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Sunday, March 27, 2011

Plain Talking...Ruined us Now

((dealing with a break up of my own. Thought this would be good therapy.))

It was going to be a long spring break. I know as soon as I picked Tikaani up from Piano Lessons he was in a bad mood. Rocking softly with Tig's frown on his face. Something happened, I didn't push it at first until I noticed that he was crying. Then I had to ask. For the almost fifteen years I've raised this boy, I've never seen him cry when he was sad. It was out of frustration as a child and as a teen he stopped crying in public. Now my wolf cub was bawling.

“Baby, what happened?” I asked as I pulled into the freeway. He continued to cry as he pulled out his communicator and started tapping on it. He pressed 'enter' and his machine-voice spoke for him. “Shantel broke up with me. Heart pain, go away, all done now Auntie” the communicator said in it's artificial voice. Oh god. Shantel Hensley. I know Tikaani has been dating her on and off. She was in a car crash as a small child and suffered brain damage. She is a sweet girl and her parents are wonderful people, but tends to over react a lot and is really high in emotion. Apparently something broke the camel's back and Shantel broke up with him. I saw it coming really. Shantel has always been bossy with Tikaani, she is accepting of his disability but always had a habit of pushing him. Tikaani has always been the stubborn type. So it was inevitable, does it mean it shouldn't hurt. Tikaani was rocking and rubbing his hands over his face. Rubbing the tears all over his mocha colored face. It was going to be a long evening too...


I saw it coming months ago. When Shantel stopped texting me before to say good night. She keeps saying she forgets but she never did previously. Now last month when she stopped texting me I knew something was up. I got my answer when my best friend JC told me that Shantel was cheating on me.

I saw her with Scoots, you know Tikaani, Eddie Collins, Scoots? She was with him.”

So. She goes with boys. I'm not jealous.

Tikaani..she was making out with him, I saw it and everything. I even asked her when Scoots left that if she was still dating you and stuff she told me it was none of my damn business.”

I...I am not jealous. I'll talk to Shantel, get whole facts down.”

JC has Aspergers, and always been the type to state things without knowing how they might affect someone. I do the same thing honesty, so I couldn't judge him. But when he told me that Shantel was cheating on me...I could tell he was being really careful not to hurt my feelings. I think that's why he's my best friend. Because he works hard not to let his “aspieness” try to effect our relationship. Not going to lie, I did have a crush on him for a while, but he's not bisexual like me, he likes girls. So I never told him.

The break up happened after Piano Lessons. She came down from Mr. Sanchez office from her own Vocal Lessons and wanted to talk to me. I felt a weird sick feeling in my belly. Like the kind you get when you're gonna throw up. I know something was going to happen. I didn't know what. I pulled my hair and started to take off my jacket. I tried to brace myself, but it wasn't good enough.

I'm sorry Tika, it's not working. This relationship is hurting both of us, I can't be your girlfriend anymore.”

All done.”

Yeah Tikaani, it's all done. Look you're a really sweet boy. But It's really hard to have relationship with someone that seems to be lost always in their world. I know you can't help it and you seem to find ways to talk with your iPhone...”

Not lost in world, well acquainted with it. All done. All done.”

Tikaani do you understand at all?”

Yes. Not girlfriend. All done.”

Yeah I understand I know what a break-up is. I also know that you are a cheating bitch. It doesn't matter anyway. It doesn't seem to matter whether she was faithful or not. When it comes down to it. Everything falls apart.


Tikaani didn't eat much as it was expected. I warned Maka and Amana that Tikaani was going to be surly this evening. I found him downstairs in the basement with his punching bag. Type O Negative was blasting in background. When girls deal with break ups, they binge on ice cream and chick flicks. When boys deal with break ups, they drink. When Tikaani grieves he blasts metal and industrial music and beats the shit out of punching bag.

Hey sweetie, do you feel like talking about what happened?” I asked thinking that now that he moved to drink down his power-aid he could talk to me. His communicator was charging near by. He signed no and shook his head, yet he picked up his device.

Shantel cheated. JC told me. He saw. He doesn't lie. Can't lie. All done with cheater. Stick with guys now.” he put down his device and started to play “Smooth Criminal” fitting for some reason. I smiled sadly and put a hand on his broad shoulder.

Hunny, guys can be cheaters too, just ask Amana.”

Guys are honest. Girls try to be nice.”

I gave him a wry smile. In Tikaani's mind. He rather have brutal honestly than careful eggshell walking. I don't blame him. I got up to leave him to work out his grief, knowing I had dishes to do. I couldn't help recall when a psychologist told me that Tikaani wouldn't fall in love, that autists don't understand romantic love. I laughed at him. I told him that just the fearful abled world not wanting to admit that people like him have feelings. Have hearts that break. It makes it easier to persecute and oppress when you dehumanize something. He just stared at me and gave an awkward cough. Anyone that says that autistics don't have hearts to break, needs to hear my nephew cry as he kicks the punching bag. Desperately wanting the heart break to go away.

Saturday, March 26, 2011


With April coming up I decided to shove another project on my plate. April Drawing. Every day on the month of April you post a drawing. It sounds like a great way to build more of my art skills and to up the stakes. I am doing it based on Autism Awareness month and I am posting them here. Some might have blurbs others might be comics and some might be doodles of everyone's favorite autist, Tikaani. But with commissions and the flyers I need to do...I am totally setting myself up for disaster. <.<

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Useless facts

Whats your characters name?: Tikaani

Does your character like their name?: He likes the sound of his name, as a child he use to parrot it.

What does your character wish their name was?: Tikaani wouldn't want to change his name, but little known fact is that his mother was going to name him Kai, his dad disagreed because it was too common.

How good is your characters vision?: Tikaani has some vision issues but sees rather wells

Whats your characters favorite color?: he is calmed by soft pale blues and grays. Texture is big deal for him.

Is your character right handed, left handed or ambidextrous?: Tikaani is a south paw.

Does your character like Salty, Sweet, Sour or Starchy foods?: Taste is hard to pick for Tikaani, but as far as those go, he likes sweet a lot and anything that has a crunch or texture to it. He craves salty too…

What's your characters favorite food?: Plain rice and candied ginger

Does you character like hot drinks or cold drinks?: Hyposenstive, Tikaani wouldn’t have a preference.

What's your characters favorite drink? Buffaloyak milk warmed lightly and when he gets older he enjoys winteroot cider

How does your character like their food cooked? (medium raw, welldone): Tikaani doesn’t like meat much except for sushi. So rare foods.

How does your character sleep?(back, side, stomach): stomach, with his face covered.

Does your character toss or turn at night?: Oh he stims a lot at night (stimming is what autistics do a lot. Such as body rocking and hand flapping) Mostly just flailing his legs (I do this too actually)

How deep a sleeper is your character?: Wakes up frequently and makes noises and then goes back to bed…

When is the best time for your character to sleep? (morning, evening? ..... till noon?): Hanai notices that if he sleeps in the afternoon he is a lot more calmer in the evening but never sleeps at night long enough

What does your character think is their best (physical) attribute?: Tikaani likes his hair and smile.

What does your character think is their best personality trait?: His curiosity

What part of another persons body do they find the most attractive?: Hair especially long hair. He shows his attraction by pulling on it and petting it. He likes the texture and probably smell.

What part of another persons personality to their find the most attractive?: Calmness and being easy going

How does your character view them self?: Unbroken and whole

What season was your character born in?: Spring time.

Is your character an animal person?: No not really since some animals scare him senseless.

What is your characters favorite animal?: Tolerates sled-dogs

If your character could have any pet they wanted what would they have?: Probably something like his plush seal.

How does your character like the space around them? (cluttered, obsessively neat) Really messy.

Has your character ever been to another continent? Cui Bono had him all over the place

What's one thing your character wants more than anything? A way to communicate. To express what he wants.

How does your character feel about bondage? >D I think restraint would be more of a turn off, however he likes water bending as foreplay <.<

How has your character changed since their creation?: He probably one of my most evolved characters.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Having an itch you can't scratch

It wasn't long before Tikaani heard the shouts of his aunt as he bolted out of the house. His communicator still on the table as Maka chased after him, the only warning that Tikaani gave aunt, was the word "Itch"

The urge to bolt out of the house is not and uncommon behavior for autists. Occasionally I want to get out and run, and I was a "Runner" too as a child (to the point I had a baby leash as kid). Sometimes you just have to get up and go. You don't want to stay still but go, and you get up and run. I pace a lot now, and my running behavior is minimized but I still have that itch.

Currently there has been talk of a proposal for a Diagnostic code for "wandering". I have a feeling this could end badly, and push disability rights back a step. Once again people continue the notion that "we don't know what's best" and we're doing this "for your benefit" without actually discussing this problem with us. It's like every other treatment or issue with ASD. The NAA and Aut$spk rather talk to the parents and those on the outside than those that actually have the issue. Everything about this proposal feels ass-backwards and it screams justification on locking up auties.
"They have Wandering Disorder that's why we have to put him in the kennel with Spot! Honest it's not abuse! Look we have papers"
I am sure their other methods to help these kids and adults with wandering issues and I don't think medicalizing it is gonna help. We again need to cross that bridge and talk to autists on less invasive and restrictive methods to curb wandering behaviors.

Personally. I think a good "damage control" method is simply introducing your autistic child to the neighborhood and have the neighborhood get to know your kid. Having an aware community can be so helpful. Neighbors that know that "Ian" is on spectrum can benefit you. Their awareness means if he gets out and runs off, a neighbor who knows him can find him and take him home. A strong community and aware one is a boon and it's sad that I don't see that anymore. Of course you gotta be aware of who you introduce your child too, but the point remains.

I just know if I was locked up for running I would find other methods to exert that need. Most of them...would be self-injurious.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Loosing myself

I don't know why

But when I paint. I loose myself. Hands fly over my face. I rock as I strew colors on my page. I totally lose myself into the painting. Sometimes I feel like crying. I might be the music I listen too, it might be feelings of joy when my soul drips into the paints and into my paintings.

I don't know why, but it feels like part of my brains just clicks off when I start to paint. It's odd, I don't talk I just stim and paint.


Friday, March 4, 2011

ASAN upcoming projects

A few things are in the making with the Columbus ASAN.

-Workshops for Self-Advocacy
Coming this May with the help of the Nisonger Center, ASAN C-bus is gonna be hosting hour and half self advocacy work shops for teenagers. We're gonna be focusing on many topics and use interactive games and dialogue to stimulate and and encourage folks to stand up and speak for them selves.

-Poetry Jam: To kick off National Poetry month and world Autism Awareness day, ASAN C-bus is having a Poetry jam on April 2. A quiet and relax atmosphere totally beats any gala or Walk. It's by an autist for an autist event where folks and even parents can come bring their poetry, short stories or even song to sing. I will be doing a monologue and some poetry we will also show case art by autistic artists.

Bard out