Here we go again

With another shooting in the news the same usual suspects show up and without much ado, the Mental Illness and Developmental Disability community, pretty much gets bulldozed and scapegoated. Just like clockwork. I dread hearing about these dreadful shootings (not just because they are incredibly tragic), because once again we're the face of evil and violence. In weeks time schizophrenics, bi-polar and autistic adults (and teens) will be in the front pages of news blogs with tragic reports of there "aggressive" behavior and how were "time bombs" etc etc. Same song, same dance. It happened with the Virgina Tech massacre it happened with Columbine too, and now with the horrific Aurora Cinema shooting it seems that people keep conflicting Criminal Minds with real life.

Joe Scarborough said some pretty ignorant statements in regards to the shooting, and he got told off for them fortunately, but this just a slow change. Especially since Joe kinda missed the point. And to be a bit cynical here, people are going to continue to miss the point since this is always been sort of a hard lesson to learn. People with mental illnesses are not your killers. People with schizophrenic disorders, bi-polar, OCD, DID, Borderline are not your boogieman. Kassianne made clear point on this complete with stats on the real facts that we're the victims than the victimizers. In fact I have been hearing more frequently about the deaths of autistics lately. Yet still people continue to paint us as organic robots with no feelings or social awareness. I don't understand how hard it is for people to grasp that it's more likely that my neurtypical readers are going to to murder me or my neurotypical siblings than the other way around. Hell I should start profiling all the normies on my blog for Odin's sake.

I know what your people are like...

Playing the Fool

The Fool Card

At #0 (or, in some decks, #22, the last card as much as the first of the Majors) the Fool is the card of infinite possibilities. The bag on the staff indicates that he has all he needs to do or be anything he wants, he has only to stop and unpack. He is on his way to a brand new beginning.

But the card carries a little bark of warning as well. While it's wonderful to be enthralled with all around you, excited by all life has to offer, you still need to watch your step, lest you fall and end up looking the fool.




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The day after Autistic Speaking Day has left me with a sense of apathy lately. While I have been rather jaded and burnt out with the past events of doing disability activism for ASAN. I personally stopped caring about what lives I will changed or have changed or have left in doubt. You might gasp at this and find it tragic but trust me. This is me drawing the Fool Card.

I use do Tarot readings for shits and giggles. Later I got more interested in Rune casting and I actually excelled in Runes than Tarot. Still, the point of the metaphor is not about how I like to do divination for fun, but why I didn't look before I leap.

I was over doing it. I was throwing myself into my work and thus expended my emotional resources which left me a bitter, jaded and hateful person. I don't like the saccharine kids that want to be Aut-activists, my patients for parents is gone and any superheroish feelings of wanting to save the world, have all been ashed by the harsh reality that the thankless job of being an advocate doesn't bring recognition or the feeling of accomplishment that I desired. I was unhappy with myself, with what I was doing and yet I was still meeting with young women who wants answers. Writing letters to parents, going to talk to other DD self-advocates and even speaking to Melanie's class. Even today at work, I was explaining the wrongs of Aut$pks to a naive volunteer. I keep throwing my ass on the fire for some reason. Highly aware that I am being burnt.

Ladies and Gents, I like you to meet the Fool Card of the Autistic Major Arcana.

I still keep hoping that something will change. That Autistics Speaking day will actually improve relations with parents and teachers instead of becoming somesort of glorified meme. That Aut$pks will change hands with someone else that has been touched by neurodiversity and thus, will have better PR. I hope that one day ASAN will become a leading disability organization, that I will be staff one day with a paycheck. That parents will be reconmended to seek out ASAN chapters to involve their teenangers with.

It's a pipedream I am sure. I am so cynical and dry that I know I am fighting a loosing battle. Yet despite being so fucking jaded I manage to saunter merrily down the path and into a gaping chasm. Maybe the caveat isn't really the cliff in front of me, but the fact I was so blind to it and I keep climbing up and falling back into it.

Let me make this clear.
Don't self-advocate thinking that you will change the world. Self-advocate because you rather fall into the schism yourself than having someone chuck you into it.

VLog: Problem with Goldilocks Rhetoric

The Socioethics of communitive gaming

Or. How not to act like a spoiled child in game.

For those that don't know I am a live action role player also known as a LARPer ( yes I am well aware how much of a dork I am playing LARP but it's less boffer LotR and more political intrigue and noir with vampires), I play Vampire the Masquerade . It's super complex and sometimes to understand. I've been playing "Columbus in Darkness" (the name of our game) for almost a year. For an autist, playing a very heavy social game like LARP and one that is very very political in nature. Is severely tasking and I've been known to meltdown after game. It can be hell for some, but I actually love it. LARPing has been teaching me to better read facial expressions, make better eye contact and dare I say it? Learn to lie more effectively.

But I am not hear telling people how useful drama classes are or more political games like VtM for learning better passing skills. This is a caveat to players especially autists who come into a new game unprepared and very ignorant of how the game works.


And make total asses of themselves.


Enter "Karen", she is my age and probably on the spectrum (according to her) she definitely has a quirks and some social impairments. I know her actually from the Gender Variant and Queer support group that I go to once a month. She is trans like myself and I can empathize with transitioning being very very exhausting. Never the less, Karen entered the game and I was totally excited to have my characters meet hers. I play two characters, a Gangrel named Spyke.. I also play Larkin, a Toreador .

I was excited to see Karen's character concept. Was she gonna play a Malkavian, the mentally unstable, but mentally complex clan of vampires? Maybe a one of mage-clan vampires the Tremere. There was just so many paths to choose and I was excited for her. So I was kinda confused when she chose a caitiff or a clanless vampire. Now, for those that don't quiet catch it. Playing a clanless vampire in our game (we play the Camarilla sect) is pretty risky for brand new players. They are hard to play because Kindred (vampire) society looks down on them. They are considered garbage, trash, unworthy of the blood. They are hard for new players because of a sizable stigma on them and screwing up because you're still new to the game could get your character killed.

More or less, playing a caitiff is for more experience players who know the genre and the game well (despite everyone telling her, this was a bad idea and she needs to know what she is doing)

So Karen was playing a caitiff, well I kinda laughed at first thinking she was obviously pretty versed with genre, and has done this before. I also thought she had a big plan with this character. Gee was I wrong.

She was obviously PAINFULLY new to the genre of Vampire the Masquerade. She made a lot of newbie mistakes which was fine because you're totally allowed to fuck up as you go. I did that with Spyke a lot (now my excuse that Spyke was a feral vampire that came to Columbus after her mentor was brutally killed), however unlike Karen, I learned my mistakes, I learned the game. It was hard, tasking and overwhelming at points. Generally first time characters survive for about three months. I was surprised when Spyke lasted triple that time. So I knew "Theresa" was not going to last long in game. I don't think Karen understood that.

Anyway, it was apparent that Karen as a player had poor manners, and didn't understand why she was bugging people. She interrupted conversations (in and out of character), she wore blazers, but didn't cross her legs or keep them closed which was kinda gross for someone in a short skirt. She didn't try to make friends out of character, so everyone saw her as a stranger. Her own character screwed up A LOT, everything from insulting characters and getting crap knocked out of her (in game of course) and having bad manners all around (claiming to be professional and then walk around with a two liter bottle of cows blood doesn't really work, also telling folks you drink cows blood is like telling vegetarians you love eating meat and you don't understand why you guys would just eat plants. It's rude). The top it all off, if Theresa was new to Kindred society people wouldn't have been hard on her. The deal was, Karen made her already a member of the sect that we played (Camarilla) so her character should know all the rules of society and have proper manner for interacting. Making her screw ups FAR more grievous than if she was recently embraced (turned into a vampire). More or less Theresa was going to be killed for screwing up too much, and we thought that it would be lesson learned and Karen would make a character more appropriate for a new player and continue to play. Shit happens right?

I was again wrong.

Last night as I came in, I found Karen by the sign in table. She looked stiff (she always does) and seemed to be waiting for something. So greeted her:
Me: Hey Karen, did you sign in? :D
Karen: No I am leaving the LARP for good :| I am just here to tell that to STs (Storytellers they are kinda like the moderators of the game)
Me: D: aww, I am sorry, well good luck then

And instead of just leaving she hung around waiting for my boyfriend to show up so she can give him her contact info (he didn't until much later but she left leaving me her info). I didn't know why she couldn't email the STs or something. I didn't bother to ask why she was leaving. Though I had a sneaking suspicion.

Before game day, Bonnie's character Ryan wrote a scathing letter to Theresa for her misbehavior during very very important event. Now I must remind my readers, this is all RP this isn't really Bonnie has no issues with Karen, however her character hates Theresa. What I found out later that night, is that is why Karen left the game. She didn't know about the letter until that night. She decided, instead of handing the situation with grace, to throw a fit like a child. She insulted the players, the game and generally made a stink of it. And then flounced off.

Here is the tally for those that are keeping score
-She is playing a very DIFFICULT character not one for new players
-She is new to game and doesn't know all the rules and doesn't ask for help
-Her character continue to make the same mistakes over and over wearing everyone's patience down.
-She decides people suck and she acts like a child when she realizes that this isn't her cup of tea.

Conclusion: I have absolutely no sympathy for her and I hope the doesn't come back until she matures as person an as a player.

Folks this isn't about RP. This long TL;DR example is what it means to have personal responsibility. You do not go into something without knowing the consequences. You learn from your mistakes and be accountable for your actions. We tried to help Karen, we gave her advice, we told her how to access the STs for help get on the IC and OOC email lists. We wanted Karen to be a cool and valued player, but she never took a step back and said:
"This really isn't my cup of tea, I don't think I like LARPing...I am gonna quit sorry and good luck to folks"
or
"I am having trouble with this, I think it's best if I retired Theresa and play a more flexible character."
or
"I am taking a break for a few weeks, just to clear my head."

Instead once she realized she couldn't cut it. She blamed everyone else and acted liked it was our fault that her character was getting her ass kicked. Dude....you signed up for this. We even threw you a lifesaver. This is immature, willful and pretty damn typical.

Especially for autists.

I've seen this behavior in AFF and several blogs. So the question is raised. When is it justified to hold the actions of NTs, and the government accountable to misfortunes, personal or public, and when it is appropriate to take accountability for oneself and be change that you would like to see? The problem is that I see lot of autists blame NT parents, teachers, spouses, their disability the government. I don't see a lot of autists taking a step back an realize that they could improve things themselves but be responsible and changing their own behavior. Understanding ones flaws is a sign of maturity. Realizing that some behaviors can't have the "autism card" pulled on when being called on (IE: I know an AFF member who harassed his female co-workers, he used his autism and them being NT and not "understand" as a excuse" ). Realizing some shit isn't cool an working to change it is important. It's not being "submissive" to NTs (as one autist accused me off), it's about realizing that being an asshole isn't an autistic symptom.

A good autists realizes that sexually harassing co-workers, making racists comments, crying wolf when "trolls" are really people that disagree with you, is inappropriate and seeks to correct behaviors without blaming people or one's autism.

A good LARPer would realize playing very difficult character is a bad idea with inexperience and will play something easier to learn the game

A superb RPer would turn the caitiff into a Ventrue that doesn't know she is clanless, make her in charge of several Non-profits be a totally HBIC, give her some awesome influences and abilities and finds out that she is clanless and totally freaks the fuck out!

What that's what I would do if I played Theresa.....

My definition of Self-advocating

Save the Retards

It's like Save the Whales for slactivists.


Oh a look a heavy political post for once yay!

Anyway, I think it's apparent on how much the pro-cure aspect of Aut-politics really makes me want to long hot shower and try to wash the disgust off my back. I see the common theme of Pro-cure activism something that is very similar to this:
(Trigger Warning: Emotional content)


Ah yes, sad depressing music with a starving probably exploited black child telling white people that they should save the black child because it's your responsibility to save third world brown/black children. The underlining message is simple, black people in third world countries need while people to save them. It's in every AIDS ad every anti-war protest. It's imperialism in the guise of charity.

Autism Politics does the same thing


It rallies NT (white, middle class NTs) to be "aware" of Autism, to save the poor lost children of this "epidemic" they use the same tools, sad music and feeling of grave seriousness. Because your son could have autism. I kinda wanna go outside listen to some Daft Punk and smoke weed. A buzz could totally kill this depressive shit.

It adds on to the Otherness that aut-adults feel as well as the stigmatization that AutSpks often shoves on them. They are tragedies needed to be saved by the smart rich white NTs. It's repeatedly shoved into our heads both by media and by doctors. The idea we need a Jesus is something that I actively protest. It's the perfect example of NT privilege, the idea that they the personal Jesus of some five year old autistic boy and that their donations and volunteering would "save them" It's gross and it's why pro cure often love playing victim around aut-adults who firmly decry the arch-angelism that NT activists seem to exude. It makes them look like bless saints while we are the poor "ignorant savages" needed to be evangelized and converted. I heard this story before? Didn't everyone die of smallpox?

NT privilege is like most majority statuses, people are oblivious to it and not even aware they have it. Self-Dx I am sure know they have it, hence their avoidance on getting diagnosed. I don't blame them anymore, no one wants their NT privilege taken away. People so unaware of their NT status have a hard time seeing the herohttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gific bullshit that AutSpks propagates. To them it makes sense, after all? Don't we donate money to Cancer, AIDS, Muscular Dystrophy? To them we are another philanthropic venture unto white middle-class patronization.

It's this heroism that's really hurting self-advocates. Not bad policies, charity-corps, or vulnerable parents lashing out at the turn of fate that they didn't want. They are symptoms of a the real problem and why self-advocacy is struggling.


Can you see? They want to save the retards.


Melanie's article is good example of the mindset that most of use are breastfeed on. It's one of the most tiring concepts I've ever dealt with. And every time we profess anger and indignation over being told that they just want to help us, we are whip-lashed with guilt and sheepish remorse. Like we should feel ashamed for being self-reliant. Our identity is being used as a marketing tool and being against this is somehow "terrible" and we are "bad" for saying "We are not your poster children." Self-advocates are being under attacked by Pro-cure NTs calling us fakes and posers, not really autistic and so forth. They are attacking us because we're removing their "hero high" from them. The feeling of being a hero or a superman to their child/sibling/friend/patient etc. I swear it gives them some sort of thrill when they go to walks or fund-drives. Like they think that they are really saving the word. To have a self-advocate tell you, your oppressing us and continuing the discrimination and stigma...wow it does really kill your buzz. No wonder Pro-cures get cranky when we tell them the truth. It is a buzz kill.

It all comes down to egotism, and frankly it's time to kill some egos.

You're not our Jesus.

Bard's on Autism now Part 1 and Part 2

Ok ok, blame my illness. But I decided to watch the NewsHour Autism Now special, because I have been slacking in responsive blog. I'll be watching part one and two tonight and three and four tomorrow.

Yeah guys pray for me.


Thoughts on Part one
-MacNeil introduced us to his grandson Nick and right away I knew this entire report is going to be biased. Nick is kind of cute, and he makes the same "eeeeee" http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifnoise I do! He lists off the symptoms of autism and then explains that his grandson his digestive problems.

-Ok so his mom does the "I know it's those "ebil vaccines" conspiracy and says that her kid cries all the time and has the runs. Ok well let just put another frame of ref. I have bowel issues (TMI I know) and I have issues when I just end up being grumpy and rather pissed off, but the tummy problems could be from diet and emotion regulations though an autistic issue in some cases can also be a bi-polar issue too.

-Nealy the sister sounds honestly too rehearsed. She definitely has Normal Child Syndrome many of the questions he asks his granddaughter feel directed like he is getting certain answers. It makes me uncomfortable.

-Nick has an obsession with buses, so why didn't you warn him when you changed his schedule suddenly? You know auties have issues with change, hell I still do and I'm 24. At least the kid seems to be flexible enough to go with it. Kudos for Nick

over all Part one seems...ok....but I know the worse is yet to come.


Thoughts on Part two

-Right away MacNeil goes on the "More common than AIDS cancer and diabetes" tripe. Why do people keep bring that up I mean c'mon

-The introduction to Julie Perin and Logan showed obviously that autism can show up in many ways (DUH IT'S SPECTRUM) what perked my interest was the something that Sally said. She said Julie many not communicate verbal but non-verbal communication works as well.

-Once again...spectrum with Logan and his brothers. Also omg stop with the "high-mid-low functioning thing"

-Yus duh, wider diagnosis is why we have such a rise in cases. BUT THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. (also <3 Grinker)

Ugh It seems MacNeil keeps pushing for environmental causation instead of "Oh hey maybe it's because we changed the diagnosis crits"

over all it wasn't HORRIBLE but it made me feel icky watching


BIASED MEDIA, UR DOIN IT MACNEIL

Ari Ne'eman and the "Bitchplz" moment

Once again life has sucked me up and spit me up. I have been dealing with a lot issues including gender identity and dating a new man and I have honestly neglected this blog. So I am gonna try to at least draw something or post Drakkhani stuff just to keep it active.

Now this weekend was completely mind boggling. Thanksgiving itself was rather simple and the Friday after wards was more volunteer work and having a really heavy conversation with Dave. Saturday was when Ari arrived in C-bus I hanged out with him and Melanie, Nick was there. Despite the fact dad decided to go on an abusive drunken rant later that night. The weekend was highly enjoyable (oh and there was the melt down at the pizza party forgot about that)

Did I mention that I have been going through some stressful and mindblowing changes?

No?

Anyway...Monday was Ari's talk on Neuro-D. I played helper monkey and help with setting up and closing down and generally assisting Cindy Selfe and Mel (cus dats how I roll). I was looking forward to the lecture and the discourse that followed. That's until a coward showed up in the midst of all of this. There was a paper called "Neurodiversity: Treatable with early detection" I was fuming but Ari decided this was excellent debate material and had it up with him. The paper was actively protesting ASAN's socio-ethics. While I was irritated, I was more frustrated that he came and left.

Coward.

Fortunately one of the English rhetoric students decided to cut it down using logic and rhetoric. Nicely done Pat.

The lecture went smoothly and there was some wonderful questions (I asked how is ASAN and the NeuroD community going to include those that are non-verbal and classically Autistic in the debate and participate with their community) however there was definitely a "bitchplz" moment. The president of autspks decided to hog the Q/A section. She was accusatory and loud and had no regard for everyone else in the room. Then she totally pulled a "LOOKIT IMMA HERO" with asking us that if we have spent time with a severely autistic boy.

Oh no she didn't

So this is to the attention whoring martyr in the back.

Dear AutSpks minion,

How dare you. How dare you disrespect the adults in Denny Hall by your inappropriate and obnoxious behavior. And how dare you strip the dignity of the classically autistic boy you spoke of by using him like a poker chip. I was frankly disgusted. Guess wheat Barbie, I have been with autistic and developmentally delayed adults in diapers. Unlike you I don't shame him or her for having a tool to use. I have also been with autistic teens that are suicidal and had to talk one down from killing himself. Another from running away as well. Both were victim of harassment. So yeah I can play the selfless hero bid too.

However, Where were you when they need your help? Where were you when I needed your help? When I was sitting in the bus being verbally and sexually harassed. Where were you and your champions for autists? When we desperately needed tools to survive every day when we cry out to be heard and have our voices counted? Or are you just in it for the cookies and punch?

You're not a fucking hero. Stop lauding yourself as one. You don't want to help autists you just want to make your resume look good.

Fuck you
Bard.

Theory of Mind...not just for autists

Once again, people bring up faulty information

And once again I have to tell someone to STFU.

No one has theory of mind, no one. It's a socio-political tool to demonetize the neuroatypical, it's poor researched and executed. People need to stop mentioning shit that they know nothing about!

ACHTUNG!

Dear Autists,

Please, stop comparing yourself to Black Civil rights movement, to the Gay rights movement to the persecution of gypsies/native peoples/black people/air nomads etc.

If you want to compare yourself to anything try the Deaf Movement. But seriously I am sick of the Oppression Olympics here.

Bard.

Happy New Year!