Does this Unit have a Soul?

One of my more recent addictions lately has been lately the Mass Effect Trilogy that you can play on Xbox. It follows a very "choose your own" adventure sort of story where your choices do have certain consequences (Before anyone starts I don't want wank about the ending), it's enticing to me as I play through discovering planets, aliens and re-discovering a genre that I love but don't find a lot of good material on it, "Space Opera".

In the first game the big bad was a race of sentient machines called the geth. For the player they are simply crazy robots bent on destroying everything. In the second game we meet a character called Legion who explains a bit about the geth and their perspective on things as well as their view point on why the rose up against their creators the Quarians.

We have seen this song and dance before. This is an old trope done before, where machines fight against their masters and we must destroy them before they kill everything. In some cases with androids or robots, the Velveteen Rabbit trope is used to make them more approachable to humans. Over all this is nothing new and it borders on cliche even. But the whole idea of Legion recalling the memories of many geth that he stores and explains the situation in his perspective is kind fascinating and something I look forward too when I get to that part of the plot.

The reason I bring this up is because androids and robots seem parallel autistics in a sense. Writers use similar tropes to portray us. The "Autistic Killer" echos a bit of about a crazed machine that goes haywire and snaps and kills it's masters. The love of a NT woman to normalize and Autistic man is another echo on the idea the love of a human woman can give humanity to a machine. Autistics have been used lately to be the new "android" metaphor, it's common in films like Adam and books like House Rules that the autistic is used to be a figure for something that is uncanny and not truly human. It's the idea that autistics are so familiar or so foreign or so tragic that they are more like robots than people. The reader gets to know the autistic as outsider or Other. NT writers tend to write autistics as tragic context that needs a happy result for the story to be complete. Other times they come off as plot furniture. This is nothing new or needs repeating, we all know this from various books.

What I am getting at is like the geth writing it's own story without the outside perspective of the Quarians; autistics tend to do the same thing. I find more autistics writing their own novels and stories in their perspective. Their narratives and fiction have more power than the ones written by NTs, because their narratives are from their own collective, their own context. Not one made from guesses or ideas on how autistic should be but rather what they really are. This is interesting to watch as autistics are starting to craft their stories. Regardless of what the rest of community might scoff or say; we are the archivers of our own mythology.

More Than This

I haven't been avoiding this blog....I just have been uninspired

Saviors and Sinners

I haven't been posting a lot lately mostly because I just felt so out of it (FTR I have LJ too that has been neglected as well) and posting hasn't been on my priority list. Well to change that I decided I wanted to put forth a recant of a topic that I like talking about.

-Writing autistic characters

I state this topic a lot, but I approaching this from another side. A side that has been touched a lot but I never really discussed it; and that is writing from the perspective of an non-aut parent. Writers do it a lot to the point of creating a bizarre schism between the main perspective and the alternating one. It's seen with 'House Rules' mostly and even with 'With the Light' there is the same parallel POVs. One reason this happens is because the writer (NT mostly) envisions that that autistic view point is so alien that the reader will never understand and we need an NT guide (the parent) to make sense of it or to have it as the main view point because we certaintly can't focus it on the autistic.

This is frustrating as an autistic person, because while parent focused stories are awesome and full of jazz, the autistic POV stories are few to none, and if done, often have 'translator' character to help the reader. Autistic characters are different to write yes, but they are not impossible to empathize and connect. I got a lot of push-back and arguing from beta readers and ex-RP partners that couldn't relate to Tikaani. I would take it seriously if I didn't work my ass off to make sure Tikaani could be approachable to NT readers. The thing is though I didn't have to make him approachable to NTs at all, I could make him a character for autists alone and tell all the NTs to GTFO. The thing is I wanted Tikaani (and at one point Wilson another autistic character of mine) to be teaching character. To be a reference point for readers, if they can befriend and connect to a fictional character. Maybe connecting to a real autist wouldn't be so tricky.

The deal is that people find it tricky. Enough that most autism narratives (fictional ones and non fic) are all done with parents. Writers never consider the autistic perspective unless they want a "exotic" and "foreign" viewpoint. Autists are never normalize or seen as regular people. They are done either to be "sooo straaaange" or be a character obstacle for the parent to defeat. It's is done time and time again in media. What is really haunting about this. Is that in real life a similar effect is also happen. If I am a non-autistic parent raising an autist. I will get a lot of readers and support. As an autist myself with his blog, non aut readers like to read my blog to 'gawk' or say how 'brave' and 'inspiring' I am. Parents will bring up their kids and compare them to me. In fact in many circles, autistic children have been used as "street cred" measuring sticks. I have seen parents time and time again use their own kids and compare them to an autistic adult to validate adult's DX (Well you seeeeem like my son so you must be on the spectrum) it's mind boggling but common.

The point of this is bring up a fact. Autisitc perspectives in fiction are not "weird" or alien. Writing them and making them relatable is not hard. It says a lot about a culture when and about you, you think you can't relate to me because of my DX.

Kids are not all right

Sunday night I got overloaded badly during CID (LARP I play on Sundays). Wet clothing topped off with too much people sent me into meltdown/shutdown mode. Josh was there playing "aid" as he took me to a secluded booth away from the game area. People had to specifically look for us. Despite the game site being a bar the the spot I was in with Josh was relatively quiet. At that point I had a lot of SIBs and Josh (with my EXPRESSED consent) was keeping me from hitting myself. I was utterly silent for once and just squeezed and let me fall apart.

Then Ryan showed the fuck up. A fellow gamer, that knows I am on the spectrum. He thought it was a good time to berate me and Josh who was hold me tight to keep me from smashing my face on the table. He was an utter ass about it ("This not daycare." "Take that shit outside") and did not GTFO when Josh told him too (I couldn't speak) when finally left...that's when the tears came. We left game early and went home. I never seen Josh so infuriated he actually wanted to hurt someone.

The entire situation left me with a bad taste in my mouth. I marathon game a lot. I play four hours of one game and then do another four. Maybe I should cut down marathon, but despite that the entire situation is why education is important and why it honestly sucks to pass most of the time. Even when you cry for help, people tend to ignore it or down play it.

Gesturing Loudly

Today was my first ASL lesson at the Stonewall Center in Columbus. I have always been interesting in learning a new language, but I have some trouble learning verbal languages as I can't process aural information easily. I could do Latin, but it was less complex than say....learning Welsh (damn those dipthongs) so I want to try to learn ASL. For many reasons, one was to converse with non-speaking people that might rely on ASL as a form of AAC another was to converse with Deaf people and learn about another culture.

Also I want to talk to my friend Jay in his language most importantly.

Perhaps those are all shitty reasons in wanting to learn sign language, but wanting to understand another culture and another perspective is why NTs often interact with autsitics and maybe that is why they struggle.

I've talked to Jay before through text conversations about disability having a disability (Deaf people don't believe to be disabled) and living in a world not quite meant for us. I have had some interesting questions from him. He works with the DD community as a caregiver so when he found out that I was autistic he was curious. He asked me:
What is your functioning level? You are not severe?
I responded back (ignoring how fucking invasive that question is)
It's complex. I have good days when I can understand what is going on and I pass as a typical person well. Then I have days when I am like "rainman" Most of the time I can pass as typical. I have to. It's over whelming and tiring.
It's interesting when I talked to him. I saw a lot of parallels with Deaf culture and the sprouting autistic culture. He empathized with me, I saw in his eyes was we talked on a sheet of paper in the coffee house one Wednesday. I really understand Jay sometimes. I am not Deaf, but I get the fact that Hearing people are just as self involved and arrogant as NTs. I get the frustration of communicating to some one that doesn't see your language as a real language. I get it. I want to get it at least. I feel so unsure around Jay and other Deaf people. I don't want to be "that guy" you know, the allies that I rant about on my blog. But I really connect with Jay. I want to continue the friendship I have with him.

But maybe this is why I am writing this post. I live in a culture that has been scattered to the four winds. We don't have a collective language to exchange ideas and thoughts with. What we have a common feeling of oppression and exclusion. What is Autistic Culture? Is the question I am asking? It's something that I have been thinking about lately as I find myself walking into the Deaf community.

Nerds in the bedroom NSFW

Or dating as an autist

So for January's blog post I had idea to write about something that has been on my mind lately. Yes I know what your are thinking, but trust me on this guys, this image, is a metaphor.

With a buzz going around about John Elder Robinson, new book "Be Different : The adventures of a free-rang Aspergian" which is basically comes down to: "don't be an autist be normal and shit and maybe you'll get pussy." Which is what most of the reviews seem to articulate. I wanted to put in my two cents with dating an being autistic. I want to share a few stories and share some really personal stuff.


So most of this post is gonna be kinda NSFW

One thing that I keep hearing among the community both the parent dominated "Autism community" and the autist lead "Autistic community" is the anxiety of relationships. Because most autists are cis male, most of the discussion of dating has been geared to that side of the experience. I rarely see any dating guides geared towards female autists or transgender autists. Hell, even most of the dating guides are for hetronormative relationships. I don't see people giving advice to gay men or lesbian women. From what I see with questions about people looking for girl friends on AFF or the various dialogues about parents sadden that their sons can't have typical families or whatever that means. It's apparent that us trannies, fags and cunts don't exist.

Fortunately there is this explaining the "Double Rainbow" phenomenon and touching some important intersectionality concepts. Including being queer and autistic, trans and autistic and agender/asexual and autistic. Which are topics that are almost always cut out of the discussion. As well as Autists in the kink community (another topic that never is talked about because of the context of "kink). There is a lot of topics about relationships sex and gender that are never touch because of our culture's social taboo with sex as well as another taboo. People with developmental delays/disabilities shouldn't have sex. It's something that has been asserted in media and made a joke off. The problem is that this joke is doing more harm than good and it's time realize that autistic can have healthy meaningful relationships with love ones and yes. Have sex. Lots of sex. Consentual. Adult. Sex.

Did I mention sex?

Yes their are autistics that are asexual, I have plenty of autist friends that are aromantic and asexual. That is not what I am pissed off at. They are asexual by their own merit. I don't want to say "chose" because no one chooses anything (I didn't chose to be a gay trans man), however there are asexual NTs too. The autists I know that asexual are not because they are autistic. But because that happens to be their flavor of the "rainbow." Media always inputs that an if there is an autist in any relationship, their relationship is cute and platonic and if it's sexual it's quirky and awkward an that they are a virgin (See Adam). You want to know a fact. Some autists like a rough, some like it dirty. Some like kink, some have fetishes, some are not virgins and some...are perfectly vanilla and guess what? All of them are ok, and natural. Problem is that people don't assume autistics have normal sex lives. They either group us as asexual to avoid the topic or the imagery or they make us perverts. Let us not even go into the idea that non-speaking autists are all "children" and can't consent. Because we know that is bullshit.


I am sure you can program the dynavox to say "Lets fuck like rabbits". I am sure it's been done before.

But back on a serious note. Dating is a complicated manner. I have been abused by my ex husband, abused by my former suitors and while I am going through transitioning I have been less confident in my abilities on attracting a mate. Josh ended up being a breath of fresh air. He has been loving, supportive and flexible. We do fight, argue but we make up and try to learn. He is also an autist too and like myself. There has been some communication gaps. No relationship is perfect, but we manage to sync up. Also, something else I discovered. I don't have sex with Josh...we make love. A phrase I had not much credence too. Yet after the almost nine months in our relationship, I get it now. I know what it means now. It took me a long time but, I had something I never had with my ex; something I guess I am lucky to experience.

Now remember the lube I have on the top of the essay? It is a metaphor. Relationships often have a lot of friction and complications. Teamwork, context and communication can help lubricate it. And you know what? Autists can learn it.

To finish up I want to bring something up. I am sick of the idea that NT women date aspie men because they want to fix them or find their quirkiness "cute". I feel that NT women either negate their disability or exacerbate it. Then if it fails, they are the victims. Maxine Aston often pulls this bullshit (remember the Cassandra Syndrome bull?). Aspie men are not fixer-upers. They are not children looking for a mom. Aspie women are not delicate virgins or on the other side of the table, not butch geeks with motorcycles with a devil-may-care attitude like Lizbeth Salander (I hear a rumor that she might be portrayed as asperger on the movie) or dorky animu weeboos either.

This is probably a news flash for some. But autistics are people. Human, and fallible. We have preferences, identities and needs like normal people would in relationships. We might need guidance and some help sometimes, but we can function in a relationships.


Bard

Silver Bells and Holiday Memories

Hi kids, still lurking on this blog?

Well I am still kicking, I have just been enjoying my break. However I am sure you all want to know how my holiday is going and what I have been up to (not really I am sure), so here is a short essay on holidays memories and recalling details.



**************

Routine has been the soft fluffy blanket in my life (like the one on my lap) and one that I have hard time getting rid off (kinda like Linus with his). I like structure, simple patterns and things I can remember and organize easily. This is probably why I love the holidays. For some autists, it's chaotic and noise and bundle of sensory issues. But for me, it's a routine I can rely and remember and recall.

except for this year.

This year, is the first where I wasn't with my mom or my dad. I didn't thunder downstairs (or upstairs) to open presents. There was no holiday get together, no collective of relatives to play Taboo with. I was with Josh and his family and for some reason, I started crying on Christmas Eve about it. I was homesick, which is unheard of for me. I never get homesick and I like adventures and trying new things (occasionally when my anxiety doesn't blindside me)and this was planned back in November so this wasn't a "Sudden Change", but simply something that just occurred to me.

This is not my holiday routine.

Just for the record, I did have a marvelous Christmas with Josh's folks who treated me like I was their son, gave me wonderful presents and had a superb holiday dinner. Just to abate any fears that Christmas was terrible (because it wasn't). I will also get gifts and (give my own) to my family later after New Years. So it wasn't like I wasn't going to spend a mini-Xmas with my mom and step-dad.

Still the routine wasn't like last year, or the year before and these holiday memories didn't match or echo to ones before. The thing I like about Yule and the other winter holidays. Is the fact I can recall past experiences and go "oh yeah this is what is going to happen next", I have a library of memories than I can actually go back to to predict the next events in Winter Break, Christmas and New Years. For instance, here is what happened years back and what usually happens every year.

-I go see my mom
-I get gifts
-There is dinner at her place or at Aunt Lynn's
-Coffee and desert followed by family games.
-Go home with loot

This year was:
-Go Josh's apartment
-Hang out with him all break
-Go to his parents
-get gifts
-watch movie
-eat food
-go home

What really threw me off was the fact there wasn't a huge party of family. I wasn't playing Taboo or Apples to Apples and watching my family laugh recall memories and enjoy the peace of being with a clan.

I think that is what the crux of the essay is. I miss being with something so routine and familiar and comforting. my family both the Hannah (my mom's family) and Kramer (dad's family) I miss being with the sea of faces noise and happiness of the chaos that comes with it. It's only time when I feel happy being overloaded with noise, smell and people. For the rest of the year I am pretty much with just dad and myself. Routine and the daily grind doesn't have the right kind of overload (just the wrong) and I am stuck in a system of being underwhelmed and bored.

However while I love Josh and his family and I feel so blessed to be included. There is something to be said about missing and longing the faces you know and remember.

For an autist, family is the only thing we have (for some at least, not all) that is unyielding and unchanging. It's the only comfort we have that we can trust and while my dad has his moments when I want to scream, and my mom has her's when I want to sigh. I love them and I feel like something is missing when I can't spend the holidays with my mom.