanai was busy giving Tikaani a toy to play with. Keeping those hands of his busy. She looked over her shoulder and saw what Tikaani bent. Rings. All interconnected. Like a strange chain. It was in neat tight rows, but Tikaani bent circular cracks, in strange patterns. It was bizarre and almost scary. She had to talk to Maka. She had no idea what this would mean for them. Tikaani couldn't talk, but he could bend, and bend in an odd way.

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At age five Tikaani's bizarre language began to form with his bending. If he wanted to say “I want” he would try use bending to get it. Because of his lack of body awareness, his bending was lopsided and off. Maka helped him refine it and Amana encouraged him.

“Do you want the cookie Tikaani?” asked Maka as he sat in front of him. Hanai was holding him using a shallow dish of water as his resource. “Can you bend me 'yes'?” he prompted holding out the sweet rice biscuit. Tikaani moaned and tried to wriggle out. Maka prompted him again trying to remain patient, but after the third week of “supported bending” it was getting very clear that it wasn't working. Hanai was getting worried if Tikaani didn't learn to control his bending. It could end up destroying him...and them.

“C'mon Tikaani, bend 'yes' for me. Use that gift you have.” Maka coaxed. Tikaani tried to get free. Just as Maka was going to get up and tell Hanai to let him go. Tikaani screamed and used a tendril of water to whip the cookie out Maka's hand. “OW! Goddamn it!” he snapped as the cookie laid on the ice in half. Quickly Tikaani used another water tendril to grab the cookie halves and bring them to him. Not a second was spared as he ate his treat. Maka looked astounded, but amused. His nephew clearly said: “GIVE ME THE DAMN COOKIE!”

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Excellent words, I can hear them now...

Tikaani was steadily improving. Constant intensive bending plus using bending as form of adaptive language was a unique solution to being non-verbal. Which was a reality that was starting to crash into the rest of the family. Elang, Hanai's eldest was almost non existent at home. He never told the other buffalo-yak riders about Tikaani, neither did Qannit, who spent most of her time with the other seamstresses. The siblings never spoke a word about their cousin, he became something like a family secret, and a family blessing.

Amana observed Tikaani as Hanai and Maka worked with their nephew. He was trying to communicate not bend. For verbal benders, bending was just a means to a complete a task or win a fight. It was a language that many benders spoke but not communicated with. When Tikaani bent it wasn't because he wanted to fight, or make the water move, but because he need to say something. Which is why his bending was different than children his age. He had trouble learning the simple “push-pull” that small toddlers could learn, but he could make water tendrils to point and grab things. He was more skilled with his hands, but his foot work was clearly haphazard. He needed refinement and formal schooling. Yet Hanai objected,

“He isn't ready for school.” said Hanai as Maka lifted Tikaani's hands and made him move in the right order to do a bending pose. It was facilitated bending, but it was teaching his muscles how to move. Amana watched as Maka made Tikaani do the poses over and over. He pulled away and Tikaani repeated the pose on his own.

“Niiiice work Tikaani!” Maka praised lifting water up and turning it into snow to sprinkle down on to Tikaani. The boy laughed and did the same thing, causing Amana's jaw to drop a bit. He couldn't make snow until he was almost 13, it took a lot of control, but he could do it easily. Tikaani toss the water back up again and made snow over and over.

“Ok now he is just parroting, but he obviously over joyed. Look, Tikaani needs a private tutor not a formal school. Pakku would just belittle him and not give him a chance. We need someone to teach him one on one, and we can do that.” she explained as the did the pose again. It was a step and sweeping motion to create waves. It was the push-pull but executed in a manner that made sense to Tikaani. If Amana would think on it, it was like telling Tikaani to do something but breaking the sentence down so he can process it better. The bending conversation could be explained like this: First you must do this, Then you can do this It was breaking the bending down into less complicated poses and then slowly stringing them together into a full 'sentence'. They did it slowly so Tikaani could understand. After he got the hang of it, he can tweak the sentence into any way he wants. So it would be more efficient, but he had to understand the formal “phrase” before he can make it “slang-y” After watching this for a while Amana could understand how Tikaani communicated and how Maka taught him how to bend. A conversation could be like this:

Maka would bend a wave to him, How are you today? Tikaani would redirect the wave back to him remember how to push the water back. I am good, then Maka would turn a circle lifting the wave of water into a fluid stream and send it to Tikaani That's nice to know, we might go fishing today would you like that? Maka would say, flowing the stream to Tikaani, sometimes Tikaani would drop it and would “repeat” a bending phrase over and over if he is confused, but today. I would like that uncle, just us? he responded by taking the stream of water and turning around with it before sending it back to him on the ice in a wave. Maka lifted it back up and turned into a fine snow to sprinkle down on Tikaani, a big grin was on his face. Maka just responded. Yeah...just us kiddo

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At age seven, Tikaani was catching up, not developmentally...but as a bender. He still wasn't fully toilet trained, he couldn't be left alone, but he could use bending to trip up Maka in battle. Hanai smiled fondly as Tikaani could keep up and almost out bend Rahmet. It was starting to become apparent that Tikaani skill was vastly improving only because he was non-verbal if he was verbal, he probably wouldn't be so dependent on using bending to communicate and thus, would probably still be a beginner bender.

Yet, because of that need. Tikaani was using his bending to say everything he couldn't say. Words...that flow over Rahmet's head. Tikaani was far more fluent than Rahmet could ever be at his age.

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There was very deep silence in Maka's house. Tikaani's bending skill at age ten was made fully clear when he had a severe meltdown. Maka nursed a black eye and Amana sat with a bandaged arm. Tikaani ran off again, and while trying to drag him back him he unleashed a volley of insults. Half words and babbling in the form of ice daggers and melting the ice underneath them. As he writhed and tantrumed on the ice. Maka had to keep his balance, his nephew's meltdown was causing massive gashes in the ice around them, threatening them all.

After finally getting him home, they sat in silence thinking what to do about Tikaani. His bending was incredible, but he was a risk to himself and to his family if he couldn't control his meltdowns. Hanai watched as Tikaani talked to himself, making rings in the ice again. His soothing babbling was keeping him from lashing out in anger. She had to ask.

“Why did he get so angry at you, normally when he runs off he comes back just fine?” the question lingered like a putrid odor. Then Maka spoke.

“Tikaani ran away not because he saw something or heard something...he ran because we told him his father wanted custody back.”

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The custody battle between Tigtuk and Maka was long and bloody. The city elders tried to moderate the feud, but there was so much tense emotion that it was getting to the point that Arnook needed to make a choice for the family. Meanwhile Tikaani was training with Pakku who decided to tutor Tikaani in private.

Pakku heard rumors of the “idiot savant”, years ago when Rahmet bragged about his non-verbal cousin and his amazing bending skills. Pakku watched him a few times with Amana. He had to admit Tikaani had a lot of potential, more than that. Tikaani had a window into a world he was ill adapted for. Feeling strings of philanthropy, Pakku decided to play therapist and sifu for Tikaani who was caught in this bloody custody war.

Pakku was sparing with the almost eleven year old child. Tikaani was still delayed in some areas, but caught up in others. He was toilet trained, and could feed himself and clothe himself without help. But still needed to be supervised and his aggression was starting be more frequent. Yet he was reaching masterhood in a fast pace. Savant indeed.

Pakku swerved a wave of water at Tikaani as he repelled it back with shards of ice, eyes focused and in thought.

Who do you want to live with Tikaani? Hanai or Tigtuk? asked Pakku as he continue to send waves of water at the boy.

Hanai of course, she loves me, but honestly I'm just a tool for them all. The only reason they didn't kill me as a child was because I could bend. The only reason my father wants me back, is because I am just fucking weapon Tikaani reply was full of vitriol and pain, sending the waves back in massive surges of ice which Pakku could block easily his calming words trying to soothe Tikaani.

I know you feel used, but I think you should tell the elders who you want to live with. I know you can communicate that to them, but you must not let anger be your voice. The waves were smaller as they lifted Tikaani up on a pedestal. Tikaani responded by melting it and turning the ice into a globe to cover himself up. Sealing himself from Pakku.

They won't listen to me! They just see the idiot. The retard. They don't see the savant. They don't see the warrior. They will make the choice for me. As they always have done. I have words, they might not be in the simple mouth sounds that people prefer, but they are still my words Tikaani declared by turning the globe of ice into a massive wave of water then morph the ice into daggers to fall on Pakku. The elder swept all of them and sunk them into the icy arena.

“Yes. And what beautiful words you have. Purer and unfettered. Despite your disability Tikaani you do have a voice and I feel your frustration. Yet do not let the anger in your heart eat you. Let it go Tikaani, you speak clearly without rage.” warned Pakku approaching Tikaani and placing a gloved hand on his shoulder. Tikaani was still, there was nothing else to say. After a moment though he lifted his hand and pulled a globe of water and let it rest in his palm.

I will speak calmly

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The custody war was finally over when Pakku told the elders that Tikaani should chose where to stay. The elders disagreed at first but then after discussion it was decided that Tikaani could communicate clearly enough to pick who he wants to live with. Tikaani made his choice by simply lifting a wave of water and blanketing Hanai and Maka with snow. Pakku smiled as Tikaani made his choice without the unbridled rage he normally had. Despite what the elders assume of Tikaani's competence, they agreed that the gestured was appropriate and made the declaration that Tikaani will remain the ward of Maka son of Barong. Tikaani walked home with peace in his heart, words still unfettered.

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“You've gotta be kidding me! I can't fight this kid. He doesn't even look like...he's all the way there!” argued Katara as she stood akimbo to Tikaani who was playing with his favorite top. His long hair flowed over his shoulders and deep blue eyes were lost in the spinning of the top on the ice of the training arena. Aang watched him before getting up deciding that Tikaani would be an easy match.

“C'mon Katara, Pakku just wants us to help him. I'll spar him Sifu!” announced Aang getting up and approaching Tikaani.

“Very well Avatar, I am glad to see you're up for a challenge. I am disappointed that you were not Katara. I would think you would find our Tikaani more of a match than your other peers.” Pakku said simply getting to Tikaani's level and using a tendril of water to pull the top away gently. Time for a new game. Do you want to spar with Aang? Tikaani got up and looked at the top for a moment before rubbing his hands on his face and pulling his hair for a moment. Pakku let him stim watching him as Tikaani turned to face Aang. The airbender smiled at the twelve year old waterbender who hummed and flapped his hands. Tikaani bent a stream of water and sent it at Pakku, Ok. I will, he looks easy. Katara had her hands crossed and look at Aang with a raised eyebrow.

“Aang I don't think this is fair, Pakku is just setting you up! Do you really want to fight against him?” she complained as Aang got into a stance.

“Come on Katara how hard can he be? He isn't even looking at me!” Aang sent a wave of water at the Tikaani while his back was turn grinning thinking he would catch him off guard. He was shocked when Tikaani whirled around sending the wave back, swirling it around Aang. The Avatar tried redirect the surge back to Tikaani, but the boy had it under control. Pakku had a smug look on his face as Tikaani was introducing himself to Aang. Showing him who he was. Words completely lost on the Avatar. Tikaani pulled the water back before Aang had a chance to bend it away from him and he solidified it back into the arena. Aang just stood there perplexed as Tikaani went back to stimming again and making ice rings.

“Wow! He could bend just as good as you Katara, but what's wrong with him? He doesn't look like he even knows we exist.” Aang noted as Tikaani bent more rings. Pakku explained, as Tikaani babbled to himself.

“Tikaani is a waterbending savant. He has some sort of...mental delay as child. He can't talk like you and I but he can speak through his bending. He was introducing himself to you. Since you didn't reply he stopped the conversation and when back to talking to himself. Let this be a lesson to you both, do not assume anything about your opponent. Do not draw conclusions about them before the bout begins or you will lose. You will find that many of your opponents are not always what they seem.” Katara felt a bit humbled by this. Walking up slowly to Tikaani she melted the ice rings he was making and turned them into little ice towers.

I'm Katara. Do you want to spar? Tikaani looked up and sent a wave back to her. Yeah ok!

And then, the conversation started again.

END

Movie Review: Mary and Max

2011-07-14T13:28:00.000-07:00

I saw this on netflix out of shear serendipity, it's a cute claymation movie called Mary and Max. Mary Dinkle is a 8 year old girl from Australia and Max is a middle age man with Aspergers and lives in New York and they are pen-pals. It look like a cute movie, so I decided to give it a shot.

Right away I like the animation it reminds me of Wallace and Gromit. It's rather cute and whimsical with narration and the textured desaturated claymation. Mary has a pet rooster named Ethel, makes her own toys from things she finds, her mother is an acholotic that shop lifts and her dad never talks to her. Despite that, she is sweet cute and I seem to like her. Max is obviously aspie, over eats but is also good natured. He's also Jewish and mother committed suicide.

It's also strangely heartbreaking, because Mary is constantly teased, on her second letter to Max she is crying because of the constant bullying and asks Max for help. It's not really meant for children really, because of some of Mary's questions and some of Max's own responses, but it's not our right R. Max also has a severe meltdown and is sent to a pysch ward. It's powerful how while funny and kinda adorkable, it's also painfully real and raw on their lives.

(Bonus Max wears an Aspies for Freedom shirt and I laughted a little)

Max does explain to Mary (in his simple monotone and frank way) what Aspie is. He states to her which nearly made me tear up again. "I like being an aspie, I do not want to change it. As it like changing the color of my eyes"

It's very raw, cute and heartbreaking. It's different from most cartoons and stories with autistic folks. Which why I give it
5 out of 5 hand flaps.

The Socioethics of communitive gaming

2011-07-11T05:58:00.000-07:00

Or. How not to act like a spoiled child in game.

For those that don't know I am a live action role player also known as a LARPer ( yes I am well aware how much of a dork I am playing LARP but it's less boffer LotR and more political intrigue and noir with vampires), I play Vampire the Masquerade . It's super complex and sometimes to understand. I've been playing "Columbus in Darkness" (the name of our game) for almost a year. For an autist, playing a very heavy social game like LARP and one that is very very political in nature. Is severely tasking and I've been known to meltdown after game. It can be hell for some, but I actually love it. LARPing has been teaching me to better read facial expressions, make better eye contact and dare I say it? Learn to lie more effectively.

But I am not hear telling people how useful drama classes are or more political games like VtM for learning better passing skills. This is a caveat to players especially autists who come into a new game unprepared and very ignorant of how the game works.

And make total asses of themselves.

Enter "Karen", she is my age and probably on the spectrum (according to her) she definitely has a quirks and some social impairments. I know her actually from the Gender Variant and Queer support group that I go to once a month. She is trans like myself and I can empathize with transitioning being very very exhausting. Never the less, Karen entered the game and I was totally excited to have my characters meet hers. I play two characters, a Gangrel named Spyke.. I also play Larkin, a Toreador .

I was excited to see Karen's character concept. Was she gonna play a Malkavian, the mentally unstable, but mentally complex clan of vampires? Maybe a one of mage-clan vampires the Tremere. There was just so many paths to choose and I was excited for her. So I was kinda confused when she chose a caitiff or a clanless vampire. Now, for those that don't quiet catch it. Playing a clanless vampire in our game (we play the Camarilla sect) is pretty risky for brand new players. They are hard to play because Kindred (vampire) society looks down on them. They are considered garbage, trash, unworthy of the blood. They are hard for new players because of a sizable stigma on them and screwing up because you're still new to the game could get your character killed.

More or less, playing a caitiff is for more experience players who know the genre and the game well (despite everyone telling her, this was a bad idea and she needs to know what she is doing)

So Karen was playing a caitiff, well I kinda laughed at first thinking she was obviously pretty versed with genre, and has done this before. I also thought she had a big plan with this character. Gee was I wrong.

She was obviously PAINFULLY new to the genre of Vampire the Masquerade. She made a lot of newbie mistakes which was fine because you're totally allowed to fuck up as you go. I did that with Spyke a lot (now my excuse that Spyke was a feral vampire that came to Columbus after her mentor was brutally killed), however unlike Karen, I learned my mistakes, I learned the game. It was hard, tasking and overwhelming at points. Generally first time characters survive for about three months. I was surprised when Spyke lasted triple that time. So I knew "Theresa" was not going to last long in game. I don't think Karen understood that.

Anyway, it was apparent that Karen as a player had poor manners, and didn't understand why she was bugging people. She interrupted conversations (in and out of character), she wore blazers, but didn't cross her legs or keep them closed which was kinda gross for someone in a short skirt. She didn't try to make friends out of character, so everyone saw her as a stranger. Her own character screwed up A LOT, everything from insulting characters and getting crap knocked out of her (in game of course) and having bad manners all around (claiming to be professional and then walk around with a two liter bottle of cows blood doesn't really work, also telling folks you drink cows blood is like telling vegetarians you love eating meat and you don't understand why you guys would just eat plants. It's rude). The top it all off, if Theresa was new to Kindred society people wouldn't have been hard on her. The deal was, Karen made her already a member of the sect that we played (Camarilla) so her character should know all the rules of society and have proper manner for interacting. Making her screw ups FAR more grievous than if she was recently embraced (turned into a vampire). More or less Theresa was going to be killed for screwing up too much, and we thought that it would be lesson learned and Karen would make a character more appropriate for a new player and continue to play. Shit happens right?

I was again wrong.

Last night as I came in, I found Karen by the sign in table. She looked stiff (she always does) and seemed to be waiting for something. So greeted her:
Me: Hey Karen, did you sign in? :D
Karen: No I am leaving the LARP for good :| I am just here to tell that to STs (Storytellers they are kinda like the moderators of the game)
Me: D: aww, I am sorry, well good luck then

And instead of just leaving she hung around waiting for my boyfriend to show up so she can give him her contact info (he didn't until much later but she left leaving me her info). I didn't know why she couldn't email the STs or something. I didn't bother to ask why she was leaving. Though I had a sneaking suspicion.

Before game day, Bonnie's character Ryan wrote a scathing letter to Theresa for her misbehavior during very very important event. Now I must remind my readers, this is all RP this isn't really Bonnie has no issues with Karen, however her character hates Theresa. What I found out later that night, is that is why Karen left the game. She didn't know about the letter until that night. She decided, instead of handing the situation with grace, to throw a fit like a child. She insulted the players, the game and generally made a stink of it. And then flounced off.

Here is the tally for those that are keeping score
-She is playing a very DIFFICULT character not one for new players
-She is new to game and doesn't know all the rules and doesn't ask for help
-Her character continue to make the same mistakes over and over wearing everyone's patience down.
-She decides people suck and she acts like a child when she realizes that this isn't her cup of tea.

Conclusion: I have absolutely no sympathy for her and I hope the doesn't come back until she matures as person an as a player.

Folks this isn't about RP. This long TL;DR example is what it means to have personal responsibility. You do not go into something without knowing the consequences. You learn from your mistakes and be accountable for your actions. We tried to help Karen, we gave her advice, we told her how to access the STs for help get on the IC and OOC email lists. We wanted Karen to be a cool and valued player, but she never took a step back and said:
"This really isn't my cup of tea, I don't think I like LARPing...I am gonna quit sorry and good luck to folks"
or
"I am having trouble with this, I think it's best if I retired Theresa and play a more flexible character."
or
"I am taking a break for a few weeks, just to clear my head."

Instead once she realized she couldn't cut it. She blamed everyone else and acted liked it was our fault that her character was getting her ass kicked. Dude....you signed up for this. We even threw you a lifesaver. This is immature, willful and pretty damn typical.

Especially for autists.

I've seen this behavior in AFF and several blogs. So the question is raised. When is it justified to hold the actions of NTs, and the government accountable to misfortunes, personal or public, and when it is appropriate to take accountability for oneself and be change that you would like to see? The problem is that I see lot of autists blame NT parents, teachers, spouses, their disability the government. I don't see a lot of autists taking a step back an realize that they could improve things themselves but be responsible and changing their own behavior. Understanding ones flaws is a sign of maturity. Realizing that some behaviors can't have the "autism card" pulled on when being called on (IE: I know an AFF member who harassed his female co-workers, he used his autism and them being NT and not "understand" as a excuse" ). Realizing some shit isn't cool an working to change it is important. It's not being "submissive" to NTs (as one autist accused me off), it's about realizing that being an asshole isn't an autistic symptom.

A good autists realizes that sexually harassing co-workers, making racists comments, crying wolf when "trolls" are really people that disagree with you, is inappropriate and seeks to correct behaviors without blaming people or one's autism.

A good LARPer would realize playing very difficult character is a bad idea with inexperience and will play something easier to learn the game

A superb RPer would turn the caitiff into a Ventrue that doesn't know she is clanless, make her in charge of several Non-profits be a totally HBIC, give her some awesome influences and abilities and finds out that she is clanless and totally freaks the fuck out!

What that's what I would do if I played Theresa.....

The Advantages of Self-DX

2011-07-06T06:45:00.000-07:00

Ok admittedly I have been avoiding this topic for years, because I am pretty passionate (read: an asshole) when it comes to the topic of Self-DX. However, I thought this would be something to approached, especially when I have been talking about NT privilege.

There is a an advantage to being Self-DX. It's one that is seen and talked about with in the community but only non-directly. I've seen it commented as being a "Stealth Aspie" being not on the books, or records. Passing well enough without a lot of suspicion. What this really is. Is NT Privilege.

That the advantage of being Self-DX, you have personal label but not one that strips you of your infrastructural status as an NT. The government, local, state and so forth, sees you as an "NT". You don't need, the county's DD (developmental disability) services, BVR or Disability Medicaid or SSI. According to the government you're normal.

This is a massive advantage to folks with a self-DX, they can live their lives carrying the autistic label and suffer none of the community backlash. This is why they tout being a "stealth aspie" this is why many discourage autists on getting a clinical DX. Keep the label, keep the privilege.

Now I am not arguing the the validity of self-DX (especially online), this is not the forum for it (besides that's a clusterfuck of topic). Yet I understand why self-dx is appeasing for folks. Why would you willingly strip the advantages of being "NT" to gain a diagnosis that would haunt you? One that would make getting employed impossible, getting services hard and walking around with a social ghost haunting you.

Self-dx, can have their cake and eat it too. The rest of us that are on the books, can only look at the yummy NT Privilege cake but never eat it.

Something to be aware of Self-DX....

My definition of Self-advocating

2011-06-20T07:49:00.000-07:00

Save the Retards

2011-06-14T15:59:00.001-07:00

It's like Save the Whales for slactivists.

Oh a look a heavy political post for once yay!

Anyway, I think it's apparent on how much the pro-cure aspect of Aut-politics really makes me want to long hot shower and try to wash the disgust off my back. I see the common theme of Pro-cure activism something that is very similar to this:
(Trigger Warning: Emotional content)

Ah yes, sad depressing music with a starving probably exploited black child telling white people that they should save the black child because it's your responsibility to save third world brown/black children. The underlining message is simple, black people in third world countries need while people to save them. It's in every AIDS ad every anti-war protest. It's imperialism in the guise of charity.

Autism Politics does the same thing

It rallies NT (white, middle class NTs) to be "aware" of Autism, to save the poor lost children of this "epidemic" they use the same tools, sad music and feeling of grave seriousness. Because your son could have autism. I kinda wanna go outside listen to some Daft Punk and smoke weed. A buzz could totally kill this depressive shit.

It adds on to the Otherness that aut-adults feel as well as the stigmatization that AutSpks often shoves on them. They are tragedies needed to be saved by the smart rich white NTs. It's repeatedly shoved into our heads both by media and by doctors. The idea we need a Jesus is something that I actively protest. It's the perfect example of NT privilege, the idea that they the personal Jesus of some five year old autistic boy and that their donations and volunteering would "save them" It's gross and it's why pro cure often love playing victim around aut-adults who firmly decry the arch-angelism that NT activists seem to exude. It makes them look like bless saints while we are the poor "ignorant savages" needed to be evangelized and converted. I heard this story before? Didn't everyone die of smallpox?

NT privilege is like most majority statuses, people are oblivious to it and not even aware they have it. Self-Dx I am sure know they have it, hence their avoidance on getting diagnosed. I don't blame them anymore, no one wants their NT privilege taken away. People so unaware of their NT status have a hard time seeing the herohttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gific bullshit that AutSpks propagates. To them it makes sense, after all? Don't we donate money to Cancer, AIDS, Muscular Dystrophy? To them we are another philanthropic venture unto white middle-class patronization.

It's this heroism that's really hurting self-advocates. Not bad policies, charity-corps, or vulnerable parents lashing out at the turn of fate that they didn't want. They are symptoms of a the real problem and why self-advocacy is struggling.

Can you see? They want to save the retards.

Melanie's article is good example of the mindset that most of use are breastfeed on. It's one of the most tiring concepts I've ever dealt with. And every time we profess anger and indignation over being told that they just want to help us, we are whip-lashed with guilt and sheepish remorse. Like we should feel ashamed for being self-reliant. Our identity is being used as a marketing tool and being against this is somehow "terrible" and we are "bad" for saying "We are not your poster children." Self-advocates are being under attacked by Pro-cure NTs calling us fakes and posers, not really autistic and so forth. They are attacking us because we're removing their "hero high" from them. The feeling of being a hero or a superman to their child/sibling/friend/patient etc. I swear it gives them some sort of thrill when they go to walks or fund-drives. Like they think that they are really saving the word. To have a self-advocate tell you, your oppressing us and continuing the discrimination and stigma...wow it does really kill your buzz. No wonder Pro-cures get cranky when we tell them the truth. It is a buzz kill.

It all comes down to egotism, and frankly it's time to kill some egos.

You're not our Jesus.

Thoughts on "Horse Boy"

2011-06-11T10:03:00.001-07:00

I heard about this book months ago at the library, and the premised sounded interesting. Of course I did lift a huge eyebrow on a shamanic horseback ride in Mongolia with their autistic son. That made me go "Oh. White people."

Hate it when privilege families do this crap.

I do have my linger doubts about this movie as an autist and one that is also a shamanic path. I am curious to see how much of this is hokey New Age and White privilege and how much of it is genuine love and an acceptance with a dash of spiritualism.

Now, I will say, I find horse-back riding to be powerfully soothing and it's probably the only natural talent I have, it doesn't make my symptoms go away, but it does allow me to think, and be as I am. I could give up all my meds, to be riding regularly again. I miss riding a lot.

The beginning of course starts off with the typical 'Autism ruin us and our child blah blah we tried everything blah blah nothing work, we were desperate." I wasn't terribly intrigued with that.

Though hearing Rupert go on about how Rowan was calmer and opened up to him on horse back was kinda interesting, I thought to myself "Hippotherapy could be us-oh." Then he mentioned he wanted use shamanic healing because he had experience with it when he was in Africa. Oh. Well. At least his wife had some common sense. But they did decide to go Mongolia to travel on horse back to he shaman after shaman ~~and being crazy white people with shit tons of money Christ~~

They give this kid Valtrex really. Oh they believe in the "Heavy Metals" shit. Great....

I have to admit though, the drumming by the shamans sound like a horse galloping, I was getting really into it. However I kinda rolled my eyes, as they describe that the spirit of Kristin's grandmother was on Rowan, according to the shamans and she is bi-polar, and trying to "take their son away?" Good God.

Quote: "I had to ask myself, did really have his best interest at heart? Was I terrible father?"

Oh Jesus Christ on a Cracker. You dragged our autistic kid to Mongolia. For whacky shamanic crap and you decide that this time was good idea to matyrize. Spirits of the earth...please help me.

Well at least Rowan got use to the shamanic ritual and chilled out, nice adjustment little bro, however I kinda felt bad for Tomo the little Mongolian boy who seemed put off by Rowan. However his interaction with him is endearing and seeing him doing more play with him is nice. Maybe I am jealous because I played by myself and I never liked playing with others. Mostly because I jut got sick of being the "retard".

Though the whole thing with auties being one of the reason humanity is successful is nice little ego boost. THANKS TEMPLE! Rowan is supper cute with the goats though. However when he reject the horse-riding I did feel for Rupert a bit. But...At the same time. Why didn't Rupert let Rowan easy himself on the horse? Let Rowan get to know his partner? It felt like the forced him on the horse. It was bit...jarring.

Eventually Rowan did calm himself while riding and I think this line touched me
Quote:" I am a better father because of his autism." Awww that is kinda cute.

The part of the reindeer herders that live on the Siberian border, is kinda...cute. Over all I was expecting the same, spiritual mumbo jumbo. What I got was something that didn't surprise me, but still made me happy. The reindeer herder believed that Rowan could be a shaman in the future. This brought a grin to my face, because it's common for some indigenous cultures to believe autists could be shamans and that they are different because they are more spiritually attuned to the earth. Personally I rather take that tripe over poisons by vaccines. As a shaman myself, this is kinda encouraging.

Near the end, the shaman said to Rupert and Kristin, that Rowan's incontinence and meltdowns will go away immediately, after he finished healing him. I lifted an eyebrow. Yeah he maybe potty trained, but the meltdowns won't go away. However just as I expected, he was bathrooming on his own and there were more shots of him being chilled than tired and cranky. Oh ok. Was it the power of the shaman, or Rowan learning to adapt? I be the family believes the former...*shrug* I did like the prayer that Rupert gave was to intergration and understanding than a cure. Not bad.

Over all the movie was...meh. I was more annoyed at the privlege of the family than anything else. At least the movie pushed the, "Accept not cure" idea. Which was at least reassuring. Rupert said his son is still autistic but lost all the suffering that came with it and moved passed the emotional and physical incontinence through shamanism. I am still waiting for my shamanic miracle as I pray and listen to the sprirts, but then again. I don't need a miracle.

3 and half hand-flaps.

Speaking in Drakk part duex

2011-06-07T06:29:00.000-07:00

I know I know it's been a month since I've updated, I can expla-no never mind. I can't. I was actually to lazy to update. That. And I have boyfriend now. So I have been madly in love and oblivious to autism politics. I might also co-mod AFF (cue screaming) to help out Richard who is one of the admins.

Dear God. Save me now.

Speaking of praying to supposed deities. This brings up my topic today. I am planning to come out to my mom (again...cue more screaming), this is not going to be easy at all and honestly it's probably going to be the most stressful conversatiohttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifns I am going to have with my mom (this makes telling my mom I am going to live with Patrick seem like a cakehttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif-walk now). Because of this stress I will fall into the violent spiral of Communication Hell, and I won't make DAMN sense on what I am trying to explain to my mom.

This seems to happen a lot to aspies and auties and really...it's the unmasking of passing NT. Get us upset or flustered, language skills go POOF. It is apparent when I start getting into a discussion with someone that I either loose speech or my speech become convoluted. It's hard to have a conversation when I am upset because most NTs struggle to understand what I am saying and they get frustrated and then...everyone is angry.

It's like one of my drakkhani speaking their language to a human that knows it, but is still learning it. When upset the conversation ends up like this:

I could tell Taajah is frustrated, his head is lowered and his face is grim. I tried to ask him in English what's wrong, instead I got a response in Drakk. He flicked his tail and wiggled his ears, the barks and sharp word-clicks made the sentence hard to understand, I replied with a note of confusion in Drakk, I got a more growly response, changing the sentence again. At this point I just backed off. I can't understand Taahaj when he is angry.

Words become harder to understand when I am upset. Langauge almost changes. I have to find a way to keep myself from being upset...or have my sister play translator.

Juxtaposition

2011-04-30T08:33:00.000-07:00

It's becoming interesting on how my disability permeates my life. How it's presents covers my everyday living. I have been pushing pasted the old barriers of my autism and continue to walk forward, and find new limits and eventually move pass them. It's a constant cycle of learning, adaptation and acceptance.

It's that acceptance that allowed me to realize something important about myself. I am not really female. I never felt happy being a woman, I do not truly hate my body however, and my dysphoria is mild compared to other trans males. But the acceptance of one aspect of myself allowed me to accept another aspect and thus I started on the path of juxtaposition. Passing as an NT and passing as a man.

Being NT and being a man are very different concepts of passing. NT is not a choice, being NT is a survival behavior an act of adaptation that is needed for independence. It's funny now passing as a man is not about survival but the purest nature of acceptance of oneself. It's exposing, unearthing my real self to the public and revealing in it's freedom. That being said I am not ready for hormonal treatment or maybe I will never go through with hormonal transitioning. It's up the air, but now that I feel much more comfortable as a trans male. It made me realize why it too so long. It had to do with passing as an NT.

As I stated earlier being NT isn't unearthing oneself and finding joy in letting go of a mask. Never wearing it again. Being NT is about putting on the mask. It's about lying, beguiling the rest of NT society. The idea of mask wearing of making sure my true autie nature didn't bleed through is what kept me from realizing that passing as a woman wasn't making me happy. But I had to pretend to be female to use my woman body to fit in. I kept making excuses to why I wasn't happy as a woman. I am really bigendered, I am mostly male but I am female too. They were excuses. Rationalizations because coming to grips with the fact I am a man was very tedious process. It was cathartic when I did finally start identifying and accepting the fact I am a man. It was a relief. The acceptance of my autism has becoming a blueprint to accepting and living as a trans-man. I found other autists that are trans male they became role models. The process was long and going against the lessons I learned as mask wearing autist. Yet now, it's done.

As a child, you learn from a young age that no body wants you to be yourself. No body wants you to be who you are. When people tell you, "it's ok to be you" it's a social lie. Being who you are when you are born different, autistic, learning-disabled, gay, trans, inter-sexed, deaf etc, is dangerous. Look at the countless people that have committed suicide over their difference. Human culture doesn't want diversity, they don't want acceptance. They want conformity under the lie that diversity is ok. They want people to feel comfy that it's ok to be different, or that...their difference is ok while the others are not. It's vile. We grow up being told one thing and then the opposite. No wonder everything is such a clusterfuck, how can we move forward with social progress when everything is so juxtaposed. How can we create a society that will not harm countless of children with different identities when we have such polar concepts? How can we cry that we love diversity and that it is good when at the same time when abusing and oppressing anything that is diverse? It's a paradox.

And one that will eventually undo us.

Everything Sucks

2011-04-26T20:07:00.000-07:00

Tikaani's expression fits mine. I hate being so sick

Bard's on Autism now Part 1 and Part 2

2011-04-23T18:10:00.000-07:00

Ok ok, blame my illness. But I decided to watch the NewsHour Autism Now special, because I have been slacking in responsive blog. I'll be watching part one and two tonight and three and four tomorrow.

Yeah guys pray for me.

Thoughts on Part one
-MacNeil introduced us to his grandson Nick and right away I knew this entire report is going to be biased. Nick is kind of cute, and he makes the same "eeeeee" http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifnoise I do! He lists off the symptoms of autism and then explains that his grandson his digestive problems.

-Ok so his mom does the "I know it's those "ebil vaccines" conspiracy and says that her kid cries all the time and has the runs. Ok well let just put another frame of ref. I have bowel issues (TMI I know) and I have issues when I just end up being grumpy and rather pissed off, but the tummy problems could be from diet and emotion regulations though an autistic issue in some cases can also be a bi-polar issue too.

-Nealy the sister sounds honestly too rehearsed. She definitely has Normal Child Syndrome many of the questions he asks his granddaughter feel directed like he is getting certain answers. It makes me uncomfortable.

-Nick has an obsession with buses, so why didn't you warn him when you changed his schedule suddenly? You know auties have issues with change, hell I still do and I'm 24. At least the kid seems to be flexible enough to go with it. Kudos for Nick

over all Part one seems...ok....but I know the worse is yet to come.

Thoughts on Part two

-Right away MacNeil goes on the "More common than AIDS cancer and diabetes" tripe. Why do people keep bring that up I mean c'mon

-The introduction to Julie Perin and Logan showed obviously that autism can show up in many ways (DUH IT'S SPECTRUM) what perked my interest was the something that Sally said. She said Julie many not communicate verbal but non-verbal communication works as well.

-Once again...spectrum with Logan and his brothers. Also omg stop with the "high-mid-low functioning thing"

-Yus duh, wider diagnosis is why we have such a rise in cases. BUT THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. (also <3 Grinker)

Ugh It seems MacNeil keeps pushing for environmental causation instead of "Oh hey maybe it's because we changed the diagnosis crits"

over all it wasn't HORRIBLE but it made me feel icky watching

BIASED MEDIA, UR DOIN IT MACNEIL

Chiko Anatomy notes (NSFW)

2011-04-22T20:57:00.000-07:00

This post is not intended for children under the age of 18 contains mentions of nudity.

I haven't drawn Chiko in a awfully long time. So after some thought I decided to sketch him and discuss a bit some some base note on his body structure.

Chiko is rather short. Around five feet and four inches he's is actually average compared to his ethnic group, but to us, he's kinda puny. His build is bordering stocky (all those dumpling Chi-bird), he's fit and has some definition especially around his legs. He still suffers from some balance issues but compensates with excellent reaction time and good ol' airbender speed.

He is pretty cute as far as attractiveness goes. He has a short but round face, round noise and thin lips. Hair is actually slightly wavy but it's cut short to prevent it frizzing. Despite the various scars on his body (most are from the massacre like his missing arm) he's not that bad looking. However Chiko is very self-conscious (you can't blame him) and covers his left side a lot to prevent people from noticing his missing arm. He can hold his own in combat and is quite good in air-bending. His main flaw is his left side, however he has incredibly fierce kicks that can shatter stone and can whip up great gales. He can still fight with one hand which is something he likes to brag about occasionally.

He's a work in progress, but I hope to make him more distinct.

BLARG

2011-04-22T20:08:00.000-07:00

This weekend has been utter hell. I am sick with something I don't know what, but it's killing me. I feel like death warmed over.

Also just a curiosity who still reads my blog? I don't see many comments anymore. Makes me sad.

Dick move Friday

2011-04-08T16:29:00.000-07:00

Once again AutSpks pulls another jerk-baggy move this week.

I am not going even go off on how unethical this. This is down right theft. I am just wondering on what turdmonkey thought his was a good idea. CAPITALISM NOT JUST FOR BIG BUSINESSES

Xenophobia (comment repost)

2011-04-08T16:22:00.000-07:00

This is a comment I made at left/Right brain. http://leftbrainrightbrain.co.uk/2011/04/reconsidering-the-nature-of-autism/#comment-157495

Funny how this is about pain of words when I did something similar myself
http://prismsong.blogspot.com/2011/04/april-2-words-can-hurt-you.html

It's funny you mention xenophobia Daedalus. Reading this and Drone's mind-numbing dehumanization of his child. It makes me think of the metaphors I use when describing autism to other folks. I often use the metaphor of sapien non-humans (my dragon people for instance you can read them here http://drakkhanistories.blogspot.com/) to parallel the experience of being an autist in a non-autistic word. It's easier for people to justify the abuse, the "at home" mad-science the so-called treatments. It's no different than 5th century Ireland. We were changelings then and were still changelings now.

Writing the discrimination between non human sentient beings and humans, is funny how much it echoes. Humans assume stereotypes as facts (IE all satyrs are boozers and rapists) they make assumptions based on emotions (IE the idea that we should hide our children away from nagas because they will eat them) we speak for them without say and so forth. It's funny while writing this I was allegorizing my own experiences as an activist.

Which brings an amused thought. Even if were not human, would our value be erased? Would our sentience be judged? Would be become a myth too?

Are autists humans or are they changelings switched out of their native faerie lands into this weird human word.

Funny thought huh?

April 2: Words can hurt you

2011-04-02T07:28:00.000-07:00

Words can damage and hurt and ways people can't always see. This illustration shows the pain of what words can do to you. Especially...that word.

[sticks and stone can break my bones but words can always hurt me.

The problem with having so many ableist and gendered insults in our language is that we know none of them are appropriate but we still use them anyway. I have slung around the word "idiot" and "moron" all the time. We know that those words are not as destructive as "retard" or "freak" or any a myriad of the prolific patronizing words we slather on kids with DDs. I've heard them all.

Trying to cut back on ableist insults feels like a never ending climb. And many of use will resist with with saying "well I can't understand why people just don't ignored them." Ahhhh yesss abled privilege. Classic. The deal is though it's not like were "sensitive" or "over emotional". Words weight on us, and sink into us. Sometimes we had enough and we get upset over one more "You're such a retard." sometimes...like myself. You realize people have called you the R-word so many times. That you have become desensitized. Numb. The word doesn't hurt anymore because you start to believe it slowly but surely.

Yeah. I am the fucking retard.

words can damage and destroy, it can undo what has been done. For World Autism Awareness day I want people to be aware of the language the use. Both, obviously destructive and patronizing.

April 1: Autism Acceptance

2011-04-01T08:04:00.001-07:00

Day one of the April_Drawing challenge

I had plans for this to be Tikaani but instead I tried another fictional autie of mine. Wilson.

Notes for today:
Autism acceptance today for me is more than being proud of my alter-neurology but something a little more broader. It's accepting the fact that I do have pervasive, and sometimes obstructive disability. It's the reason I have hard time keeping relationships (including my marriage) keeping a job, and many other things (like learning to drive). It's part of me, part of my identity88 part of my nature. It's not something I can remove or alter for long. Accepting one's disability and finding ways to not "conquer it" but to live with it. I think every diagnosed autist out there has those moments when your dad's 9mm in the closet up in the bedroom, seems to be a pretty decent cure. Afterall your disability won't haunt you when you're dead. But that is not the solution. Accepting yourself and who you are, will give you more comfort than fighting an uphill battle.

To me it's not about society accepting the fact that I am an autist. But myself accepting that I am autist.

To quote RuPaul, "If you can't love yourself, how the hell can you love somebody else?"

Plain Talking...Ruined us Now

2011-03-27T08:52:00.000-07:00

((dealing with a break up of my own. Thought this would be good therapy.))

It was going to be a long spring break. I know as soon as I picked Tikaani up from Piano Lessons he was in a bad mood. Rocking softly with Tig's frown on his face. Something happened, I didn't push it at first until I noticed that he was crying. Then I had to ask. For the almost fifteen years I've raised this boy, I've never seen him cry when he was sad. It was out of frustration as a child and as a teen he stopped crying in public. Now my wolf cub was bawling.

“Baby, what happened?” I asked as I pulled into the freeway. He continued to cry as he pulled out his communicator and started tapping on it. He pressed 'enter' and his machine-voice spoke for him. “Shantel broke up with me. Heart pain, go away, all done now Auntie” the communicator said in it's artificial voice. Oh god. Shantel Hensley. I know Tikaani has been dating her on and off. She was in a car crash as a small child and suffered brain damage. She is a sweet girl and her parents are wonderful people, but tends to over react a lot and is really high in emotion. Apparently something broke the camel's back and Shantel broke up with him. I saw it coming really. Shantel has always been bossy with Tikaani, she is accepting of his disability but always had a habit of pushing him. Tikaani has always been the stubborn type. So it was inevitable, does it mean it shouldn't hurt. Tikaani was rocking and rubbing his hands over his face. Rubbing the tears all over his mocha colored face. It was going to be a long evening too...

XxxxXxxxX

I saw it coming months ago. When Shantel stopped texting me before to say good night. She keeps saying she forgets but she never did previously. Now last month when she stopped texting me I knew something was up. I got my answer when my best friend JC told me that Shantel was cheating on me.

“I saw her with Scoots, you know Tikaani, Eddie Collins, Scoots? She was with him.”

“So. She goes with boys. I'm not jealous.

“Tikaani..she was making out with him, I saw it and everything. I even asked her when Scoots left that if she was still dating you and stuff she told me it was none of my damn business.”

“I...I am not jealous. I'll talk to Shantel, get whole facts down.”

JC has Aspergers, and always been the type to state things without knowing how they might affect someone. I do the same thing honesty, so I couldn't judge him. But when he told me that Shantel was cheating on me...I could tell he was being really careful not to hurt my feelings. I think that's why he's my best friend. Because he works hard not to let his “aspieness” try to effect our relationship. Not going to lie, I did have a crush on him for a while, but he's not bisexual like me, he likes girls. So I never told him.

The break up happened after Piano Lessons. She came down from Mr. Sanchez office from her own Vocal Lessons and wanted to talk to me. I felt a weird sick feeling in my belly. Like the kind you get when you're gonna throw up. I know something was going to happen. I didn't know what. I pulled my hair and started to take off my jacket. I tried to brace myself, but it wasn't good enough.

“I'm sorry Tika, it's not working. This relationship is hurting both of us, I can't be your girlfriend anymore.”

“All done.”

“Yeah Tikaani, it's all done. Look you're a really sweet boy. But It's really hard to have relationship with someone that seems to be lost always in their world. I know you can't help it and you seem to find ways to talk with your iPhone...”

“Not lost in world, well acquainted with it. All done. All done.”

“Tikaani do you understand at all?”

“Yes. Not girlfriend. All done.”

Yeah I understand I know what a break-up is. I also know that you are a cheating bitch. It doesn't matter anyway. It doesn't seem to matter whether she was faithful or not. When it comes down to it. Everything falls apart.

XxxxXxxxX

Tikaani didn't eat much as it was expected. I warned Maka and Amana that Tikaani was going to be surly this evening. I found him downstairs in the basement with his punching bag. Type O Negative was blasting in background. When girls deal with break ups, they binge on ice cream and chick flicks. When boys deal with break ups, they drink. When Tikaani grieves he blasts metal and industrial music and beats the shit out of punching bag.

“Hey sweetie, do you feel like talking about what happened?” I asked thinking that now that he moved to drink down his power-aid he could talk to me. His communicator was charging near by. He signed no and shook his head, yet he picked up his device.

“Shantel cheated. JC told me. He saw. He doesn't lie. Can't lie. All done with cheater. Stick with guys now.” he put down his device and started to play “Smooth Criminal” fitting for some reason. I smiled sadly and put a hand on his broad shoulder.

“Hunny, guys can be cheaters too, just ask Amana.”

“Guys are honest. Girls try to be nice.”

I gave him a wry smile. In Tikaani's mind. He rather have brutal honestly than careful eggshell walking. I don't blame him. I got up to leave him to work out his grief, knowing I had dishes to do. I couldn't help recall when a psychologist told me that Tikaani wouldn't fall in love, that autists don't understand romantic love. I laughed at him. I told him that just the fearful abled world not wanting to admit that people like him have feelings. Have hearts that break. It makes it easier to persecute and oppress when you dehumanize something. He just stared at me and gave an awkward cough. Anyone that says that autistics don't have hearts to break, needs to hear my nephew cry as he kicks the punching bag. Desperately wanting the heart break to go away.

April....what?

2011-03-26T06:41:00.000-07:00

With April coming up I decided to shove another project on my plate. April Drawing. Every day on the month of April you post a drawing. It sounds like a great way to build more of my art skills and to up the stakes. I am doing it based on Autism Awareness month and I am posting them here. Some might have blurbs others might be comics and some might be doodles of everyone's favorite autist, Tikaani. But with commissions and the flyers I need to do...I am totally setting myself up for disaster. <.<

Useless facts

2011-03-23T21:45:00.000-07:00

Whats your characters name?: Tikaani

Does your character like their name?: He likes the sound of his name, as a child he use to parrot it.

What does your character wish their name was?: Tikaani wouldn't want to change his name, but little known fact is that his mother was going to name him Kai, his dad disagreed because it was too common.

How good is your characters vision?: Tikaani has some vision issues but sees rather wells

Whats your characters favorite color?: he is calmed by soft pale blues and grays. Texture is big deal for him.

Is your character right handed, left handed or ambidextrous?: Tikaani is a south paw.

Does your character like Salty, Sweet, Sour or Starchy foods?: Taste is hard to pick for Tikaani, but as far as those go, he likes sweet a lot and anything that has a crunch or texture to it. He craves salty too…

What's your characters favorite food?: Plain rice and candied ginger

Does you character like hot drinks or cold drinks?: Hyposenstive, Tikaani wouldn’t have a preference.

What's your characters favorite drink? Buffaloyak milk warmed lightly and when he gets older he enjoys winteroot cider

How does your character like their food cooked? (medium raw, welldone): Tikaani doesn’t like meat much except for sushi. So rare foods.

How does your character sleep?(back, side, stomach): stomach, with his face covered.

Does your character toss or turn at night?: Oh he stims a lot at night (stimming is what autistics do a lot. Such as body rocking and hand flapping) Mostly just flailing his legs (I do this too actually)

How deep a sleeper is your character?: Wakes up frequently and makes noises and then goes back to bed…

When is the best time for your character to sleep? (morning, evening? ..... till noon?): Hanai notices that if he sleeps in the afternoon he is a lot more calmer in the evening but never sleeps at night long enough

What does your character think is their best (physical) attribute?: Tikaani likes his hair and smile.

What does your character think is their best personality trait?: His curiosity

What part of another persons body do they find the most attractive?: Hair especially long hair. He shows his attraction by pulling on it and petting it. He likes the texture and probably smell.

What part of another persons personality to their find the most attractive?: Calmness and being easy going

How does your character view them self?: Unbroken and whole

What season was your character born in?: Spring time.

Is your character an animal person?: No not really since some animals scare him senseless.

What is your characters favorite animal?: Tolerates sled-dogs

If your character could have any pet they wanted what would they have?: Probably something like his plush seal.

How does your character like the space around them? (cluttered, obsessively neat) Really messy.

Has your character ever been to another continent? Cui Bono had him all over the place

What's one thing your character wants more than anything? A way to communicate. To express what he wants.

How does your character feel about bondage? >D I think restraint would be more of a turn off, however he likes water bending as foreplay <.<

How has your character changed since their creation?: He probably one of my most evolved characters.

Having an itch you can't scratch

2011-03-19T06:20:00.000-07:00

It wasn't long before Tikaani heard the shouts of his aunt as he bolted out of the house. His communicator still on the table as Maka chased after him, the only warning that Tikaani gave aunt, was the word "Itch"

The urge to bolt out of the house is not and uncommon behavior for autists. Occasionally I want to get out and run, and I was a "Runner" too as a child (to the point I had a baby leash as kid). Sometimes you just have to get up and go. You don't want to stay still but go, and you get up and run. I pace a lot now, and my running behavior is minimized but I still have that itch.

Currently there has been talk of a proposal for a Diagnostic code for "wandering". I have a feeling this could end badly, and push disability rights back a step. Once again people continue the notion that "we don't know what's best" and we're doing this "for your benefit" without actually discussing this problem with us. It's like every other treatment or issue with ASD. The NAA and Aut$spk rather talk to the parents and those on the outside than those that actually have the issue. Everything about this proposal feels ass-backwards and it screams justification on locking up auties.
"They have Wandering Disorder that's why we have to put him in the kennel with Spot! Honest it's not abuse! Look we have papers"
I am sure their other methods to help these kids and adults with wandering issues and I don't think medicalizing it is gonna help. We again need to cross that bridge and talk to autists on less invasive and restrictive methods to curb wandering behaviors.

Personally. I think a good "damage control" method is simply introducing your autistic child to the neighborhood and have the neighborhood get to know your kid. Having an aware community can be so helpful. Neighbors that know that "Ian" is on spectrum can benefit you. Their awareness means if he gets out and runs off, a neighbor who knows him can find him and take him home. A strong community and aware one is a boon and it's sad that I don't see that anymore. Of course you gotta be aware of who you introduce your child too, but the point remains.

I just know if I was locked up for running I would find other methods to exert that need. Most of them...would be self-injurious.

Loosing myself

2011-03-06T10:57:00.000-08:00

I don't know why

But when I paint. I loose myself. Hands fly over my face. I rock as I strew colors on my page. I totally lose myself into the painting. Sometimes I feel like crying. I might be the music I listen too, it might be feelings of joy when my soul drips into the paints and into my paintings.

I don't know why, but it feels like part of my brains just clicks off when I start to paint. It's odd, I don't talk I just stim and paint.

Curious.

ASAN upcoming projects

2011-03-04T06:35:00.000-08:00

A few things are in the making with the Columbus ASAN.

-Workshops for Self-Advocacy
Coming this May with the help of the Nisonger Center, ASAN C-bus is gonna be hosting hour and half self advocacy work shops for teenagers. We're gonna be focusing on many topics and use interactive games and dialogue to stimulate and and encourage folks to stand up and speak for them selves.

-Poetry Jam: To kick off National Poetry month and world Autism Awareness day, ASAN C-bus is having a Poetry jam on April 2. A quiet and relax atmosphere totally beats any gala or Walk. It's by an autist for an autist event where folks and even parents can come bring their poetry, short stories or even song to sing. I will be doing a monologue and some poetry we will also show case art by autistic artists.

Bard out

News Flash: Water is wet

2011-02-09T18:42:00.000-08:00

So on Monday, I was asked to speak to Parents at Helping Hands. It turned out really well and totally made a good impression with the parents. They asked questions on IEPs Special Interests, and school life. It was over all a wonderful experience and one that my bosses are going to do again during the day time. The OT and PT also want me to share my experience with them too. Awesome!

Now for the main point of this post. After a long and expensive diagnostic evaluation. The counsolers has come to a conclusion

drum roll please...

Autistic Disorder

WELL.DUH.

The Ableism of Sex

2011-02-05T06:48:00.001-08:00

Richard showed this too me last night and I am quiet flabbergasted on why this even on trial

The body of the link

Judge bans man with low IQ from having sex

By Martin Beckford, The Daily Telegraph February 4, 2011

A man with a low IQ has been banned from having sexual intercourse by a High Court judge who admitted the case raised questions about "civil liberties and personal autonomy".

The 41 year-old had been in a relationship with a man with whom he lived and told officials "it would make me feel happy" for it to continue.

But his local council, which provides his accommodation, decided his "vigorous sex drive" was inappropriate and that with an IQ of 48 and a "moderate" learning disability, he did not understand what he was doing. It started legal proceedings to restrict the relationship.

A psychiatrist involved in the case tried to prevent the man being given sex education, on the grounds that it would leave him "confused".

Mr Justice Mostyn said the case was "legally, intellectually and morally" complex as sex is "one of the most basic human functions" and the court must "tread especially carefully" when the state tries to curtail it.

But he agreed that the man, known only as Alan, should not be allowed to have intercourse with anyone on the grounds that he did not have the mental capacity to understand the health risks associated with his actions.

Under the judge's order, the man is now subject to "close supervision" by the local authority to ensure he does not break the highly unusual order. The judge concluded: "Alan does not have the capacity to consent to and engage in sexual relations.

"In such circumstances it is agreed that the present regime for Alan's supervision and for the prevention of future sexual activity is in his best interests."

It is the latest controversial case to come before Britain's Court of Protection. Under the Mental Capacity Act 2005, its judges have the power to make life-or-death decisions for people deemed to lack the intelligence to make them for themselves - such as ordering that they undergo surgery, have forced abortions, have life-support switched off or be forced to use contraception.

In the latest case, the man known as Alan was described as being physically able but "seriously challenged in all aspects of his mental functionality". He lived in a home provided by the council, where he developed a sexual relationship with a man called Kieron by the court. Alan was also accused of making lewd gestures at children in a dentists' surgery and on a bus, although no police action was taken.

The town hall began court proceedings in 2009 to restrict contact with Kieron on the grounds that he lacked mental capacity, and an interim order was made.

"Since then Alan has been subjected to close supervision to prevent any further sexual activity on his part," said the judge.

********

This entire thing rubs me the wrong way. Lets bring up a few things. First off, the trial reads simply "Ew! Gay retards are having sex ew!" It's complete aversion to the idea that "Alan" is interested with having a sexual relationship with his another person (let alone a man) NEWS FLASH!!People with intellectual abilities, developmental delays, mental illnesses and brain injuries are not non sexual people! I know this is a shock to all you able body folks here but guess what, sex isn't just for able people. And the idea that Alan wants to have a sexual relationship with a peer isn't something deviant.

Now I know people are wondering "but what if he lover is not in the same developmental range as Alan wouldn't he be taking advantage of him?" Richard and I inferred that they met in an assisted living situation and they are both adults with intellectual disabilities. I have yet to see any information that is contrary. Until that information is presented.

I am gonna say this is rather fucked.

Restless Hands (Fic post)

2011-02-01T19:22:00.001-08:00

Restless Hands

AN: First paragraph is in the POV of Hanai then it's in the POV of Tikaani, modern interpretation for this story

I just got a call from Elang this evening that the roads are slick and the snow is piling up. He saw two crashes along the Outerbelt of 260 and the weather is getting worse. Which means a snow day for Tikaani. Normally I handle these things with ease but this being our second snow day in a row. I am totally seeing a pair of restless hands tomorrow. If only I can find away to keep them occupied.

********

Auntie says tomorrow I do not go to school, but stay at home. I know that the weather is very bad and dangerous and that is why I cannot go to school, but I want to. I want to see my teachers and my friends Kyle and Samina. I do not want to stay home. I am upset over this, something I can't control or see. I wish I could make the weather go away so I can go to school and not stay at home bored.

*********

Tikaani's tantrum this evening is a sign of his disappointment. Not surprising. It may seem funny to most parents but Tikaani doesn't like snow days all that much. He doesn't like that fact that his entire daily routine is turned on it's head. Once again he has to say at home. Frustrating that is. I told him tomorrow he can help me make supper, and do laundry and watch movies. He seems unmoved by it, typical. He swings his head around and pulls on his hair. Tikaaniese for "I am not thrilled about this Auntie". Well with Ndari coming tomorrow, maybe Tikaani would be less bored with his little cousin.

Probably not considering his distaste for her.

**********

Oh great, Ndari is coming over tomorrow too! Just what I need, an annoying little cousin taking my books, taking my games and my toys and changing the channel while I am watching TV. I am glad that Auntie can't have any babies anymore because she is too old, because most likely, I would have sold my new cousin to gypsies. Or Roma, Auntie says that "gypsies" is a pejorative word. So I have to use Roma.

**********

Tikaani calmed down now, which means I can get some house work done. Hopefully tomorrow, Tikaani won't sell his little cousin to the circus.

Rice Pudding Friday

2011-01-21T07:57:00.001-08:00

I got rice pudding in the oven, and today is a chilly snow day. No work, and all play. I am gonna take this lovely three day weekend to enjoy my watercolors and the snow...from the inside.

Happy Winter everyone

Namaste

2011-01-19T12:31:00.000-08:00

Deal with anxiety is never easy. And there are many ways to combat it. Drugs, pyschotherapy just simply managing it. Yet I discovered something that helped with social anxiety and learning to stay calm in many over powering social situations that might cause sensory overload.

I have discovered that Yoga lessons were very useful.

Yoga allowed me to slow my breathing down and my thoughts so I can think clearly. I've actually used some of the breathing exercises in meltdowns. They have actually helped me.

While yoga isn't for everyone and not everyone and find the benefits I have found. I do believe simple exercise and calming oneself to be very useful and applicable to everyone...not just folks like use

Surprise Fan

2011-01-18T06:01:00.001-08:00

My mom woke me up this morning with a phone call telling me that is picking me up gawd awfully early for my disilussionment hearing. Here we go. Then we have SSI matters and then we're gonna see if we can get me on Food Stamps ~~meaning more money for art 8D~~

However this morning is probably going to start off the weird today. I received an PM (private message) From someone that read my Literacy Narrative.

Hi, I'm Annie and I am a freshman at the University of Central Florida. I was
browsing the Digital Archive of Literacy Narratives for an English assignment
when I saw a video where you were talking about your experiences and opinions
about Autism( just in case you don't remember, it was around February of
2010). I was really happy when you mentioned that you were on
http://www.Fanfiction.net and I wanted to see if I could talk to you. You
showed me a few things about autism and even Avatar: The Last Airbender that I
didn't realize too much before. I wanted to thank you and I also wanted to ask
if it's possible for us to be friends. I know you might think I'm just some
random and weird person that just PMed you out of the blue, but you really
inspired me with that video. I can't wait to read your work and I'm hoping
that once I finally get around to posting my poems and short stories, that you
can help me improve my writing and give some feedback. Thanks and I hope that
you don't think I'm too weird and that I hear back from you soon!

~Annie

I know right? How cool and weird is that.

A Surreal walk down memory lane

2011-01-13T19:06:00.000-08:00

For those that don't know. I am being re-evaluated for my Aspergers diagnosis. I am trying to get actual testing done so I can get services from Franklin County DD. Which has been a bureaucratic nightmare. During the several test and the hundreds of dollars that we shelled out (Which I felt guilty for my mom paying for all of this), we did the ADIAR test which was basically an interview about my childhood to see if I failed any developmental markers that would label me as an autist.

Dec 1 was the first half of the test. It was pretty surreal to hear that I was developmentally late physically and that I lack I think pragmatic speech (I was verbal but never used it to interact socially and to have conversations) I never had interactive play as a child and no eye contact. Today we finished the test and the entire evaluation. I felt a sense of pain for my mom today. As she recalled parts of my childhood that were well...heartbreaking. She always wanted eye contact from me but never got it. I never kept friends, and I withdrew a lot as a child. From the interview, it honestly sounds like I missed a lot of social markers. While I did communicate it was basically needs "Momma I want this, Momma get me this." or feelings but really not to anyone juts myself "I'm tired, I'm sad" and so forth. I recalled rituals of sitting in a particular spot at dinner religiously watching a particular program at a certain time. I stimmed a lot as a child and all the way to adult hood. I formed attachments with objects than people (Esse the frog and Sebastian the cat). It seem like I hit most of the symptoms.

Hopefully this evaluation and the others will make it apparent that I do have an ASD and confirm what I know is true.

Pecking orders

2011-01-12T16:15:00.000-08:00

One of the most interesting trends I have noticed among my walk through the Autism community is a schism that most people rarely noticed.

The schism is the out right classism of the Cure-based parents and autists. Many of these adults are white and have the class privilege of buying into the over the top and expensive woo out there. Those that are on the poverty belt (fuck the "line"), can give into the expensive GFCF diets, pills, weird programs or any other "treatments" out there.

((forgot this bit))
In that stance I see these parents giving into the bullshit judge other parents who simply don't have the means. Sometimes obviously, other times with the backhanded comment that "I will do anything for my child and if you can't, you obviously shouldn't be a parent." I see it discourse with parents discussing treatments. The biggest judgers are the "White middle-class" moms.

Not surprising.

I am kinda curious how deep this rabbit hole goes. I wonder if culture is part of this issue on why white middle-upper class Americans are the most prevalent when it comes to woo?

Perhaps this is more ammo for my "Changeling Culture" essay.

Dear Friends

2011-01-11T06:47:00.000-08:00

Hey friends,

I know my identity as a transman is new and scary for some of you. And you are at lost at what to do. My response is simple. I am still Bard. I am still, funny, quirky, smart and still me. My gender has changed but myself as a whole has not. You don't need you to treat me "like a guy" I just wanted to be treated like me.

With respect
Bard.

This is a letter to all of the folks that decided to shove me into a box and treat me with nonchalant indifference when I am hurt from mistreatment. It's funny how being trans and autistic kinda intersect in that regard

Also Jesus!goat died for your sins

Echoes of Wolves (Fic)

2011-01-06T15:20:00.001-08:00

It was a rare treat, but once in a while, Tikaani smiled. Not a tight lip grin, that denoted unease or apprehension. And not the half-smile-half-smirk that was wry and almost sarcastic, but a real full smile. Tikaani had an incredible smile: a sheer ribbon of white that made his whole mocha face glow bronze. It made his blue eyes seem luminescent. I loved it when he smiled. It always made my day to see that bright grin, followed by that deep laugh of his. His smile could melt the North Pole ice.

Yet, it was somewhat bittersweet. He had that same bright, wild, untamed smile that Tigtuk had. Proud, and joyous. It seemed every day as Tikaani grew up he looked more and more like Tig. I couldn’t tell whether to be proud or melancholy. I should be proud; I should be happy to see his father's blood shine through him. Yet deep down I found it a bit saddening. To see the echo of the man that couldn't love him, that wouldn't love him.

The gods had an ironic sense of humor.

I saw Agna in him too. He had some of her mannerisms. The way he leans to the side in thought, or the way he hums to himself as he works. He had her laugh, deep and rich. He even snorted when he laughed too, like my sister. Yet despite those bits of my sister, I saw more of Tigtuk in him. He looked just like him when he was a teenager. Tall and lanky, like a wolf. Tigtuk moves like one, too, always with purpose and control. Always on the hunt. Tikaani didn't have that lupine kind of gait. His was meandering and haphazard. Yet when he was working or serious, I saw that wolf-walk bleed through.

In honestly, I was not mad at Tigtuk for abandoning Tikaani as a toddler. I understood his reasoning: it was better for Tikaani to be with a family that could give him the resources he needed. Tigtuk couldn't provide for Tikaani; giving him up was actually the mature thing to do. What got me mad, actually, was the complete disconnect. He never talked to me, or Maka, or Amana, or any of us. We didn't exist anymore. He didn't just abandon Tikaani, he abandoned us too. Here in the Water Tribe family was a big deal. To have him just completely ignore us...that was something we couldn't shrug off.

However...what took the cake was the fact that I heard from my niece, Lilu that Tig was hitting Agna. I don't tolerate that shit at all.

I didn't know all the intricacies of Tigtuk and Agna's relationship. I didn't pretend to know everything about them. Confronting Tigtuk wasn't my place as a woman. That was Maka's, but in the Water Tribe, accusing someone of domestic abuse was a grave offense. Maka and Tigtuk's friendship dissolved when Tigtuk gave up Tikaani. Tig never spoke to Maka and vice-versa. For Maka to accuse Tigtuk of hitting his wife, well I think everyone could imagine the kind of shitstorm that would come. It was better to play ignorant than open a can of worms. We didn't need a bloodfeud.

But I knew that it was plausible that Tig did hit Agna. Tigtuk always had a temper. It was like a fuse: once it you lit it, it ticked down until the bomb exploded. I was never afraid of Tigtuk's anger. Yet despite the fact his temper was short-lived, he was very violent. Many a time had he gotten into a fight with the other warriors of the north. Before he married Agna, he lost seven jobs in one year. All because he couldn't keep his anger in check. I thought Agna would help tame that wild wolf and while Tigtuk became more relaxed after their marriage, it kinda faded after Lilu was born, and completely dissolved when Tikaani came into the world too. Once again Tigtuk became feral.

However one always knows: wolves are never tame.

And Tikaani not only inherited his father's looks, but his temper too. Tikaani's temper was not out of rage nor was it explosive. It was out of frustration. Yet when Tikaani did get spiteful, I saw Tigtuk. Eyes narrowed, and his lips curved down into a sharp frown. I saw his father's wolf-like glare and the way he bared his teeth. Tikaani was rarely spiteful, it was also short-lived. One minute you saw the wolf-eyes, but the next minute Tikaani's face would soften and the echo of his father would be gone.

I knew Tikaani would become someone completely unique when he grews up. He may look like Tig, with that wild smile, long frame and sharp angular face. But despite that, he was still a different person. I knew never to let my own judgments of Tigtuk affect how I raised Tikaani. Tikaani was Tikaani, no matter what echoed through him. I loved what Tikaani was growing up into. Someone strong, proud, and full of unbridled joy.

And I still loved that smile of his. Tigtuk should be proud that his son had his gorgeous smile. That wild, wolf smile.

Time for Bed Tikaani

2011-01-01T20:37:00.000-08:00

Stepping Forward

2011-01-01T13:28:00.000-08:00

The lack of posting is mostly my fault (obviously). I have been dealing with a lot heavey emotional stuff including transidenity, my father's verbal and emotional abuse, work and dealing with the constant flow of life around me.

Because of this, my blog has little attention if December is any proof. I hate making resoultions because I could never keep them and they end up becoming more like empty promises. However, I will make an effort to post more stuff here besides art dumps and geek stuff. Hopefully I'll finish that essay I have on "Changling culture" and another post on passing as NT vrs passing as a man. I will have to do more post on my volunteer work "Tanya" but will see how that goes and Yes...more Tikaani art/fiction.

I might also start re-writing some old posts. So question? What posts of mine would you like to see redone?

Drakkhani Reproduction and Fetal Development

2010-12-07T12:03:00.000-08:00

Posting geeky stuff instead of Autism politics today. Sorry about your luck.

Drakkhani Reproduction

Drakkhani start sexual maturity at age 13 roughly. Their fire sacs are now fully mature and their body are now producing the right pheromones for mating and reproduction. Drakkhani men start their version of musth around this time and females go in to estrus as well. Twice a year around mid spring and mid autumn drakkhani are more sexual active and being what is often called "the Itch." Males will be more aggressive and horny and compete for mates often around this time. Once a female chooses the right male they will mate. During marriage rights and courting, the female will of course test to see if the male is worthy by spending time with it. This goes around Winter or Summer before estrus. If the male is worthy she will ask the elders to preform the marriage rights and the male becomes her mate (U'khayi). Once estrus begins the male will begin the task of mating.

Sex is done often in the air as it's often very pleasurable, but on the ground is common too. Male will mount the female mostly from the front (as the tail makes mounting from behind difficult) eye contact as well as mutual grooming acts as foreplay simulating them both. The act of mating last from anywhere twenty minutes to an hour depending on how much foreplay involved. Oral sex is common during mating and males often preform this after intercourse. Afterplay usually comes after intercourse which is usually body rubbing and tail wrapping.

Same sex pairs are common in drakkhani culture. Male crehs are established in traditional dias (clan families) these are normally sexually mature males that ban together and living among the clan. During the “Itch” it is not unheard of to see young males mating with each other “Scratching the itch” is their word for homosexuality in crehs. To lower testosterone levels. Females in their own crehs do the same thing during estrus. It's also not uncommon for males and females to pair bond instead of the opposite sex. Because of the communal raising of young, same sex pair bonds are not left out of raising of children. Adoption is also considered a cultural norm.

Fetal Development

Drakkhani have a two part gestation. First part the female carries the unborn hatching while consuming large quantities of calcium rich foods to produce the shell (which takes about three to four months to grow and surround the emybro) once the shell is formed the female lays the egg which will continue incubate in a massive nest filled with other eggs laid around summer or winter (winter laid eggs are guarded by a creh for young females and males who watch the eggs until spring as many clans migrate during the winter)

Conception-2wks: The sperm and egg join inside the female and start genetic replication. A blasocyte is formed and continues to divide and divide. It travels down fallopian tube and embeds in the uterus. The little clusters of cells began to divide into two halves. One becoming the embryo the other the yolk/placenta.

3-4wks: At this time the embryo is forming. The heart is forming as well as the head case. The cord is also formed connecting to the yolk sac. At this time the female's pH level will start to change and emit an odor signaling that she is pregnant. She will start having cravings for milk and food heavy in calcium.

5-7wks: The embryo is now forming leg and arm buds, the wing bud does not form until the tenth week. A black spot on it's face is the eye. It will often have something like a muzzle a throw back to drakkhani's ancestor to dragons. This muzzle with flatten into a human like face. The heart is still being formed as well as the spinal cord.

9-12wks: The body is still taking shape. It's roughly the size of a small peanut. Around this time the heart will start beating. The wing bud is forming and the calcium that the mother is ingesting will continue to form the shell.

4th mth: At this point in the game the embryo is still inside the mother. The yolk sac is fully developed and will be it's food source from the time it's laid until hatching. Shell is around the embryo providing a spacious cocoon around it until it become too small around hatching. An air bubble would be at the top of the egg during laying which will be it's oxygen source once its lungs are developed. The female will start to lay the egg going into labor. The laying process is around an hour to two hours long. The egg is soft and reptilian looking with tendrils at the end that will hook onto rock surfaces and anchor it preventing the egg from being moved around.

5th mth: Now the process of incubation begins. The egg is among other eggs in very warm and dry area. Females must keep the temperature constant. They will not gender the eggs until the sixth month. Hot temperatures often form female drakkhani cooler temperatures produce males. Much like crocodiles. This is not always a rule. There have been females born in male gender egg clutches. Inside the egg the embryo is developing legs and talons it's hands are forming the wings are also forming. The tail is long and formed as well. Most of the organs are still being formed.

6thmth: At this time the females will gender eggs. Females will get higher heat around this month and male eggs around this time will be left alone. The fire sac is being formed and will not mature until adolescence. The embryo is now starting to look more like a mini-drakkhani now growing into the size of a small bell pepper. Quicking will happen, and the nervous system is now starting to cause reactions. Including tail twitching and grasping with talons.

7th:mth: The brain is developing as the skull is already forming around it. It's senses are also developing. Eyes are now developed. As are the hands and talons. Wings are still growing. The now fetus will start moving around the egg. Turning it's face to the sounds of it's clan mates. It will yawn and grasp it's cord and tail.

8th: There has been dramatic change. The fetus's hand talons are formed. So are it's major organs. The lungs are still growing and will be complete once the fetus's head and mouth reach the air packet in the egg. The wings are now formed. Skin color will be apparent. The fetus will press it' hand against the shell and slap it's tail on it. The shell is starting to be more transparent. The fetus will be seen around the tenth month.

9th mth: The fetus is now growing rapidly. The yolk is getting smaller smaller and the fetus is almost ready to be hatched. The horn buds are forming and it's body looks more like a drakkhani now.

10th -11th mths: At this stage of the game. The fetus is almost complete with it's lungs. It's little face is in the air pocket and breathes the air for the first time. It's lungs are formed. Flight bladders are formed and so is the brain. It's canards are still small.

12th mth: Finally the fetus starts to hatch. The shell is weak and the yolk is gone. The fetus will start tearing open the shell skin with it's back talons. It's a long process. This is observed the clan as the cord disintegrates once the fetus plops out of the egg. It's a very long and exhausting process. Most hatchings take up to two to four hours during hatching.

Twining
Twining is very rare in Drakkhani biology. Many double yolked eggs do not survive pass the first month of incubation. Double layings are also rare however those survive often. Double layings are almost always fraternal however double yolked eggs are mostly identical. Those that survive are regarded as a sacred and the twins that hatch are often raised to be priests. Fraternal hatchings that are different genders are also respected being the living principle of the God/Goddess dichotomy. The problems concern twining mostly fall under one of the twins dying or being reabsorbed. More often than not, one twin will end up with a developmental delay of some kind. Most common are “Turner-Ackman's Syndrome” which has many symptoms that are similar to human's Down's Syndrome. Including mental retardation and low muscle tone. They also would have a flatter scalp and rounder ears. They are often born with small or no fire sac. They will be able to fly but not produce the gas necessary for fire breath and are prone to weight issues and a poor thyroid. Low Oxygen Syndrome or LOS is also a common disorder in double yolked eggs. One twin would not be able to receive enough oxygen during the last leg of incubation. Because of this it will have several delays and neurological impairment. Many will not be able to fly because of sensory processing issues and many will spend their lives on all fours. They will have cognitive delays and will need the care of their clan for the rest of their lives. Many LOS drakkhani are prone to seizures. LOS is almost a 78% in double yolked eggs, Turner-Ackman's is around 67% in happening. About 89% of double yolked eggs will end up being dead.

Double layings will have less chances on having complications. However their have been reports of LOS happening on one of the eggs that have a weaker shell. Weak Shell Disorder also is common with double layings, one of the shells of the eggs will be weaker and prone to collapsing. Females that are expected to gestate two eggs are suggested to double their calcium and iron intake. Conjoined twins are highly rare, those never survive incubation. Dr. Travis Yoland, xenobiologist has the only specimen of a drakkhani conjoined fetus. The fetus died in incubation and was extracted. The fetus has no gender and is joined at the buttocks. There have been only 5 reports of conjoined twins in drakkhani society. Neither have survived.

Notes taken by Dr. Episolon Jadeclaw

Review: Autism: The Musical

2010-12-02T20:54:00.000-08:00

Mel gave me a new movie to review for my blog. As a person that loves a good movie I jumped on it. Now she warned me that it's a mix-mood film. Some parts will make you “frown face” others she said I would love. So I am prepared. Hopefully it would be inspiring and wonderful film.

Plot: The movie is centered around five children Lexi, Neal, Henry, Wyatt, and Adam. It's documentary on a drama and movement group for special needs kids and around Elaine who runs it.

Pros:
-Neal's mom kinda made me smile, she loved and accepted her little boy (who is non verbal) and tried another approach to helping her son communicate. The treatment she was using looked like the Son Rise style of social education which from my experience is less invasive than ABA she also used more creative methods which I liked.
-I am gonna to adopt Henry <3 He's friggin adorable. He's also an aspie autist. We can both geek out over dinosaurs and prehistoric creatures.
-Also Adam is also presh <3 (Flirt too, Go boy, git it git it!)
-I really feel for Wyatt, he does have the “aspie honesty” trait and tells it like it is. I was a lot like him, I withdrew a lot, but the line of “I don't even know why I go into my own world it doesn't even make sense.” Hit home for me. He's so lonely like I was so desperate for a friend. He likes Henry and gets frustrated with him. But you can see that he wants so bad to have someone to talk to...someone who can protect him from bullies
-Lexi reminds me of Tikaani a lot. She's semi-verbal but still very bright. Also a good singer. Those two can totally do a duet (if Tikaani can just stand still for a moment before he bolts off at something XD)
-Roslynn verbally smacking the second in command for the Miracle Project made me grin. She was so peeved to find her son's cello piece cut from the script. Her line “The cello is his voice” totally made me woot. I am artist, drawing is my voice if someone told me after months of working hard on a drawing that I couldn't put it up in gallery. I'll be pissy too. Go Ros go!
-The FC scene was also powerful. I wonder if Elaine would like to meet DJ Sevarese
-The play itself was bright and Adam got to play his cello!

Cons
-I just straight up disliked Lexi's mom on the first five minutes of the movie. Her dad Joe, I heart him. He's loving father.
-Vetrice is just...I hated when she said “Wow, if he wasn't autistic imagine the possiblities.” I mean c'mon woman. Kid is a doll, and verbal and smart and friggin savant he's gonna be a heart breaker when grows up.
Wyatt's line broke my heart “Mom! When bullies grow up they get meaner” I was at the point of tears, because it's true. They get meaner and they get away with it too. Like the AutSpks drones.
The over exaggeration of eye contacted bugged me for some reason
The birthday party pissed me off. I have no idea why Elaine thought it was a good idea to have a birthday party for her classically autistic son. And when Neal hurt that kid by throwing him it was away of saying “I am done” yeah it was a bad move but it was obvious that he was trying to communicate something. Jesus woman....
The parent room scene was interesting but at the same time I was rather pissed off at Hillary. Your kid is eight grade and learning to wash dishes because she needs to learn to take care of them at her how house when she lives independently. I didn't learn to properly wash dishes until I was around fifteen. Don't jump on teachers for teaching your kid life skills. That should be your job bitch, but you're too busy mourning the loss of the man you shoved away. Also I think you are projecting a lot. You can't even value Lexi.

Overall the kids themselves were pretty damn cute. Parents were ok, and yet...I was more resonating with the kids than the parents. Then again...I am an autist myself.

Tikaani says:
“This movie was interesting and adaptive and I felt that I could be in the play too, I hope someone ends up valuing me too.

I give it three and half flappy-hands. Decent watch if you can ignore the self-pity that some of the parents have.

Ari Ne'eman and the "Bitchplz" moment

2010-11-30T05:38:00.000-08:00

Once again life has sucked me up and spit me up. I have been dealing with a lot issues including gender identity and dating a new man and I have honestly neglected this blog. So I am gonna try to at least draw something or post Drakkhani stuff just to keep it active.

Now this weekend was completely mind boggling. Thanksgiving itself was rather simple and the Friday after wards was more volunteer work and having a really heavy conversation with Dave. Saturday was when Ari arrived in C-bus I hanged out with him and Melanie, Nick was there. Despite the fact dad decided to go on an abusive drunken rant later that night. The weekend was highly enjoyable (oh and there was the melt down at the pizza party forgot about that)

Did I mention that I have been going through some stressful and mindblowing changes?

No?

Anyway...Monday was Ari's talk on Neuro-D. I played helper monkey and help with setting up and closing down and generally assisting Cindy Selfe and Mel (cus dats how I roll). I was looking forward to the lecture and the discourse that followed. That's until a coward showed up in the midst of all of this. There was a paper called "Neurodiversity: Treatable with early detection" I was fuming but Ari decided this was excellent debate material and had it up with him. The paper was actively protesting ASAN's socio-ethics. While I was irritated, I was more frustrated that he came and left.

Coward.

Fortunately one of the English rhetoric students decided to cut it down using logic and rhetoric. Nicely done Pat.

The lecture went smoothly and there was some wonderful questions (I asked how is ASAN and the NeuroD community going to include those that are non-verbal and classically Autistic in the debate and participate with their community) however there was definitely a "bitchplz" moment. The president of autspks decided to hog the Q/A section. She was accusatory and loud and had no regard for everyone else in the room. Then she totally pulled a "LOOKIT IMMA HERO" with asking us that if we have spent time with a severely autistic boy.

Oh no she didn't

So this is to the attention whoring martyr in the back.

Dear AutSpks minion,

How dare you. How dare you disrespect the adults in Denny Hall by your inappropriate and obnoxious behavior. And how dare you strip the dignity of the classically autistic boy you spoke of by using him like a poker chip. I was frankly disgusted. Guess wheat Barbie, I have been with autistic and developmentally delayed adults in diapers. Unlike you I don't shame him or her for having a tool to use. I have also been with autistic teens that are suicidal and had to talk one down from killing himself. Another from running away as well. Both were victim of harassment. So yeah I can play the selfless hero bid too.

However, Where were you when they need your help? Where were you when I needed your help? When I was sitting in the bus being verbally and sexually harassed. Where were you and your champions for autists? When we desperately needed tools to survive every day when we cry out to be heard and have our voices counted? Or are you just in it for the cookies and punch?

You're not a fucking hero. Stop lauding yourself as one. You don't want to help autists you just want to make your resume look good.

Fuck you
Bard.

Cure for Sale

2010-11-17T05:51:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't been posting a whole lot there has been a whole lot of change as of late and I just haven't had the energy to post something. However now that I have an hour before work I decided to do some catch up.

The funny thing about parents especially those that have the "cure now" mindset, is that money is no object. The will buy anything as long as it's claimed to cure this or this. Humans are rather gullible huh? However I had a did have bit of serendipitous moment the other day or week rather, proving that people are not so easily swayed.

Craiglist is like the Russian roulette of ads, you don't know where the bullet is. However I saw an ad about a family looking for someone to play with their autistic daughter, lets call her Tanya. I read the ad and it looked plausible enough so I called the father and we arranged a few thing. I had a friend drive me to friggin Newark for my first therapy session with Tanya. The apparently use another form of therapy called "Son-Rise". This kind of therapy isn't instructive but has a Montessori feel to it. Child led and all. It mentions that you are suppose to praise the child for eye contact as well as join in with the child as he or she stims. The pamphlet notes that the therapy suggests you join the child in their world. Which seems to be more of a "pos-autive" concept. I was on board with that and I was also eager to do this program with Tanya.

The first session was pretty tense. Tanya didn't know I was coming (oooh lose a point parents)so she was tense, I could feel it. She was also really high energy but so am I so I kept up with her. Over all the first session was about getting to know who I am and what my boundaries are. She figured out fast that I am not the kind of person that break easily (kid tough for your enjoyment), in the end we played connect four and we seem to made our own kind of connection the only downside was the fact she was upset when I touched her barbies and dolls (my bad) she was still upset at me for it. I have feeling that she is gonna be holding this grudge for a while...bummer.

Overall, I found this session to be different from most experiences with pro-cure parents (how do I know they are pro-cure? They want their child completely off the autistic spectrum though this therapy....uh yeah...good luck with that) Hopefully if I don't say anything about human rights, socio-ethics, neurodiversity that this could totally be a long term volunteer gig.

Into Curbie hell I go

Shutdowns

2010-10-20T07:09:00.000-07:00

This pass week has been very intensive. Thursday being the most with me teaching Melanie's class on how to write autistic characters and as well as helping adults during the OAADD conference. Over all my activism has been at 11 all week. Today though I'll be seeing my favorite author. So no activism today :3

However this topic isn't about those two things but about Nov 1 communication shutdown. I am honestly rather skeptical about this. Mostly because if feels like a half bake idea. Sure for one day people are going to be frazzled without Twitter or Facebook. But that's not going to illicit the empathy needed to understand the communication blocks we autists experience. Mostly because it's easy to get around also it's only got one day.

For use communication blocks are forever and not something you can easily get around. Many of use can't talk, and have trouble using computers and for us communication is an effort, but we've always seem to find creative ways of doing it and doing it well.

Honestly this idea sounds so half-baked I wonder of the NT that thought of it can really attempt to understand the frustration of speaking a language that know one could understand.

HOLD ON TO YOUR DREAMS~~~

2010-10-11T05:41:00.000-07:00

I have been self medicating with this song <3

The Deluge

2010-10-10T12:23:00.000-07:00

At the AutSpks protest I thought I would be strong enough to stand against the feelings of fear and hurt. Instead during wave of insults being flooded I crumbled during the deluge. There were many many moments I had to find shade and cover myself with coats to destress and cool down.

By the end of the protest I was so emotionally drained I just wanted to go home. I hard to stand strong and courageous when others think you are not good enough to.

They have no idea that I was struggling to remain verbal and clear that I was losing cognative response that I was falling apart in the most terrible way possible. They call me named and shouted at me and I could just stand their holding up signs and standing tall

While deep down I was really drowning.

This protest made me for the first time wonder why I am doing this, if what I am doing is even right. And if I am going to be swept away by the deluge of hate, ignorance and justification of genocide. Sometimes I really hate being autistic, sometimes I wish I wasn't

yet despite the feelings of fear and wishful thinking.

I never want to see my students go through what I went through and to stand against the flood.

Exit Though You (Fiction)

2010-10-07T05:45:00.000-07:00

This is an old fic I did of my character Wilson. He's an original character and like Tikaani he is also autistic but with the gift of psychic powers. I will be talking more about him and Tikaani when I do my lesson on making Autistic characters.

Exit Through You.

Accident in the shower I forgot to wash my heart...now the dust has turned to mud since we've been apart.....

A feeling of emptiness settled in Wilson's gut. He wondered if this is what it's like after a break up. A gray sort of blankness that hovers around you. A kind of fog that you can't shake off but gradually it evaporates.
She wasn't really that great of a girl Wil, she had a Down Syndrome brother...she felt sorry for you. Said ever familiar voice. Not his own, but someone else. Wilson didn't know if 'Refuge' the angel that been at his side since he could remember, was really a metaphysical being, or a schizophrenic hallucination. Maybe Refuge was a little of both.
“She gave me a chance though Ref, how many girls will ever give me a chance?”
You can't just hook up with a girl because they have some vestigial echo of empathy. You could do so much better. Refuge argued, his deep and timeless voice resonated around Wilson as he leaned back in his computer chair and took off his glasses. He has been working on his thesis all afternoon. Home sick with a flu-bug, Wilson took the opportunity to finish homework. He sighed and put his square framed glasses on the oak wood desk and got up to get some soy milk. It was four o'clock in the afternoon. Wilson checked his schedule, it was time for yoga and then an hour of playing on his Wii. Wilson drank the chocolate soy milk as he walked over to get his yoga mat. Just like Refuge, he has been on well managed schedule as long as he could remember.

Mrs, Grandam it's apparent your son has autism. It's a neurological condition-
I know what it is...my younger brother was institutionalized because of it, so can you get me some phone numbers so I know what to do next?
You seem prepared for this Mrs Grandam...did you know your son is autistic?
Of course, you just confirmed the obvious, so what do I do now?

Wilson's mother never was afraid of anything. Her brother Mikkael was sent to an institution when she was thirteen, she loved her brother even after his death. She promised that Wilson will never know those walls and he will find away to overcome any odds and now Wilson was in college in Philadelphia. Yet it seems that it was obvious to his mother that he would be verbal and independent. Years of occupational therapy, ABA and speech therapy and Wilson was high functioning enough to hide his disability. Of course every day he had to tell himself to look people in the eye, don't ramble about genetics or mushrooms, don't flap your hands. He felt like a puppet on strings most of the time. Imitating people.

“Calliope said I had no empathy Refuge, that's why she broke up with me. She couldn't connect to me.” Wilson noted with a sad wryness. He arched back into a bridge position his slate blue eyes looking at the ceiling fan. He kept wondering if he was really just a puppet. When is the Blue Fairy going to turn him into a real boy?
You have empathy. You remember when your gay friend Ryan committed suicide, weren't you there holding his boyfriend his arms? Refuge recanted to Wilson as he continued to through his asanas Wilson brushed his dusty brown curls out of his face and finally collapsed into the the 'child-pose'.
“Only because KJ asked me too, and I liked KJ and yeah I was really upset, but...I don't grieve that long maybe because I still hear Ryan's voice or an echo of his voice.” Wilson's clairaudiance was rare gift, most psychic powers or gifts of divination come visually, for Wilson he could hear the dead the past and the future. It was that gift that allowed him to know that Ryan shot himself. Being called a fag for so long can do that to you. Wilson understood, how many times did the word retard do that to him?
“She also thought I needed to be medicated.” Wilson added, Refuge's retorted back.
She thinks everyone needs to be medicated. Weren't you on anti-psychotics for a while? Wilson grimaced. Those were some very quiet months, his mother took him off of it because he stopped talking, stopped doing...anything. Just made him still. Wilson checked his watch, now it was time for some Wii, he stopped for a moment and check his watch again. He washed his face and grabbed his hoodie and his wallet.
Breaking routine today? Asked Refuge as Wilson headed out locking his apartment door. He walked down the steps into the smoggy Philly air.
“Maybe...maybe I am just trying to be less like an android.”

I am sorry Wil, you're so sweet and thoughtful but, I don't think could work out. There is something about you that I can't connect with some days you feel like a robot..

Tikaani portrait

2010-10-06T05:54:00.001-07:00

ATTN!

2010-10-04T06:06:00.000-07:00

Blogging award

2010-10-03T05:47:00.000-07:00

So Kim gave this last week and I feels more like I got tagged in a meme. Now I have to pick seven people to give this too when honestly I don't think I have seven people on my blog list that I can give this too and to be honest I really don't want to... I also have to give seven facts about myself.

1) I'm also a lefty
2) I have big love for pit bulls
3) I love to storm chase
4) My special interests are Avatar:TLA and Gargoyles
5) My favorite artists are Wendy Pini and Collen Doran
6) I love wearing my five toed shoes
7) And my birthday is on Monday!

:3

Quick Tikaani doodle

2010-10-02T04:57:00.000-07:00

This was done back in say around February I still love it

I did this at the free clinic

Prism*Vox and SABE summit

2010-09-25T05:59:00.000-07:00

Listen here

Laughing Skies

2010-09-21T18:48:00.000-07:00

It's been a strange month for Bard as of late. Change abound with working with new students and adjusting to new settings. I am feel that I feeling my oats and growing into a bigger shoes.

Mel from Aspie Rhetoric told me about a few weeks ago (late Aug) about a housing summit in MO hosted by various Self-advocacy groups on community support. From that seed I was invited by Ari to represent the Columbus ASAN chapter and help build initiatives for community living. This is a bit undertaking and I was more than thrilled to do this.

Here I am in the Central US in good ol' land of BBQ, Jazz, streetcars named Desire and corn. Hopefully becoming more than a snarky slightly bitter bard into a truly courageous and hard working adult. I am watching the skies laugh with lighting and I am glad that I had the opportunity to come.

Ari, Savannah, Paula, Scott, Elsia and Scott Robertson and myself had supper tonight preparing for the summit meeting with NLYN and SABE that is joining us. We discussed what it means to be in the community and what it means to not be in the community, accessibility, supports, choices, control and resources. It was really productive and (scored free milk) and this will set the tone for the upcoming meeting.

My goals are simply to set the gears in motion. Accessibility and resources are going to be my main stand points, I will also talk about being in the quagmire of bureaucracy and initiatives on how give the tools necessary for those with cognitive issues and non verbals, so they can find more equal footing with typical and passing peers.

I will be forthright and even downright assertive on this. I am hoping to prove myself to the rest of ASAN that I have goals and ideals but not just that. But the pit bull tenacity for change. After all, Tikaani's stubbornness is not a weakness but a positive trait ;)

Yesterday's news (poem)

2010-09-04T18:09:00.000-07:00

I see animals living captivity
They call it a zoo
but when see man in captivity
and I call it an Institution
where the concept of humanity
is all but a figment of a former reality
like puppies that got to big
and tossed aside like yesterday's news
human beings locked away in
discontentment and division
where their value is place at negative 10
and where their souls tear and rend
but is there an end?
There is no end

Ladies and gentlemen
I'll give you straight facts
no lies or bias here
stories need to be told
and spoken here
injustice is a foot my friends
and we must not be blind in ignorance
I have heard the tales of children being shocked
with burns on their legs and arms
tied down in leather straps
lock in a night dark room
halls scented of piss and vomit
little girls being raped while the nurse is away
parents lied saying it's ok
when the state is involved everything goes to hell
rights are stripped away from the most needy
and left to die I their own feces

humans with cognitive delays are not the enemy
not some obscene sort of tragedy
pretend you can't talk, and world is strange thing
would you want to say something? To have a choice to be protected?
Is easier to pretend that the retard locked in sterile halls is not human
would be better for you to turn you head away
default your responsibility
I wish I could tie you down watch every fucking second
of a Down Syndrome boy screaming as he left alone
in a dark and empty room
I want you to suffer like they suffer
I want to you to bleed like they bleed
I want you see what I see
I am not just hero without a cause
I have seen the mouth of ethical hell
state funded institutions are not homes
just another word for a prison
but at least prisoners have rights
what right does 'bifida girl have
besides being left alone in her wheelchair
the autistic boy is always tied down he screams for his mom
but mommy ain't here
I will champion for them my friend
after all it could be your kid
locked up in that zoo

thrown away like yesterday's news

Yesterday's News

Tikaani post because there has been a lack of storytelling here

2010-08-26T10:04:00.000-07:00

And no. I am still not feeling productive

Again told in Hanai's point of view and modernized for brevity's sake.
Summer has always been a very loosely structured time for Tikaani, Maka is at work as is Amana and Tikaani is often under stimulated. As a parent to my growing autistic nephew (who shot up another inch this summer and is getting close to 6'2" by the way) I feel it's my duty to make sure he is simulated and enriched. Code words out of my hair and out of my face. I can only deal with "AUNTIE!" only for so long before I shout something vulgar and throw him outside.

Mondays have been pool days when the weather is over 85F, if it's rainy or too cool it's Movie Day or going to the rec center. Tuesdays have been going to the library, Wednesdays have been hiking days were we drive out and go for long afternoon hikes at the nature park, Thursdays is going to see a Movie at the dollar theater, Fridays are Soccer days playing at local team at the rec center and weekends are "Boy days" which my husband and brother drag my nephew's brown ass into the Mini Van for whatever half-baked attempt for male bonding. Normally it's fishing or canoing which Tikaani adores but Maka had brilliant idea of taking Tikaani to the shooting range with he and Amana. Yeah brilliant idea, lets take the kid with sensory processing issues to a place with a lot noise and weird smells(not to mention GUNS!). Tikaani came home exhausted and grumpy and threw a huge fit around shower time. When I heard why he was so surly, you best believe I cussed our my spouse in five different languages and had him on the futon that night.

Now the routine is becoming too familiar to him. Movie days are not enough and Soccer is over. So my nephew has been outside on the trampoline or in the garden or riding his bike. That is until he gets bored again, then it's "AUNTIE CAN I HAVE ______" for three straight hours. School can't come quick enough.

However I have not been looking forward to the IEP meetings and getting back on the routines for Junior year. His last aid Mr. Howe, was retiring. He was one of the best aid I had with Tikaani, he knew his strengths and challenges and worked withhimnot with everyone else. Tikaani liked Mr."Jack" as well and often referred to him on his keypad as "Very nice good guy with Game Boy. Now we had a fresh out of undergrad school bubblegum chewing white chick to be his new aid. I met her Yesterday at our first IEP meeting, setting goals for him for this year. Tikaani was with me for this one and had his laptop and used that to communicate. The primary teachers for his grade this year asked him questions on what he wanted to do for this year, he told them he wanted to make more friends and get "Surprisingly Good marks" We've set up goals for graduation including him going to a Career center as well as him learning to manage his own schedule as well as his own money and time. Then the aid showed up, she was running late which didn't impressed me but when I saw her I knew things were going to be tough year. She was upbeat over bearing and over energetic. She was a typical well..NT. Tikaani who had calm body language and was doing well, immediately recoiled when "Micah Thomson" started gushing on how excited she was about working with him and how much fun they were going to have this year. She talked fast and wore too much body splash. Needless to say Tikaani was bit off put by her.

I told her about this years goals including
-Job Training
-Social skills building
-Refining communication
-Life Skills training at school (like managing lunch money)
-Extra circular actives
-Minimizing time in Special Ed

Tikaani was still spending mornings and late afternoons in Special Ed we're hoping to have that just one period a day by mid year. She was enthusiastic to work with him and talked mostly to me and never to him which was red flag to me. But I didn't give up on her yet, time will tell.

End of the meeting we headed to do some groceries and Tikaani said that he was "Unsure" about Micah. I told him to give her time that she'll eventually mellow out. Tikaani looked dubious about that, I couldn't blame him, but I still had faith that things will work out.

First day of school is next week, this will a good test to see if Micah is really a good fit for Tikaani.

Art Spam

2010-08-26T09:52:00.001-07:00

Because I am not feeling productive today

Drakkhani FAQ

2010-08-12T06:34:00.000-07:00

Posting this here for easy access, Sorry about the RP spam guys

Copy pasta from my DA in 08.

So it as I am drawing these guys, I figured you people would like an FAQ about them. Just to give you the general idea about these critters how I see them draw them. It acts as a guide incase you want to request one or make one up =D

1) Q: What is a drakkhani?

A: A drakkhani is race of draconic humanoids that I created for my fantasy world Roannora (though they pop up everywhere). They stand upright, walk bipedal but can walk quad. Fly and breathe fire. They look more dragon but they have human faces.

2) Q: What the dimorphism between a male drakkhani from a female one?

A: Almost none. Males and females have slight differences.
Males:
-Have no mammary slits.
-Lightly larger and muscular

Females:
-Have mammary slits
-Hips are large for egg laying
-a little more curvy

Both look similar in hair and face, both have genital slits. Like sharks or dolphins. But they are mostly androgynous.

3) Q: What do drakkhani generally look like?

A: A little like this --> http://i60.photobucket.com/albums/h39/NightStorm_02/Drakkaniexample.jpg This is Ionah

drakkhani large feet designed for climbing wide hands (Ionah's is hidden) as well. The have horns their head and throat fire pouch. Legs are bowed. The lurch when they walk, a little like raptors.

4) Q: How do drakkhani fly?

A: A combination of large wings, hollow wing bones, and hydrogen producing flight bladders.

5) Q: How do they breathe fire?

A: A combination of a false pallaet and hydrogen gas ignited by the back teeth covered in platinum. The pouch expands as the drakkhani breaths in and contract when he exhales. False pallet lays in back the throat that protects his insides from getting roasted.

6) Q: Are drakkhani territorial?

A: Most are. They generally have scent trails left in the air during flight for there clan to follow. Others have rune marks on stone pillars stating to elves or humans that they are entering "_____'s Grounds. Most would take heed and leaving, depending on clan.

7) Q: Are drakkhani friendly to humans?

A: Generally yes. Most are hospital to humans if they are polite and respectful, though if you are not. Well...I am sure your head would might a nice warning pole =D

Take not that most clans are xenophobic, but a few are very welcoming.

8) Q: What do they like to for fun?

A: drakkhani have several hobbies. Hunting, magic craft story telling. Most love to bask. They lay in the warm sun and soak up the solar rays =D

9) Q: What clans to drakkhani have?

A: They have 12 known Major Clans and several subfamilies. Clan is word I use for their social structure. Clan is a actually Gaelic word meaning "child". I use Clan for their social structure since they the "children" of the first founders. Most of the clan members are related.

They are as followed:

Lunaughti
Greenflame
Bluefang
Rautaun
Stormwake
Galesong
Yu'Taka
Downgust
Wintervale
Sunwing
Glasswing
Kalijani

10) Q: Can I ask for you to draw me one?
A: Sure just note me or AIM me for one or even ask here =D

11)Q: Do drakkhani mate for life?
A) No. drakkhani are pretty poly by nature, they might have one particular male and female they breed with but they could have several lovers, ~~Orgies for everyone~~

12: Q) Do drakkhani have marital customs?
A) Yes and no, in the Nirvana City universe drakkhani emulate a lot of human customs, including marriage rituals. There is one traditional custom though, in drakk culture a pair-bond would often fly together in a dance then grab each other's hands and free fall as they are falling to their deaths they let go and ascend back up together. Then the Shaman of the clan pronounces them as a pair. Because of their polyamory they often have no need to "Fall-bond" and most will just hook up have sex and lay eggs and move one. This is common in small sub-clans when they need to expand the gene pool.

13: Q: How do drakkhani feel about human monogamy?
A: They think it's a joke, they might say, "what monogamy?" in response.

14: Q: Are their funeral customs?
A: Birth and Deaths are a big deal in Drakk society. When a drakkhani dies several things happen.
-if they died naturally (age or sickness), a shaman would bless the body and ask the Goddess to consecrate their soul. Then they would have sky burial. Spine is broken and the body is bound up in white linen with bright ribbons of many colors, flowers and spices are put on the sky bundle. drakkhani would remove the horns, talons and wings, and burn them in a massive fire. They are the three most important part to a drakkhani. The mate and family member will then take the body to a mountain top to rest and become part of the forest. The rest of the clan will keen, many humans who hear a drakkhani funeral song, often get the willies, it's something like whale song and Tuvan throat singing. All members sing together.

-However if they died in battle, either their pair-mate or closest companion or brother/sister will partake of ritualized cannibalism. The will eat the heart of their fallen companion, taking their soul inside them. The rest of the body is would be buried in drakkhani fashion.

15: Q: Would the death of a drakkhani child be the same as an adult.
A: Yes, but their would probably be more grief, parents might weep in their keening song or before preforming the sky burial would maybe cradle the baby and sing it a lullaby to quiet the soul of a child that never reached adulthood (this is seen as really morbid by humans). It's also to prevent Utdene, which is the ghost of a child either taken from their mother or killed before adulthood. Utdene are often curses prevent females from having children until the spirit is put to rest.

Quirky note, in modern drakkhani culture, most older drakkhani are 'pro-life' not for the same reasons as humans though. This is based on the old superstition of the Utdene. Many older females from the home world believe that terminating an unborn baby drakkhani upset the soul of the child causing a Utdene or 'ghost curse', this is all massive superstition and may younger drakkhani don't believe in this.

16: Q: Do drakkhani have ritualized rape?
A: No only one clan does this. Bluefangs might have something like appears to be rape but it's more or less a dominate male pressing his penis against a younger male to symbolize mounting him. It's suppose to suppress the hormones to mate. Humans assume all clans do this, not a small minority and it's often sensationalized by the media.

17: Q: Do drakkhani have sex in the air?
A: yes many do, it's considered a traditional away to consummate a marriage.

18: Q: Do drakkhani masturbate?
A: Who doesn't? drakkhani don't have a large stigma on sex and self-pleasure.

19: Q: What kind of religion does drakkhani have?
A: polytheistic, they have goddess figure...Starfang and other minor gods, they also practice ancestral worship.

20: Q: Is it frowned upon for a Drakk to mate with a human
A: Yes. Drakk/human children are possible though magic, but if they are ever conceived and born they are freaks with a lot of disorders. So it's frown upon to have sex with them with the intent to breed.

21: Q: Do females have periods?
A: Twice a year. Also males have testosterone surges and are more violent than usual.

22: Q: What age to hatchings breath fire?
A: 8-18 Depending on who...Lucian was late in the fire breathing department.

23: Q: Is there sexism?
A: That's more of a human concept really.

24: Q: Do drakkhani have human vices?
A: Yes, drakkhani rarely smoke because of flight, but some drink booze, sex up everything, gamble, steal....

25: Q: Do drakkhani have any genetic disorders or disabilities.
A: Yes, "Loose-Web Syndrome" is when the webbing in the wings are weak and tear easily. Females might have "Placental Birth Disorder" in which they give birth live instead of laying eggs. They might be deaf or blind. Autistic drakkhani are kinda unheard of, since their autism wouldn't be like a human's. I like to think that all drakkhani are perpetually Aspie. XD

26: Q: What are the birthing customs?
A: drakkhani believe in "double births" the lay of the egg is the first birth and the second is the hatchling emerging from the sack, this is met with singing and blessing of the newborn. The shaman would read a poem blessing the child for it's new life within the clan. Siblings would squeak and chirp and touch the newborn. Clan members would take turn holding him/her.

27: Q: Homosexuality is considered stigmatic in drakkhani culture.
A: No. Most drakkhani are pansexual, sex is sex, it can be for breeding or having fun. What is look down upon is egg-stealing.

28: Q: Can drakkhani be racist/Specicist?
A: Yes. Anthrophobia is common for old drakks. Hatred towards elves is also considered to be a drakkhani thing

29: Q: Are drakkhani big in adoption?
A: Yes, drakkhani are communal, while hatchlings in the clan bond with their parents; everyone raises the hatchlings as well, so hatchlings regard clan members as “aunties and uncles” and see them as extended parents. Some same-sex pairs adopt eggs that have been orphaned or abandoned. Will they raise a human child? Yes. If it was abandoned or orphaned around their aerie.

30: Q: Are drakkhani literate?
A: Yes and No. Most can read Drakk in easily learning English or any human language takes longer

31: Q: How do drakkhani show affection or love or arousal?
A: nursing hatchlings wag their tails while feeding, babies will purr while being held. These infantile behaviors are still exhibited by adults while they are with their pair or lover. drakkhani won't kiss unless they are influence by humans, to show the same sort of intimacy, pairs will:
-Nuzzle noses,
-Rub their horns together
-Rub their tails together
-Cover each other in their wings
-Nuzzle necks
-Kneed or massage backs, (where the wings connect)

Arousal can be pretty damn obvious sometimes, Males will have their phallus exposed, but in the same time that can also be a sign of dominance or aggression not always "ooh I'm horny" They might lick the air, growl low or wiggle their ears. Funny enough humans often think that when males expose, it's because their aroused, and many often get hurt by interfering with male displaying dominance.

Little boys often have their phallus exposed too as hatchlings, they might hump the air as well, much to their parents annoyance (and this is often discouraged). They stop this at age 3, but it start alllll over again at age 13, males want to rub up against everything on the account of the surge of testosterone and several other hormones that humans lack, and females start going through their bi annual heats. It's a lovely time to grow up 8D

Theory of Mind...not just for autists

2010-08-10T06:30:00.000-07:00

Once again, people bring up faulty information

And once again I have to tell someone to STFU.

No one has theory of mind, no one. It's a socio-political tool to demonetize the neuroatypical, it's poor researched and executed. People need to stop mentioning shit that they know nothing about!

Appropriatness and Happiness:

2010-08-01T06:00:00.000-07:00

If Tikaani isn't lining up his action figures or playing with his legos, he's watching TV. Not that I mind. I can do my laundry and wash dishes without him shouting "AUNTIE!" But as of late he has been watching "Ni Hao Kai Lan". I keep asking him if he wants to watch Bey Blade or if he wants to get out his Pokemon DVDs or if he wants me to change the channel to Nat Geo. Instead, I get a whine followed by hair pulling, Tikaani-ese for "No no no no, don't do that." So I let him watch it without interruption. As much as it personally embarrassing for me to have my 16 year old to watch something meant for four year olds. I have to simply let it go. If it isn't harmful to others or himself or destructive, I can't really stop him.

Besides, the trade off is that he is learning Mandarin Chinese...that's not really a bad benefit.

((modern setting for essay purposes))

Kim wrote this weeks ago, and I decided to write a response about it. Something that really needs to be touched on as an autist.

I don't see why it is painful for a parent to see their child happy. If your seven year old is still watching Telly Tubbies and bouncing around I don't see how that is heartbreaking or tragic. I don't get why we have to have play with age appropriate games and watch age appropriate TV programs in order to be happy. I don't see why a girl can't play Tonka trucks or a boy with her sister's Barbies. Why is appropriateness and happiness have to interlock?

I guess it bothers me a bit because of the pressure to be just like our typically developing peers. That we putting pressure on kids to interact and share like interests with our peers and not just be happy with what fascinates us. I saw nothing wrong as a fifteen year old to religiously watch "Sagwa: The Chinese Siamese Cat" on PBS. I was happy and my sister and I watched it together (without fighting OhEmGee!) and it was generally a happy time after so much stress from school and Katie and I loved to watch it. Just as we both loved watching Sailor Moon (MOON PRISM POWAAAAAH!) and later Outlaw Star. Should I have been watching shows appropriate to my age and mental level? Yeah, but yet. Those shows were geared towards social protocols and cues that I was rather obvious of. I wasn't interested in who was dating who or what secret Character A was carrying. I didn't get into that until I was at least twenty. I was more interested with the story being told than all the social details. So watched cartoons like "Sagwa" and "Big Guy and Rusty" and "Astro Boy". I was into the story.

The point however is that later I did watch shows like "CSI", "Bones" and "House" which are more for my age level than cartoons. Sure it took me a while, but never the less it came. So I still obsess over cartoons than I do over TV dramas. Yet in end does it actually matter? Why is heartbreaking to see me laughing my head off or grinning like a fool? Why do you have to feel embarrassed when I am rubbing my face on plush animal or lining something up?

Why the very real joy, is the same as the very real pain? Can you answer that?

All Myths Are Truth

2010-07-18T14:24:00.000-07:00

Or the existence of autistic adults and why deniers are plugging their ears.

Being an Autistic adult feels like being a fantastic creature. We don't exist to some people and once we show up they all rationalize and swallow themselves up in denial. I wonder if they would believe me if show them my spiral horn and feathery wings? Don't answer that, that was rhetorical.

Anne Dachel once again shows up in LBRB with the same short of bullshit that you hear every other white privileged denialist spew out from their botoxed lips. "WHERE ARE THE AUTISTIC ADULTS?!" As many said previously and I aim to do some repetition.

They are not hard to find. Just look in the institutions where many a severe autist is shoved into lysol scented halls like a bad sweater that your Aunt Jo gave you last Christmas. Just look in the prisons for the autists, or the schools. Trust me Dachel they are not invisible.

But low and behold to you they are invisible unicorns or faeries or some other "changeling" metaphor. Thusly many of us are drowning in a massive flood of financial chaos with no end in sight. While your autistic spawn is still sucking your breast, carefully wrapped in layers of Early Intervention, IEP and Feeding Programs to ensure your brood doesn't join the seething mass of the lot that wasn't fortunate. Well sucks to be you, because despite your hard sorted efforts to normalize your kid. Once he turns eighteen the gonna be fucked like the rest of us. Especially while he struggles to keep all his autistic behaviors under the bed and out of sight like cheap vibrator gotten from the Porno Store on the I-70. He's going to loose girlfriends(Or Boyfriends), he's going to get fucked over in jobs. He going to struggle. Hard. And while you rationalize that he's only "Mildly" autistic and push him to try harder while he keeps asking for some sort of help or support. He's going to try find a way to get help or a way out. Hopefully the latter isn't a 9mm.

Lets just face it. Your brat is gonna be one of us. One the many that is giving you the finger and telling your shut your airholes. He will either join us, go against us or lie in apathy and malcontent. One of the three. You're kid is probably 2...3...or even 4. But it's time to start thinking about what kind of safety net you will give him. It's time to get him that net, just in case.

You have no idea if he will be self-significant enough, and it's always to good to be practical.

Body Language

2010-07-16T12:02:00.000-07:00

I am hungry.

The notion that I am hungry is interesting feeling. Reading what my body needs or wants is sometimes like trying to listen to someone speaking quietly.

I'm hungry..

What?

I'm hungry!

I can't hear you!!

Thusly most of the time I end up ignoring my body's cues for food and often sleep. This isn't because I am some sort of lazy idiot. But rather because it took me years to understand what my body is saying. So I trained myself to eat at certain points of the day. I skip breakfast a lot because ideaism of "appropriate food choices" and left over pizza isn't a breakfast food. So I eat two meals a day. Once in the afternoon around 1pm (or rather 2:3opm) and again around 8pm. I lack a stable appetite. I often had days when I don't eat because I am not hungry. Interestingly enough, I try find appropriate food choices but end up eating whatever is around and much of it is unhealthy.

But, understanding that I am hungry or the need to unirinate...seems to be a learning skill for me. I can read my bladder my fine, but my stomach talks too soft and sometimes I am just too tired to go up and get food. It's a weird feeling of learning to know when you are hungry.

It really is.

Storytelling with Non-human characters(part 1)

2010-07-10T20:10:00.000-07:00

Or the Mythos of Other,

I know I know I update this month with a "money jar" post and not a real one. I know I know I suck. So I ma gonna make it up to you with a real post not a shitty one.

Now I've discussed previously on writing autistic and how to do it right, as well as the tropes involved in writing autistic characters. However I decided to write about another similar topic. How to write fantastic non-human characters. From mythology or imagination, and how they both play the role of Other.

Like writing autistic characters, there are rules involved with writing characters based from myth. Each creature has it's own set of rules on how that creature appears in the myth and how it acts. The trick is playing with those rules and not breaking them so the creature is unrecognizable from the myth (I am looking at you Myers). A good example of this is my character Pavlos. He is a RP character in a Disney's Gargoyles RPG (Text base), He's a Satyr and follows some basic rules. Satyrs in myth, are lushes, woman chasers and cowards. Pavlos follows this. I've added a few things however. The fact he has affinity to magic is one as well as he also has defense mechanism called a "panic scream" which causes uncontrollable fear. The latter bit was inspired by the god Pan. I thought it would be nifty to add that in there. As you can see he still has a lot "satyr-y" features (works at a wine store, drinks excessively has a different chick every night) but still I did play around with the concept and made him my own.

This is not easy. People don't always do the research and are lazy so they think it's ok for them to make a satyr that is chaste, virtuous and sober. They can do that, but don't call it a satyr. That's like making a blind person that can see with using earth-oh wait....Ok ok that was bit mean. Honestly it takes more skill and imagination to follow the rules of a creature and still make it your own, than to completely disregard the rules period.

Now for some that are geeky enough, I know you will say "But I have my own race" ok then, the idea that you should follow the rules, still applies. If my make your own race you would also have a set of rules to follow. Breaking your own rules, will make you a sloppy writer (I am still looking at you Myers). You can have exceptions, but too many will start to expose your careless writing. A good example of self-made rules are my drakkhani, which are humanoid dragon people. They have basic rules such as:

They breathe fire
Have flight
Live in tight-knit families called a dia or clan.
they speak English with gritty accent
They leg eggs.

Now you can make exceptions to those rules, but the trick is picking the right one and having a good explanation to why. For instance, I have genetic disorder that my drakkhani can experience called "Placental Birth Disorder". This causes the fetus to gestate completely inside the mother instead of the mother laying the egg. Birth is done by C-section and the fetus often has other complications. A good writer again knows which rules to mess with and which to keep consistent.

Writing disabled characters is like this. A friend of mind actually has an autistic non-human character, now that I think about it. The symptoms manifest differently but never the less the character is still autistic (this was made apparent in a game with one of my characters and hers had a meltdown). Writing disabled characters especially those with "rules" (symptoms), is lot like writing fantastic characters. They trick is keeping them consistent while still making them unique and captivating. It's hard work and a balancing act not everyone gets it right on the first try (Picoult I am looking at you now). Knowing which symptoms to bend and not bend is hard and trial and error experience. It takes practice and a time before you learn to get it right.

(Tikaani is still a work in progress)

Part 2 will be on biology and the like

Zazzle issues

2010-07-10T12:37:00.000-07:00

I was hoping to open up a Zazzle store and post some tee-shirt designs to get a little back money for extra things. However the image uploader for Zazzle and Cafe-Press isn't working for some reason. I don't know why "Image failed to up upload" message keeps popping up.

Here are few that I made last night

If anyone has a Zazzle store and wants to use these feel free to message me about it. We can work something out.

The Source of Shame

2010-06-29T13:40:00.000-07:00

If you haven't noticed I haven't been ranting much as of late. Not that there isn't much to rant to as so much as, I have just been rather overloaded and lazy. Anthrocon was this pass weekend. Once I year I trek up to Pittsburgh, wear a fluffy tail and run around with the other crazy fursuit wearing deviants.

While I can go on and talk about many things, including how I went on a epic drunken rant about autistic identity and how I ran around with a bra on my head on Sunday night. I can talk about how fursuit wearing is a reflection of cultural mask wearing and how that will make a good parallel to the ideaism of passing for typical. However I am not going to talk about that today I will however talk about something else.

The construct of what is to be normal is something of abnormal thing itself. I talked about how humans are paradoxical with their craving for conformity while thusly calling out for more diversity. I've also talked privilege in the neruological context. I've ranted and raved and gone off about a lot of things. Parents, normal people, autistic people, ASAN, AutSpks. Everyone gets a bit of “fang” so to speak. Yet as I step back and look through my essays and diatribe I can't help and wonder what is all doing? What is this all four. Just for me to vent? To show people a less flowery overly saccharine view of being autistic? If not, then what?

I think...I think pride is probably an interesting topic I should share. Iroh said an interesting quote on the show Avatar the Last Airbender. ”Pride is not the the absence of shame, but it's source” I look at pride as a very dualistic concept. It's either empowering or damning and it's often both. There is a reason why Pride is a deadly sin in the Christian mythos. It's very blinding and arrogance often kills you first before any sword or bullet would. Yet when we talk about autistic pride or gay pride, I have to wonder? When will it engender shame? What is the line between subtle arrogance and confidence?

Elitism is not a stranger to the autist rights community or the disability rights group, transphobia is frequent around the Queer community. I am not blind to the autphobia of the AutComm. It's pretty transparent. The schism of low/high is something of a dead-horse topic, but it's relevant to the concept of identity pride. When you are proud that you are autistic, do you wonder how it actually benefits you?

Bard out.

Theorm of Compassion and the justification of humanity

2010-06-15T08:43:00.000-07:00

The old trope that autistic people are so withdrawn that they cannot connect to the world, thusly they are inherently selfish and disconnected from people. They cannot empathize with people. Therefore, in human context.

We're not human.

Empathy is a socio-political tool. It's used to gain perspectives and viewpoints. Accusing someone for not having empathy is also a tool. It's used to continue the schism of Us/Them, and as well as putting oneself on a pedestal of pity and feed a victim complex.

"How can you be so obtuse? Can you understand where I am coming from? The suffering and the pain I am in?"

How many times have we heard this? How many times have we been accused by our peers and by our friends that we lack empathy and emotion during times of emotional distress and pain? As we sit quietly by our eyes trying to access the information that we have been given.

Juxtaposed is our NT friends looking ashamed at us we struggle in a sea of sensory information. Screaming in pain and or doing anything to combat the input that we cannot process. They advert their eyes or accuse us of embarrassing them. We however don't point fingers and shout that they lack empathy. Instead. We apologize for being autistic.

Changeling culture has giving us a schism of typical and atypical, in which all those that are neurologically atypical are always at fault. It is normal for typical to look upon the atypical with disdain and to lack the empathy necessary to understand the footsteps and journey we take as disabled people. So we grew apologetic for our nature as disabled. Being overly-apologetic is normal for an autistic person. What parent has heard their son or daughter on the spectrum constantly apologize for everything. We don't apologize for an action but for being who we are. Changeling culture has viewed us as mistakes, problems, unwanted. So we apologize for being mistakes in our families.

While we nurse a rather large victim complex, autists need to step back and stop saying sorry for being human. It's time to look at what is empathy and what is compassion, NTs and autists alike have seem to mix those definitions up. As I stated in another essay about ToM, every human lacks empathy. A hetronormative male will not understand the feeling of being gay to their homosexual peer. A very rich American can't understand what it's like to really go hungry or what it's like to be surrounded by rubble like their Haitian counterparts. Typicals like to pretend that they do, until someone calls them on their privilege. In all no human being can be 'mindreaders' if we can be, why do we still have sexism, classism and racism then?

However an autist and a typical both have compassion. Yet they show it in different ways. A little girl has lost their dog. A typical person would hug and use physical affection and soothing words to comfort the child. An autist would find a photo of the dog and make flyers to post all over the neighborhood. An autist is practical whilst a NT is more emotive. However it wasn't prayers and pleading wishes to deities that helped the people of Haiti or the ravaged New Orleansians it was hard work and real practical compassion.

An autist may lack the understanding of someone looking for their beloved dog, might even suggest that the odds of finding the dog is slim and it's better for them to look for another dog at a shelter. Would even accuse the poor man of being irresponsible and not properly put a collar on the dog or microchip it. Still...

It will not stop him from him from getting the flyers.

DDD:

2010-06-13T10:03:00.000-07:00

Oh sweet Jesus no.

Disconnect

2010-06-06T08:42:00.000-07:00

This is a bit of a response fic to the "Unheard Voice" poem and maybe a response to all the authors that try to write about an Autistic character but do not have autism

Empathy Test.

It was just an experiment. That Tikaani agreed to. Aang was simply curious on why Tikaani does the things he does, and one night alone together he found his opportunity. In deep quiet of Aang's room and with a bowl of water. Tikaani knelt with back facing Aang, his eyes looking to the ground. Aang paused for a moment before realize that was incredible intimate of Tikaani to allow him a glimpse inside his consciousness. Toph would be infuriated, stating that it was invasive. Katara on the other hand would be curious as well. Aang took a deep breath and prepared to open his third-eye chakra, he counted down as Tikaani took a deep breath and lifted the glowing stream of water to his temples.

Three..

His third was open as he found himself in massive white room, empty and bare. Aang stood in the middle of it, his gray eyes darting around then. Suddenly. He was hit with a flood of words. Aang was surround by massive deluge of words, they were moving so fast for him to understand the cycle around half unintelligible the other half barely had any meaning to him. Gostopnononoyesmoredon'tdothispleaseohmygodsjdfdlfjrudrunrunrundon'tstopeatthisdothisstopstop!

Aang was drowning with the flood constant language that he was trying to process but was having a hard time grasping it. A moment of epiphany happened as Aang was choking on the massive river. Is this what Tikaani feels when people talk to him? Is this what spoken language is like for him? Aang took another deep breath as the massive stream of words abated, only it was replaced with something far more disturbing.

Flashes of brilliant color surrounded Aang, faces he couldn't recognize, places, things and people danced around. Aang was struggling to figure out who they were and where he was, he trying to put the pieces together, only to feel that he got random pieces from a twenty different jig-saw puzzles and he was trying to make them into complete picture. Aang barely had a moment to breathe, when a thousand sounds bombarded him at once, talking, dogs barking, breaking glass, the trolleys, bells, cawing of birds, footsteps, the buzzing of bees, arguing, smashing of rocks, twisting of metal, chalk on slate, laughter. Aang got on his knees as a wave various odors joined in the caphony of sense. Burnt toast, rain, fresh apples, rotten meat, fish, ocean, molten glass, wet clothes, bad breath, ginger, mold, burning wood. Aang shut his eyes but everything kept coming at him at once, he didn't have a second to think to reason anything. Then he lost it when the flood of words came back. Howdoesthisworknoyoucan'thavethatpleasecanyougethisnononobadstopthisyoureafreakyouramonsteranimanimalretardfreaksitdownstopthatdon'tdothiscan'tyouundestandstopstopbouncingfreak!

Aang started to scream.

Katara rushed into the bed room as soon as she heard Aang's scream from down hall in the Fire Nation palace. She ran down to see what happen. She found Aang curled with his hands over his ears and Tikaani still quietly kneeling, his eyes were glazed over and unfocused. She started to piece together what in the gods name had happened. They she remember that Aang said he was going to try something with Tikaani's help. Katara suddenly remembered the last time she tried something with Tikaani using waterbending.

That damn idiot.

Aang took a deep breath as he calmed down, Katara was tapping her foot as Aang finally realize that he was back in the room again, silent and calm. However it was not going to be calm anymore. He looked up at Katara sheepishly as Tikaani came out of his trance looked around.

“What the hell were you doing Aang?!” She said in harsh whisper. Aang bit his lip feeling like a kid getting caught red handed. He sighed and watched as Tikaani crawled into bed like nothing ever happened.

“I was trying to understand him...get a feel for what the world is like for him.” Katara looked a little interested but it was covered over a layer of disgust.

“Well...did you finally have your understanding?” She said with tone that suggested annoyance but at the same time concern. Aang stared at Tikaani dumbly before feeling a wave of dejection hit him.

“No. Not at all, I...I can't possibly begin to understand anything that he feeling or comprehending. It's all so...foreign to me.”

Puppetry

2010-06-04T15:07:00.000-07:00

Link to this month's episode

I am so sorry for not posting as of late. I had virus issue with my computer and I have made a new episode of PrismVox for everyone to enjoy. I deleted the Maka entry because I have lost interest in writing :/

Anyway I haven't lost interest in blogging. I read Sarah's entry this afternoon about Autspks being, the same old ableist nonsense. However I did catch sight at the mention of a fifteen year old girl writing about her non-verbal brother in a very off-putting verse. I had to read it just so I get a good idea what she is talking about...lo and behold it's the same sort of crap I've always have seen

The Voice Unheard

I scream
I cry
I bang
You still don’t understand
The words won’t form for me to speak
But alas I have much to say
If only there was a way
A way for you to hear me
From behind the prison bars

The children on the streets stare
Like illuminating eyes in the night
I appear not to care
As they ponder over the sight
Of me walking on my toes
And screaming without no cause
To them I’m an alien
If only they could understand

There’s more than meets the eye with me
I’m not just some freak
If they could only see
I can’t help what I am or how I act
There’s much more under the surface
A truth waiting to be found
I’m not going to die
But that doesn’t make things alright

My mind, my body
Don’t work like they should
I’m trapped
A prisoner
No one’s knows how it happens
Why I can’t talk to you
It’s something in my brain
That went askew

There are others like me that can talk
But their case is different than mine
See we are all very different
Even with the same infected mind

In my case, I’m severe
I can’t talk
Only scream and yell
I bang walls and slam doors
And windows in cars
My senses aren’t like yours
My sense of feeling is off
I bang my head down on a table
Just to be sure it’s still there

Autism isn’t like cancer
There’s no cure
Or solution found
Only drugs and medication
To try and calm us down
But I am lucky to have a family
That loves me so much
They make sure I’m taken care of
And do everything they must

So next time you see me on the street
Or others of the same fate
Think of all we go through
Just to get through each day
Autism has a voice
If you take time to listen
You will hear

Where do I even begin? I know the lot of you will throw up the "She's only 15" excuse, I don't buy it. 15 is not an excuse to take step back and be aware of the language and the context she is using.

Lets start with the first fact is that she is puppeting. She sticking her words into her brother's mouth. She uses language that ends up objectifying her brother and end up making her look good. "But I am lucky to have a family
That loves me so much" This seems like a typical trope you find in most "poems" written by parents and siblings. They turn the head-banging and the screaming as some sort of symbol of suffering. It never occurs to them to actually talk to an autist on why does their brother scream and cry. It never occurs to them to you know...ask.

This kind of ego masturbation and martyrism is common among the AutSpks community. It seems all that parents do is go on how either their son/daughter is suffering and how they are suffering too...so you must feel sorry for us. It irritating but that does shit. How is pity grabbing going to stop your kid from doing SIBs? I mean c'mon. Take a step back for a moment.

Now I know some people think that I am puppeting my thoughts into "Hanai", you might even remark that Hanai is even my soap box. First off. Hanai is fictional, their for I am not really puppeting in the same context if she was a real person. Second though, Hanai is based off of real moms. Not just some idealized version of what a parent of an autist should be but what I have read and heard from other moms. They help color Hanai.

Siblings need to seriously take a step back and try not to assume what they feel about their siblings is mutual. You go on about we having a voice, but why are you not bothering to really hear it?

The pomp and ceramony of words.

2010-05-09T09:32:00.000-07:00

So for me, a day set aside to honor the "mother" is just pointless to me. Everyday is mother's day for me. Everyday I am honored. My children are healthy and strong. I even have grandchildren. I am happy. I am lucky to have such healthy children...yes even Tikaani.

All of my children are unique in some fashions. My eldest loved animals, I remember when he was a toddler he would carry around a turtle-seal made of drift wood with him where ever he went. Qaniit my only daughter was diligent and hard working. She loved to sow and weave with me, she became a seamstress. Rahmet was my only waterbender. He became a shaman and was the most spiritual of my children. And every day I heard from them "I love you mama, we love you mama." It warmed my heart to hear those words. I was lucky so lucky.

Yet. Tikaani never really said those words to me. Unless he was prompted. "Tikaani, tell Auntie that you love her." "I love you Auntie" He would say it in monotone looking at his toys. To some mothers, it was heart breaking. My child never told me that he loves me. Yet even though I was originally upset when Tikaani never spoke those words I didn't let it get to me. However...I did wonder if Tikaani understood what love even was, and if he really comprehend the idea of unconditional love. I want to hear those words, I wanted to be acknowledged.

It was at that point I realized that being rather egotistical. Tikaani didn't need to actually say those words to show me that he loved me. I discovered in many ways that Tikaani loved me. Not with words but with gestures and actions. And like a typical "Normal" I was too focus on the unnecessary pomp of words than the 'realness' of actions.

Tikaani would leave me his favorite toys when he was a little boy, around 5 or 6. He would leave them in by the pantry. He would put them on my bed. I thought he was just being neglectful, but he would smile when I found them and make his happy noise "eeeeee!" When he got older he gave the toys to me directly. Suddenly I realized what he was doing. He was sharing his toys with me. He never does this with any of his cousins...but he would with me.

He would not only share his toys, but his food. He would put his sushi or rice on my plate. I scolded him at first, but when I saw him put his last piece of sashimi on my plate (and let me tell you, this kid has to be part seal, he loves fresh sashimi like no body's business) and got up. I wonder if he was sharing his food or that he wasn't hungry anymore. I saw more of the former because he would share with his cousins and they praised him when he does.

When I taught Tikaani basic hand signs to get him to communicate, he would make the gesture 'yes' and 'Auntie' a lot. I spent the day wondering what "Yes Auntie" meant. What was he affirming? He would then used "Good Auntie" later. He would come up to me and sign "Good Auntie, yes". I was bit baffled. Then he combined the signs with a hug. Finally I got when he was trying to say.

"I love you Auntie"

I started realize that words meant nothing too him. He didn't need to actually say those words(I love you). They don't have much weight to him. Tikaani knew what love was, he just preferred to show it. Some days he would grab my face and make me look him in the eye. He will hold it for a moment before letting me go and then run off to play. I didn't understand it. I understood he was doing what I did when I needed to get him to look at me. He would do it too. I thought it was mimicry, but for him it was just to get my attention so he could sign "Good Auntie Yes". After these few instances when he would either hug me or grab my face to look me in the eye. I started to sign back. "Good Boy Yes". I thought about actually teaching him how to sign for "I love you"

"I love you Auntie..."

"I love you too baby."

So for the next year and half Maka and I began to add to his sign vocabulary. He knew "Yes, Please, Auntie, Maka, Amana, Stop, No, Done, Hungry, Thirsty, Play, More, Happy, Sick, Mad, Sad, Toilet and Go Home." Yet after a month of teaching him "I love you" he just prefer to sign "Good Auntie Yes". I responded with "I love you" Thinking that he would catch on finally and use that, but he didn't. Now Maka theorize that we're undoing what we've taught him. We taught him that "Good Auntie Yes" means "I love you" it was also easier for him to wave his index and middle fingers together(good) touch his chest (Auntie) and wave his palm (yes). Than it was to do the sign for I love you (thumb and pinkie out while tapping his chest). Still despite how he was use to doing it the other way, I was teaching him to use I love you. When he was 7 and still non verbal. He started to use the sign "I love you" after grabbing my face or hugging me. I was elated that he caught on. However he would only sign that after he hugged me. Whilst he used "Good Auntie Yes" in intervals through the day and not just after he got my attention.

I just taught him to use that sign after a hug or face-grab. Not how to say "I love you". I was getting egotistical again. I wanted him to tell me he loved me in my way. Not in his fashion.

When he started to actually use speech at age 9. I was again elated. Real progress, now he can communicate without just using hand language. I made sure to teach him a million words and help him say them. He wasn't fully verbal (and I don't think he would ever be) but he would say "Hungry, time to eat" when ever he wanted some food. Or "Water, water cup" if he was thirsty. He would string together weird sentences ("Fish apple apple jam, Fish apple jam") or just do what he use to do and repeat people. Maka: "Hanai, do you know where my ax is?" Tikaani: "Hanai do you know where my ax is." As he turned eleven, his speech got better and was still using words and signs to get his point cross. He stopped signing "Good Auntie Yes" when he hugged me. He just say "Auntie ok!" and hug me before taking off. I was still signing I love and saying it to him. He started to repeat mean and say "I love you" back when he hugged me. I was so happy. Finally we're getting somewhere.

Yet, he prefer using actions than words. Sure now at age 16 he can say I love you with some prompting and sometimes without, but like sign before. It had no weight to him. We're so dependent on spoken words that we miss the weight behind them. Tikaani just didn't want to hear "I love you baby" or "I love you Tikaani" He wanted to feel it. I stopped caring whether I heard the words or not. They way he would grab my face to look at me. Or the way he would give me the biggest smile and laugh when I wrestle with him. One day I told him I loved him, he gave me a response that wasn't silence or "eeee".

"I know." And then he would laugh and run off.

He always knew I loved him. I always knew that he loved me. I didn't need pomp or ritual of a sentence he didn't quiet understand. For Tikaani, Actions trump words 100%.

Happy mother's day to all the moms out in the Aut-Blogosphere.

A bit frustrated.

2010-05-03T16:12:00.000-07:00

I still want to continue to review With the Light, but the problem right now is I don't have the money to get the mangas off Amazon. So I need the help of media ninjas to help me find an Online Manga collection and or torrent of the Manga. Or someone could buy it for me and I could pay them back once I get money. IDK

I personally would prefer finding it off a manga collection online.

Art Spam and thoughts on Bullying

2010-05-03T06:20:00.000-07:00

Drakkani: Male, Age: 20, Clan(Dia): Stormwake.

Notes taken by Dr. Jakob Tate.

Drakkhani legs are perfectly designed to grip and hold onto rock ledges. They are also strong enough or mortally wound humans.

Dr Jakob Tate (Xenoanthropologist)

Satyr doodles

I read Amanda's post response to a fellow autistic blogger's post about disappearing off the hub because of cyberbullying. Now I'll straight up say that I believe bullying is nothing to laugh at and neither is trolling. Yet as someone who has skin thick enough to rival an elephant I can't help but lift my eyebrow in scrutiny.

Bullying is serious, but from what I have seen on the Internet. Bullying is also someone what subjective. There is a joke among some LJ communities stating. "Trolling to some people, is just someone disagreeing with you." Which is really true in many communities. If someone passionately disagrees with you (as we've seen with the cure/no cure binary) one is labeled as a troll and thusly his opinion is dismissed. This honestly makes me really really skeptical when people crying 'TROLL' because after being around /b/ (Internet Hell) for sometime (read forever). I tend to have very picky POV on what constitutes as trolling. Unless someone spammed your blog with dead baby pics and goatsee and lemon-party images. Then it's probably not as bad as you dramatized. I have had /b/ troll me. I completely friend locked my LJ and later my Gmail was spammed bombed. Did I write a huge post stating all this?

Fuck no. I don't see a reason in giving the dickheads any satisfaction that they got to me. I left DeviantART(I've been there fore six years btw) because of trolling. I didn't write a huge flouncy post bawwwing about the trolls, I just left. Problem is from what I see, some people like the attention. They like being the victim. Now I am not saying that SBWG and Kowalski are attention-whores. I am sure that their situation is really different. I am just reporting what I have seen in the last 9 years I've been ~~cyberdiving~~ surfing on the Interwebs. People love being the victim. Moms with autsitic children are the perfect example. Aspergers do the same thing. I have seem people wave their arms about online proclaiming. "LOOK AT ME! I AM BEING HARASSED!!!" You might as well just put a target on your ass.

Trolling is serious but, jumping up and down claiming that some wanker is bugging you is just as bad IMO. I don't acknowledge serious trolls. I don't masturbate to the attention of being a victim. That is why I am self-advocate. I am sick of being the victim.

Cross disability thoughts: Seeking out connections

2010-05-01T18:50:00.000-07:00

Multiple Perspectives was Wednesday on the twenty-eighth. Our ASAN chapter was invited to talk about self-advocacy, employment and education. It was interesting to talk to the ADA about viewpoint as self-advocating autists (and yes I nearly went into overload). Yet something reached me as sat and had lunch with several people from different disability groups. Something that I've talked about but never really discussed, especially for Blogging against Disabilism day.

What about cross-disability politics and even cross-disability ableism? We're naive to think that every disabled person is going to empathize with someone different disability. That a person with a mobility impairment is going to understand the stress of someone who is deaf and someone with borderline personality disorder is going to understand someone with dwarfism. It's not possible. It's human to find disconnect with different sub-groups with in a minority. I've seen the ableism even with in HFA/LFA dichotomy. I've talked about before. I've seen ableism from autists against those with psychoses. Especially against those that for anti-psychiatry. They too feed into the stigma and stereotypes. In the same breath I've seen people with mild psychoses judge those with severe intellectual impaired people. I've seen people with visible physical disabilities make harsh statements against those with mental impairments of all kinds.

I could go on and on and on, yet despite talking in an oroboric cycle I feel that I won't make my point clear. My point in a succinct fashion is that normal typical people are not the only people that are ableist. Ableism permeates within the disabled community much like ink within a pool of water. It's not a just a typical/normal/abled person issue it's a human issue. I know, I know I am preaching to the choir, but I feel I need to call this out.

The human aspect of not finding a connection and repelling against those with a different disability. Is something we shouldn't fixate on. Human nature is human nature. What we should do is find connections that are their. Someone with a wheelchair or a mobility impairment; should understand the frustration that a little person feels when they can't reach or obtain something without help. A deaf adult could empathize with a nonverbal autist struggling to communicate with his family. The connections are their, we just have to seek them out.

I've seen the connections in action. I've seen a man with hydrocephalus discuss neuro-diversity. Something I thought was an autist only phenomenon. I've seen TASH and other groups rise up against AutSpks. My best friend with borderline supports my autism rights activism. My schizophrenic best friend, fist bumps me when I tell him about the new laws to help mentally impaired kids. These connections are vital, and something we should strive to maintain. We should advocate for each other and find the necessary common ground to fight against ableism in typical society. Only if we stand together could we make major difference. Yet we need to address the ableism within and solve that as well. We need to stop the ideaism that one disability is better than another and that certain disability groups shouldn't exist.

Disability right are human rights. And there is ableism within disability groups.

More Information about the Protest last week.

2010-04-23T11:35:00.000-07:00

And for something completely different

2010-04-23T06:53:00.000-07:00

COMMISSIONS!

Watercolor paintings $10-15
Digital Art $8-10
Sketches $3-5

Paypal: Solobwolf@aol.com

I need the extra income this summer

ALSO

Will do RINGTONES for $1 Must have an MP3 compatible phone for it to work. Please tell me the artist and song within an E-mail and I will make 30sec ringtone for you.

Protest Pic Spam

2010-04-21T13:02:00.000-07:00

Ignorance (NSFW)

2010-04-19T18:57:00.000-07:00

Ok kiddies it's another NSFC/W post on sex. Those under 18 are not permitted to read.

So I wrote a post back in October about sex and orgasm. This is also about sex but a short post on the idealism that sex is more that just male-centric that it's also able-centric. The idea of disabled adults with amputations, deafness or some sort of mental illness having sex is considered dirty or even fetishistic. I have been around enough "hentai" and "yaoi" groups to notice that there is such thing as an amputation fetish. Is it wrong? No it's not wrong to have a fetish but to treat those people as a just a kink and not 'people' is.

What is even more disturbing is the social belief that those with developmental delays are unsexual beings and live in perpetual childlike innocence. That they will never understand sex and it is fruitless to have a conversation about sex to them. Of course many will figure it out on their own and sometimes in the worse sort of ways. Parents are also disgusted at the thought of their sons or daughters masturbating and will try to correct this 'deviant' behavior. Never mind the fact that if a typical teen masturbates, most parents will do is roll their eyes and shut the door. Yes masturbation is stigmatized for all neurotypes but it seems that those with atypical neurologies get punished for it more than those with neurologies that are accepted.

This infantilizting of people with DD including autists is very detrimental and continued to assert the ablelism that only healthy normal people enjoy and have sex. Autistic people having sex is gross, severally autistic people interested and even having sex themselves is wrong and bad. It's continuing to enforce sexual ignorance among my social group and continuing the schism between between typical and atypical. It also suggests the idea that, autistic people and DD people...can't consent to sex. Therefore it's wrong.

I find this troubling in many levels.

Media doesn't resolve this problem. Picoult's book House Rules has Jacob Hunt being asexual and even aromantic (which is another believe that HFA autistics have no idea of romantic love let alone severe autists) Jacob admits that he might have love Jess however. I feel that was just shoving the dagger a bit deeper really and into an Adam-esq feeling of: "You may love the girl but you'll never have her". Elizabeth Moon, did this too but she made Lou a sexual being. Lou narrates in "Speed of Dark" that he wants to take his love interest out and even make love to her. This defiantly suggests that Lou enjoys and wants sex (I have feeling though that Moon made him a virgin).

The idea that sex between two consenting atypical adults should be normalize. Is one that many people can't seen to fathom. Mostly because consent seems to be a "normal" thing. Autistic and DD people can't consent.

We should abolish this, sex is a choice. A choice that all people should have and not be judge for it. Autists should have the right have sex, or not have sex. Not every autist is asexual.

Particpation in Reindeer Games

2010-04-14T13:17:00.000-07:00

I still need to work on my outline for Multiple Perspectives, the art of the being a procrastinator is in full swing, but as of late I have been thinking about something that hasn't been sitting well with me.

Why do I feel a divide in my own job?

Not like a huge divide but a weird feeling that I am not really staff, maybe it's because I am part time or maybe because I don't have a "teacher aura". Whatever the case is I can't help but feel sorta...awkward. I like talking and chatting with my co-workers but in some ways I feel that any friendships I make are kinda work only and will end there. Even worse, I feel so mascot-y around my co-workers. Like 'aww lookit you go! Yer so cute and inspirational!' I remember when I was new and interesting for the co-workers. I was the cute punky looking aspie girl...now I am just the aspie girl. I have gotten praise for my work like recently when a kid spilled milk in his bag, I offered to take it and wash it out for them. It was no big deal after all it's my job, apparently it enough to warrant a 'shout-out' on the message board in the teachers lounge. Which is where teachers post messages for fellow staff when they when up and beyond their duties..

How does being responsible equal being up and beyond and why does the well intention praise just feel so...fake to me?

Now the Gala is coming up. It's to raise money for the school. While most autists will pass on the opportunity, thinking that Saturday meltdowns are not a good idea. I want to go. Not because I want to socialize, but actually be considered equal to my peers for once. To be on their level...because some days I don't feel like I am.

On the other hand Voltaire is playing at Outlands that same night...Enoch is playing on taking me. One has better outcome at the end of the night.

Functionality and Normalcy

2010-04-09T21:18:00.000-07:00

Now at age 18 Tikaani could feed, dress and use the toilet by himself. Skills that Hanai though he will never learn. However he still has trouble cooking the most simple of meals, can't sow or tan leather. He can make a drum from scratch though make a fire and hunt for clams and even fish, but not hunt or work with any weapons. He can't be left alone for his running behavior. He can read and write though and does well with dogs.

but...is he normal?

What is exactly is functionality? Why do professionals fixate on the binary of low and high functioning? Is Tikaani low functioning since he could barely speak accept for short sentences or is he high functioning enough since he could do a trade like make drums or harvest selfish in his tribe and he is also literate.

Functionality creates a border. An us/them mentality that does more harm than good and the concept of functionality seems to be evolving every year. I can't drive I can't hold a full time job I probably won't marry again (I don't even want to talk about that) or go to college. Am I functional though? Doctors think I am. I am Asperger, ergo HFA. So I must be high functioning. Despite having obvious challenges that more "functional" people have. I know autists that can drive and hold full time jobs, marry and be huge drivers in politics. Are they more "high functioning" than me? Do they get their Autie Licenses revoked?

I have seen the dreadful hierarchy that functionality causes. This idea that HFA autists should 'lord' over LFAs makes me nauseous. The idea that the LFA need us to protect them is stupid. ASAN unfortunately from what I see makes no effort to address this issue. This deciding line between LFA and HFA and the fact that these labels are going extinct (eventually) is going to be important for ASAN and other organizations to pay attention too. They need to see the infighting and the ableism within the group. I believe LFA people have much to contribute as long as they gain accommodations they need.

The problem is...once an oppressed group gains power, the opposing group tries to find ways to get it back. Any means necessary.
You can interpret that last line any way you want.

PS, I don't put Tikaani with any functionality label, at least not personally. I use a label to for reference for some RP players and in my fictions for the public. But generally, Tikaani isn't Low or High functioning. He's...Tikaani.

Bard

Derpderpderp

2010-04-03T15:18:00.001-07:00

I got bored today...so I was practicing some coloring. Yesterday I was with Melanie posting more flyers around OUS campus. We both had the great idea about confronting the AutSpks both that was at the South Oval, but closer we got the more apprehensive Mel was. As for me, well I was fired up and ready to go. I think I was channeling a little bit of Thelma that day. But she decided to talk to our group adviser and plan a more affective attack. So we decided just to flyer-bomb campus and then later she is going talk to student organization consul about using "Counter" signs, next to AutSpks signs with facts about AutSpks the organization. If this approved, well look out AutSpks *evil laugh*

It's sneezy, icky and coughy. I can't breath and hacking up green globs. I can barely tolerate the humidity or the heat. I am not use to this at all and all the dust from the roads. Rahmet says that Ba Sing Se is city of change and that adult needs to go with the flow. In fact as Water Tribe I should be more fluid to change. It's not change I am bugged out about. It's fact I can't breath at night and my nose is runny. UGH!

Gods damn allergies. I never got this back in North.

Easter Weekend I will have the prompts done. Like Tikaani I am having an icky kind of day.

Excellent Birds

2010-04-02T07:57:00.000-07:00

As it's World Autism Awareness day, I should write a huge egocentric piece on how I view autism. Or even a Tikaani fiction piece (BTW Casdok, I have your prompt in progress I would love to have more prompts from you others) but I decided to try my hand again on another essay that is opinion only because I am too lazy to hunt down sources from Baron-Cohen. *side glance*

Theory of mind seems to be the new "explanation" to describe autistic people. It shiny and bright and full of sophomoric reasoning that grasps the populace and continues sadly the stigma of having a alter-wired brain. I will be discussing TOM (theory of mind) and how it's simply a rehashing of the old tropes that pervaded within the autism culture.

Yesterday afternoon, I was with my ASAN chapter, we spent the afternoon going around campus passing out flyers and groaning at Autspk's 1-110 lawn posters As much as I wanted to pull them out, I realized that would look bad on us so we and our chapter ran around combating ignorance the best we could. Later that afternoon we were invited to the lecture by John Duffy from Notre Dame. The lecture was wonderful and invoking (and there was pita and humus!) which inspired this essay.

Acoording to Wikipedia Theory of Mind states this

Theory of mind is the ability to attribute mental states—beliefs, intents, desires, pretending, knowledge, etc.—to oneself and others and to understand that others have beliefs, desires and intentions that are different from one's own.[1] Though there are philosophical approaches to issues raised in such discussions, theory of mind as such is distinct from the philosophy of mind.

The idea is that autists have lack of this TOM or a very damaged one. With this we are quote "mindblind". Baron-Cohen idea that autistic people are mindblind brings up an anthropological context that to me is interesting. I believe everyone is rather mindblind, when it comes to cultural imperialism. We tend to assume that our culture is grand and great and over throwing a native culture is best and beneficial. We see this with White Privilege and 1st World Privileged people who think that doing missionary work or working in the deep urban areas is act of charity. That everyone should be like them and that if black people work hard enough they can escape the ghettos and have white collar jobs like them. Privileged people unfortunately are blind to the racist infrastructure that binds POC and makes it's difficult to escape. Even if they do escape, they will be discriminated for acting "white". Cultural Mindblindness is quite common.

Even Religious mindblindess. I mean look a the Christian church? They all believe that the majority of atheists, pagans, agnostics really want to be saved. Many are fiercely ignorant of said religions and that feeds into their asinine beliefs of what they really are.

Baron-Cohen uses dividing language according John Duffy, to polarize. Even though Baron-Cohen continues to backpeddle all the damn time (u guise this very simple graph I madeded isn't simple...u guiiiise? Ok I don't think he talks like a lolcat I just did it for satirical fun) One of the things I noticed the idealism that Autistics were are mindblind in the same context of say chimpanzees and other animals. I kinda lifted my eyebrow at this because I felt like this was familiar. Suddenly it occurred to me. Doesn't that sound like something out of the Tibetan Book of the Dead? I remember reading the TBotD one afternoon and reading about the bardo or realm of animals that even though animals have emotions they lack humor (In the TBotD). This is a Buddhist concept but it seems to resonate with me when was listening to John Duffy. I don't know why but I made a connection to the idea that we're mindblind like animals to the idea that human soul got stuck within the Bardo of Animals. It was honestly sophomoric, but nevertheless fascinating. Has Baron-Cohen read the TBotD?

Over all as I was listening it felt that Baron-Cohen was refilling the rhetoric of the Changeling Child. Somehow describing that we cannot connect to other humans because we are blind to their mental state is almost saying that we are "Other" or "Not human". Haven't we evolve past the 11 century Irish idea that babies are kidnapped by sidhe? Apparently not, the discourse of TOM continues to burn the bridge that autistic people are humans. Instead...I feel that TOM continues to paint us as constructs...false people.

Golems.

Bard Out.

I am feeling stimmy

2010-03-30T16:34:00.000-07:00

My brain wants to write but I can't seem to organize the squirming octopus which is my creativity.

So I was wondering if I could have some audience participation? Basically I will write one two paragraphs with Tikaani as my main focus and you all can shoot me some "prompts' Which can be one word like "Circle" or a link to a song or a idea like "Tikaani speaking for the first time or his first kiss." Something like that and I will write about it.

Hopefully this will keep me stimulated.

Welcome Home

2010-03-26T19:27:00.000-07:00

I had an idea few weeks ago...I am still fleshing it out but I want to shoot the idea here for some of my readers.

The Odysseus House
Basically it's a house off of OSU campus that is a transitional home for ASD adults. I want it to be fully accessible and open for all types of autists. It's temporary home for adults who need a place to stay (say moving away from parents, looking for a dorm, needing housing for a few months...etc) also a place for adults to practice necessary life skills in an environment that fosters independence. I want it to be a safe place for autists, to be among other autists and not feel forced to be normal in front of everyone. Where stimming is welcome as well as obsessive special interests. It's not a group home so autists are free to come and go when they need to. No one is force to required to stay in the Odysseus House. It's fully welcoming to care-takers or aids for autists. Accommodation of all kinds should be welcomed as long as they are reasonable. The residents work together and use teamwork as well as fostering social skills to solve problems. No one NT should be in charge. It should be home for autists by autists.

So what are people's opinions of this...since my run in with housing limbo, I think it's time for use to grab the reigns and try to make a home for those that need one. So any critiques or ideas?

AH fuckit!

2010-03-22T17:27:00.000-07:00

I am just so pissy today. I just want to break something, scream, stim for hours. I don't feel like eating or drawing really, except for this mood-doodle of Tikaani. I don't know why, but god I just feel like shit.

Rawrrawr!

For those who want a life update, I am off of insurance (BOOO) and I am out of meds (DAMNIT) so I have been taking Tyleno PM to get to sleep. It's lovely side effects is me waking up with upset tummy and drinking pepto. I don't know if I am having withdrawl or I am on my invisible period or I am just being a moody aspie.

My dad is working with Aztec-Zenaca the makers of Seroquel, in an attempt to get me on their drug program so I can get my pills for free. If I pass then I can get the medication I need. I still need to call MR/DD and ask for an appeal since I was rejected and then I need to sit down with both my mom and dad and work out some goals for the next year or two.

*grumpgrumpgrump*

I wish I had mom to give me a hug right now. I really need one ):

Make it stop

2010-03-19T18:35:00.000-07:00

I am sick of this. I keep getting sickening flashes of panic and anxiety attacks. Now I am going through a severe one. This is so ridiculous I am rocking back and forth and I need some sort of pressure anything to relieve this.

It's totally not fair guys.

Special Interest Digest

2010-03-17T20:53:00.001-07:00

Because of the explosion of Tikaani and fan-bender posts I decided I should do a digest post on what is Avatar the Last Airbender and why is it my special interest.

Aspies have special topics that many are down right manic on. Some are interested in dogs, horses, trains, clocks and for something anime tends to be a special interest but I am particular to a particular program

Wikipedia states this

Avatar: The Last Airbender (also known as Avatar: The Legend of Aang)[1] is an American animated television series that aired for three seasons on Nickelodeon and the Nicktoons Network. The series was created and produced by Michael Dante DiMartino and Bryan Konietzko, who served as executive producers along with Aaron Ehasz. Avatar is set in an Asian-influenced world[2] of Chinese martial arts and elemental manipulation. The show drew on elements from East Asian (especially Chinese and Japanese) culture, blending the styles of anime and US domestic cartoons.

The series follows the adventures of the main protagonist Aang and his friends, who must save the world by defeating the evil Fire Lord and ending the destructive war with the Fire Nation.[3] The pilot episode first aired on February 21, 2005[4] and the series concluded with a widely-lauded two-hour television movie on July 19, 2008.[5] The show is available from the following sources: on DVD, the iTunes Store, the Zune Marketplace, the Xbox Live Marketplace, the PlayStation Store, and its

I got into Avatar during Easter when I was watching "King of Omashu" at first I thought it was a silly kids cartoon with lots action and martial arts. By the time I got half way into the first season I was pretty hooked. It was incriedbly invoking and inspiring I just couldn't get enough of it. November of 05 is when I got into Avatar RP. I created my first "fan-character" a grumpy pacifist firebending doctor named Sekar. I am still Rping since then...it's almost been five years.

To break down Avatar the Last Airbender (which is going to be hard) I'll start with the main plot and then go down to each of the Four Nations

Avatar the Last Airbender is set in a grueling 100 year war with the invasive and destructive Fire Nation. This was the result of the Avatar, whom is a individual that can bend or manipulate all for elements, disappeared and abandoning the nations. He is the mediator of all four elemental-countries as well as the ambassador for the Spirit-Gods and without him the Fire Nation waged a violent genocide on the peaceful Air Nomads and continue to wage a war among other nations.

In a South Pole village, Katara and Sokka a pair of Water Tribe siblings discover the new Avatar, Aang, a happy go-lucky Air Nomad. With their help and the countless of allies and friends he has made. Aang goes from carefree monk to wise and realized Avatar and defeats the violent and mislead Fire Nation and their ruthless dictator, Ozai.

Now here is a break down of the Four Nations

Earth Kingdom

The Earth Kingdom is the largest of the Element-Countries. It has two main metropolises. Omashu, which is primary a city of earthbenders and Ba Sing Se which is pretty much "The Forbidden City" in fantastic elemental Asia. It's the most diverse of the Four Nations, having various kinds of people and it's inspiration is drawing from various sources. There are subculture of benders called "Sandbenders" that live in the Si Wong Desert

They are the most enduring of the Four Nations and survived the war much better than the Water Tribes and the now extinct Air Nomads. It's government is a dual monarchy with the Omashu ruling the south end of the Earth Kingdom and Ba Sing Se ruling the north.

Fire Nation

The Fire Nation is the isolated archipelago on the equator. It's the most technologically advanced nation and going through an industrial revolution. Through the hundred years it has suffered propaganda and forced loyalty to the Fire Lord. The people of the Fire Nation are hard working and industrious they are powerful soldiers and passionate people. Most of the citizens of the Fire Nation are firebenders.

Water Tribes

The Water Tribes are polar nations. The Southern tribe resides in the South Pole and has suffered severe damage from the war. There are no waterbenders in the South. Katara is the only one. The men of the tribe left to fight and serve the other nations in war.

The North Pole is very complex ice-fortress. The poles are ruled by chieftains, Chief Hakoda rules the South and he is Katara and Sokka's father. Arnook rules the North. The polar Water Tribes are very community based and adaptive. However cultural sexism is also prevalent. Women are forbidden to fight in the North Pole and men are primary in charge. The adaptivity makes them powerful survivors. (Tikaani's home is the North Pole, he is Water Tribe)

The Foggy Swamp in the Earth Kingdom is home to portion of the Water Tribe that live kinda like hillbillies meets Boreno. The Swampbenders are much like their polar cousins. Adaptive survivors (paddle faster I hear banjos).

Air Nomads

The Air Nomads are currently extinct according to Word of God (aka the creators of the show) though fandom has ways of bending this rule. ... anyway.

The Air Nomads were nation of all airbenders and they ruled in four temples. North, South, East and West. The north and south are all male temples and the east and west are all female. There are caravans but not much are know about them. It's assumed that Air Nomads are ruled by a theocracy. Air Nomads are pacifists and practice the Buddhist variation of "non-harm" they do not eat meat and their bending lacks a killing move.

Notes on Bending:

Earthbending: Earthbending is based on the real world martial art of Hung Gar. It's strong and powerful stances are used to create earth quakes, throw boulders and even magnetize stone to their bodies. The original source of earth bending were the badger-moles.

Firebending: Is based off of Northern Shaolin. It's hard and aggressive and destructive. It's the most dangerous of any element. It can harm the bender as well as it's foe. It's original source was the dragons.

Waterbending: Is inspired by Tai Chi. It's bending is fluid and stances flow into each other. It's very versatile next to Air Bending. Waterbenders also can heal by redirecting the chi within a person. The original source of waterbending was the Moon and Ocean

Airbending: This bending was referenced by Ba Gua. It's a circular bending style and like Waterbending. Redirects the attacks of enemies. It's bending based on evasion and defense. Airbenders are clever and resourceful making airbending the most versatile bending disapline. Unlike the other three bending styles. Airbenders have no killing move. The original source of came from the Sky Bison.

As a television program, Avatar is well balanced for both adults and children. It still has fun and silly moments as well as serious topics such as ethics of taking human life, propaganda, environmentalism, sexism, responsibility and redemption. Just to name a few. It's probably one the best cartoons in my generation next to Gargoyles. I recommended it to families out there. A fair warning to the heavy Christian families out there. Avatar has a some Vedic, Buddhist, Taoist and Animist philosophy in the show. Something you should watch for in case your kids have some questions.

I hope this reference will make things easier when I talk about Tikaani. Now you have a good idea what his culture is like :3

Gender blindness

2010-03-15T21:04:00.000-07:00

This is a rather jumbled up post but something that has caught my interest.

opening fiction first person Rahmet

It was something that was gradually brought to my attention, but I noticed that my cousin didn't notice gender easily. Now I said gender not sex, Tikaani recognizes that women have 'sheaths' and men have 'swords'. Sex to him was obvious he has seen women naked in co-ed bath-houses and gods know how many times he have seen me or Maka nude. Gender was a bit more ambiguous for him. Back at home, gender to him, was defined by bending. Male waterbenders were warriors or laborers female waterbenders were healers or midwives. Gender with appearance never really register with him. Women and men work huge heavy parkas not all women wore make up both sexes wore jewelery. So defining gender based on looks didn't quite make sense to him

In Ba Sing Se, it was bit more complicated. Like him, some men had long hair, women earthbenders were laborers and warriors and some men were doctors and even midwifes. Suddenly his whole diagram is put on it's head. What was at least clear enough for him to tell is now a bit blurred. He has called women carrying hammers or tools and short hair despite wearing gowns and having prominent breasts 'sir' and men with trousers but holding children and having long hair as 'ma'am'. After several gentle corrections by me. Tikaani decided to 'fuckitall' and call everyone sir. It gets worse with children since they are naturally androgynous.

Tikaani's frustration with not telling men from women apart was embarrassing to him. It wasn't because gender was a big deal to him,(I find it kind of altruistically endearing that he doesn't care about binaries)but the shear fact it made him look like a moron. Having people laugh at him and say: "Last time I checked I still have a (pair of) breasts/penis", was very humiliating, he would lower his head say that he was sorry and stim for twenty minutes and then disconnect. Tikaani tries his best to pick out distinctions but society doesn't really help with it. Mostly because people naturally blend the binaries he grew up with (don't get me started with cross-dressers. Those just piss him off. Not because he finds it disgusting but they just confuse him even more and make it more frustrating for him.) and it makes it hard for him to distinguish.

Theoretically, I think this was probably a throwback to the years of face-blindness when he was a child. He threw a nasty meltdown when he was five and half when mom got her hair cut short. He had no idea who mom was and screamed like he was on fire. He figured it out later that day but, since then all of us don't change our appearance that much. Now the ability to not recognize familiar people based on changes on looks, has become the ability not to pick up on gender distinctions right away.

After some work with him though, Tikaani has picked up gender through voice, which I guess plays with the concept of sex (I see sex as physical and gender as social), men have deep voices women have high voices. Thanks to Tikaani's perfect pitch, he knows what a woman sounds like and what a man sounds like. Beards worked so well too since he knows women don't have big bushy beards. Now Tikaani has somewhat managed his gender-blindness. Yet...those cross-dressers do show up again to trip him up and me as well.

Why do drag queens look so darn attractive?

So the question arises, what do autistic people thing of gender? Are some actually gender blind? Do some identify with no gender? Trans? bi? or just play cis? How does gender affect autistic people in general? Are clear with binaries or are they vague to us?

FTR I don't think gender blindness is an autistic trait. I see it as simply a "Tikaani" trait. Which I used to set the topic's questions up.

Prism*Vox Seven and Reviewing House Rules

2010-03-13T19:02:00.000-08:00

This episode of Prism*Vox

Doubts about Robison, Jodi's new book...oh boy, and Snark Fest is on the gripe about the DSMV you can download this episode

Here

I'll also be sharing Sarah from "A Cat in Dog's world" in reviewing House Rules. I suffer through it so you wont have too!

Prototypes and Evolutions

2010-03-04T20:54:00.000-08:00

Since I talk a lot about Tikaani I want to deviate and talk about another fan-character.

Chiko was my first really complex ATLA fan-character. An Air-Nomad monk from the Southern Air Temple that survives a brutal massacre by the invasive Fire Nation. With his temple destroyed as well as most of his peaceful people. Chiko tries to survive with his temple-brothers. Yomi and Mao. He throw into a very chaotic and violent world.

He was something of a prototype for a disabled character too. Originally autistic he went through several evolutions until I got to his final form. A snarky, but well meaning young man with a grudge to bear and story to tell. He's fascinating because it was his experience that allowed me to try to make an autistic character one that was more identifiable than the ambiguously autistic characters I had that were more borderline Asperger like Chiko. So you could say that Tikaani is Chiko 2.0. But they are some definite distinctions and commonalities.

Tikaani and Chiko similarities.

Both of them were raised in alternate families. Chiko was raised in community of monks. His father figures were all the elders of the temple. His siblings were the monks in his peer group. Yomi was originally a big brother figure for Yomi since he had older males being more parent figures. Yomi became more of a foster father after the assault and one of the only role models besides the constantly angry Mao. Tikaani was raised by his aunt and uncles. He never understood "mother" and "father" in the typical sense. Auntie was mom and Maka was dad but never officially gave them those labels. Both of them had role models outside of the norm and grew up in alternate sort of fashions

Both of them have disabilities that are permanent. Chiko's a speech impediment and physical disability are his trademarks while Tikaani is has developmental disability. Both of them try to survive with and each have their coping mechanisms

Both of them suffered adversity. Chiko has some more racial issues because his people are being hunted down. While Tikaani is being discriminated because of his disability.

Both are opportunistic when it come to romance. Funny how they kinda ended up bi.

The differences

Chiko is more clear in communication and despite his speech problems he is willing to barrel through them to be heard. Tikaani hates verbal speech and prefers written text. Tikaani is also very literate and a very strong reader and writer. While Chiko has some learning disabilities and struggles with reading.

Tikaani prefers complex puzzles and games like Pai Sho. Chiko loves games and activities that allow him to use his whole body. It brings him more confidence when he can do activities despite his amputation.

Chiko is very dominating in relationships and can be a bit controlling, while Tikaani is really passive and disconnects easily.

Tikaani had strong mother figure, Chiko had a strong father figure.

Chiko is very grudgy and bitter, while Tikaani forgives easily.

It's interesting on how the are similar and different. They are both interesting and invoking characters and they are both building my writing and character building skills.

The Organic Android Complex

2010-03-03T21:41:00.000-08:00

Or thoughts on Pinocchio,

I haven't done a good essay a while but I figure I should try to crack one out.

One of my favorite childhood stories is the Velveteen Rabbit. The story of a beloved stuff animal being come "real' through a child unconditional love and companionship as well as fairy magic. It was the perfect story for a little girl like myself that had stuff animals for friends. I had dozens of plush animals and I still have a few around me and I still sleep with at least one. However looking back on the tropes of fiction you see that the Velveteen Rabbit is something of a trope now. It the idea that the love of another person unconditional and unrelenting can fix their problems or a characteristic that other person doesn't really understand or like. A good example is a woman loving a gay man and turning him "straight" or a woman falling in love with a drug addict and getting him clean or an abled woman making disabled man, abled.

For some it's the whole "broken doll" or the "Every girl likes a bad-boy" appeal that makes this trope and it's cousins quite over-used. Now is the Velveteen Rabbit trope generally bad? No it's a trope. A writing tool and a common plot device. It's how you write it that makes it cringe worthy. With Autistic characters, you run into this a lot and characters mostly fall into two tropes. The Organic Android and the Three Legged Dog. Now the Organic Android (OA) is the trope where the autistic character is interesting invoking and somehow relatable, but you can tell he is just a shallow image of a normal person and it almost casts you into the Uncanny Valley. The Three Legged Dog is where the autistic person doesn't see anything wrong with himself, he is happy out going but everyone feels so bad for him yet inspired by his feeling of optimism that is portrayed as sweetness and "aww what a precious and special person". One invokes fetishism the other pity. While Tikaani might fall into the TTLD trope a few times. I see a lot of writers lean on the OA for some reason. It guess it's the attempt to make him relatable but only to make him look like something on a National Geographic documentary. TTLD is common too for compassion but it echoes more pity and voyeurism than compassion.

When writing disabled or anything that is "Other" you must be mindful of the tropes and stereotypes you are using. Tropes are not bad but executing them wrong is.

My interview with Melanie Yergeau

2010-03-03T20:39:00.000-08:00

You can watch it here

I discuss autism culture and autism in fiction.