The Socioethics of communitive gaming

Or. How not to act like a spoiled child in game.

For those that don't know I am a live action role player also known as a LARPer ( yes I am well aware how much of a dork I am playing LARP but it's less boffer LotR and more political intrigue and noir with vampires), I play Vampire the Masquerade . It's super complex and sometimes to understand. I've been playing "Columbus in Darkness" (the name of our game) for almost a year. For an autist, playing a very heavy social game like LARP and one that is very very political in nature. Is severely tasking and I've been known to meltdown after game. It can be hell for some, but I actually love it. LARPing has been teaching me to better read facial expressions, make better eye contact and dare I say it? Learn to lie more effectively.

But I am not hear telling people how useful drama classes are or more political games like VtM for learning better passing skills. This is a caveat to players especially autists who come into a new game unprepared and very ignorant of how the game works.


And make total asses of themselves.


Enter "Karen", she is my age and probably on the spectrum (according to her) she definitely has a quirks and some social impairments. I know her actually from the Gender Variant and Queer support group that I go to once a month. She is trans like myself and I can empathize with transitioning being very very exhausting. Never the less, Karen entered the game and I was totally excited to have my characters meet hers. I play two characters, a Gangrel named Spyke.. I also play Larkin, a Toreador .

I was excited to see Karen's character concept. Was she gonna play a Malkavian, the mentally unstable, but mentally complex clan of vampires? Maybe a one of mage-clan vampires the Tremere. There was just so many paths to choose and I was excited for her. So I was kinda confused when she chose a caitiff or a clanless vampire. Now, for those that don't quiet catch it. Playing a clanless vampire in our game (we play the Camarilla sect) is pretty risky for brand new players. They are hard to play because Kindred (vampire) society looks down on them. They are considered garbage, trash, unworthy of the blood. They are hard for new players because of a sizable stigma on them and screwing up because you're still new to the game could get your character killed.

More or less, playing a caitiff is for more experience players who know the genre and the game well (despite everyone telling her, this was a bad idea and she needs to know what she is doing)

So Karen was playing a caitiff, well I kinda laughed at first thinking she was obviously pretty versed with genre, and has done this before. I also thought she had a big plan with this character. Gee was I wrong.

She was obviously PAINFULLY new to the genre of Vampire the Masquerade. She made a lot of newbie mistakes which was fine because you're totally allowed to fuck up as you go. I did that with Spyke a lot (now my excuse that Spyke was a feral vampire that came to Columbus after her mentor was brutally killed), however unlike Karen, I learned my mistakes, I learned the game. It was hard, tasking and overwhelming at points. Generally first time characters survive for about three months. I was surprised when Spyke lasted triple that time. So I knew "Theresa" was not going to last long in game. I don't think Karen understood that.

Anyway, it was apparent that Karen as a player had poor manners, and didn't understand why she was bugging people. She interrupted conversations (in and out of character), she wore blazers, but didn't cross her legs or keep them closed which was kinda gross for someone in a short skirt. She didn't try to make friends out of character, so everyone saw her as a stranger. Her own character screwed up A LOT, everything from insulting characters and getting crap knocked out of her (in game of course) and having bad manners all around (claiming to be professional and then walk around with a two liter bottle of cows blood doesn't really work, also telling folks you drink cows blood is like telling vegetarians you love eating meat and you don't understand why you guys would just eat plants. It's rude). The top it all off, if Theresa was new to Kindred society people wouldn't have been hard on her. The deal was, Karen made her already a member of the sect that we played (Camarilla) so her character should know all the rules of society and have proper manner for interacting. Making her screw ups FAR more grievous than if she was recently embraced (turned into a vampire). More or less Theresa was going to be killed for screwing up too much, and we thought that it would be lesson learned and Karen would make a character more appropriate for a new player and continue to play. Shit happens right?

I was again wrong.

Last night as I came in, I found Karen by the sign in table. She looked stiff (she always does) and seemed to be waiting for something. So greeted her:
Me: Hey Karen, did you sign in? :D
Karen: No I am leaving the LARP for good :| I am just here to tell that to STs (Storytellers they are kinda like the moderators of the game)
Me: D: aww, I am sorry, well good luck then

And instead of just leaving she hung around waiting for my boyfriend to show up so she can give him her contact info (he didn't until much later but she left leaving me her info). I didn't know why she couldn't email the STs or something. I didn't bother to ask why she was leaving. Though I had a sneaking suspicion.

Before game day, Bonnie's character Ryan wrote a scathing letter to Theresa for her misbehavior during very very important event. Now I must remind my readers, this is all RP this isn't really Bonnie has no issues with Karen, however her character hates Theresa. What I found out later that night, is that is why Karen left the game. She didn't know about the letter until that night. She decided, instead of handing the situation with grace, to throw a fit like a child. She insulted the players, the game and generally made a stink of it. And then flounced off.

Here is the tally for those that are keeping score
-She is playing a very DIFFICULT character not one for new players
-She is new to game and doesn't know all the rules and doesn't ask for help
-Her character continue to make the same mistakes over and over wearing everyone's patience down.
-She decides people suck and she acts like a child when she realizes that this isn't her cup of tea.

Conclusion: I have absolutely no sympathy for her and I hope the doesn't come back until she matures as person an as a player.

Folks this isn't about RP. This long TL;DR example is what it means to have personal responsibility. You do not go into something without knowing the consequences. You learn from your mistakes and be accountable for your actions. We tried to help Karen, we gave her advice, we told her how to access the STs for help get on the IC and OOC email lists. We wanted Karen to be a cool and valued player, but she never took a step back and said:
"This really isn't my cup of tea, I don't think I like LARPing...I am gonna quit sorry and good luck to folks"
or
"I am having trouble with this, I think it's best if I retired Theresa and play a more flexible character."
or
"I am taking a break for a few weeks, just to clear my head."

Instead once she realized she couldn't cut it. She blamed everyone else and acted liked it was our fault that her character was getting her ass kicked. Dude....you signed up for this. We even threw you a lifesaver. This is immature, willful and pretty damn typical.

Especially for autists.

I've seen this behavior in AFF and several blogs. So the question is raised. When is it justified to hold the actions of NTs, and the government accountable to misfortunes, personal or public, and when it is appropriate to take accountability for oneself and be change that you would like to see? The problem is that I see lot of autists blame NT parents, teachers, spouses, their disability the government. I don't see a lot of autists taking a step back an realize that they could improve things themselves but be responsible and changing their own behavior. Understanding ones flaws is a sign of maturity. Realizing that some behaviors can't have the "autism card" pulled on when being called on (IE: I know an AFF member who harassed his female co-workers, he used his autism and them being NT and not "understand" as a excuse" ). Realizing some shit isn't cool an working to change it is important. It's not being "submissive" to NTs (as one autist accused me off), it's about realizing that being an asshole isn't an autistic symptom.

A good autists realizes that sexually harassing co-workers, making racists comments, crying wolf when "trolls" are really people that disagree with you, is inappropriate and seeks to correct behaviors without blaming people or one's autism.

A good LARPer would realize playing very difficult character is a bad idea with inexperience and will play something easier to learn the game

A superb RPer would turn the caitiff into a Ventrue that doesn't know she is clanless, make her in charge of several Non-profits be a totally HBIC, give her some awesome influences and abilities and finds out that she is clanless and totally freaks the fuck out!

What that's what I would do if I played Theresa.....

Ari Ne'eman and the "Bitchplz" moment

Once again life has sucked me up and spit me up. I have been dealing with a lot issues including gender identity and dating a new man and I have honestly neglected this blog. So I am gonna try to at least draw something or post Drakkhani stuff just to keep it active.

Now this weekend was completely mind boggling. Thanksgiving itself was rather simple and the Friday after wards was more volunteer work and having a really heavy conversation with Dave. Saturday was when Ari arrived in C-bus I hanged out with him and Melanie, Nick was there. Despite the fact dad decided to go on an abusive drunken rant later that night. The weekend was highly enjoyable (oh and there was the melt down at the pizza party forgot about that)

Did I mention that I have been going through some stressful and mindblowing changes?

No?

Anyway...Monday was Ari's talk on Neuro-D. I played helper monkey and help with setting up and closing down and generally assisting Cindy Selfe and Mel (cus dats how I roll). I was looking forward to the lecture and the discourse that followed. That's until a coward showed up in the midst of all of this. There was a paper called "Neurodiversity: Treatable with early detection" I was fuming but Ari decided this was excellent debate material and had it up with him. The paper was actively protesting ASAN's socio-ethics. While I was irritated, I was more frustrated that he came and left.

Coward.

Fortunately one of the English rhetoric students decided to cut it down using logic and rhetoric. Nicely done Pat.

The lecture went smoothly and there was some wonderful questions (I asked how is ASAN and the NeuroD community going to include those that are non-verbal and classically Autistic in the debate and participate with their community) however there was definitely a "bitchplz" moment. The president of autspks decided to hog the Q/A section. She was accusatory and loud and had no regard for everyone else in the room. Then she totally pulled a "LOOKIT IMMA HERO" with asking us that if we have spent time with a severely autistic boy.

Oh no she didn't

So this is to the attention whoring martyr in the back.

Dear AutSpks minion,

How dare you. How dare you disrespect the adults in Denny Hall by your inappropriate and obnoxious behavior. And how dare you strip the dignity of the classically autistic boy you spoke of by using him like a poker chip. I was frankly disgusted. Guess wheat Barbie, I have been with autistic and developmentally delayed adults in diapers. Unlike you I don't shame him or her for having a tool to use. I have also been with autistic teens that are suicidal and had to talk one down from killing himself. Another from running away as well. Both were victim of harassment. So yeah I can play the selfless hero bid too.

However, Where were you when they need your help? Where were you when I needed your help? When I was sitting in the bus being verbally and sexually harassed. Where were you and your champions for autists? When we desperately needed tools to survive every day when we cry out to be heard and have our voices counted? Or are you just in it for the cookies and punch?

You're not a fucking hero. Stop lauding yourself as one. You don't want to help autists you just want to make your resume look good.

Fuck you
Bard.

All Myths Are Truth

Or the existence of autistic adults and why deniers are plugging their ears.

Being an Autistic adult feels like being a fantastic creature. We don't exist to some people and once we show up they all rationalize and swallow themselves up in denial. I wonder if they would believe me if show them my spiral horn and feathery wings? Don't answer that, that was rhetorical.

Anne Dachel once again shows up in LBRB with the same short of bullshit that you hear every other white privileged denialist spew out from their botoxed lips. "WHERE ARE THE AUTISTIC ADULTS?!" As many said previously and I aim to do some repetition.

They are not hard to find. Just look in the institutions where many a severe autist is shoved into lysol scented halls like a bad sweater that your Aunt Jo gave you last Christmas. Just look in the prisons for the autists, or the schools. Trust me Dachel they are not invisible.

But low and behold to you they are invisible unicorns or faeries or some other "changeling" metaphor. Thusly many of us are drowning in a massive flood of financial chaos with no end in sight. While your autistic spawn is still sucking your breast, carefully wrapped in layers of Early Intervention, IEP and Feeding Programs to ensure your brood doesn't join the seething mass of the lot that wasn't fortunate. Well sucks to be you, because despite your hard sorted efforts to normalize your kid. Once he turns eighteen the gonna be fucked like the rest of us. Especially while he struggles to keep all his autistic behaviors under the bed and out of sight like cheap vibrator gotten from the Porno Store on the I-70. He's going to loose girlfriends(Or Boyfriends), he's going to get fucked over in jobs. He going to struggle. Hard. And while you rationalize that he's only "Mildly" autistic and push him to try harder while he keeps asking for some sort of help or support. He's going to try find a way to get help or a way out. Hopefully the latter isn't a 9mm.

Lets just face it. Your brat is gonna be one of us. One the many that is giving you the finger and telling your shut your airholes. He will either join us, go against us or lie in apathy and malcontent. One of the three. You're kid is probably 2...3...or even 4. But it's time to start thinking about what kind of safety net you will give him. It's time to get him that net, just in case.

You have no idea if he will be self-significant enough, and it's always to good to be practical.

Functionality and Normalcy

Now at age 18 Tikaani could feed, dress and use the toilet by himself. Skills that Hanai though he will never learn. However he still has trouble cooking the most simple of meals, can't sow or tan leather. He can make a drum from scratch though make a fire and hunt for clams and even fish, but not hunt or work with any weapons. He can't be left alone for his running behavior. He can read and write though and does well with dogs.

but...is he normal?

What is exactly is functionality? Why do professionals fixate on the binary of low and high functioning? Is Tikaani low functioning since he could barely speak accept for short sentences or is he high functioning enough since he could do a trade like make drums or harvest selfish in his tribe and he is also literate.

Functionality creates a border. An us/them mentality that does more harm than good and the concept of functionality seems to be evolving every year. I can't drive I can't hold a full time job I probably won't marry again (I don't even want to talk about that) or go to college. Am I functional though? Doctors think I am. I am Asperger, ergo HFA. So I must be high functioning. Despite having obvious challenges that more "functional" people have. I know autists that can drive and hold full time jobs, marry and be huge drivers in politics. Are they more "high functioning" than me? Do they get their Autie Licenses revoked?

I have seen the dreadful hierarchy that functionality causes. This idea that HFA autists should 'lord' over LFAs makes me nauseous. The idea that the LFA need us to protect them is stupid. ASAN unfortunately from what I see makes no effort to address this issue. This deciding line between LFA and HFA and the fact that these labels are going extinct (eventually) is going to be important for ASAN and other organizations to pay attention too. They need to see the infighting and the ableism within the group. I believe LFA people have much to contribute as long as they gain accommodations they need.


The problem is...once an oppressed group gains power, the opposing group tries to find ways to get it back. Any means necessary.
You can interpret that last line any way you want.

PS, I don't put Tikaani with any functionality label, at least not personally. I use a label to for reference for some RP players and in my fictions for the public. But generally, Tikaani isn't Low or High functioning. He's...Tikaani.

Bard

How to ride COTA and Imbolc blues

I did a social story project for my job I finished it last night and turned it in today I think it did well there are something that I want to fix but other than that I really like how it turned out.
I hope all the parents here can use it for their kids :3


In other news. I had an epic meltdown ): the kind in which I am incoherent and sobbing. I lost my cellphone on the road I found it but I was all DDDD: for twenty mins. I missed my ritual as well so I am kinda glum too. I'm probably going to eat something and write hopefully a distraction would be good.

ACHTUNG!

Dear Autists,

Please, stop comparing yourself to Black Civil rights movement, to the Gay rights movement to the persecution of gypsies/native peoples/black people/air nomads etc.

If you want to compare yourself to anything try the Deaf Movement. But seriously I am sick of the Oppression Olympics here.

Bard.

More With the Light and Head of the Curve

Three and Four of With the Light came in today it was nice to finally get a chance to read it. My thoughts are all jumbled again so lets see how I can organize them.

The third and forth book fixed a lot of issues from the first two. It's nice to see Hikaru developing in the other books, I'll get five soon. But from I am readying Hikaru tantrums have been less then orderly and there is more conflict. There are lot of issues that Keiko brings up in the books including siblings being short-changed and something that struck a chord.

Why the hell doesn't the frigging US have jobs designed for people with ASDs? Why the hell does Japan have law design specifically for folks with DD? I don't know if the US does but if it doesn't someone needs to get on that like flies on shit. The whole deal with autistic people in the work place and reading in book four made me sad yet passionate. We Americans need to have job places like Specialestern or have centers for people on the spectrum. It seems that we're way behind on for folks that DD. I just bugs me.

As the story progresses I know discover that Hikaru also has mental disabilies but I think that is just over dramatize that Hikaru is LD of curse what autist isn't some way. Also there is an HFA boy that show up too. This as another HFA makes me giddy. But I haven't seen an asperger autist show up yet. Over all three and four still give me hope that someone out their gets it. That we need help, not a cure. A 'cure' doesn't solve anything. I want work full time without the fear of losing my job just shortly after gaining it. It's hard when stuff just seems to be....backwards. Everything is so hard even when you're on the same level was your peers (kinda) I feel always as an unequal to my fellow staff. I just feel...unbalanced. This will never go away. Maybe...it will when I my colleagues are also on the spectrum. There will be no wall that way. I don't have to 'lie' to them and say I am normal even though I am not.

I am not normal it's not bad, but it's not helping my issue.

I wish I could write to Keiko Tobe. I want to write to her, tell her how much I aspired to tell my stories with pictures as she does. About my struggles as an autist. I wish she could see this and know someone from the US want show her that our words are important.

Shake, Stir and Oppress.

Before we go into the huge discussion today, I do want to brief on an another adventure of the “Teacup Werewolf” and the school she works at.

I am honestly not feeling. I feel dizzy and shivery, it had a headache early today and it was at the point that I pretty much collapsed on the ground. The mask fell off and I just curled up under a table and covered my head at every loud noise and tried to hide from the sunlight. I lost verbal speech and used a note pat to communicate. It was pretty agonizing, like usual the teachers were spot on and assisted me well. Erin encouraged me to head home, she called my sister Katie and told her what happened. Long story short I got on the bus and went home. I didn't leave “early” but I didn't finish work either. It was irritating but something I could manage. Then I decided over-read after being on this thread in LiveJournal.

Which brings into this topic.

I wonder how many abled people and Neuro-accepted people notice their privilege? Would my boss, E would be so kind to me if I was NT? Would she be understanding if was on the same social system as the other co-workers? Was she be being kind and understanding because of my autism? I had a lot of these questions as I sit with my laptop and drinking soy milk. Trying to deal with my headache and feelings of inadequacy. While I think she may have acted the same if I didn't have a disability, (I like to believe so) I feel that neuro-typicals have a lot of privilege that they tend to soak up a good deal.

What kinda of privilege you may ask well the biggest one I see is the fact that when an autists states: “Oh I am autistic” people respond, “Oh I have child/student/client/cousin...etc who has autism.” Why do they do this? Is this some stupid attempt in trying to find some empathy with us? Really? Stop it. It doesn't work it's frustrating because I don't care who you have a relationship with. It doesn't make you more knowledgeable or on the same level. Parents do it all the damn time.

They also play the game of “Oh I feel like that too” as well when I talk about having panic attacks or overloads. They act like everyone has episodes when cognitive thought goes out the window and you're struggling to communicate. They brush it and act like they know exactly what I am going through. No you don't. Yes many NT's have issues in similar strands, but when they act like it's “No big deal”
and try to play it off that everyone has “bad-days” I get irritated. You damn dare brush off the issues I face as autistic person buy down playing them and act like I am not really autistic and that my moments when speaking is almost impossible and I need to be forcibly calmed down during moments of cognitive unrest, is the same when you panic or have a bad day. No it isn't. I can't function or need help. You probably could. Now I am not talking to people that have panic attacks and moments of pyschosis, but the yuppie white middle class therapists who pull the everyone is disabled card. No not everyone is disabled and it just another symptom of abled privilege. You don't need to worry about finding a job that tolerate your meltdowns when everything overloads you at once, or if it's wheelchair accessible or has accessibility for the hearing impaired. You don't worry about aids and resources you need to keep independent. Or if insurance will accept you or how would cops react when your rock back and forth or sway your body.

NT people need to step back and admit their privilege and try to learn a bit more about autistic issues and disability issues. Stop trying to use a relation to empathize, you can't. Stop down playing or try to normalize us and try to make us fit in your box of what is abled and what isn't. Do try to ask questions, don't try to minimize our frustration when resent NT and NT culture.

I get frustrated a lot when I vent or try to say something and people over lap it with how they feel. They one how autists lack empathy but to be honest. NTs are more egocentric than we can ever be.

I am whole

The screaming from Ollie's locked bedroom could be heard all over the home he is residing at. The 18 year old autistic telekinetic boy's tantrum was over on one thing. Someone took his game boy away. It was the only thing that brought him comfort and it was taken from him. Mr. Whicker noticed that the lock was starting to break. It won't belong out of confusion and frustration, Ollie would psychically break the door down.


Hanai spent two an half hours with Tikaani as he spent that time vomiting and crying, his fever will not break and the healers could break it. Maka had his fourteen year old nephew in his arms as the flu ravaged him. Occasionally out of anger and sickness Tikaani will scream and break something or try to run outside into the snow to cool off. Hanai sat beside him brushing the hair out of his eyes as he made to drink boiled water. Maka looked at his wife with a fear. Will this be the end of their foster son?

Opening paragraphs are from Ollie, a character set in alternate earth, he and two others are gifted with superpowers and call themselves the league of misfits. The other is of Tikaani.

Why would I write something so depressing? Especially since I am so hopeful and confident. This is less "emo" and more reflection.

Out of many neurodiversity blogs out there. They all seem to have this whirlwind optimism. Many are established adults with jobs, or stable income or college kids with a secure environment. Some are self-dx with no legal repercussions of their pasted on diagnosis. Others are formal and have files in their hospitals.

What I am addressing is despite being whole we are not always in constant state of happy gung-ho pride. I will say since no one else will, at least on my end of the camp. Autism does suck. I am not saying that out of depression. I am stating a real truth. Autism does suck, not all the time but it's not something to constantly glorified and "inb4thebutthurt" of people in the "BUT I DON'T GLORIFIY IT!!!!one11!" But I have yet to see people admit that being developmentally disabled does blow a little.

People however love to blame others, mostly neurotypicals saying that it's society's fault that we have it so rough. Yes the social structure is one problem. But if you put a bunch of auties from around the spectrum together on a deserted island, there are going to be just as many problems with that than solutions. The world doesn't suddenly make sense if we're all in one room. We have no standard mode of operating and because of our various social skill level were going to be missing important cues and most likely argue and fight out of frustration, this will go along a for a long while until we figure out how to a set an strong routine. However if we all end up stuck on AutIsland, and we do figure out a structure. You bet your momma's spaghetti that goverment will hold together. Most of us are stickers for the rules.

Which proves that everything has a dark and light side. While I may say Autism sucks (occasionally) and that not everything can be blamed on other people. I do see good from my disability. However I feel I do not have an autie talent, if anything I am rather plain. My art skills are mediocre and my writing is on that same level. I have a lot of flaws but nothing to really balance it. So it seems.

While there are bad days as the first to show, there are good days. Find them and celebrating them is important just recognizing the "autism sucks" days.