I still need to work on my outline for Multiple Perspectives, the art of the being a procrastinator is in full swing, but as of late I have been thinking about something that hasn't been sitting well with me.
Why do I feel a divide in my own job?
Not like a huge divide but a weird feeling that I am not really staff, maybe it's because I am part time or maybe because I don't have a "teacher aura". Whatever the case is I can't help but feel sorta...awkward. I like talking and chatting with my co-workers but in some ways I feel that any friendships I make are kinda work only and will end there. Even worse, I feel so mascot-y around my co-workers. Like 'aww lookit you go! Yer so cute and inspirational!' I remember when I was new and interesting for the co-workers. I was the cute punky looking aspie girl...now I am just the aspie girl. I have gotten praise for my work like recently when a kid spilled milk in his bag, I offered to take it and wash it out for them. It was no big deal after all it's my job, apparently it enough to warrant a 'shout-out' on the message board in the teachers lounge. Which is where teachers post messages for fellow staff when they when up and beyond their duties..
How does being responsible equal being up and beyond and why does the well intention praise just feel so...fake to me?
Now the Gala is coming up. It's to raise money for the school. While most autists will pass on the opportunity, thinking that Saturday meltdowns are not a good idea. I want to go. Not because I want to socialize, but actually be considered equal to my peers for once. To be on their level...because some days I don't feel like I am.
On the other hand Voltaire is playing at Outlands that same night...Enoch is playing on taking me. One has better outcome at the end of the night.
Tikaani
The mascot of Prism*Song
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
Functionality and Normalcy
Now at age 18 Tikaani could feed, dress and use the toilet by himself. Skills that Hanai though he will never learn. However he still has trouble cooking the most simple of meals, can't sow or tan leather. He can make a drum from scratch though make a fire and hunt for clams and even fish, but not hunt or work with any weapons. He can't be left alone for his running behavior. He can read and write though and does well with dogs.
but...is he normal?
What is exactly is functionality? Why do professionals fixate on the binary of low and high functioning? Is Tikaani low functioning since he could barely speak accept for short sentences or is he high functioning enough since he could do a trade like make drums or harvest selfish in his tribe and he is also literate.
Functionality creates a border. An us/them mentality that does more harm than good and the concept of functionality seems to be evolving every year. I can't drive I can't hold a full time job I probably won't marry again (I don't even want to talk about that) or go to college. Am I functional though? Doctors think I am. I am Asperger, ergo HFA. So I must be high functioning. Despite having obvious challenges that more "functional" people have. I know autists that can drive and hold full time jobs, marry and be huge drivers in politics. Are they more "high functioning" than me? Do they get their Autie Licenses revoked?
I have seen the dreadful hierarchy that functionality causes. This idea that HFA autists should 'lord' over LFAs makes me nauseous. The idea that the LFA need us to protect them is stupid. ASAN unfortunately from what I see makes no effort to address this issue. This deciding line between LFA and HFA and the fact that these labels are going extinct (eventually) is going to be important for ASAN and other organizations to pay attention too. They need to see the infighting and the ableism within the group. I believe LFA people have much to contribute as long as they gain accommodations they need.
The problem is...once an oppressed group gains power, the opposing group tries to find ways to get it back. Any means necessary.
You can interpret that last line any way you want.
PS, I don't put Tikaani with any functionality label, at least not personally. I use a label to for reference for some RP players and in my fictions for the public. But generally, Tikaani isn't Low or High functioning. He's...Tikaani.
Bard
but...is he normal?
What is exactly is functionality? Why do professionals fixate on the binary of low and high functioning? Is Tikaani low functioning since he could barely speak accept for short sentences or is he high functioning enough since he could do a trade like make drums or harvest selfish in his tribe and he is also literate.
Functionality creates a border. An us/them mentality that does more harm than good and the concept of functionality seems to be evolving every year. I can't drive I can't hold a full time job I probably won't marry again (I don't even want to talk about that) or go to college. Am I functional though? Doctors think I am. I am Asperger, ergo HFA. So I must be high functioning. Despite having obvious challenges that more "functional" people have. I know autists that can drive and hold full time jobs, marry and be huge drivers in politics. Are they more "high functioning" than me? Do they get their Autie Licenses revoked?
I have seen the dreadful hierarchy that functionality causes. This idea that HFA autists should 'lord' over LFAs makes me nauseous. The idea that the LFA need us to protect them is stupid. ASAN unfortunately from what I see makes no effort to address this issue. This deciding line between LFA and HFA and the fact that these labels are going extinct (eventually) is going to be important for ASAN and other organizations to pay attention too. They need to see the infighting and the ableism within the group. I believe LFA people have much to contribute as long as they gain accommodations they need.
The problem is...once an oppressed group gains power, the opposing group tries to find ways to get it back. Any means necessary.
You can interpret that last line any way you want.
PS, I don't put Tikaani with any functionality label, at least not personally. I use a label to for reference for some RP players and in my fictions for the public. But generally, Tikaani isn't Low or High functioning. He's...Tikaani.
Bard
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Derpderpderp
I got bored today...so I was practicing some coloring. Yesterday I was with Melanie posting more flyers around OUS campus. We both had the great idea about confronting the AutSpks both that was at the South Oval, but closer we got the more apprehensive Mel was. As for me, well I was fired up and ready to go. I think I was channeling a little bit of Thelma that day. But she decided to talk to our group adviser and plan a more affective attack. So we decided just to flyer-bomb campus and then later she is going talk to student organization consul about using "Counter" signs, next to AutSpks signs with facts about AutSpks the organization. If this approved, well look out AutSpks *evil laugh*
It's sneezy, icky and coughy. I can't breath and hacking up green globs. I can barely tolerate the humidity or the heat. I am not use to this at all and all the dust from the roads. Rahmet says that Ba Sing Se is city of change and that adult needs to go with the flow. In fact as Water Tribe I should be more fluid to change. It's not change I am bugged out about. It's fact I can't breath at night and my nose is runny. UGH!
Gods damn allergies. I never got this back in North.
Easter Weekend I will have the prompts done. Like Tikaani I am having an icky kind of day.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Excellent Birds
As it's World Autism Awareness day, I should write a huge egocentric piece on how I view autism. Or even a Tikaani fiction piece (BTW Casdok, I have your prompt in progress I would love to have more prompts from you others) but I decided to try my hand again on another essay that is opinion only because I am too lazy to hunt down sources from Baron-Cohen. *side glance*
Theory of mind seems to be the new "explanation" to describe autistic people. It shiny and bright and full of sophomoric reasoning that grasps the populace and continues sadly the stigma of having a alter-wired brain. I will be discussing TOM (theory of mind) and how it's simply a rehashing of the old tropes that pervaded within the autism culture.
Yesterday afternoon, I was with my ASAN chapter, we spent the afternoon going around campus passing out flyers and groaning at Autspk's 1-110 lawn posters As much as I wanted to pull them out, I realized that would look bad on us so we and our chapter ran around combating ignorance the best we could. Later that afternoon we were invited to the lecture by John Duffy from Notre Dame. The lecture was wonderful and invoking (and there was pita and humus!) which inspired this essay.
Acoording to Wikipedia Theory of Mind states this
The idea is that autists have lack of this TOM or a very damaged one. With this we are quote "mindblind". Baron-Cohen idea that autistic people are mindblind brings up an anthropological context that to me is interesting. I believe everyone is rather mindblind, when it comes to cultural imperialism. We tend to assume that our culture is grand and great and over throwing a native culture is best and beneficial. We see this with White Privilege and 1st World Privileged people who think that doing missionary work or working in the deep urban areas is act of charity. That everyone should be like them and that if black people work hard enough they can escape the ghettos and have white collar jobs like them. Privileged people unfortunately are blind to the racist infrastructure that binds POC and makes it's difficult to escape. Even if they do escape, they will be discriminated for acting "white". Cultural Mindblindness is quite common.
Even Religious mindblindess. I mean look a the Christian church? They all believe that the majority of atheists, pagans, agnostics really want to be saved. Many are fiercely ignorant of said religions and that feeds into their asinine beliefs of what they really are.
Baron-Cohen uses dividing language according John Duffy, to polarize. Even though Baron-Cohen continues to backpeddle all the damn time (u guise this very simple graph I madeded isn't simple...u guiiiise? Ok I don't think he talks like a lolcat I just did it for satirical fun) One of the things I noticed the idealism that Autistics were are mindblind in the same context of say chimpanzees and other animals. I kinda lifted my eyebrow at this because I felt like this was familiar. Suddenly it occurred to me. Doesn't that sound like something out of the Tibetan Book of the Dead? I remember reading the TBotD one afternoon and reading about the bardo or realm of animals that even though animals have emotions they lack humor (In the TBotD). This is a Buddhist concept but it seems to resonate with me when was listening to John Duffy. I don't know why but I made a connection to the idea that we're mindblind like animals to the idea that human soul got stuck within the Bardo of Animals. It was honestly sophomoric, but nevertheless fascinating. Has Baron-Cohen read the TBotD?
Over all as I was listening it felt that Baron-Cohen was refilling the rhetoric of the Changeling Child. Somehow describing that we cannot connect to other humans because we are blind to their mental state is almost saying that we are "Other" or "Not human". Haven't we evolve past the 11 century Irish idea that babies are kidnapped by sidhe? Apparently not, the discourse of TOM continues to burn the bridge that autistic people are humans. Instead...I feel that TOM continues to paint us as constructs...false people.
Golems.
Bard Out.
Theory of mind seems to be the new "explanation" to describe autistic people. It shiny and bright and full of sophomoric reasoning that grasps the populace and continues sadly the stigma of having a alter-wired brain. I will be discussing TOM (theory of mind) and how it's simply a rehashing of the old tropes that pervaded within the autism culture.
Yesterday afternoon, I was with my ASAN chapter, we spent the afternoon going around campus passing out flyers and groaning at Autspk's 1-110 lawn posters As much as I wanted to pull them out, I realized that would look bad on us so we and our chapter ran around combating ignorance the best we could. Later that afternoon we were invited to the lecture by John Duffy from Notre Dame. The lecture was wonderful and invoking (and there was pita and humus!) which inspired this essay.
Acoording to Wikipedia Theory of Mind states this
Theory of mind is the ability to attribute mental states—beliefs, intents, desires, pretending, knowledge, etc.—to oneself and others and to understand that others have beliefs, desires and intentions that are different from one's own.[1] Though there are philosophical approaches to issues raised in such discussions, theory of mind as such is distinct from the philosophy of mind.
The idea is that autists have lack of this TOM or a very damaged one. With this we are quote "mindblind". Baron-Cohen idea that autistic people are mindblind brings up an anthropological context that to me is interesting. I believe everyone is rather mindblind, when it comes to cultural imperialism. We tend to assume that our culture is grand and great and over throwing a native culture is best and beneficial. We see this with White Privilege and 1st World Privileged people who think that doing missionary work or working in the deep urban areas is act of charity. That everyone should be like them and that if black people work hard enough they can escape the ghettos and have white collar jobs like them. Privileged people unfortunately are blind to the racist infrastructure that binds POC and makes it's difficult to escape. Even if they do escape, they will be discriminated for acting "white". Cultural Mindblindness is quite common.
Even Religious mindblindess. I mean look a the Christian church? They all believe that the majority of atheists, pagans, agnostics really want to be saved. Many are fiercely ignorant of said religions and that feeds into their asinine beliefs of what they really are.
Baron-Cohen uses dividing language according John Duffy, to polarize. Even though Baron-Cohen continues to backpeddle all the damn time (u guise this very simple graph I madeded isn't simple...u guiiiise? Ok I don't think he talks like a lolcat I just did it for satirical fun) One of the things I noticed the idealism that Autistics were are mindblind in the same context of say chimpanzees and other animals. I kinda lifted my eyebrow at this because I felt like this was familiar. Suddenly it occurred to me. Doesn't that sound like something out of the Tibetan Book of the Dead? I remember reading the TBotD one afternoon and reading about the bardo or realm of animals that even though animals have emotions they lack humor (In the TBotD). This is a Buddhist concept but it seems to resonate with me when was listening to John Duffy. I don't know why but I made a connection to the idea that we're mindblind like animals to the idea that human soul got stuck within the Bardo of Animals. It was honestly sophomoric, but nevertheless fascinating. Has Baron-Cohen read the TBotD?
Over all as I was listening it felt that Baron-Cohen was refilling the rhetoric of the Changeling Child. Somehow describing that we cannot connect to other humans because we are blind to their mental state is almost saying that we are "Other" or "Not human". Haven't we evolve past the 11 century Irish idea that babies are kidnapped by sidhe? Apparently not, the discourse of TOM continues to burn the bridge that autistic people are humans. Instead...I feel that TOM continues to paint us as constructs...false people.
Golems.
Bard Out.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
I am feeling stimmy
My brain wants to write but I can't seem to organize the squirming octopus which is my creativity.
So I was wondering if I could have some audience participation? Basically I will write one two paragraphs with Tikaani as my main focus and you all can shoot me some "prompts' Which can be one word like "Circle" or a link to a song or a idea like "Tikaani speaking for the first time or his first kiss." Something like that and I will write about it.
Hopefully this will keep me stimulated.
So I was wondering if I could have some audience participation? Basically I will write one two paragraphs with Tikaani as my main focus and you all can shoot me some "prompts' Which can be one word like "Circle" or a link to a song or a idea like "Tikaani speaking for the first time or his first kiss." Something like that and I will write about it.
Hopefully this will keep me stimulated.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Welcome Home
I had an idea few weeks ago...I am still fleshing it out but I want to shoot the idea here for some of my readers.
The Odysseus House
Basically it's a house off of OSU campus that is a transitional home for ASD adults. I want it to be fully accessible and open for all types of autists. It's temporary home for adults who need a place to stay (say moving away from parents, looking for a dorm, needing housing for a few months...etc) also a place for adults to practice necessary life skills in an environment that fosters independence. I want it to be a safe place for autists, to be among other autists and not feel forced to be normal in front of everyone. Where stimming is welcome as well as obsessive special interests. It's not a group home so autists are free to come and go when they need to. No one is force to required to stay in the Odysseus House. It's fully welcoming to care-takers or aids for autists. Accommodation of all kinds should be welcomed as long as they are reasonable. The residents work together and use teamwork as well as fostering social skills to solve problems. No one NT should be in charge. It should be home for autists by autists.
So what are people's opinions of this...since my run in with housing limbo, I think it's time for use to grab the reigns and try to make a home for those that need one. So any critiques or ideas?
The Odysseus House
Basically it's a house off of OSU campus that is a transitional home for ASD adults. I want it to be fully accessible and open for all types of autists. It's temporary home for adults who need a place to stay (say moving away from parents, looking for a dorm, needing housing for a few months...etc) also a place for adults to practice necessary life skills in an environment that fosters independence. I want it to be a safe place for autists, to be among other autists and not feel forced to be normal in front of everyone. Where stimming is welcome as well as obsessive special interests. It's not a group home so autists are free to come and go when they need to. No one is force to required to stay in the Odysseus House. It's fully welcoming to care-takers or aids for autists. Accommodation of all kinds should be welcomed as long as they are reasonable. The residents work together and use teamwork as well as fostering social skills to solve problems. No one NT should be in charge. It should be home for autists by autists.
So what are people's opinions of this...since my run in with housing limbo, I think it's time for use to grab the reigns and try to make a home for those that need one. So any critiques or ideas?
Monday, March 22, 2010
AH fuckit!
I am just so pissy today. I just want to break something, scream, stim for hours. I don't feel like eating or drawing really, except for this mood-doodle of Tikaani. I don't know why, but god I just feel like shit.
Rawrrawr!
For those who want a life update, I am off of insurance (BOOO) and I am out of meds (DAMNIT) so I have been taking Tyleno PM to get to sleep. It's lovely side effects is me waking up with upset tummy and drinking pepto. I don't know if I am having withdrawl or I am on my invisible period or I am just being a moody aspie.
My dad is working with Aztec-Zenaca the makers of Seroquel, in an attempt to get me on their drug program so I can get my pills for free. If I pass then I can get the medication I need. I still need to call MR/DD and ask for an appeal since I was rejected and then I need to sit down with both my mom and dad and work out some goals for the next year or two.
*grumpgrumpgrump*
I wish I had mom to give me a hug right now. I really need one ):
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