Kids are not all right

Sunday night I got overloaded badly during CID (LARP I play on Sundays). Wet clothing topped off with too much people sent me into meltdown/shutdown mode. Josh was there playing "aid" as he took me to a secluded booth away from the game area. People had to specifically look for us. Despite the game site being a bar the the spot I was in with Josh was relatively quiet. At that point I had a lot of SIBs and Josh (with my EXPRESSED consent) was keeping me from hitting myself. I was utterly silent for once and just squeezed and let me fall apart.

Then Ryan showed the fuck up. A fellow gamer, that knows I am on the spectrum. He thought it was a good time to berate me and Josh who was hold me tight to keep me from smashing my face on the table. He was an utter ass about it ("This not daycare." "Take that shit outside") and did not GTFO when Josh told him too (I couldn't speak) when finally left...that's when the tears came. We left game early and went home. I never seen Josh so infuriated he actually wanted to hurt someone.

The entire situation left me with a bad taste in my mouth. I marathon game a lot. I play four hours of one game and then do another four. Maybe I should cut down marathon, but despite that the entire situation is why education is important and why it honestly sucks to pass most of the time. Even when you cry for help, people tend to ignore it or down play it.

Playing the Fool

The Fool Card

At #0 (or, in some decks, #22, the last card as much as the first of the Majors) the Fool is the card of infinite possibilities. The bag on the staff indicates that he has all he needs to do or be anything he wants, he has only to stop and unpack. He is on his way to a brand new beginning.

But the card carries a little bark of warning as well. While it's wonderful to be enthralled with all around you, excited by all life has to offer, you still need to watch your step, lest you fall and end up looking the fool.




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The day after Autistic Speaking Day has left me with a sense of apathy lately. While I have been rather jaded and burnt out with the past events of doing disability activism for ASAN. I personally stopped caring about what lives I will changed or have changed or have left in doubt. You might gasp at this and find it tragic but trust me. This is me drawing the Fool Card.

I use do Tarot readings for shits and giggles. Later I got more interested in Rune casting and I actually excelled in Runes than Tarot. Still, the point of the metaphor is not about how I like to do divination for fun, but why I didn't look before I leap.

I was over doing it. I was throwing myself into my work and thus expended my emotional resources which left me a bitter, jaded and hateful person. I don't like the saccharine kids that want to be Aut-activists, my patients for parents is gone and any superheroish feelings of wanting to save the world, have all been ashed by the harsh reality that the thankless job of being an advocate doesn't bring recognition or the feeling of accomplishment that I desired. I was unhappy with myself, with what I was doing and yet I was still meeting with young women who wants answers. Writing letters to parents, going to talk to other DD self-advocates and even speaking to Melanie's class. Even today at work, I was explaining the wrongs of Aut$pks to a naive volunteer. I keep throwing my ass on the fire for some reason. Highly aware that I am being burnt.

Ladies and Gents, I like you to meet the Fool Card of the Autistic Major Arcana.

I still keep hoping that something will change. That Autistics Speaking day will actually improve relations with parents and teachers instead of becoming somesort of glorified meme. That Aut$pks will change hands with someone else that has been touched by neurodiversity and thus, will have better PR. I hope that one day ASAN will become a leading disability organization, that I will be staff one day with a paycheck. That parents will be reconmended to seek out ASAN chapters to involve their teenangers with.

It's a pipedream I am sure. I am so cynical and dry that I know I am fighting a loosing battle. Yet despite being so fucking jaded I manage to saunter merrily down the path and into a gaping chasm. Maybe the caveat isn't really the cliff in front of me, but the fact I was so blind to it and I keep climbing up and falling back into it.

Let me make this clear.
Don't self-advocate thinking that you will change the world. Self-advocate because you rather fall into the schism yourself than having someone chuck you into it.

Burnt out

I've had it.

I stretched myself too thin and now I just don't care anymore. I lost any form of interest and sympathy aut-rights over the couple of weeks and it's not a surprise. The protest was exhausting and I shutdown several times over the period of a few minutes. I was stick of parents, professionals and NT in general. I am even sick of other autists besides my boyfriend and best friend Mel. I am just so tired and done with everything.

No I am not quitting the blog.

I just don't see a reason to post right now. I might take a hiatus or post Tikaani art and short stories while I recoup. But I am just done with activism. I have bills to pay a real job to do and a life to live. I am not getting paid to be verbally abused and chided by a bunch of ignorant privileged white yuppies. I might get sucked back in because I can't leave things alone, but I hope I can have a moment of peace.

Most importantly. I am sick of not being allowed to be angry. I am sick of parents telling me to be "nice". Fuck them. You go be oppressed and then we will talk. I have a right be angry, to be furious, but full rage and hate. I don't have a outlet for it anymore.

And I am starting to take it out on my peers. That's gotta go. So I am gone until my anger and rage finds a proper channel.

April....what?

With April coming up I decided to shove another project on my plate. April Drawing. Every day on the month of April you post a drawing. It sounds like a great way to build more of my art skills and to up the stakes. I am doing it based on Autism Awareness month and I am posting them here. Some might have blurbs others might be comics and some might be doodles of everyone's favorite autist, Tikaani. But with commissions and the flyers I need to do...I am totally setting myself up for disaster. <.<