Burnt out

I've had it.

I stretched myself too thin and now I just don't care anymore. I lost any form of interest and sympathy aut-rights over the couple of weeks and it's not a surprise. The protest was exhausting and I shutdown several times over the period of a few minutes. I was stick of parents, professionals and NT in general. I am even sick of other autists besides my boyfriend and best friend Mel. I am just so tired and done with everything.

No I am not quitting the blog.

I just don't see a reason to post right now. I might take a hiatus or post Tikaani art and short stories while I recoup. But I am just done with activism. I have bills to pay a real job to do and a life to live. I am not getting paid to be verbally abused and chided by a bunch of ignorant privileged white yuppies. I might get sucked back in because I can't leave things alone, but I hope I can have a moment of peace.

Most importantly. I am sick of not being allowed to be angry. I am sick of parents telling me to be "nice". Fuck them. You go be oppressed and then we will talk. I have a right be angry, to be furious, but full rage and hate. I don't have a outlet for it anymore.

And I am starting to take it out on my peers. That's gotta go. So I am gone until my anger and rage finds a proper channel.

Review: Autism: The Musical

Mel gave me a new movie to review for my blog. As a person that loves a good movie I jumped on it. Now she warned me that it's a mix-mood film. Some parts will make you “frown face” others she said I would love. So I am prepared. Hopefully it would be inspiring and wonderful film.

Plot: The movie is centered around five children Lexi, Neal, Henry, Wyatt, and Adam. It's documentary on a drama and movement group for special needs kids and around Elaine who runs it.

Pros:
-Neal's mom kinda made me smile, she loved and accepted her little boy (who is non verbal) and tried another approach to helping her son communicate. The treatment she was using looked like the Son Rise style of social education which from my experience is less invasive than ABA she also used more creative methods which I liked.
-I am gonna to adopt Henry <3 He's friggin adorable. He's also an aspie autist. We can both geek out over dinosaurs and prehistoric creatures.
-Also Adam is also presh <3 (Flirt too, Go boy, git it git it!)
-I really feel for Wyatt, he does have the “aspie honesty” trait and tells it like it is. I was a lot like him, I withdrew a lot, but the line of “I don't even know why I go into my own world it doesn't even make sense.” Hit home for me. He's so lonely like I was so desperate for a friend. He likes Henry and gets frustrated with him. But you can see that he wants so bad to have someone to talk to...someone who can protect him from bullies
-Lexi reminds me of Tikaani a lot. She's semi-verbal but still very bright. Also a good singer. Those two can totally do a duet (if Tikaani can just stand still for a moment before he bolts off at something XD)
-Roslynn verbally smacking the second in command for the Miracle Project made me grin. She was so peeved to find her son's cello piece cut from the script. Her line “The cello is his voice” totally made me woot. I am artist, drawing is my voice if someone told me after months of working hard on a drawing that I couldn't put it up in gallery. I'll be pissy too. Go Ros go!
-The FC scene was also powerful. I wonder if Elaine would like to meet DJ Sevarese
-The play itself was bright and Adam got to play his cello!






Cons
-I just straight up disliked Lexi's mom on the first five minutes of the movie. Her dad Joe, I heart him. He's loving father.
-Vetrice is just...I hated when she said “Wow, if he wasn't autistic imagine the possiblities.” I mean c'mon woman. Kid is a doll, and verbal and smart and friggin savant he's gonna be a heart breaker when grows up.
Wyatt's line broke my heart “Mom! When bullies grow up they get meaner” I was at the point of tears, because it's true. They get meaner and they get away with it too. Like the AutSpks drones.
The over exaggeration of eye contacted bugged me for some reason
The birthday party pissed me off. I have no idea why Elaine thought it was a good idea to have a birthday party for her classically autistic son. And when Neal hurt that kid by throwing him it was away of saying “I am done” yeah it was a bad move but it was obvious that he was trying to communicate something. Jesus woman....
The parent room scene was interesting but at the same time I was rather pissed off at Hillary. Your kid is eight grade and learning to wash dishes because she needs to learn to take care of them at her how house when she lives independently. I didn't learn to properly wash dishes until I was around fifteen. Don't jump on teachers for teaching your kid life skills. That should be your job bitch, but you're too busy mourning the loss of the man you shoved away. Also I think you are projecting a lot. You can't even value Lexi.

Overall the kids themselves were pretty damn cute. Parents were ok, and yet...I was more resonating with the kids than the parents. Then again...I am an autist myself.

Tikaani says:
“This movie was interesting and adaptive and I felt that I could be in the play too, I hope someone ends up valuing me too.

I give it three and half flappy-hands. Decent watch if you can ignore the self-pity that some of the parents have.

The Deluge

At the AutSpks protest I thought I would be strong enough to stand against the feelings of fear and hurt. Instead during wave of insults being flooded I crumbled during the deluge. There were many many moments I had to find shade and cover myself with coats to destress and cool down.

By the end of the protest I was so emotionally drained I just wanted to go home. I hard to stand strong and courageous when others think you are not good enough to.

They have no idea that I was struggling to remain verbal and clear that I was losing cognative response that I was falling apart in the most terrible way possible. They call me named and shouted at me and I could just stand their holding up signs and standing tall

While deep down I was really drowning.

This protest made me for the first time wonder why I am doing this, if what I am doing is even right. And if I am going to be swept away by the deluge of hate, ignorance and justification of genocide. Sometimes I really hate being autistic, sometimes I wish I wasn't

yet despite the feelings of fear and wishful thinking.

I never want to see my students go through what I went through and to stand against the flood.

Theory of Mind...not just for autists

Once again, people bring up faulty information

And once again I have to tell someone to STFU.

No one has theory of mind, no one. It's a socio-political tool to demonetize the neuroatypical, it's poor researched and executed. People need to stop mentioning shit that they know nothing about!

More With the Light and Head of the Curve

Three and Four of With the Light came in today it was nice to finally get a chance to read it. My thoughts are all jumbled again so lets see how I can organize them.

The third and forth book fixed a lot of issues from the first two. It's nice to see Hikaru developing in the other books, I'll get five soon. But from I am readying Hikaru tantrums have been less then orderly and there is more conflict. There are lot of issues that Keiko brings up in the books including siblings being short-changed and something that struck a chord.

Why the hell doesn't the frigging US have jobs designed for people with ASDs? Why the hell does Japan have law design specifically for folks with DD? I don't know if the US does but if it doesn't someone needs to get on that like flies on shit. The whole deal with autistic people in the work place and reading in book four made me sad yet passionate. We Americans need to have job places like Specialestern or have centers for people on the spectrum. It seems that we're way behind on for folks that DD. I just bugs me.

As the story progresses I know discover that Hikaru also has mental disabilies but I think that is just over dramatize that Hikaru is LD of curse what autist isn't some way. Also there is an HFA boy that show up too. This as another HFA makes me giddy. But I haven't seen an asperger autist show up yet. Over all three and four still give me hope that someone out their gets it. That we need help, not a cure. A 'cure' doesn't solve anything. I want work full time without the fear of losing my job just shortly after gaining it. It's hard when stuff just seems to be....backwards. Everything is so hard even when you're on the same level was your peers (kinda) I feel always as an unequal to my fellow staff. I just feel...unbalanced. This will never go away. Maybe...it will when I my colleagues are also on the spectrum. There will be no wall that way. I don't have to 'lie' to them and say I am normal even though I am not.

I am not normal it's not bad, but it's not helping my issue.

I wish I could write to Keiko Tobe. I want to write to her, tell her how much I aspired to tell my stories with pictures as she does. About my struggles as an autist. I wish she could see this and know someone from the US want show her that our words are important.

All talk no walk

God I am so angry.

Just a quick rant before going to bed, but even though I support neurodiversity and self-advocasy. What they hell is ASAN doing to help us autists that are actually starving or homeless or relying on the Government? As Ari gone without food, unsure about his future? I don't hate who I am. I hate the frustration. That neither side is helping autists out.

We're dying here and were too busy bickering. ASAN needs to stop dick-dodging and get to work. Pro-cure or whatever needs to get their heads out of the fucking sand and help us. Because this is what your kids will become.

I want to do more than just rant. I want to stop blogging and get money into a vocational center for autists, get us jobs and housing. Gets us health benefits. I want to be independent but I am on my own but it's like walking on broken legs.

Somedays I hate myself, somedays I celebrate.

Both groups are doing nothing but talk. They need to shut up and get to work. Both sides. Both sides need to shut the hell up. Because the next tragedy on the news could be your friend, your child. Are you going to let another autist die in a insinuation or on the streets? Go without food?

What are you doing to help us adults out ASAN? Autspks? NAS? Huh?

What are you doing to solve this problem?