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Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Drakkhani Reproduction and Fetal Development

Posting geeky stuff instead of Autism politics today. Sorry about your luck.

Drakkhani Reproduction

Drakkhani start sexual maturity at age 13 roughly. Their fire sacs are now fully mature and their body are now producing the right pheromones for mating and reproduction. Drakkhani men start their version of musth around this time and females go in to estrus as well. Twice a year around mid spring and mid autumn drakkhani are more sexual active and being what is often called "the Itch." Males will be more aggressive and horny and compete for mates often around this time. Once a female chooses the right male they will mate. During marriage rights and courting, the female will of course test to see if the male is worthy by spending time with it. This goes around Winter or Summer before estrus. If the male is worthy she will ask the elders to preform the marriage rights and the male becomes her mate (U'khayi). Once estrus begins the male will begin the task of mating.

Sex is done often in the air as it's often very pleasurable, but on the ground is common too. Male will mount the female mostly from the front (as the tail makes mounting from behind difficult) eye contact as well as mutual grooming acts as foreplay simulating them both. The act of mating last from anywhere twenty minutes to an hour depending on how much foreplay involved. Oral sex is common during mating and males often preform this after intercourse. Afterplay usually comes after intercourse which is usually body rubbing and tail wrapping.

Same sex pairs are common in drakkhani culture. Male crehs are established in traditional dias (clan families) these are normally sexually mature males that ban together and living among the clan. During the “Itch” it is not unheard of to see young males mating with each other “Scratching the itch” is their word for homosexuality in crehs. To lower testosterone levels. Females in their own crehs do the same thing during estrus. It's also not uncommon for males and females to pair bond instead of the opposite sex. Because of the communal raising of young, same sex pair bonds are not left out of raising of children. Adoption is also considered a cultural norm.

Fetal Development

Drakkhani have a two part gestation. First part the female carries the unborn hatching while consuming large quantities of calcium rich foods to produce the shell (which takes about three to four months to grow and surround the emybro) once the shell is formed the female lays the egg which will continue incubate in a massive nest filled with other eggs laid around summer or winter (winter laid eggs are guarded by a creh for young females and males who watch the eggs until spring as many clans migrate during the winter)

Conception-2wks: The sperm and egg join inside the female and start genetic replication. A blasocyte is formed and continues to divide and divide. It travels down fallopian tube and embeds in the uterus. The little clusters of cells began to divide into two halves. One becoming the embryo the other the yolk/placenta.

3-4wks: At this time the embryo is forming. The heart is forming as well as the head case. The cord is also formed connecting to the yolk sac. At this time the female's pH level will start to change and emit an odor signaling that she is pregnant. She will start having cravings for milk and food heavy in calcium.

5-7wks: The embryo is now forming leg and arm buds, the wing bud does not form until the tenth week. A black spot on it's face is the eye. It will often have something like a muzzle a throw back to drakkhani's ancestor to dragons. This muzzle with flatten into a human like face. The heart is still being formed as well as the spinal cord.

9-12wks: The body is still taking shape. It's roughly the size of a small peanut. Around this time the heart will start beating. The wing bud is forming and the calcium that the mother is ingesting will continue to form the shell.

4th mth: At this point in the game the embryo is still inside the mother. The yolk sac is fully developed and will be it's food source from the time it's laid until hatching. Shell is around the embryo providing a spacious cocoon around it until it become too small around hatching. An air bubble would be at the top of the egg during laying which will be it's oxygen source once its lungs are developed. The female will start to lay the egg going into labor. The laying process is around an hour to two hours long. The egg is soft and reptilian looking with tendrils at the end that will hook onto rock surfaces and anchor it preventing the egg from being moved around.

5th mth: Now the process of incubation begins. The egg is among other eggs in very warm and dry area. Females must keep the temperature constant. They will not gender the eggs until the sixth month. Hot temperatures often form female drakkhani cooler temperatures produce males. Much like crocodiles. This is not always a rule. There have been females born in male gender egg clutches. Inside the egg the embryo is developing legs and talons it's hands are forming the wings are also forming. The tail is long and formed as well. Most of the organs are still being formed.

6thmth: At this time the females will gender eggs. Females will get higher heat around this month and male eggs around this time will be left alone. The fire sac is being formed and will not mature until adolescence. The embryo is now starting to look more like a mini-drakkhani now growing into the size of a small bell pepper. Quicking will happen, and the nervous system is now starting to cause reactions. Including tail twitching and grasping with talons.

7th:mth: The brain is developing as the skull is already forming around it. It's senses are also developing. Eyes are now developed. As are the hands and talons. Wings are still growing. The now fetus will start moving around the egg. Turning it's face to the sounds of it's clan mates. It will yawn and grasp it's cord and tail.

8th: There has been dramatic change. The fetus's hand talons are formed. So are it's major organs. The lungs are still growing and will be complete once the fetus's head and mouth reach the air packet in the egg. The wings are now formed. Skin color will be apparent. The fetus will press it' hand against the shell and slap it's tail on it. The shell is starting to be more transparent. The fetus will be seen around the tenth month.

9th mth: The fetus is now growing rapidly. The yolk is getting smaller smaller and the fetus is almost ready to be hatched. The horn buds are forming and it's body looks more like a drakkhani now.

10th -11th mths: At this stage of the game. The fetus is almost complete with it's lungs. It's little face is in the air pocket and breathes the air for the first time. It's lungs are formed. Flight bladders are formed and so is the brain. It's canards are still small.

12th mth: Finally the fetus starts to hatch. The shell is weak and the yolk is gone. The fetus will start tearing open the shell skin with it's back talons. It's a long process. This is observed the clan as the cord disintegrates once the fetus plops out of the egg. It's a very long and exhausting process. Most hatchings take up to two to four hours during hatching.

Twining is very rare in Drakkhani biology. Many double yolked eggs do not survive pass the first month of incubation. Double layings are also rare however those survive often. Double layings are almost always fraternal however double yolked eggs are mostly identical. Those that survive are regarded as a sacred and the twins that hatch are often raised to be priests. Fraternal hatchings that are different genders are also respected being the living principle of the God/Goddess dichotomy. The problems concern twining mostly fall under one of the twins dying or being reabsorbed. More often than not, one twin will end up with a developmental delay of some kind. Most common are “Turner-Ackman's Syndrome” which has many symptoms that are similar to human's Down's Syndrome. Including mental retardation and low muscle tone. They also would have a flatter scalp and rounder ears. They are often born with small or no fire sac. They will be able to fly but not produce the gas necessary for fire breath and are prone to weight issues and a poor thyroid. Low Oxygen Syndrome or LOS is also a common disorder in double yolked eggs. One twin would not be able to receive enough oxygen during the last leg of incubation. Because of this it will have several delays and neurological impairment. Many will not be able to fly because of sensory processing issues and many will spend their lives on all fours. They will have cognitive delays and will need the care of their clan for the rest of their lives. Many LOS drakkhani are prone to seizures. LOS is almost a 78% in double yolked eggs, Turner-Ackman's is around 67% in happening. About 89% of double yolked eggs will end up being dead.

Double layings will have less chances on having complications. However their have been reports of LOS happening on one of the eggs that have a weaker shell. Weak Shell Disorder also is common with double layings, one of the shells of the eggs will be weaker and prone to collapsing. Females that are expected to gestate two eggs are suggested to double their calcium and iron intake. Conjoined twins are highly rare, those never survive incubation. Dr. Travis Yoland, xenobiologist has the only specimen of a drakkhani conjoined fetus. The fetus died in incubation and was extracted. The fetus has no gender and is joined at the buttocks. There have been only 5 reports of conjoined twins in drakkhani society. Neither have survived.

Notes taken by Dr. Episolon Jadeclaw

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Review: Autism: The Musical

Mel gave me a new movie to review for my blog. As a person that loves a good movie I jumped on it. Now she warned me that it's a mix-mood film. Some parts will make you “frown face” others she said I would love. So I am prepared. Hopefully it would be inspiring and wonderful film.

Plot: The movie is centered around five children Lexi, Neal, Henry, Wyatt, and Adam. It's documentary on a drama and movement group for special needs kids and around Elaine who runs it.

-Neal's mom kinda made me smile, she loved and accepted her little boy (who is non verbal) and tried another approach to helping her son communicate. The treatment she was using looked like the Son Rise style of social education which from my experience is less invasive than ABA she also used more creative methods which I liked.
-I am gonna to adopt Henry <3 He's friggin adorable. He's also an aspie autist. We can both geek out over dinosaurs and prehistoric creatures.
-Also Adam is also presh <3 (Flirt too, Go boy, git it git it!)
-I really feel for Wyatt, he does have the “aspie honesty” trait and tells it like it is. I was a lot like him, I withdrew a lot, but the line of “I don't even know why I go into my own world it doesn't even make sense.” Hit home for me. He's so lonely like I was so desperate for a friend. He likes Henry and gets frustrated with him. But you can see that he wants so bad to have someone to talk to...someone who can protect him from bullies
-Lexi reminds me of Tikaani a lot. She's semi-verbal but still very bright. Also a good singer. Those two can totally do a duet (if Tikaani can just stand still for a moment before he bolts off at something XD)
-Roslynn verbally smacking the second in command for the Miracle Project made me grin. She was so peeved to find her son's cello piece cut from the script. Her line “The cello is his voice” totally made me woot. I am artist, drawing is my voice if someone told me after months of working hard on a drawing that I couldn't put it up in gallery. I'll be pissy too. Go Ros go!
-The FC scene was also powerful. I wonder if Elaine would like to meet DJ Sevarese
-The play itself was bright and Adam got to play his cello!

-I just straight up disliked Lexi's mom on the first five minutes of the movie. Her dad Joe, I heart him. He's loving father.
-Vetrice is just...I hated when she said “Wow, if he wasn't autistic imagine the possiblities.” I mean c'mon woman. Kid is a doll, and verbal and smart and friggin savant he's gonna be a heart breaker when grows up.
Wyatt's line broke my heart “Mom! When bullies grow up they get meaner” I was at the point of tears, because it's true. They get meaner and they get away with it too. Like the AutSpks drones.
The over exaggeration of eye contacted bugged me for some reason
The birthday party pissed me off. I have no idea why Elaine thought it was a good idea to have a birthday party for her classically autistic son. And when Neal hurt that kid by throwing him it was away of saying “I am done” yeah it was a bad move but it was obvious that he was trying to communicate something. Jesus woman....
The parent room scene was interesting but at the same time I was rather pissed off at Hillary. Your kid is eight grade and learning to wash dishes because she needs to learn to take care of them at her how house when she lives independently. I didn't learn to properly wash dishes until I was around fifteen. Don't jump on teachers for teaching your kid life skills. That should be your job bitch, but you're too busy mourning the loss of the man you shoved away. Also I think you are projecting a lot. You can't even value Lexi.

Overall the kids themselves were pretty damn cute. Parents were ok, and yet...I was more resonating with the kids than the parents. Then again...I am an autist myself.

Tikaani says:
“This movie was interesting and adaptive and I felt that I could be in the play too, I hope someone ends up valuing me too.

I give it three and half flappy-hands. Decent watch if you can ignore the self-pity that some of the parents have.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Ari Ne'eman and the "Bitchplz" moment

Once again life has sucked me up and spit me up. I have been dealing with a lot issues including gender identity and dating a new man and I have honestly neglected this blog. So I am gonna try to at least draw something or post Drakkhani stuff just to keep it active.

Now this weekend was completely mind boggling. Thanksgiving itself was rather simple and the Friday after wards was more volunteer work and having a really heavy conversation with Dave. Saturday was when Ari arrived in C-bus I hanged out with him and Melanie, Nick was there. Despite the fact dad decided to go on an abusive drunken rant later that night. The weekend was highly enjoyable (oh and there was the melt down at the pizza party forgot about that)

Did I mention that I have been going through some stressful and mindblowing changes?


Anyway...Monday was Ari's talk on Neuro-D. I played helper monkey and help with setting up and closing down and generally assisting Cindy Selfe and Mel (cus dats how I roll). I was looking forward to the lecture and the discourse that followed. That's until a coward showed up in the midst of all of this. There was a paper called "Neurodiversity: Treatable with early detection" I was fuming but Ari decided this was excellent debate material and had it up with him. The paper was actively protesting ASAN's socio-ethics. While I was irritated, I was more frustrated that he came and left.


Fortunately one of the English rhetoric students decided to cut it down using logic and rhetoric. Nicely done Pat.

The lecture went smoothly and there was some wonderful questions (I asked how is ASAN and the NeuroD community going to include those that are non-verbal and classically Autistic in the debate and participate with their community) however there was definitely a "bitchplz" moment. The president of autspks decided to hog the Q/A section. She was accusatory and loud and had no regard for everyone else in the room. Then she totally pulled a "LOOKIT IMMA HERO" with asking us that if we have spent time with a severely autistic boy.

Oh no she didn't

So this is to the attention whoring martyr in the back.

Dear AutSpks minion,

How dare you. How dare you disrespect the adults in Denny Hall by your inappropriate and obnoxious behavior. And how dare you strip the dignity of the classically autistic boy you spoke of by using him like a poker chip. I was frankly disgusted. Guess wheat Barbie, I have been with autistic and developmentally delayed adults in diapers. Unlike you I don't shame him or her for having a tool to use. I have also been with autistic teens that are suicidal and had to talk one down from killing himself. Another from running away as well. Both were victim of harassment. So yeah I can play the selfless hero bid too.

However, Where were you when they need your help? Where were you when I needed your help? When I was sitting in the bus being verbally and sexually harassed. Where were you and your champions for autists? When we desperately needed tools to survive every day when we cry out to be heard and have our voices counted? Or are you just in it for the cookies and punch?

You're not a fucking hero. Stop lauding yourself as one. You don't want to help autists you just want to make your resume look good.

Fuck you

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Cure for Sale

Sorry I haven't been posting a whole lot there has been a whole lot of change as of late and I just haven't had the energy to post something. However now that I have an hour before work I decided to do some catch up.

The funny thing about parents especially those that have the "cure now" mindset, is that money is no object. The will buy anything as long as it's claimed to cure this or this. Humans are rather gullible huh? However I had a did have bit of serendipitous moment the other day or week rather, proving that people are not so easily swayed.

Craiglist is like the Russian roulette of ads, you don't know where the bullet is. However I saw an ad about a family looking for someone to play with their autistic daughter, lets call her Tanya. I read the ad and it looked plausible enough so I called the father and we arranged a few thing. I had a friend drive me to friggin Newark for my first therapy session with Tanya. The apparently use another form of therapy called "Son-Rise". This kind of therapy isn't instructive but has a Montessori feel to it. Child led and all. It mentions that you are suppose to praise the child for eye contact as well as join in with the child as he or she stims. The pamphlet notes that the therapy suggests you join the child in their world. Which seems to be more of a "pos-autive" concept. I was on board with that and I was also eager to do this program with Tanya.

The first session was pretty tense. Tanya didn't know I was coming (oooh lose a point parents)so she was tense, I could feel it. She was also really high energy but so am I so I kept up with her. Over all the first session was about getting to know who I am and what my boundaries are. She figured out fast that I am not the kind of person that break easily (kid tough for your enjoyment), in the end we played connect four and we seem to made our own kind of connection the only downside was the fact she was upset when I touched her barbies and dolls (my bad) she was still upset at me for it. I have feeling that she is gonna be holding this grudge for a while...bummer.

Overall, I found this session to be different from most experiences with pro-cure parents (how do I know they are pro-cure? They want their child completely off the autistic spectrum though this therapy....uh yeah...good luck with that) Hopefully if I don't say anything about human rights, socio-ethics, neurodiversity that this could totally be a long term volunteer gig.

Into Curbie hell I go

Wednesday, October 20, 2010


This pass week has been very intensive. Thursday being the most with me teaching Melanie's class on how to write autistic characters and as well as helping adults during the OAADD conference. Over all my activism has been at 11 all week. Today though I'll be seeing my favorite author. So no activism today :3

However this topic isn't about those two things but about Nov 1 communication shutdown. I am honestly rather skeptical about this. Mostly because if feels like a half bake idea. Sure for one day people are going to be frazzled without Twitter or Facebook. But that's not going to illicit the empathy needed to understand the communication blocks we autists experience. Mostly because it's easy to get around also it's only got one day.

For use communication blocks are forever and not something you can easily get around. Many of use can't talk, and have trouble using computers and for us communication is an effort, but we've always seem to find creative ways of doing it and doing it well.

Honestly this idea sounds so half-baked I wonder of the NT that thought of it can really attempt to understand the frustration of speaking a language that know one could understand.

Monday, October 11, 2010


I have been self medicating with this song <3

Sunday, October 10, 2010

The Deluge

At the AutSpks protest I thought I would be strong enough to stand against the feelings of fear and hurt. Instead during wave of insults being flooded I crumbled during the deluge. There were many many moments I had to find shade and cover myself with coats to destress and cool down.

By the end of the protest I was so emotionally drained I just wanted to go home. I hard to stand strong and courageous when others think you are not good enough to.

They have no idea that I was struggling to remain verbal and clear that I was losing cognative response that I was falling apart in the most terrible way possible. They call me named and shouted at me and I could just stand their holding up signs and standing tall

While deep down I was really drowning.

This protest made me for the first time wonder why I am doing this, if what I am doing is even right. And if I am going to be swept away by the deluge of hate, ignorance and justification of genocide. Sometimes I really hate being autistic, sometimes I wish I wasn't

yet despite the feelings of fear and wishful thinking.

I never want to see my students go through what I went through and to stand against the flood.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Exit Though You (Fiction)

This is an old fic I did of my character Wilson. He's an original character and like Tikaani he is also autistic but with the gift of psychic powers. I will be talking more about him and Tikaani when I do my lesson on making Autistic characters.

Exit Through You.

Accident in the shower I forgot to wash my heart...now the dust has turned to mud since we've been apart.....

A feeling of emptiness settled in Wilson's gut. He wondered if this is what it's like after a break up. A gray sort of blankness that hovers around you. A kind of fog that you can't shake off but gradually it evaporates.
She wasn't really that great of a girl Wil, she had a Down Syndrome brother...she felt sorry for you. Said ever familiar voice. Not his own, but someone else. Wilson didn't know if 'Refuge' the angel that been at his side since he could remember, was really a metaphysical being, or a schizophrenic hallucination. Maybe Refuge was a little of both.
“She gave me a chance though Ref, how many girls will ever give me a chance?”
You can't just hook up with a girl because they have some vestigial echo of empathy. You could do so much better. Refuge argued, his deep and timeless voice resonated around Wilson as he leaned back in his computer chair and took off his glasses. He has been working on his thesis all afternoon. Home sick with a flu-bug, Wilson took the opportunity to finish homework. He sighed and put his square framed glasses on the oak wood desk and got up to get some soy milk. It was four o'clock in the afternoon. Wilson checked his schedule, it was time for yoga and then an hour of playing on his Wii. Wilson drank the chocolate soy milk as he walked over to get his yoga mat. Just like Refuge, he has been on well managed schedule as long as he could remember.

Mrs, Grandam it's apparent your son has autism. It's a neurological condition-
I know what it is...my younger brother was institutionalized because of it, so can you get me some phone numbers so I know what to do next?
You seem prepared for this Mrs Grandam...did you know your son is autistic?
Of course, you just confirmed the obvious, so what do I do now?

Wilson's mother never was afraid of anything. Her brother Mikkael was sent to an institution when she was thirteen, she loved her brother even after his death. She promised that Wilson will never know those walls and he will find away to overcome any odds and now Wilson was in college in Philadelphia. Yet it seems that it was obvious to his mother that he would be verbal and independent. Years of occupational therapy, ABA and speech therapy and Wilson was high functioning enough to hide his disability. Of course every day he had to tell himself to look people in the eye, don't ramble about genetics or mushrooms, don't flap your hands. He felt like a puppet on strings most of the time. Imitating people.

“Calliope said I had no empathy Refuge, that's why she broke up with me. She couldn't connect to me.” Wilson noted with a sad wryness. He arched back into a bridge position his slate blue eyes looking at the ceiling fan. He kept wondering if he was really just a puppet. When is the Blue Fairy going to turn him into a real boy?
You have empathy. You remember when your gay friend Ryan committed suicide, weren't you there holding his boyfriend his arms? Refuge recanted to Wilson as he continued to through his asanas Wilson brushed his dusty brown curls out of his face and finally collapsed into the the 'child-pose'.
“Only because KJ asked me too, and I liked KJ and yeah I was really upset, but...I don't grieve that long maybe because I still hear Ryan's voice or an echo of his voice.” Wilson's clairaudiance was rare gift, most psychic powers or gifts of divination come visually, for Wilson he could hear the dead the past and the future. It was that gift that allowed him to know that Ryan shot himself. Being called a fag for so long can do that to you. Wilson understood, how many times did the word retard do that to him?
“She also thought I needed to be medicated.” Wilson added, Refuge's retorted back.
She thinks everyone needs to be medicated. Weren't you on anti-psychotics for a while? Wilson grimaced. Those were some very quiet months, his mother took him off of it because he stopped talking, stopped doing...anything. Just made him still. Wilson checked his watch, now it was time for some Wii, he stopped for a moment and check his watch again. He washed his face and grabbed his hoodie and his wallet.
Breaking routine today? Asked Refuge as Wilson headed out locking his apartment door. He walked down the steps into the smoggy Philly air.
“Maybe...maybe I am just trying to be less like an android.”

I am sorry Wil, you're so sweet and thoughtful but, I don't think could work out. There is something about you that I can't connect with some days you feel like a robot..

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Monday, October 4, 2010

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Blogging award

So Kim gave this last week and I feels more like I got tagged in a meme. Now I have to pick seven people to give this too when honestly I don't think I have seven people on my blog list that I can give this too and to be honest I really don't want to... I also have to give seven facts about myself.

1) I'm also a lefty
2) I have big love for pit bulls
3) I love to storm chase
4) My special interests are Avatar:TLA and Gargoyles
5) My favorite artists are Wendy Pini and Collen Doran
6) I love wearing my five toed shoes
7) And my birthday is on Monday!


Saturday, October 2, 2010

Quick Tikaani doodle

This was done back in say around February I still love it

I did this at the free clinic

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Laughing Skies

It's been a strange month for Bard as of late. Change abound with working with new students and adjusting to new settings. I am feel that I feeling my oats and growing into a bigger shoes.

Mel from Aspie Rhetoric told me about a few weeks ago (late Aug) about a housing summit in MO hosted by various Self-advocacy groups on community support. From that seed I was invited by Ari to represent the Columbus ASAN chapter and help build initiatives for community living. This is a bit undertaking and I was more than thrilled to do this.

Here I am in the Central US in good ol' land of BBQ, Jazz, streetcars named Desire and corn. Hopefully becoming more than a snarky slightly bitter bard into a truly courageous and hard working adult. I am watching the skies laugh with lighting and I am glad that I had the opportunity to come.

Ari, Savannah, Paula, Scott, Elsia and Scott Robertson and myself had supper tonight preparing for the summit meeting with NLYN and SABE that is joining us. We discussed what it means to be in the community and what it means to not be in the community, accessibility, supports, choices, control and resources. It was really productive and (scored free milk) and this will set the tone for the upcoming meeting.

My goals are simply to set the gears in motion. Accessibility and resources are going to be my main stand points, I will also talk about being in the quagmire of bureaucracy and initiatives on how give the tools necessary for those with cognitive issues and non verbals, so they can find more equal footing with typical and passing peers.

I will be forthright and even downright assertive on this. I am hoping to prove myself to the rest of ASAN that I have goals and ideals but not just that. But the pit bull tenacity for change. After all, Tikaani's stubbornness is not a weakness but a positive trait ;)

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Yesterday's news (poem)

I see animals living captivity
They call it a zoo
but when see man in captivity
and I call it an Institution
where the concept of humanity
is all but a figment of a former reality
like puppies that got to big
and tossed aside like yesterday's news
human beings locked away in
discontentment and division
where their value is place at negative 10
and where their souls tear and rend
but is there an end?
There is no end

Ladies and gentlemen
I'll give you straight facts
no lies or bias here
stories need to be told
and spoken here
injustice is a foot my friends
and we must not be blind in ignorance
I have heard the tales of children being shocked
with burns on their legs and arms
tied down in leather straps
lock in a night dark room
halls scented of piss and vomit
little girls being raped while the nurse is away
parents lied saying it's ok
when the state is involved everything goes to hell
rights are stripped away from the most needy
and left to die I their own feces

humans with cognitive delays are not the enemy
not some obscene sort of tragedy
pretend you can't talk, and world is strange thing
would you want to say something? To have a choice to be protected?
Is easier to pretend that the retard locked in sterile halls is not human
would be better for you to turn you head away
default your responsibility
I wish I could tie you down watch every fucking second
of a Down Syndrome boy screaming as he left alone
in a dark and empty room
I want you to suffer like they suffer
I want to you to bleed like they bleed
I want you see what I see
I am not just hero without a cause
I have seen the mouth of ethical hell
state funded institutions are not homes
just another word for a prison
but at least prisoners have rights
what right does 'bifida girl have
besides being left alone in her wheelchair
the autistic boy is always tied down he screams for his mom
but mommy ain't here
I will champion for them my friend
after all it could be your kid
locked up in that zoo

thrown away like yesterday's news

Yesterday's News

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Tikaani post because there has been a lack of storytelling here

And no. I am still not feeling productive

Again told in Hanai's point of view and modernized for brevity's sake.
Summer has always been a very loosely structured time for Tikaani, Maka is at work as is Amana and Tikaani is often under stimulated. As a parent to my growing autistic nephew (who shot up another inch this summer and is getting close to 6'2" by the way) I feel it's my duty to make sure he is simulated and enriched. Code words out of my hair and out of my face. I can only deal with "AUNTIE!" only for so long before I shout something vulgar and throw him outside.

Mondays have been pool days when the weather is over 85F, if it's rainy or too cool it's Movie Day or going to the rec center. Tuesdays have been going to the library, Wednesdays have been hiking days were we drive out and go for long afternoon hikes at the nature park, Thursdays is going to see a Movie at the dollar theater, Fridays are Soccer days playing at local team at the rec center and weekends are "Boy days" which my husband and brother drag my nephew's brown ass into the Mini Van for whatever half-baked attempt for male bonding. Normally it's fishing or canoing which Tikaani adores but Maka had brilliant idea of taking Tikaani to the shooting range with he and Amana. Yeah brilliant idea, lets take the kid with sensory processing issues to a place with a lot noise and weird smells(not to mention GUNS!). Tikaani came home exhausted and grumpy and threw a huge fit around shower time. When I heard why he was so surly, you best believe I cussed our my spouse in five different languages and had him on the futon that night.

Now the routine is becoming too familiar to him. Movie days are not enough and Soccer is over. So my nephew has been outside on the trampoline or in the garden or riding his bike. That is until he gets bored again, then it's "AUNTIE CAN I HAVE ______" for three straight hours. School can't come quick enough.

However I have not been looking forward to the IEP meetings and getting back on the routines for Junior year. His last aid Mr. Howe, was retiring. He was one of the best aid I had with Tikaani, he knew his strengths and challenges and worked with
himnot with everyone else. Tikaani liked Mr."Jack" as well and often referred to him on his keypad as "Very nice good guy with Game Boy. Now we had a fresh out of undergrad school bubblegum chewing white chick to be his new aid. I met her Yesterday at our first IEP meeting, setting goals for him for this year. Tikaani was with me for this one and had his laptop and used that to communicate. The primary teachers for his grade this year asked him questions on what he wanted to do for this year, he told them he wanted to make more friends and get "Surprisingly Good marks" We've set up goals for graduation including him going to a Career center as well as him learning to manage his own schedule as well as his own money and time. Then the aid showed up, she was running late which didn't impressed me but when I saw her I knew things were going to be tough year. She was upbeat over bearing and over energetic. She was a typical well..NT. Tikaani who had calm body language and was doing well, immediately recoiled when "Micah Thomson" started gushing on how excited she was about working with him and how much fun they were going to have this year. She talked fast and wore too much body splash. Needless to say Tikaani was bit off put by her.

I told her about this years goals including
-Job Training
-Social skills building
-Refining communication
-Life Skills training at school (like managing lunch money)
-Extra circular actives
-Minimizing time in Special Ed

Tikaani was still spending mornings and late afternoons in Special Ed we're hoping to have that just one period a day by mid year. She was enthusiastic to work with him and talked mostly to me and never to him which was red flag to me. But I didn't give up on her yet, time will tell.

End of the meeting we headed to do some groceries and Tikaani said that he was "Unsure" about Micah. I told him to give her time that she'll eventually mellow out. Tikaani looked dubious about that, I couldn't blame him, but I still had faith that things will work out.

First day of school is next week, this will a good test to see if Micah is really a good fit for Tikaani.

Art Spam

Because I am not feeling productive today

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Drakkhani FAQ

Posting this here for easy access, Sorry about the RP spam guys

Copy pasta from my DA in 08.

So it as I am drawing these guys, I figured you people would like an FAQ about them. Just to give you the general idea about these critters how I see them draw them. It acts as a guide incase you want to request one or make one up =D

1) Q: What is a drakkhani?

A: A drakkhani is race of draconic humanoids that I created for my fantasy world Roannora (though they pop up everywhere). They stand upright, walk bipedal but can walk quad. Fly and breathe fire. They look more dragon but they have human faces.

2) Q: What the dimorphism between a male drakkhani from a female one?

A: Almost none. Males and females have slight differences.
-Have no mammary slits.
-Lightly larger and muscular

-Have mammary slits
-Hips are large for egg laying
-a little more curvy

Both look similar in hair and face, both have genital slits. Like sharks or dolphins. But they are mostly androgynous.

3) Q: What do drakkhani generally look like?

A: A little like this --> http://i60.photobucket.com/albums/h39/NightStorm_02/Drakkaniexample.jpg This is Ionah

drakkhani large feet designed for climbing wide hands (Ionah's is hidden) as well. The have horns their head and throat fire pouch. Legs are bowed. The lurch when they walk, a little like raptors.

4) Q: How do drakkhani fly?

A: A combination of large wings, hollow wing bones, and hydrogen producing flight bladders.

5) Q: How do they breathe fire?

A: A combination of a false pallaet and hydrogen gas ignited by the back teeth covered in platinum. The pouch expands as the drakkhani breaths in and contract when he exhales. False pallet lays in back the throat that protects his insides from getting roasted.

6) Q: Are drakkhani territorial?

A: Most are. They generally have scent trails left in the air during flight for there clan to follow. Others have rune marks on stone pillars stating to elves or humans that they are entering "_____'s Grounds. Most would take heed and leaving, depending on clan.

7) Q: Are drakkhani friendly to humans?

A: Generally yes. Most are hospital to humans if they are polite and respectful, though if you are not. Well...I am sure your head would might a nice warning pole =D

Take not that most clans are xenophobic, but a few are very welcoming.

8) Q: What do they like to for fun?

A: drakkhani have several hobbies. Hunting, magic craft story telling. Most love to bask. They lay in the warm sun and soak up the solar rays =D

9) Q: What clans to drakkhani have?

A: They have 12 known Major Clans and several subfamilies. Clan is word I use for their social structure. Clan is a actually Gaelic word meaning "child". I use Clan for their social structure since they the "children" of the first founders. Most of the clan members are related.

They are as followed:


10) Q: Can I ask for you to draw me one?
A: Sure just note me or AIM me for one or even ask here =D

11)Q: Do drakkhani mate for life?
A) No. drakkhani are pretty poly by nature, they might have one particular male and female they breed with but they could have several lovers, Orgies for everyone

12: Q) Do drakkhani have marital customs?
A) Yes and no, in the Nirvana City universe drakkhani emulate a lot of human customs, including marriage rituals. There is one traditional custom though, in drakk culture a pair-bond would often fly together in a dance then grab each other's hands and free fall as they are falling to their deaths they let go and ascend back up together. Then the Shaman of the clan pronounces them as a pair. Because of their polyamory they often have no need to "Fall-bond" and most will just hook up have sex and lay eggs and move one. This is common in small sub-clans when they need to expand the gene pool.

13: Q: How do drakkhani feel about human monogamy?
A: They think it's a joke, they might say, "what monogamy?" in response.

14: Q: Are their funeral customs?
A: Birth and Deaths are a big deal in Drakk society. When a drakkhani dies several things happen.
-if they died naturally (age or sickness), a shaman would bless the body and ask the Goddess to consecrate their soul. Then they would have sky burial. Spine is broken and the body is bound up in white linen with bright ribbons of many colors, flowers and spices are put on the sky bundle. drakkhani would remove the horns, talons and wings, and burn them in a massive fire. They are the three most important part to a drakkhani. The mate and family member will then take the body to a mountain top to rest and become part of the forest. The rest of the clan will keen, many humans who hear a drakkhani funeral song, often get the willies, it's something like whale song and Tuvan throat singing. All members sing together.

-However if they died in battle, either their pair-mate or closest companion or brother/sister will partake of ritualized cannibalism. The will eat the heart of their fallen companion, taking their soul inside them. The rest of the body is would be buried in drakkhani fashion.

15: Q: Would the death of a drakkhani child be the same as an adult.
A: Yes, but their would probably be more grief, parents might weep in their keening song or before preforming the sky burial would maybe cradle the baby and sing it a lullaby to quiet the soul of a child that never reached adulthood (this is seen as really morbid by humans). It's also to prevent Utdene, which is the ghost of a child either taken from their mother or killed before adulthood. Utdene are often curses prevent females from having children until the spirit is put to rest.

Quirky note, in modern drakkhani culture, most older drakkhani are 'pro-life' not for the same reasons as humans though. This is based on the old superstition of the Utdene. Many older females from the home world believe that terminating an unborn baby drakkhani upset the soul of the child causing a Utdene or 'ghost curse', this is all massive superstition and may younger drakkhani don't believe in this.

16: Q: Do drakkhani have ritualized rape?
A: No only one clan does this. Bluefangs might have something like appears to be rape but it's more or less a dominate male pressing his penis against a younger male to symbolize mounting him. It's suppose to suppress the hormones to mate. Humans assume all clans do this, not a small minority and it's often sensationalized by the media.

17: Q: Do drakkhani have sex in the air?
A: yes many do, it's considered a traditional away to consummate a marriage.

18: Q: Do drakkhani masturbate?
A: Who doesn't? drakkhani don't have a large stigma on sex and self-pleasure.

19: Q: What kind of religion does drakkhani have?
A: polytheistic, they have goddess figure...Starfang and other minor gods, they also practice ancestral worship.

20: Q: Is it frowned upon for a Drakk to mate with a human
A: Yes. Drakk/human children are possible though magic, but if they are ever conceived and born they are freaks with a lot of disorders. So it's frown upon to have sex with them with the intent to breed.

21: Q: Do females have periods?
A: Twice a year. Also males have testosterone surges and are more violent than usual.

22: Q: What age to hatchings breath fire?
A: 8-18 Depending on who...Lucian was late in the fire breathing department.

23: Q: Is there sexism?
A: That's more of a human concept really.

24: Q: Do drakkhani have human vices?
A: Yes, drakkhani rarely smoke because of flight, but some drink booze, sex up everything, gamble, steal....

25: Q: Do drakkhani have any genetic disorders or disabilities.
A: Yes, "Loose-Web Syndrome" is when the webbing in the wings are weak and tear easily. Females might have "Placental Birth Disorder" in which they give birth live instead of laying eggs. They might be deaf or blind. Autistic drakkhani are kinda unheard of, since their autism wouldn't be like a human's. I like to think that all drakkhani are perpetually Aspie. XD

26: Q: What are the birthing customs?
A: drakkhani believe in "double births" the lay of the egg is the first birth and the second is the hatchling emerging from the sack, this is met with singing and blessing of the newborn. The shaman would read a poem blessing the child for it's new life within the clan. Siblings would squeak and chirp and touch the newborn. Clan members would take turn holding him/her.

27: Q: Homosexuality is considered stigmatic in drakkhani culture.
A: No. Most drakkhani are pansexual, sex is sex, it can be for breeding or having fun. What is look down upon is egg-stealing.

28: Q: Can drakkhani be racist/Specicist?
A: Yes. Anthrophobia is common for old drakks. Hatred towards elves is also considered to be a drakkhani thing

29: Q: Are drakkhani big in adoption?
A: Yes, drakkhani are communal, while hatchlings in the clan bond with their parents; everyone raises the hatchlings as well, so hatchlings regard clan members as “aunties and uncles” and see them as extended parents. Some same-sex pairs adopt eggs that have been orphaned or abandoned. Will they raise a human child? Yes. If it was abandoned or orphaned around their aerie.

30: Q: Are drakkhani literate?
A: Yes and No. Most can read Drakk in easily learning English or any human language takes longer

31: Q: How do drakkhani show affection or love or arousal?
A: nursing hatchlings wag their tails while feeding, babies will purr while being held. These infantile behaviors are still exhibited by adults while they are with their pair or lover. drakkhani won't kiss unless they are influence by humans, to show the same sort of intimacy, pairs will:
-Nuzzle noses,
-Rub their horns together
-Rub their tails together
-Cover each other in their wings
-Nuzzle necks
-Kneed or massage backs, (where the wings connect)

Arousal can be pretty damn obvious sometimes, Males will have their phallus exposed, but in the same time that can also be a sign of dominance or aggression not always "ooh I'm horny" They might lick the air, growl low or wiggle their ears. Funny enough humans often think that when males expose, it's because their aroused, and many often get hurt by interfering with male displaying dominance.

Little boys often have their phallus exposed too as hatchlings, they might hump the air as well, much to their parents annoyance (and this is often discouraged). They stop this at age 3, but it start alllll over again at age 13, males want to rub up against everything on the account of the surge of testosterone and several other hormones that humans lack, and females start going through their bi annual heats. It's a lovely time to grow up 8D

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Theory of Mind...not just for autists

Once again, people bring up faulty information

And once again I have to tell someone to STFU.

No one has theory of mind, no one. It's a socio-political tool to demonetize the neuroatypical, it's poor researched and executed. People need to stop mentioning shit that they know nothing about!

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Appropriatness and Happiness:

If Tikaani isn't lining up his action figures or playing with his legos, he's watching TV. Not that I mind. I can do my laundry and wash dishes without him shouting "AUNTIE!" But as of late he has been watching "Ni Hao Kai Lan". I keep asking him if he wants to watch Bey Blade or if he wants to get out his Pokemon DVDs or if he wants me to change the channel to Nat Geo. Instead, I get a whine followed by hair pulling, Tikaani-ese for "No no no no, don't do that." So I let him watch it without interruption. As much as it personally embarrassing for me to have my 16 year old to watch something meant for four year olds. I have to simply let it go. If it isn't harmful to others or himself or destructive, I can't really stop him.

Besides, the trade off is that he is learning Mandarin Chinese...that's not really a bad benefit.

((modern setting for essay purposes))

Kim wrote this weeks ago, and I decided to write a response about it. Something that really needs to be touched on as an autist.

I don't see why it is painful for a parent to see their child happy. If your seven year old is still watching Telly Tubbies and bouncing around I don't see how that is heartbreaking or tragic. I don't get why we have to have play with age appropriate games and watch age appropriate TV programs in order to be happy. I don't see why a girl can't play Tonka trucks or a boy with her sister's Barbies. Why is appropriateness and happiness have to interlock?

I guess it bothers me a bit because of the pressure to be just like our typically developing peers. That we putting pressure on kids to interact and share like interests with our peers and not just be happy with what fascinates us. I saw nothing wrong as a fifteen year old to religiously watch "Sagwa: The Chinese Siamese Cat" on PBS. I was happy and my sister and I watched it together (without fighting OhEmGee!) and it was generally a happy time after so much stress from school and Katie and I loved to watch it. Just as we both loved watching Sailor Moon (MOON PRISM POWAAAAAH!) and later Outlaw Star. Should I have been watching shows appropriate to my age and mental level? Yeah, but yet. Those shows were geared towards social protocols and cues that I was rather obvious of. I wasn't interested in who was dating who or what secret Character A was carrying. I didn't get into that until I was at least twenty. I was more interested with the story being told than all the social details. So watched cartoons like "Sagwa" and "Big Guy and Rusty" and "Astro Boy". I was into the story.

The point however is that later I did watch shows like "CSI", "Bones" and "House" which are more for my age level than cartoons. Sure it took me a while, but never the less it came. So I still obsess over cartoons than I do over TV dramas. Yet in end does it actually matter? Why is heartbreaking to see me laughing my head off or grinning like a fool? Why do you have to feel embarrassed when I am rubbing my face on plush animal or lining something up?

Why the very real joy, is the same as the very real pain? Can you answer that?

Sunday, July 18, 2010

All Myths Are Truth

Or the existence of autistic adults and why deniers are plugging their ears.

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Being an Autistic adult feels like being a fantastic creature. We don't exist to some people and once we show up they all rationalize and swallow themselves up in denial. I wonder if they would believe me if show them my spiral horn and feathery wings? Don't answer that, that was rhetorical.

Anne Dachel once again shows up in LBRB with the same short of bullshit that you hear every other white privileged denialist spew out from their botoxed lips. "WHERE ARE THE AUTISTIC ADULTS?!" As many said previously and I aim to do some repetition.

They are not hard to find. Just look in the institutions where many a severe autist is shoved into lysol scented halls like a bad sweater that your Aunt Jo gave you last Christmas. Just look in the prisons for the autists, or the schools. Trust me Dachel they are not invisible.

But low and behold to you they are invisible unicorns or faeries or some other "changeling" metaphor. Thusly many of us are drowning in a massive flood of financial chaos with no end in sight. While your autistic spawn is still sucking your breast, carefully wrapped in layers of Early Intervention, IEP and Feeding Programs to ensure your brood doesn't join the seething mass of the lot that wasn't fortunate. Well sucks to be you, because despite your hard sorted efforts to normalize your kid. Once he turns eighteen the gonna be fucked like the rest of us. Especially while he struggles to keep all his autistic behaviors under the bed and out of sight like cheap vibrator gotten from the Porno Store on the I-70. He's going to loose girlfriends(Or Boyfriends), he's going to get fucked over in jobs. He going to struggle. Hard. And while you rationalize that he's only "Mildly" autistic and push him to try harder while he keeps asking for some sort of help or support. He's going to try find a way to get help or a way out. Hopefully the latter isn't a 9mm.

Lets just face it. Your brat is gonna be one of us. One the many that is giving you the finger and telling your shut your airholes. He will either join us, go against us or lie in apathy and malcontent. One of the three. You're kid is probably 2...3...or even 4. But it's time to start thinking about what kind of safety net you will give him. It's time to get him that net, just in case.

You have no idea if he will be self-significant enough, and it's always to good to be practical.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Body Language

I am hungry.

The notion that I am hungry is interesting feeling. Reading what my body needs or wants is sometimes like trying to listen to someone speaking quietly.

I'm hungry..


I'm hungry!

I can't hear you!!

Thusly most of the time I end up ignoring my body's cues for food and often sleep. This isn't because I am some sort of lazy idiot. But rather because it took me years to understand what my body is saying. So I trained myself to eat at certain points of the day. I skip breakfast a lot because ideaism of "appropriate food choices" and left over pizza isn't a breakfast food. So I eat two meals a day. Once in the afternoon around 1pm (or rather 2:3opm) and again around 8pm. I lack a stable appetite. I often had days when I don't eat because I am not hungry. Interestingly enough, I try find appropriate food choices but end up eating whatever is around and much of it is unhealthy. 

But, understanding that I am hungry or the need to unirinate...seems to be a learning skill for me. I can read my bladder my fine, but my stomach talks too soft and sometimes I am just too tired to go up and get food. It's a weird feeling of learning to know when you are hungry. 

It really is. 

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Storytelling with Non-human characters(part 1)

Or the Mythos of Other,

I know I know I update this month with a "money jar" post and not a real one. I know I know I suck. So I ma gonna make it up to you with a real post not a shitty one.

Now I've discussed previously on writing autistic and how to do it right, as well as the tropes involved in writing autistic characters. However I decided to write about another similar topic. How to write fantastic non-human characters. From mythology or imagination, and how they both play the role of Other.

Like writing autistic characters, there are rules involved with writing characters based from myth. Each creature has it's own set of rules on how that creature appears in the myth and how it acts. The trick is playing with those rules and not breaking them so the creature is unrecognizable from the myth (I am looking at you Myers). A good example of this is my character Pavlos. He is a RP character in a Disney's Gargoyles RPG (Text base), He's a Satyr and follows some basic rules. Satyrs in myth, are lushes, woman chasers and cowards. Pavlos follows this. I've added a few things however. The fact he has affinity to magic is one as well as he also has defense mechanism called a "panic scream" which causes uncontrollable fear. The latter bit was inspired by the god Pan. I thought it would be nifty to add that in there. As you can see he still has a lot "satyr-y" features (works at a wine store, drinks excessively has a different chick every night) but still I did play around with the concept and made him my own.

This is not easy. People don't always do the research and are lazy so they think it's ok for them to make a satyr that is chaste, virtuous and sober. They can do that, but don't call it a satyr. That's like making a blind person that can see with using earth-oh wait....Ok ok that was bit mean. Honestly it takes more skill and imagination to follow the rules of a creature and still make it your own, than to completely disregard the rules period.

Now for some that are geeky enough, I know you will say "But I have my own race" ok then, the idea that you should follow the rules, still applies. If my make your own race you would also have a set of rules to follow. Breaking your own rules, will make you a sloppy writer (I am still looking at you Myers). You can have exceptions, but too many will start to expose your careless writing. A good example of self-made rules are my drakkhani, which are humanoid dragon people. They have basic rules such as:
  • They breathe fire
    Have flight
    Live in tight-knit families called a dia or clan.
    they speak English with gritty accent
    They leg eggs.

Now you can make exceptions to those rules, but the trick is picking the right one and having a good explanation to why. For instance, I have genetic disorder that my drakkhani can experience called "Placental Birth Disorder". This causes the fetus to gestate completely inside the mother instead of the mother laying the egg. Birth is done by C-section and the fetus often has other complications. A good writer again knows which rules to mess with and which to keep consistent.

Writing disabled characters is like this. A friend of mind actually has an autistic non-human character, now that I think about it. The symptoms manifest differently but never the less the character is still autistic (this was made apparent in a game with one of my characters and hers had a meltdown). Writing disabled characters especially those with "rules" (symptoms), is lot like writing fantastic characters. They trick is keeping them consistent while still making them unique and captivating. It's hard work and a balancing act not everyone gets it right on the first try (Picoult I am looking at you now). Knowing which symptoms to bend and not bend is hard and trial and error experience. It takes practice and a time before you learn to get it right.

(Tikaani is still a work in progress)

Part 2 will be on biology and the like

Zazzle issues

I was hoping to open up a Zazzle store and post some tee-shirt designs to get a little back money for extra things. However the image uploader for Zazzle and Cafe-Press isn't working for some reason. I don't know why "Image failed to up upload" message keeps popping up.

Here are few that I made last night

If anyone has a Zazzle store and wants to use these feel free to message me about it. We can work something out.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The Source of Shame

If you haven't noticed I haven't been ranting much as of late. Not that there isn't much to rant to as so much as, I have just been rather overloaded and lazy. Anthrocon was this pass weekend. Once I year I trek up to Pittsburgh, wear a fluffy tail and run around with the other crazy fursuit wearing deviants.

While I can go on and talk about many things, including how I went on a epic drunken rant about autistic identity and how I ran around with a bra on my head on Sunday night. I can talk about how fursuit wearing is a reflection of cultural mask wearing and how that will make a good parallel to the ideaism of passing for typical. However I am not going to talk about that today I will however talk about something else.

The construct of what is to be normal is something of abnormal thing itself. I talked about how humans are paradoxical with their craving for conformity while thusly calling out for more diversity. I've also talked privilege in the neruological context. I've ranted and raved and gone off about a lot of things. Parents, normal people, autistic people, ASAN, AutSpks. Everyone gets a bit of “fang” so to speak. Yet as I step back and look through my essays and diatribe I can't help and wonder what is all doing? What is this all four. Just for me to vent? To show people a less flowery overly saccharine view of being autistic? If not, then what?

I think...I think pride is probably an interesting topic I should share. Iroh said an interesting quote on the show Avatar the Last Airbender. ”Pride is not the the absence of shame, but it's source” I look at pride as a very dualistic concept. It's either empowering or damning and it's often both. There is a reason why Pride is a deadly sin in the Christian mythos. It's very blinding and arrogance often kills you first before any sword or bullet would. Yet when we talk about autistic pride or gay pride, I have to wonder? When will it engender shame? What is the line between subtle arrogance and confidence?

Elitism is not a stranger to the autist rights community or the disability rights group, transphobia is frequent around the Queer community. I am not blind to the autphobia of the AutComm. It's pretty transparent. The schism of low/high is something of a dead-horse topic, but it's relevant to the concept of identity pride. When you are proud that you are autistic, do you wonder how it actually benefits you?

Bard out.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Theorm of Compassion and the justification of humanity

The old trope that autistic people are so withdrawn that they cannot connect to the world, thusly they are inherently selfish and disconnected from people. They cannot empathize with people. Therefore, in human context.

We're not human.

Empathy is a socio-political tool. It's used to gain perspectives and viewpoints. Accusing someone for not having empathy is also a tool. It's used to continue the schism of Us/Them, and as well as putting oneself on a pedestal of pity and feed a victim complex. 

"How can you be so obtuse? Can you understand where I am coming from? The suffering and the pain I am in?" 

How many times have we heard this? How many times have we been accused by our peers and by our friends that we lack empathy and emotion during times of emotional distress and pain? As we sit quietly by our eyes trying to access the information that we have been given. 

Juxtaposed is our NT friends looking ashamed at us we struggle in a sea of sensory information. Screaming in pain and or doing anything to combat the input that we cannot process. They advert their eyes or accuse us of embarrassing them. We however don't point fingers and shout that they lack empathy. Instead. We apologize for being autistic. 

Changeling culture has giving us a schism of typical and atypical, in which all those that are neurologically atypical are always at fault. It is normal for typical to look upon the atypical with disdain and to lack the empathy necessary to understand the footsteps and journey we take as disabled people. So we grew apologetic for our nature as disabled. Being overly-apologetic is normal for an autistic person. What parent has heard their son or daughter on the spectrum constantly apologize for everything. We don't apologize for an action but for being who we are. Changeling culture has viewed us as mistakes, problems, unwanted. So we apologize for being mistakes in our families. 

While we nurse a rather large victim complex, autists need to step back and stop saying sorry for being human. It's time to look at what is empathy and what is compassion, NTs and autists alike have seem to mix those definitions up. As I stated in another essay about ToM, every human lacks empathy. A hetronormative male will not understand the feeling of being gay to their homosexual peer. A very rich American can't understand what it's like to really go hungry or what it's like to be surrounded by rubble like their Haitian counterparts. Typicals like to pretend that they do, until someone calls them on their privilege. In all no human being can be 'mindreaders' if we can be, why do we still have sexism, classism and racism then? 

However an autist and a typical both have compassion. Yet they show it in different ways. A little girl has lost their dog. A typical person would hug and use physical affection and soothing words to comfort the child. An autist would find a photo of the dog and make flyers to post all over the neighborhood. An autist is practical whilst a NT is more emotive. However it wasn't prayers and pleading wishes to deities that helped the people of Haiti or the ravaged New Orleansians it was hard work and real practical compassion. 

An autist may lack the understanding of someone looking for their beloved dog, might even suggest that the odds of finding the dog is slim and it's better for them to look for another dog at a shelter. Would even accuse the poor man of being irresponsible and not properly put a collar on the dog or microchip it. Still...

It will not stop him from him from getting the flyers. 

Sunday, June 6, 2010


This is a bit of a response fic to the "Unheard Voice" poem and maybe a response to all the authors that try to write about an Autistic character but do not have autism 

Empathy Test. 

It was just an experiment. That Tikaani agreed to. Aang was simply curious on why Tikaani does the things he does, and one night alone together he found his opportunity. In deep quiet of Aang's room and with a bowl of water. Tikaani knelt with back facing Aang, his eyes looking to the ground. Aang paused for a moment before realize that was incredible intimate of Tikaani to allow him a glimpse inside his consciousness. Toph would be infuriated, stating that it was invasive. Katara on the other hand would be curious as well. Aang took a deep breath and prepared to open his third-eye chakra, he counted down as Tikaani took a deep breath and lifted the glowing stream of water to his temples.


His third was open as he found himself in massive white room, empty and bare. Aang stood in the middle of it, his gray eyes darting around then. Suddenly. He was hit with a flood of words. Aang was surround by massive deluge of words, they were moving so fast for him to understand the cycle around half unintelligible the other half barely had any meaning to him. Gostopnononoyesmoredon'tdothispleaseohmygodsjdfdlfjrudrunrunrundon'tstopeatthisdothisstopstop!

Aang was drowning with the flood constant language that he was trying to process but was having a hard time grasping it. A moment of epiphany happened as Aang was choking on the massive river. Is this what Tikaani feels when people talk to him? Is this what spoken language is like for him? Aang took another deep breath as the massive stream of words abated, only it was replaced with something far more disturbing.

Flashes of brilliant color surrounded Aang, faces he couldn't recognize, places, things and people danced around. Aang was struggling to figure out who they were and where he was, he trying to put the pieces together, only to feel that he got random pieces from a twenty different jig-saw puzzles and he was trying to make them into complete picture. Aang barely had a moment to breathe, when a thousand sounds bombarded him at once, talking, dogs barking, breaking glass, the trolleys, bells, cawing of birds, footsteps, the buzzing of bees, arguing, smashing of rocks, twisting of metal, chalk on slate, laughter. Aang got on his knees as a wave various odors joined in the caphony of sense. Burnt toast, rain, fresh apples, rotten meat, fish, ocean, molten glass, wet clothes, bad breath, ginger, mold, burning wood. Aang shut his eyes but everything kept coming at him at once, he didn't have a second to think to reason anything. Then he lost it when the flood of words came back. Howdoesthisworknoyoucan'thavethatpleasecanyougethisnononobadstopthisyoureafreakyouramonsteranimanimalretardfreaksitdownstopthatdon'tdothiscan'tyouundestandstopstopbouncingfreak!

Aang started to scream.

Katara rushed into the bed room as soon as she heard Aang's scream from down hall in the Fire Nation palace. She ran down to see what happen. She found Aang curled with his hands over his ears and Tikaani still quietly kneeling, his eyes were glazed over and unfocused. She started to piece together what in the gods name had happened. They she remember that Aang said he was going to try something with Tikaani's help. Katara suddenly remembered the last time she tried something with Tikaani using waterbending.

That damn idiot.

Aang took a deep breath as he calmed down, Katara was tapping her foot as Aang finally realize that he was back in the room again, silent and calm. However it was not going to be calm anymore. He looked up at Katara sheepishly as Tikaani came out of his trance looked around.

“What the hell were you doing Aang?!” She said in harsh whisper. Aang bit his lip feeling like a kid getting caught red handed. He sighed and watched as Tikaani crawled into bed like nothing ever happened.

“I was trying to understand him...get a feel for what the world is like for him.” Katara looked a little interested but it was covered over a layer of disgust.

“Well...did you finally have your understanding?” She said with tone that suggested annoyance but at the same time concern. Aang stared at Tikaani dumbly before feeling a wave of dejection hit him.

“No. Not at all, I...I can't possibly begin to understand anything that he feeling or comprehending. It's all so...foreign to me.”

Friday, June 4, 2010


Link to this month's episode 

I am so sorry for not posting as of late. I had virus issue with my computer and I have made a new episode of PrismVox for everyone to enjoy. I deleted the Maka entry because I have lost interest in writing :/ 

Anyway I haven't lost interest in blogging. I read Sarah's entry this afternoon about Autspks being, the same old ableist nonsense. However I did catch sight at the mention of a fifteen year old girl writing about her non-verbal brother in a very off-putting verse. I had to read it just so I get a good idea what she is talking about...lo and behold it's the same sort of crap I've always have seen

The Voice Unheard

I scream
I cry
I bang
You still don’t understand
The words won’t form for me to speak
But alas I have much to say
If only there was a way
A way for you to hear me
From behind the prison bars

The children on the streets stare
Like illuminating eyes in the night
I appear not to care
As they ponder over the sight
Of me walking on my toes
And screaming without no cause
To them I’m an alien
If only they could understand

There’s more than meets the eye with me
I’m not just some freak
If they could only see
I can’t help what I am or how I act
There’s much more under the surface
A truth waiting to be found
I’m not going to die
But that doesn’t make things alright

My mind, my body
Don’t work like they should
I’m trapped
A prisoner
No one’s knows how it happens
Why I can’t talk to you
It’s something in my brain
That went askew

There are others like me that can talk
But their case is different than mine
See we are all very different
Even with the same infected mind

In my case, I’m severe
I can’t talk
Only scream and yell
I bang walls and slam doors
And windows in cars
My senses aren’t like yours
My sense of feeling is off
I bang my head down on a table
Just to be sure it’s still there

Autism isn’t like cancer
There’s no cure
Or solution found
Only drugs and medication
To try and calm us down
But I am lucky to have a family
That loves me so much
They make sure I’m taken care of
And do everything they must

So next time you see me on the street
Or others of the same fate
Think of all we go through
Just to get through each day
Autism has a voice
If you take time to listen
You will hear

Where do I even begin? I know the lot of you will throw up the "She's only 15" excuse, I don't buy it. 15 is not an excuse to take step back and be aware of the language and the context she is using. 

Lets start with the first fact is that she is puppeting. She sticking her words into her brother's mouth. She uses language that ends up objectifying her brother and end up making her look good. "But I am lucky to have a family
That loves me so much" This seems like a typical trope you find in most "poems" written by parents and siblings. They turn the head-banging and the screaming as some sort of symbol of suffering. It never occurs to them to actually talk to an autist on why does their brother scream and cry. It never occurs to them to you know...ask. 

This kind of ego masturbation and martyrism is common among the AutSpks community. It seems all that parents do is go on how either their son/daughter is suffering and how they are suffering too...so you must feel sorry for us. It irritating but that does shit. How is pity grabbing going to stop your kid from doing SIBs? I mean c'mon. Take a step back for a moment. 

Now I know some people think that I am puppeting my thoughts into "Hanai", you might even remark that Hanai is even my soap box. First off. Hanai is fictional, their for I am not really puppeting in the same context if she was a real person. Second though, Hanai is based off of real moms. Not just some idealized version of what a parent of an autist should be but what I have read and heard from other moms. They help color Hanai. 

Siblings need to seriously take a step back and try not to assume what they feel about their siblings is mutual. You go on about we having a voice, but why are you not bothering to really hear it? 

Sunday, May 9, 2010

The pomp and ceramony of words.

So for me, a day set aside to honor the "mother" is just pointless to me. Everyday is mother's day for me. Everyday I am honored. My children are healthy and strong. I even have grandchildren. I am happy. I am lucky to have such healthy children...yes even Tikaani.

All of my children  are unique in some fashions. My eldest loved animals, I remember when he was a toddler he would carry around a turtle-seal made of drift wood with him where ever he went. Qaniit my only daughter was diligent and hard working. She loved to sow and weave with me, she became a seamstress. Rahmet was my only waterbender. He became a shaman and was the most spiritual of my children. And every day I heard from them "I love you mama, we love you mama."  It warmed my heart to hear those words. I was lucky so lucky. 

Yet. Tikaani never really said those words to me. Unless he was prompted. "Tikaani, tell Auntie that you love her." "I love you Auntie" He would say it in monotone looking at his toys. To some mothers, it was heart breaking. My child never told me that he loves me. Yet even though I was originally upset when Tikaani never spoke those words I didn't let it get to me. However...I did wonder if Tikaani understood what love even was, and if he really comprehend the idea of unconditional love. I want to hear those words, I  wanted to be acknowledged.

It was at that point I realized that being rather egotistical. Tikaani didn't need to actually say those words to show me that he loved me. I discovered in many ways that Tikaani loved me. Not with words but with gestures and actions. And like a typical "Normal" I was too focus on the unnecessary pomp of words than the 'realness' of actions. 

Tikaani would leave me his favorite toys when he was a little boy, around 5 or 6. He would leave them in by  the pantry. He would put them on my bed. I thought he was just being neglectful, but he would smile when I found them and make his happy noise "eeeeee!" When he got older he gave the toys to me directly. Suddenly I realized what he was doing. He was sharing his toys with me. He never does this with any of his cousins...but he would with me. 

He would not only share his toys, but his food. He would put his sushi or rice on my plate. I scolded him at first, but when I saw him put his last piece of sashimi on my plate (and let me tell you, this kid has to be part seal, he loves fresh sashimi like no body's business) and got up. I wonder if he was sharing his food or that he wasn't hungry anymore. I saw more of the former because he would share with his cousins and  they praised him when he does. 

When I taught Tikaani basic hand signs to get him to communicate, he would make the gesture 'yes' and 'Auntie' a lot. I spent the day wondering what "Yes Auntie" meant. What was he affirming? He would then used "Good Auntie" later. He would come up to me and sign "Good Auntie, yes". I was bit baffled. Then he combined the signs with a hug. Finally I got when he was trying to say.

"I love you Auntie" 

I started realize that words meant nothing too him. He didn't need to actually say those words(I love you). They don't have much weight to him. Tikaani knew what love was, he just preferred to show it. Some days he would grab my face and make me look him in the eye. He will hold it for a moment before letting me go and then run off to play. I didn't understand it. I understood he was doing what I did when I needed to get him to look at me. He would do it too. I thought it was mimicry, but for him it was just to get my attention so he could sign "Good Auntie Yes". After these few instances when he would either hug me or grab my face to look me in the eye. I started to sign back. "Good Boy Yes". I thought about actually teaching him how to sign for "I love you" 

"I love you Auntie..."

"I love you too baby."

So for the next year and half Maka and I began to add to his sign vocabulary. He knew "Yes, Please, Auntie, Maka, Amana, Stop, No, Done, Hungry, Thirsty, Play, More, Happy, Sick, Mad, Sad, Toilet and Go Home." Yet after a month of teaching him "I love you" he just prefer to sign "Good Auntie Yes". I responded with "I love you" Thinking that he would catch on finally and use that,  but he didn't. Now Maka theorize that we're undoing what we've taught him. We taught him  that "Good Auntie Yes" means "I love you" it was also easier for him to wave his index and middle fingers together(good) touch his chest (Auntie) and wave his palm (yes). Than it was to do the sign for I love you (thumb and pinkie out while tapping his chest). Still despite how he was use to doing it the other way, I was teaching him to use I love you. When he was 7 and still non verbal. He started to use the sign "I love you" after grabbing my face or hugging me. I was elated that he caught on. However he would only sign that after he hugged me. Whilst he used "Good Auntie Yes" in intervals through the day and not just after he got my attention. 

I just taught him to use that sign after a hug or face-grab. Not how to say "I love you". I was getting egotistical again. I wanted him to tell me he loved me in my way. Not in his fashion.

When he started to actually use speech at age 9. I was again elated. Real progress, now he can communicate without just using hand language. I made sure to teach him a million words and help him say them. He wasn't fully verbal (and I don't think he would ever be) but he would say "Hungry, time to eat" when ever he wanted some food. Or "Water, water cup" if he was thirsty. He would string together weird sentences ("Fish apple apple jam, Fish apple jam") or just do what he use to do and repeat people. Maka: "Hanai, do you know where my ax is?" Tikaani: "Hanai do you know where my ax is." As he turned eleven, his speech got better and was still using words and signs to get his point cross. He stopped signing "Good Auntie Yes" when he hugged me. He just say "Auntie ok!" and hug me before taking off. I was still signing I love and saying it to him. He started to repeat mean and say "I love you" back when he hugged me. I was so happy. Finally we're getting somewhere. 

Yet, he prefer using actions than words. Sure now at age 16 he can say I love you with some prompting and sometimes without, but like sign before. It had no weight to him. We're so dependent on spoken words that we miss the weight behind them. Tikaani just didn't want to hear "I love you baby" or "I love you Tikaani" He wanted to feel it. I stopped caring whether I heard the words or not. They way he would grab my face to look at me. Or the way he would give me the biggest smile and laugh when I wrestle with him.  One day I told him I loved him, he gave me a response that wasn't silence or "eeee". 

"I know." And then he would laugh and run off.

He always knew I loved him. I always knew that he loved me. I didn't need pomp or ritual of a sentence he didn't quiet understand. For Tikaani, Actions trump words 100%. 

Happy mother's day to all the moms out in the Aut-Blogosphere. 

Monday, May 3, 2010

A bit frustrated.

I still want to continue to review With the Light, but the problem right now is I don't have the money to get the mangas off Amazon. So I need the help of media ninjas to help me find an Online Manga collection and or torrent of the Manga. Or someone could buy it for me and I could pay them back once I get money. IDK 

I personally would prefer finding it off a manga collection online. 

Art Spam and thoughts on Bullying

Drakkani: Male, Age: 20, Clan(Dia): Stormwake. 

Notes taken by Dr. Jakob Tate.

Drakkhani legs are perfectly designed to grip and hold onto rock ledges. They are also strong enough or mortally wound humans.
Dr Jakob Tate (Xenoanthropologist) 

Satyr doodles

I read Amanda's post response to a fellow autistic blogger's post about disappearing off the hub because of cyberbullying. Now I'll straight up say that I believe bullying is nothing to laugh at and neither is trolling. Yet as someone who has skin thick enough to rival an elephant I can't help but lift my eyebrow in scrutiny.

Bullying is serious, but from what I have seen on the Internet. Bullying is also someone what subjective. There is a joke among some LJ communities stating. "Trolling to some people, is just someone disagreeing with you." Which is really true in many communities. If someone passionately disagrees with you (as we've seen with the cure/no cure binary) one is labeled as a troll and thusly his opinion is dismissed. This honestly makes me really really skeptical when people crying 'TROLL' because after being around /b/ (Internet Hell) for sometime (read forever). I tend to have very picky POV on what constitutes as trolling. Unless someone spammed your blog with dead baby pics and goatsee and lemon-party images. Then it's probably not as bad as you dramatized. I have had /b/ troll me. I completely friend locked my LJ and later my Gmail was spammed bombed. Did I write a huge post stating all this?

Fuck no. I don't see a reason in giving the dickheads any satisfaction that they got to me. I left DeviantART(I've been there fore six years btw) because of trolling. I didn't write a huge flouncy post bawwwing about the trolls, I just left. Problem is from what I see, some people like the attention. They like being the victim. Now I am not saying that SBWG and Kowalski are attention-whores. I am sure that their situation is really different. I am just reporting what I have seen in the last 9 years I've been cyberdiving surfing on the Interwebs. People love being the victim. Moms with autsitic children are the perfect example. Aspergers do the same thing. I have seem people wave their arms about online proclaiming. "LOOK AT ME! I AM BEING HARASSED!!!" You might as well just put a target on your ass.

Trolling is serious but, jumping up and down claiming that some wanker is bugging you is just as bad IMO. I don't acknowledge serious trolls. I don't masturbate to the attention of being a victim. That is why I am self-advocate. I am sick of being the victim.