Or. How not to act like a spoiled child in game.
For those that don't know I am a live action role player also known as a LARPer ( yes I am well aware how much of a dork I am playing LARP but it's less boffer LotR and more political intrigue and noir with vampires), I play Vampire the Masquerade . It's super complex and sometimes to understand. I've been playing "Columbus in Darkness" (the name of our game) for almost a year. For an autist, playing a very heavy social game like LARP and one that is very very political in nature. Is severely tasking and I've been known to meltdown after game. It can be hell for some, but I actually love it. LARPing has been teaching me to better read facial expressions, make better eye contact and dare I say it? Learn to lie more effectively.
But I am not hear telling people how useful drama classes are or more political games like VtM for learning better passing skills. This is a caveat to players especially autists who come into a new game unprepared and very ignorant of how the game works.
And make total asses of themselves.
Enter "Karen", she is my age and probably on the spectrum (according to her) she definitely has a quirks and some social impairments. I know her actually from the Gender Variant and Queer support group that I go to once a month. She is trans like myself and I can empathize with transitioning being very very exhausting. Never the less, Karen entered the game and I was totally excited to have my characters meet hers. I play two characters, a Gangrel named Spyke.. I also play Larkin, a Toreador .
I was excited to see Karen's character concept. Was she gonna play a Malkavian, the mentally unstable, but mentally complex clan of vampires? Maybe a one of mage-clan vampires the Tremere. There was just so many paths to choose and I was excited for her. So I was kinda confused when she chose a caitiff or a clanless vampire. Now, for those that don't quiet catch it. Playing a clanless vampire in our game (we play the Camarilla sect) is pretty risky for brand new players. They are hard to play because Kindred (vampire) society looks down on them. They are considered garbage, trash, unworthy of the blood. They are hard for new players because of a sizable stigma on them and screwing up because you're still new to the game could get your character killed.
More or less, playing a caitiff is for more experience players who know the genre and the game well (despite everyone telling her, this was a bad idea and she needs to know what she is doing)
So Karen was playing a caitiff, well I kinda laughed at first thinking she was obviously pretty versed with genre, and has done this before. I also thought she had a big plan with this character. Gee was I wrong.
She was obviously PAINFULLY new to the genre of Vampire the Masquerade. She made a lot of newbie mistakes which was fine because you're totally allowed to fuck up as you go. I did that with Spyke a lot (now my excuse that Spyke was a feral vampire that came to Columbus after her mentor was brutally killed), however unlike Karen, I learned my mistakes, I learned the game. It was hard, tasking and overwhelming at points. Generally first time characters survive for about three months. I was surprised when Spyke lasted triple that time. So I knew "Theresa" was not going to last long in game. I don't think Karen understood that.
Anyway, it was apparent that Karen as a player had poor manners, and didn't understand why she was bugging people. She interrupted conversations (in and out of character), she wore blazers, but didn't cross her legs or keep them closed which was kinda gross for someone in a short skirt. She didn't try to make friends out of character, so everyone saw her as a stranger. Her own character screwed up A LOT, everything from insulting characters and getting crap knocked out of her (in game of course) and having bad manners all around (claiming to be professional and then walk around with a two liter bottle of cows blood doesn't really work, also telling folks you drink cows blood is like telling vegetarians you love eating meat and you don't understand why you guys would just eat plants. It's rude). The top it all off, if Theresa was new to Kindred society people wouldn't have been hard on her. The deal was, Karen made her already a member of the sect that we played (Camarilla) so her character should know all the rules of society and have proper manner for interacting. Making her screw ups FAR more grievous than if she was recently embraced (turned into a vampire). More or less Theresa was going to be killed for screwing up too much, and we thought that it would be lesson learned and Karen would make a character more appropriate for a new player and continue to play. Shit happens right?
I was again wrong.
Last night as I came in, I found Karen by the sign in table. She looked stiff (she always does) and seemed to be waiting for something. So greeted her:
Me: Hey Karen, did you sign in? :D
Karen: No I am leaving the LARP for good :| I am just here to tell that to STs (Storytellers they are kinda like the moderators of the game)
Me: D: aww, I am sorry, well good luck then
And instead of just leaving she hung around waiting for my boyfriend to show up so she can give him her contact info (he didn't until much later but she left leaving me her info). I didn't know why she couldn't email the STs or something. I didn't bother to ask why she was leaving. Though I had a sneaking suspicion.
Before game day, Bonnie's character Ryan wrote a scathing letter to Theresa for her misbehavior during very very important event. Now I must remind my readers, this is all RP this isn't really Bonnie has no issues with Karen, however her character hates Theresa. What I found out later that night, is that is why Karen left the game. She didn't know about the letter until that night. She decided, instead of handing the situation with grace, to throw a fit like a child. She insulted the players, the game and generally made a stink of it. And then flounced off.
Here is the tally for those that are keeping score
-She is playing a very DIFFICULT character not one for new players
-She is new to game and doesn't know all the rules and doesn't ask for help
-Her character continue to make the same mistakes over and over wearing everyone's patience down.
-She decides people suck and she acts like a child when she realizes that this isn't her cup of tea.
Conclusion: I have absolutely no sympathy for her and I hope the doesn't come back until she matures as person an as a player.
Folks this isn't about RP. This long TL;DR example is what it means to have personal responsibility. You do not go into something without knowing the consequences. You learn from your mistakes and be accountable for your actions. We tried to help Karen, we gave her advice, we told her how to access the STs for help get on the IC and OOC email lists. We wanted Karen to be a cool and valued player, but she never took a step back and said:
"This really isn't my cup of tea, I don't think I like LARPing...I am gonna quit sorry and good luck to folks"
or
"I am having trouble with this, I think it's best if I retired Theresa and play a more flexible character."
or
"I am taking a break for a few weeks, just to clear my head."
Instead once she realized she couldn't cut it. She blamed everyone else and acted liked it was our fault that her character was getting her ass kicked. Dude....you signed up for this. We even threw you a lifesaver. This is immature, willful and pretty damn typical.
Especially for autists.
I've seen this behavior in AFF and several blogs. So the question is raised. When is it justified to hold the actions of NTs, and the government accountable to misfortunes, personal or public, and when it is appropriate to take accountability for oneself and be change that you would like to see? The problem is that I see lot of autists blame NT parents, teachers, spouses, their disability the government. I don't see a lot of autists taking a step back an realize that they could improve things themselves but be responsible and changing their own behavior. Understanding ones flaws is a sign of maturity. Realizing that some behaviors can't have the "autism card" pulled on when being called on (IE: I know an AFF member who harassed his female co-workers, he used his autism and them being NT and not "understand" as a excuse" ). Realizing some shit isn't cool an working to change it is important. It's not being "submissive" to NTs (as one autist accused me off), it's about realizing that being an asshole isn't an autistic symptom.
A good autists realizes that sexually harassing co-workers, making racists comments, crying wolf when "trolls" are really people that disagree with you, is inappropriate and seeks to correct behaviors without blaming people or one's autism.
A good LARPer would realize playing very difficult character is a bad idea with inexperience and will play something easier to learn the game
A superb RPer would turn the caitiff into a Ventrue that doesn't know she is clanless, make her in charge of several Non-profits be a totally HBIC, give her some awesome influences and abilities and finds out that she is clanless and totally freaks the fuck out!
What that's what I would do if I played Theresa.....
Tikaani
The mascot of Prism*Song
Monday, July 11, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
The Advantages of Self-DX
Ok admittedly I have been avoiding this topic for years, because I am pretty passionate (read: an asshole) when it comes to the topic of Self-DX. However, I thought this would be something to approached, especially when I have been talking about NT privilege.
There is a an advantage to being Self-DX. It's one that is seen and talked about with in the community but only non-directly. I've seen it commented as being a "Stealth Aspie" being not on the books, or records. Passing well enough without a lot of suspicion. What this really is. Is NT Privilege.
That the advantage of being Self-DX, you have personal label but not one that strips you of your infrastructural status as an NT. The government, local, state and so forth, sees you as an "NT". You don't need, the county's DD (developmental disability) services, BVR or Disability Medicaid or SSI. According to the government you're normal.
This is a massive advantage to folks with a self-DX, they can live their lives carrying the autistic label and suffer none of the community backlash. This is why they tout being a "stealth aspie" this is why many discourage autists on getting a clinical DX. Keep the label, keep the privilege.
Now I am not arguing the the validity of self-DX (especially online), this is not the forum for it (besides that's a clusterfuck of topic). Yet I understand why self-dx is appeasing for folks. Why would you willingly strip the advantages of being "NT" to gain a diagnosis that would haunt you? One that would make getting employed impossible, getting services hard and walking around with a social ghost haunting you.
Self-dx, can have their cake and eat it too. The rest of us that are on the books, can only look at the yummy NT Privilege cake but never eat it.
Something to be aware of Self-DX....
There is a an advantage to being Self-DX. It's one that is seen and talked about with in the community but only non-directly. I've seen it commented as being a "Stealth Aspie" being not on the books, or records. Passing well enough without a lot of suspicion. What this really is. Is NT Privilege.
That the advantage of being Self-DX, you have personal label but not one that strips you of your infrastructural status as an NT. The government, local, state and so forth, sees you as an "NT". You don't need, the county's DD (developmental disability) services, BVR or Disability Medicaid or SSI. According to the government you're normal.
This is a massive advantage to folks with a self-DX, they can live their lives carrying the autistic label and suffer none of the community backlash. This is why they tout being a "stealth aspie" this is why many discourage autists on getting a clinical DX. Keep the label, keep the privilege.
Now I am not arguing the the validity of self-DX (especially online), this is not the forum for it (besides that's a clusterfuck of topic). Yet I understand why self-dx is appeasing for folks. Why would you willingly strip the advantages of being "NT" to gain a diagnosis that would haunt you? One that would make getting employed impossible, getting services hard and walking around with a social ghost haunting you.
Self-dx, can have their cake and eat it too. The rest of us that are on the books, can only look at the yummy NT Privilege cake but never eat it.
Something to be aware of Self-DX....
Monday, June 20, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Save the Retards
It's like Save the Whales for slactivists.
Oh a look a heavy political post for once yay!
Anyway, I think it's apparent on how much the pro-cure aspect of Aut-politics really makes me want to long hot shower and try to wash the disgust off my back. I see the common theme of Pro-cure activism something that is very similar to this:
(Trigger Warning: Emotional content)
Ah yes, sad depressing music with a starving probably exploited black child telling white people that they should save the black child because it's your responsibility to save third world brown/black children. The underlining message is simple, black people in third world countries need while people to save them. It's in every AIDS ad every anti-war protest. It's imperialism in the guise of charity.
Autism Politics does the same thing
It rallies NT (white, middle class NTs) to be "aware" of Autism, to save the poor lost children of this "epidemic" they use the same tools, sad music and feeling of grave seriousness. Because your son could have autism. I kinda wanna go outside listen to some Daft Punk and smoke weed. A buzz could totally kill this depressive shit.
It adds on to the Otherness that aut-adults feel as well as the stigmatization that AutSpks often shoves on them. They are tragedies needed to be saved by the smart rich white NTs. It's repeatedly shoved into our heads both by media and by doctors. The idea we need a Jesus is something that I actively protest. It's the perfect example of NT privilege, the idea that they the personal Jesus of some five year old autistic boy and that their donations and volunteering would "save them" It's gross and it's why pro cure often love playing victim around aut-adults who firmly decry the arch-angelism that NT activists seem to exude. It makes them look like bless saints while we are the poor "ignorant savages" needed to be evangelized and converted. I heard this story before? Didn't everyone die of smallpox?
NT privilege is like most majority statuses, people are oblivious to it and not even aware they have it. Self-Dx I am sure know they have it, hence their avoidance on getting diagnosed. I don't blame them anymore, no one wants their NT privilege taken away. People so unaware of their NT status have a hard time seeing the herohttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gific bullshit that AutSpks propagates. To them it makes sense, after all? Don't we donate money to Cancer, AIDS, Muscular Dystrophy? To them we are another philanthropic venture unto white middle-class patronization.
It's this heroism that's really hurting self-advocates. Not bad policies, charity-corps, or vulnerable parents lashing out at the turn of fate that they didn't want. They are symptoms of a the real problem and why self-advocacy is struggling.
Can you see? They want to save the retards.
Melanie's article is good example of the mindset that most of use are breastfeed on. It's one of the most tiring concepts I've ever dealt with. And every time we profess anger and indignation over being told that they just want to help us, we are whip-lashed with guilt and sheepish remorse. Like we should feel ashamed for being self-reliant. Our identity is being used as a marketing tool and being against this is somehow "terrible" and we are "bad" for saying "We are not your poster children." Self-advocates are being under attacked by Pro-cure NTs calling us fakes and posers, not really autistic and so forth. They are attacking us because we're removing their "hero high" from them. The feeling of being a hero or a superman to their child/sibling/friend/patient etc. I swear it gives them some sort of thrill when they go to walks or fund-drives. Like they think that they are really saving the word. To have a self-advocate tell you, your oppressing us and continuing the discrimination and stigma...wow it does really kill your buzz. No wonder Pro-cures get cranky when we tell them the truth. It is a buzz kill.
It all comes down to egotism, and frankly it's time to kill some egos.
You're not our Jesus.
Oh a look a heavy political post for once yay!
Anyway, I think it's apparent on how much the pro-cure aspect of Aut-politics really makes me want to long hot shower and try to wash the disgust off my back. I see the common theme of Pro-cure activism something that is very similar to this:
(Trigger Warning: Emotional content)
Ah yes, sad depressing music with a starving probably exploited black child telling white people that they should save the black child because it's your responsibility to save third world brown/black children. The underlining message is simple, black people in third world countries need while people to save them. It's in every AIDS ad every anti-war protest. It's imperialism in the guise of charity.
Autism Politics does the same thing
It rallies NT (white, middle class NTs) to be "aware" of Autism, to save the poor lost children of this "epidemic" they use the same tools, sad music and feeling of grave seriousness. Because your son could have autism. I kinda wanna go outside listen to some Daft Punk and smoke weed. A buzz could totally kill this depressive shit.
It adds on to the Otherness that aut-adults feel as well as the stigmatization that AutSpks often shoves on them. They are tragedies needed to be saved by the smart rich white NTs. It's repeatedly shoved into our heads both by media and by doctors. The idea we need a Jesus is something that I actively protest. It's the perfect example of NT privilege, the idea that they the personal Jesus of some five year old autistic boy and that their donations and volunteering would "save them" It's gross and it's why pro cure often love playing victim around aut-adults who firmly decry the arch-angelism that NT activists seem to exude. It makes them look like bless saints while we are the poor "ignorant savages" needed to be evangelized and converted. I heard this story before? Didn't everyone die of smallpox?
NT privilege is like most majority statuses, people are oblivious to it and not even aware they have it. Self-Dx I am sure know they have it, hence their avoidance on getting diagnosed. I don't blame them anymore, no one wants their NT privilege taken away. People so unaware of their NT status have a hard time seeing the herohttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gific bullshit that AutSpks propagates. To them it makes sense, after all? Don't we donate money to Cancer, AIDS, Muscular Dystrophy? To them we are another philanthropic venture unto white middle-class patronization.
It's this heroism that's really hurting self-advocates. Not bad policies, charity-corps, or vulnerable parents lashing out at the turn of fate that they didn't want. They are symptoms of a the real problem and why self-advocacy is struggling.
Can you see? They want to save the retards.
Melanie's article is good example of the mindset that most of use are breastfeed on. It's one of the most tiring concepts I've ever dealt with. And every time we profess anger and indignation over being told that they just want to help us, we are whip-lashed with guilt and sheepish remorse. Like we should feel ashamed for being self-reliant. Our identity is being used as a marketing tool and being against this is somehow "terrible" and we are "bad" for saying "We are not your poster children." Self-advocates are being under attacked by Pro-cure NTs calling us fakes and posers, not really autistic and so forth. They are attacking us because we're removing their "hero high" from them. The feeling of being a hero or a superman to their child/sibling/friend/patient etc. I swear it gives them some sort of thrill when they go to walks or fund-drives. Like they think that they are really saving the word. To have a self-advocate tell you, your oppressing us and continuing the discrimination and stigma...wow it does really kill your buzz. No wonder Pro-cures get cranky when we tell them the truth. It is a buzz kill.
It all comes down to egotism, and frankly it's time to kill some egos.
You're not our Jesus.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Thoughts on "Horse Boy"
I heard about this book months ago at the library, and the premised sounded interesting. Of course I did lift a huge eyebrow on a shamanic horseback ride in Mongolia with their autistic son. That made me go "Oh. White people."
Hate it when privilege families do this crap.
I do have my linger doubts about this movie as an autist and one that is also a shamanic path. I am curious to see how much of this is hokey New Age and White privilege and how much of it is genuine love and an acceptance with a dash of spiritualism.
Now, I will say, I find horse-back riding to be powerfully soothing and it's probably the only natural talent I have, it doesn't make my symptoms go away, but it does allow me to think, and be as I am. I could give up all my meds, to be riding regularly again. I miss riding a lot.
The beginning of course starts off with the typical 'Autism ruin us and our child blah blah we tried everything blah blah nothing work, we were desperate." I wasn't terribly intrigued with that.
Though hearing Rupert go on about how Rowan was calmer and opened up to him on horse back was kinda interesting, I thought to myself "Hippotherapy could be us-oh." Then he mentioned he wanted use shamanic healing because he had experience with it when he was in Africa. Oh. Well. At least his wife had some common sense. But they did decide to go Mongolia to travel on horse back to he shaman after shamanand being crazy white people with shit tons of money Christ
They give this kid Valtrex really. Oh they believe in the "Heavy Metals" shit. Great....
I have to admit though, the drumming by the shamans sound like a horse galloping, I was getting really into it. However I kinda rolled my eyes, as they describe that the spirit of Kristin's grandmother was on Rowan, according to the shamans and she is bi-polar, and trying to "take their son away?" Good God.
Quote: "I had to ask myself, did really have his best interest at heart? Was I terrible father?"
Oh Jesus Christ on a Cracker. You dragged our autistic kid to Mongolia. For whacky shamanic crap and you decide that this time was good idea to matyrize. Spirits of the earth...please help me.
Well at least Rowan got use to the shamanic ritual and chilled out, nice adjustment little bro, however I kinda felt bad for Tomo the little Mongolian boy who seemed put off by Rowan. However his interaction with him is endearing and seeing him doing more play with him is nice. Maybe I am jealous because I played by myself and I never liked playing with others. Mostly because I jut got sick of being the "retard".
Though the whole thing with auties being one of the reason humanity is successful is nice little ego boost. THANKS TEMPLE! Rowan is supper cute with the goats though. However when he reject the horse-riding I did feel for Rupert a bit. But...At the same time. Why didn't Rupert let Rowan easy himself on the horse? Let Rowan get to know his partner? It felt like the forced him on the horse. It was bit...jarring.
Eventually Rowan did calm himself while riding and I think this line touched me
Quote:" I am a better father because of his autism." Awww that is kinda cute.
The part of the reindeer herders that live on the Siberian border, is kinda...cute. Over all I was expecting the same, spiritual mumbo jumbo. What I got was something that didn't surprise me, but still made me happy. The reindeer herder believed that Rowan could be a shaman in the future. This brought a grin to my face, because it's common for some indigenous cultures to believe autists could be shamans and that they are different because they are more spiritually attuned to the earth. Personally I rather take that tripe over poisons by vaccines. As a shaman myself, this is kinda encouraging.
Near the end, the shaman said to Rupert and Kristin, that Rowan's incontinence and meltdowns will go away immediately, after he finished healing him. I lifted an eyebrow. Yeah he maybe potty trained, but the meltdowns won't go away. However just as I expected, he was bathrooming on his own and there were more shots of him being chilled than tired and cranky. Oh ok. Was it the power of the shaman, or Rowan learning to adapt? I be the family believes the former...*shrug* I did like the prayer that Rupert gave was to intergration and understanding than a cure. Not bad.
Over all the movie was...meh. I was more annoyed at the privlege of the family than anything else. At least the movie pushed the, "Accept not cure" idea. Which was at least reassuring. Rupert said his son is still autistic but lost all the suffering that came with it and moved passed the emotional and physical incontinence through shamanism. I am still waiting for my shamanic miracle as I pray and listen to the sprirts, but then again. I don't need a miracle.
3 and half hand-flaps.
Hate it when privilege families do this crap.
I do have my linger doubts about this movie as an autist and one that is also a shamanic path. I am curious to see how much of this is hokey New Age and White privilege and how much of it is genuine love and an acceptance with a dash of spiritualism.
Now, I will say, I find horse-back riding to be powerfully soothing and it's probably the only natural talent I have, it doesn't make my symptoms go away, but it does allow me to think, and be as I am. I could give up all my meds, to be riding regularly again. I miss riding a lot.
The beginning of course starts off with the typical 'Autism ruin us and our child blah blah we tried everything blah blah nothing work, we were desperate." I wasn't terribly intrigued with that.
Though hearing Rupert go on about how Rowan was calmer and opened up to him on horse back was kinda interesting, I thought to myself "Hippotherapy could be us-oh." Then he mentioned he wanted use shamanic healing because he had experience with it when he was in Africa. Oh. Well. At least his wife had some common sense. But they did decide to go Mongolia to travel on horse back to he shaman after shaman
They give this kid Valtrex really. Oh they believe in the "Heavy Metals" shit. Great....
I have to admit though, the drumming by the shamans sound like a horse galloping, I was getting really into it. However I kinda rolled my eyes, as they describe that the spirit of Kristin's grandmother was on Rowan, according to the shamans and she is bi-polar, and trying to "take their son away?" Good God.
Quote: "I had to ask myself, did really have his best interest at heart? Was I terrible father?"
Oh Jesus Christ on a Cracker. You dragged our autistic kid to Mongolia. For whacky shamanic crap and you decide that this time was good idea to matyrize. Spirits of the earth...please help me.
Well at least Rowan got use to the shamanic ritual and chilled out, nice adjustment little bro, however I kinda felt bad for Tomo the little Mongolian boy who seemed put off by Rowan. However his interaction with him is endearing and seeing him doing more play with him is nice. Maybe I am jealous because I played by myself and I never liked playing with others. Mostly because I jut got sick of being the "retard".
Though the whole thing with auties being one of the reason humanity is successful is nice little ego boost. THANKS TEMPLE! Rowan is supper cute with the goats though. However when he reject the horse-riding I did feel for Rupert a bit. But...At the same time. Why didn't Rupert let Rowan easy himself on the horse? Let Rowan get to know his partner? It felt like the forced him on the horse. It was bit...jarring.
Eventually Rowan did calm himself while riding and I think this line touched me
Quote:" I am a better father because of his autism." Awww that is kinda cute.
The part of the reindeer herders that live on the Siberian border, is kinda...cute. Over all I was expecting the same, spiritual mumbo jumbo. What I got was something that didn't surprise me, but still made me happy. The reindeer herder believed that Rowan could be a shaman in the future. This brought a grin to my face, because it's common for some indigenous cultures to believe autists could be shamans and that they are different because they are more spiritually attuned to the earth. Personally I rather take that tripe over poisons by vaccines. As a shaman myself, this is kinda encouraging.
Near the end, the shaman said to Rupert and Kristin, that Rowan's incontinence and meltdowns will go away immediately, after he finished healing him. I lifted an eyebrow. Yeah he maybe potty trained, but the meltdowns won't go away. However just as I expected, he was bathrooming on his own and there were more shots of him being chilled than tired and cranky. Oh ok. Was it the power of the shaman, or Rowan learning to adapt? I be the family believes the former...*shrug* I did like the prayer that Rupert gave was to intergration and understanding than a cure. Not bad.
Over all the movie was...meh. I was more annoyed at the privlege of the family than anything else. At least the movie pushed the, "Accept not cure" idea. Which was at least reassuring. Rupert said his son is still autistic but lost all the suffering that came with it and moved passed the emotional and physical incontinence through shamanism. I am still waiting for my shamanic miracle as I pray and listen to the sprirts, but then again. I don't need a miracle.
3 and half hand-flaps.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Speaking in Drakk part duex
I know I know it's been a month since I've updated, I can expla-no never mind. I can't. I was actually to lazy to update. That. And I have boyfriend now. So I have been madly in love and oblivious to autism politics. I might also co-mod AFF (cue screaming) to help out Richard who is one of the admins.
Dear God. Save me now.
Speaking of praying to supposed deities. This brings up my topic today. I am planning to come out to my mom (again...cue more screaming), this is not going to be easy at all and honestly it's probably going to be the most stressful conversatiohttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifns I am going to have with my mom (this makes telling my mom I am going to live with Patrick seem like a cakehttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif-walk now). Because of this stress I will fall into the violent spiral of Communication Hell, and I won't make DAMN sense on what I am trying to explain to my mom.
This seems to happen a lot to aspies and auties and really...it's the unmasking of passing NT. Get us upset or flustered, language skills go POOF. It is apparent when I start getting into a discussion with someone that I either loose speech or my speech become convoluted. It's hard to have a conversation when I am upset because most NTs struggle to understand what I am saying and they get frustrated and then...everyone is angry.
It's like one of my drakkhani speaking their language to a human that knows it, but is still learning it. When upset the conversation ends up like this:
I could tell Taajah is frustrated, his head is lowered and his face is grim. I tried to ask him in English what's wrong, instead I got a response in Drakk. He flicked his tail and wiggled his ears, the barks and sharp word-clicks made the sentence hard to understand, I replied with a note of confusion in Drakk, I got a more growly response, changing the sentence again. At this point I just backed off. I can't understand Taahaj when he is angry.
Words become harder to understand when I am upset. Langauge almost changes. I have to find a way to keep myself from being upset...or have my sister play translator.
Dear God. Save me now.
Speaking of praying to supposed deities. This brings up my topic today. I am planning to come out to my mom (again...cue more screaming), this is not going to be easy at all and honestly it's probably going to be the most stressful conversatiohttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifns I am going to have with my mom (this makes telling my mom I am going to live with Patrick seem like a cakehttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif-walk now). Because of this stress I will fall into the violent spiral of Communication Hell, and I won't make DAMN sense on what I am trying to explain to my mom.
This seems to happen a lot to aspies and auties and really...it's the unmasking of passing NT. Get us upset or flustered, language skills go POOF. It is apparent when I start getting into a discussion with someone that I either loose speech or my speech become convoluted. It's hard to have a conversation when I am upset because most NTs struggle to understand what I am saying and they get frustrated and then...everyone is angry.
It's like one of my drakkhani speaking their language to a human that knows it, but is still learning it. When upset the conversation ends up like this:
I could tell Taajah is frustrated, his head is lowered and his face is grim. I tried to ask him in English what's wrong, instead I got a response in Drakk. He flicked his tail and wiggled his ears, the barks and sharp word-clicks made the sentence hard to understand, I replied with a note of confusion in Drakk, I got a more growly response, changing the sentence again. At this point I just backed off. I can't understand Taahaj when he is angry.
Words become harder to understand when I am upset. Langauge almost changes. I have to find a way to keep myself from being upset...or have my sister play translator.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Juxtaposition
It's becoming interesting on how my disability permeates my life. How it's presents covers my everyday living. I have been pushing pasted the old barriers of my autism and continue to walk forward, and find new limits and eventually move pass them. It's a constant cycle of learning, adaptation and acceptance.
It's that acceptance that allowed me to realize something important about myself. I am not really female. I never felt happy being a woman, I do not truly hate my body however, and my dysphoria is mild compared to other trans males. But the acceptance of one aspect of myself allowed me to accept another aspect and thus I started on the path of juxtaposition. Passing as an NT and passing as a man.
Being NT and being a man are very different concepts of passing. NT is not a choice, being NT is a survival behavior an act of adaptation that is needed for independence. It's funny now passing as a man is not about survival but the purest nature of acceptance of oneself. It's exposing, unearthing my real self to the public and revealing in it's freedom. That being said I am not ready for hormonal treatment or maybe I will never go through with hormonal transitioning. It's up the air, but now that I feel much more comfortable as a trans male. It made me realize why it too so long. It had to do with passing as an NT.
As I stated earlier being NT isn't unearthing oneself and finding joy in letting go of a mask. Never wearing it again. Being NT is about putting on the mask. It's about lying, beguiling the rest of NT society. The idea of mask wearing of making sure my true autie nature didn't bleed through is what kept me from realizing that passing as a woman wasn't making me happy. But I had to pretend to be female to use my woman body to fit in. I kept making excuses to why I wasn't happy as a woman. I am really bigendered, I am mostly male but I am female too. They were excuses. Rationalizations because coming to grips with the fact I am a man was very tedious process. It was cathartic when I did finally start identifying and accepting the fact I am a man. It was a relief. The acceptance of my autism has becoming a blueprint to accepting and living as a trans-man. I found other autists that are trans male they became role models. The process was long and going against the lessons I learned as mask wearing autist. Yet now, it's done.
As a child, you learn from a young age that no body wants you to be yourself. No body wants you to be who you are. When people tell you, "it's ok to be you" it's a social lie. Being who you are when you are born different, autistic, learning-disabled, gay, trans, inter-sexed, deaf etc, is dangerous. Look at the countless people that have committed suicide over their difference. Human culture doesn't want diversity, they don't want acceptance. They want conformity under the lie that diversity is ok. They want people to feel comfy that it's ok to be different, or that...their difference is ok while the others are not. It's vile. We grow up being told one thing and then the opposite. No wonder everything is such a clusterfuck, how can we move forward with social progress when everything is so juxtaposed. How can we create a society that will not harm countless of children with different identities when we have such polar concepts? How can we cry that we love diversity and that it is good when at the same time when abusing and oppressing anything that is diverse? It's a paradox.
And one that will eventually undo us.
It's that acceptance that allowed me to realize something important about myself. I am not really female. I never felt happy being a woman, I do not truly hate my body however, and my dysphoria is mild compared to other trans males. But the acceptance of one aspect of myself allowed me to accept another aspect and thus I started on the path of juxtaposition. Passing as an NT and passing as a man.
Being NT and being a man are very different concepts of passing. NT is not a choice, being NT is a survival behavior an act of adaptation that is needed for independence. It's funny now passing as a man is not about survival but the purest nature of acceptance of oneself. It's exposing, unearthing my real self to the public and revealing in it's freedom. That being said I am not ready for hormonal treatment or maybe I will never go through with hormonal transitioning. It's up the air, but now that I feel much more comfortable as a trans male. It made me realize why it too so long. It had to do with passing as an NT.
As I stated earlier being NT isn't unearthing oneself and finding joy in letting go of a mask. Never wearing it again. Being NT is about putting on the mask. It's about lying, beguiling the rest of NT society. The idea of mask wearing of making sure my true autie nature didn't bleed through is what kept me from realizing that passing as a woman wasn't making me happy. But I had to pretend to be female to use my woman body to fit in. I kept making excuses to why I wasn't happy as a woman. I am really bigendered, I am mostly male but I am female too. They were excuses. Rationalizations because coming to grips with the fact I am a man was very tedious process. It was cathartic when I did finally start identifying and accepting the fact I am a man. It was a relief. The acceptance of my autism has becoming a blueprint to accepting and living as a trans-man. I found other autists that are trans male they became role models. The process was long and going against the lessons I learned as mask wearing autist. Yet now, it's done.
As a child, you learn from a young age that no body wants you to be yourself. No body wants you to be who you are. When people tell you, "it's ok to be you" it's a social lie. Being who you are when you are born different, autistic, learning-disabled, gay, trans, inter-sexed, deaf etc, is dangerous. Look at the countless people that have committed suicide over their difference. Human culture doesn't want diversity, they don't want acceptance. They want conformity under the lie that diversity is ok. They want people to feel comfy that it's ok to be different, or that...their difference is ok while the others are not. It's vile. We grow up being told one thing and then the opposite. No wonder everything is such a clusterfuck, how can we move forward with social progress when everything is so juxtaposed. How can we create a society that will not harm countless of children with different identities when we have such polar concepts? How can we cry that we love diversity and that it is good when at the same time when abusing and oppressing anything that is diverse? It's a paradox.
And one that will eventually undo us.
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