Nerds in the bedroom NSFW

Or dating as an autist

So for January's blog post I had idea to write about something that has been on my mind lately. Yes I know what your are thinking, but trust me on this guys, this image, is a metaphor.

With a buzz going around about John Elder Robinson, new book "Be Different : The adventures of a free-rang Aspergian" which is basically comes down to: "don't be an autist be normal and shit and maybe you'll get pussy." Which is what most of the reviews seem to articulate. I wanted to put in my two cents with dating an being autistic. I want to share a few stories and share some really personal stuff.


So most of this post is gonna be kinda NSFW

One thing that I keep hearing among the community both the parent dominated "Autism community" and the autist lead "Autistic community" is the anxiety of relationships. Because most autists are cis male, most of the discussion of dating has been geared to that side of the experience. I rarely see any dating guides geared towards female autists or transgender autists. Hell, even most of the dating guides are for hetronormative relationships. I don't see people giving advice to gay men or lesbian women. From what I see with questions about people looking for girl friends on AFF or the various dialogues about parents sadden that their sons can't have typical families or whatever that means. It's apparent that us trannies, fags and cunts don't exist.

Fortunately there is this explaining the "Double Rainbow" phenomenon and touching some important intersectionality concepts. Including being queer and autistic, trans and autistic and agender/asexual and autistic. Which are topics that are almost always cut out of the discussion. As well as Autists in the kink community (another topic that never is talked about because of the context of "kink). There is a lot of topics about relationships sex and gender that are never touch because of our culture's social taboo with sex as well as another taboo. People with developmental delays/disabilities shouldn't have sex. It's something that has been asserted in media and made a joke off. The problem is that this joke is doing more harm than good and it's time realize that autistic can have healthy meaningful relationships with love ones and yes. Have sex. Lots of sex. Consentual. Adult. Sex.

Did I mention sex?

Yes their are autistics that are asexual, I have plenty of autist friends that are aromantic and asexual. That is not what I am pissed off at. They are asexual by their own merit. I don't want to say "chose" because no one chooses anything (I didn't chose to be a gay trans man), however there are asexual NTs too. The autists I know that asexual are not because they are autistic. But because that happens to be their flavor of the "rainbow." Media always inputs that an if there is an autist in any relationship, their relationship is cute and platonic and if it's sexual it's quirky and awkward an that they are a virgin (See Adam). You want to know a fact. Some autists like a rough, some like it dirty. Some like kink, some have fetishes, some are not virgins and some...are perfectly vanilla and guess what? All of them are ok, and natural. Problem is that people don't assume autistics have normal sex lives. They either group us as asexual to avoid the topic or the imagery or they make us perverts. Let us not even go into the idea that non-speaking autists are all "children" and can't consent. Because we know that is bullshit.


I am sure you can program the dynavox to say "Lets fuck like rabbits". I am sure it's been done before.

But back on a serious note. Dating is a complicated manner. I have been abused by my ex husband, abused by my former suitors and while I am going through transitioning I have been less confident in my abilities on attracting a mate. Josh ended up being a breath of fresh air. He has been loving, supportive and flexible. We do fight, argue but we make up and try to learn. He is also an autist too and like myself. There has been some communication gaps. No relationship is perfect, but we manage to sync up. Also, something else I discovered. I don't have sex with Josh...we make love. A phrase I had not much credence too. Yet after the almost nine months in our relationship, I get it now. I know what it means now. It took me a long time but, I had something I never had with my ex; something I guess I am lucky to experience.

Now remember the lube I have on the top of the essay? It is a metaphor. Relationships often have a lot of friction and complications. Teamwork, context and communication can help lubricate it. And you know what? Autists can learn it.

To finish up I want to bring something up. I am sick of the idea that NT women date aspie men because they want to fix them or find their quirkiness "cute". I feel that NT women either negate their disability or exacerbate it. Then if it fails, they are the victims. Maxine Aston often pulls this bullshit (remember the Cassandra Syndrome bull?). Aspie men are not fixer-upers. They are not children looking for a mom. Aspie women are not delicate virgins or on the other side of the table, not butch geeks with motorcycles with a devil-may-care attitude like Lizbeth Salander (I hear a rumor that she might be portrayed as asperger on the movie) or dorky animu weeboos either.

This is probably a news flash for some. But autistics are people. Human, and fallible. We have preferences, identities and needs like normal people would in relationships. We might need guidance and some help sometimes, but we can function in a relationships.


Bard

Ignorance (NSFW)

Ok kiddies it's another NSFC/W post on sex. Those under 18 are not permitted to read.















So I wrote a post back in October about sex and orgasm. This is also about sex but a short post on the idealism that sex is more that just male-centric that it's also able-centric. The idea of disabled adults with amputations, deafness or some sort of mental illness having sex is considered dirty or even fetishistic. I have been around enough "hentai" and "yaoi" groups to notice that there is such thing as an amputation fetish. Is it wrong? No it's not wrong to have a fetish but to treat those people as a just a kink and not 'people' is.

What is even more disturbing is the social belief that those with developmental delays are unsexual beings and live in perpetual childlike innocence. That they will never understand sex and it is fruitless to have a conversation about sex to them. Of course many will figure it out on their own and sometimes in the worse sort of ways. Parents are also disgusted at the thought of their sons or daughters masturbating and will try to correct this 'deviant' behavior. Never mind the fact that if a typical teen masturbates, most parents will do is roll their eyes and shut the door. Yes masturbation is stigmatized for all neurotypes but it seems that those with atypical neurologies get punished for it more than those with neurologies that are accepted.

This infantilizting of people with DD including autists is very detrimental and continued to assert the ablelism that only healthy normal people enjoy and have sex. Autistic people having sex is gross, severally autistic people interested and even having sex themselves is wrong and bad. It's continuing to enforce sexual ignorance among my social group and continuing the schism between between typical and atypical. It also suggests the idea that, autistic people and DD people...can't consent to sex. Therefore it's wrong.

I find this troubling in many levels.

Media doesn't resolve this problem. Picoult's book House Rules has Jacob Hunt being asexual and even aromantic (which is another believe that HFA autistics have no idea of romantic love let alone severe autists) Jacob admits that he might have love Jess however. I feel that was just shoving the dagger a bit deeper really and into an Adam-esq feeling of: "You may love the girl but you'll never have her". Elizabeth Moon, did this too but she made Lou a sexual being. Lou narrates in "Speed of Dark" that he wants to take his love interest out and even make love to her. This defiantly suggests that Lou enjoys and wants sex (I have feeling though that Moon made him a virgin).

The idea that sex between two consenting atypical adults should be normalize. Is one that many people can't seen to fathom. Mostly because consent seems to be a "normal" thing. Autistic and DD people can't consent.

We should abolish this, sex is a choice. A choice that all people should have and not be judge for it. Autists should have the right have sex, or not have sex. Not every autist is asexual.

Relief and the good kind of overload...

It was wonderful, this feeling of drowning in pleasure. Like an overload when things are too much. It is too much..but then relief, if someone open the lid of a bubbling pot and let the steam out. I feel exhausted but not unhappy. I like this feeling of being overwhelmed and then getting that relief. I want the pot to bubble up again so I can free the steam.


OK kiddies this is an adult only post. All you little ones under 18 need to skedaddle.

Opening fiction is Tikaani describing what an orgasm feels like to him. Tikaani's sexuality for a long time is mostly masturbation and various experiments with what turns him on. It isn't until he is around his mid-twenties does he experience intercourse.

For many autists out there, this is very familiar. We're all have fondle ourselves and tried to figure out how get that certain sensation many find it and enjoy it some don't, and for some, intercourse is far away while others have found it and appreciate the experience. Now not all autist are sexual. Some are very asexual for many reasons. Sometimes the sensations are overwhelming and not the good way, some actually hurt. Though it is a lie that autists even "Purple" autists are not sexual or have no concept of sex.


Sex for me is very wonderful thing. I will not tell you all of my sexual habits but release is actually helpful and helps me reorganize thoughts and center me sensory-wise. I feel better and often sleep better. In one experiment fiction with Tikaani he also compares orgasm to using the restroom. It is refreshing and relieves a pressure and need. In some sense sex including masturbation, is form of bodily release, though not completely necessary (like using the toilet or eating) it does serve a very functional purpose.

Problem is many autists are curious but unsure how to approach sex and some are very shy and with the right-wing pro-christian agenda, exploring one's sexuality is often discouraged and for some autists breaking those rules are often hard to do (It was for me when I was Christian) so many are ignorant on many aspects of sex and it poses a host of challenges.

First off, many don't know what their boundaries are and that can cause a lot of problems. They might preform a sexual act and injure themselves (I have done this). Or not know what tools many help them explore their sexuality safely. Many might not understand contraceptives or might be too paranoid about them which causes a lot of unwanted anxiety (Was paranoid about getting pregnant until I got an IUD and I didn't sleep or cry because of said anxiety). We shouldn't leave young autists to figure things out via internet. It's unreliable and irresponsible. Parents however don't have the responsibly alone to teach their child about the finer points of 'insert tab A into slot B' peers and dear friends of autistic people should also help educate and assure autistic people that experimenting and doing it safely is ok. Especially since many teens and young adults of any neuro-type, don't always feel comfortable asking parents about sex and what feels good. Friends shouldn't laugh or look at their autistic friend oddly for asking questions about masturbation or what a g-spot is. Nor should they dismiss them with 'Go wiki/google it' it's unhelpful and creates distrust.

Autistic people of all colors should have the freedom to explore their sexuality without fear of being reprimanded by parents or mocked by peers. Parents and peers and other autistic friends that have experience should pitch and encourage that need to...let the steam out.