Generation Fade

Generation Fade

I suppose as I sit and write this there is a moment where I wonder if this is going to be heard at all. Or largely ignored, maybe it doesn’t matter in the scheme of things, but to me I think it’s important that we read this and understand something. Critiquing something doesn’t mean you hate it. In fact it sometimes can be an act of love. This is not a protest or an ultimatum. This is my observations and what I think might be best for the Central Ohio/OSU chapter of ASAN.

It occurs to me now, why I feel so ignored by a bunch of privileged academics in offices making choices for the National branch. It is the same feeling I get when I am ignored by a population or excluded. It’s the feeling of alienation and for an organization that has been alienated and ignored by the greater typical population, it feels ironic.  This alienation comes from not following the party line. Not actively protesting against AutSpks, or having a taupe or grey ribbon. Makes you somehow invisible, if you don’t dump your resources into traumatic emotionally exhausting protests in which we feel like we have been eviscerated in front thousands of parents. This is what has being going on with ASAN Columbus and myself. We’re being divorced by National.

Our Lead said it last night “We’re already considered a rogue chapter” during the meeting we had last night. It’s pretty much true, we’re not following the party line and we have bigger and more pressing fish to catch. Like employment, and education and health resources. We have to worry about the next generation and what they are going to inherit when we become ash and bone. Do they want a protest group against AutSpks or an organization that will help them keep their heads above water? Most of us are drowning. Autistics are going hungry, they are getting abused by caregivers, locked in institutions, imprisoned, sexually assaulted, abandoned and they only thing we are doing to help our brothers and sisters, is protesting against a bigger organization with deeper pockets and more resources. We’re fighting against a kraken with a rowboat and no one seems to question it. 

I will say though before anyone judges me, that I am against AutSpks, I think it’s horrible, but I know better. You need to reach people one at a time; you need to educate, friends, family and coworkers. You can’t assume that your pamphlets and flyers are enough; you need to sit down with them and one at a time make them see the damage. We’re already seen by the majority as that ‘militant autism group’, we shouldn’t have that reputation. But we do. It’s that reputation is why I never came out as an activist to my coworkers until recently. I don’t want to make enemies. I still don’t, but I guess this will make few now. Might as well put on my pirate hat and charge forward. 

Now I have been personally slighted. I have worked with National to make tools for the majority of autistics out there. I enjoyed it and I was looking forward to the next project. So imagine my surprise when the next tool came out (which I saw on tumblr) and it was about a topic I had a lot of interested in. So I was hurt and in pain and angry about being excluded more so because the one in charge was Mel Yergue. So Brutus shoves the dagger a bit deeper. When I asked for an explanation on why on Facebook, I get no response, I call Em Titon and we have a heart to heart. Then she drops a bomb, ASAN did see my call-out. But they though it was a suicide message, she told me that they were going to have folks call or message me to make sure I was alright. She was the only that reached out to me. No one else did. I guess they were too busy protesting to care. It’s really sad and really angering at the same time. Because even if I did overdose on tequila and Percocet they probably wouldn’t have noticed my bloated rotting ass in the bathtub until some someone mentions it on Tumblr or Facebook. If I am lucky, you guys suck at ‘suicide watch’ bytheway. 

I don’t regret anything that I am writing; I don’t regret getting a target on my ass. I don’t care, because I don’t think anyone will notice or respond to me.  They haven’t so far so why would they start now. But I will say this to all the baby activists out there, just know what you want from your work; know what you hope to achieve. Don’t join a group thinking that they will always support you. Because when you don’t follow their modus operands they will throw you away. I am nothing to this group, I have been for five years, I don’t know what they want from me or what I can do, but at this point I am getting on my Viking longshot and braving new lands without the Jarl’s support.

One more thing, I am not ‘quitting’ ASAN, but at this rate it will be soon when I am done affiliating with them.

Here we go again

With another shooting in the news the same usual suspects show up and without much ado, the Mental Illness and Developmental Disability community, pretty much gets bulldozed and scapegoated. Just like clockwork. I dread hearing about these dreadful shootings (not just because they are incredibly tragic), because once again we're the face of evil and violence. In weeks time schizophrenics, bi-polar and autistic adults (and teens) will be in the front pages of news blogs with tragic reports of there "aggressive" behavior and how were "time bombs" etc etc. Same song, same dance. It happened with the Virgina Tech massacre it happened with Columbine too, and now with the horrific Aurora Cinema shooting it seems that people keep conflicting Criminal Minds with real life.

Joe Scarborough said some pretty ignorant statements in regards to the shooting, and he got told off for them fortunately, but this just a slow change. Especially since Joe kinda missed the point. And to be a bit cynical here, people are going to continue to miss the point since this is always been sort of a hard lesson to learn. People with mental illnesses are not your killers. People with schizophrenic disorders, bi-polar, OCD, DID, Borderline are not your boogieman. Kassianne made clear point on this complete with stats on the real facts that we're the victims than the victimizers. In fact I have been hearing more frequently about the deaths of autistics lately. Yet still people continue to paint us as organic robots with no feelings or social awareness. I don't understand how hard it is for people to grasp that it's more likely that my neurtypical readers are going to to murder me or my neurotypical siblings than the other way around. Hell I should start profiling all the normies on my blog for Odin's sake.

I know what your people are like...

The Advantages of Self-DX

Ok admittedly I have been avoiding this topic for years, because I am pretty passionate (read: an asshole) when it comes to the topic of Self-DX. However, I thought this would be something to approached, especially when I have been talking about NT privilege.

There is a an advantage to being Self-DX. It's one that is seen and talked about with in the community but only non-directly. I've seen it commented as being a "Stealth Aspie" being not on the books, or records. Passing well enough without a lot of suspicion. What this really is. Is NT Privilege.

That the advantage of being Self-DX, you have personal label but not one that strips you of your infrastructural status as an NT. The government, local, state and so forth, sees you as an "NT". You don't need, the county's DD (developmental disability) services, BVR or Disability Medicaid or SSI. According to the government you're normal.

This is a massive advantage to folks with a self-DX, they can live their lives carrying the autistic label and suffer none of the community backlash. This is why they tout being a "stealth aspie" this is why many discourage autists on getting a clinical DX. Keep the label, keep the privilege.

Now I am not arguing the the validity of self-DX (especially online), this is not the forum for it (besides that's a clusterfuck of topic). Yet I understand why self-dx is appeasing for folks. Why would you willingly strip the advantages of being "NT" to gain a diagnosis that would haunt you? One that would make getting employed impossible, getting services hard and walking around with a social ghost haunting you.

Self-dx, can have their cake and eat it too. The rest of us that are on the books, can only look at the yummy NT Privilege cake but never eat it.

Something to be aware of Self-DX....

Having an itch you can't scratch

It wasn't long before Tikaani heard the shouts of his aunt as he bolted out of the house. His communicator still on the table as Maka chased after him, the only warning that Tikaani gave aunt, was the word "Itch"

The urge to bolt out of the house is not and uncommon behavior for autists. Occasionally I want to get out and run, and I was a "Runner" too as a child (to the point I had a baby leash as kid). Sometimes you just have to get up and go. You don't want to stay still but go, and you get up and run. I pace a lot now, and my running behavior is minimized but I still have that itch.

Currently there has been talk of a proposal for a Diagnostic code for "wandering". I have a feeling this could end badly, and push disability rights back a step. Once again people continue the notion that "we don't know what's best" and we're doing this "for your benefit" without actually discussing this problem with us. It's like every other treatment or issue with ASD. The NAA and Aut$spk rather talk to the parents and those on the outside than those that actually have the issue. Everything about this proposal feels ass-backwards and it screams justification on locking up auties.
"They have Wandering Disorder that's why we have to put him in the kennel with Spot! Honest it's not abuse! Look we have papers"
I am sure their other methods to help these kids and adults with wandering issues and I don't think medicalizing it is gonna help. We again need to cross that bridge and talk to autists on less invasive and restrictive methods to curb wandering behaviors.

Personally. I think a good "damage control" method is simply introducing your autistic child to the neighborhood and have the neighborhood get to know your kid. Having an aware community can be so helpful. Neighbors that know that "Ian" is on spectrum can benefit you. Their awareness means if he gets out and runs off, a neighbor who knows him can find him and take him home. A strong community and aware one is a boon and it's sad that I don't see that anymore. Of course you gotta be aware of who you introduce your child too, but the point remains.

I just know if I was locked up for running I would find other methods to exert that need. Most of them...would be self-injurious.

Loosing myself

I don't know why

But when I paint. I loose myself. Hands fly over my face. I rock as I strew colors on my page. I totally lose myself into the painting. Sometimes I feel like crying. I might be the music I listen too, it might be feelings of joy when my soul drips into the paints and into my paintings.

I don't know why, but it feels like part of my brains just clicks off when I start to paint. It's odd, I don't talk I just stim and paint.

Curious.

Shutdowns

This pass week has been very intensive. Thursday being the most with me teaching Melanie's class on how to write autistic characters and as well as helping adults during the OAADD conference. Over all my activism has been at 11 all week. Today though I'll be seeing my favorite author. So no activism today :3

However this topic isn't about those two things but about Nov 1 communication shutdown. I am honestly rather skeptical about this. Mostly because if feels like a half bake idea. Sure for one day people are going to be frazzled without Twitter or Facebook. But that's not going to illicit the empathy needed to understand the communication blocks we autists experience. Mostly because it's easy to get around also it's only got one day.

For use communication blocks are forever and not something you can easily get around. Many of use can't talk, and have trouble using computers and for us communication is an effort, but we've always seem to find creative ways of doing it and doing it well.

Honestly this idea sounds so half-baked I wonder of the NT that thought of it can really attempt to understand the frustration of speaking a language that know one could understand.

Yesterday's news (poem)

I see animals living captivity
They call it a zoo
but when see man in captivity
and I call it an Institution
where the concept of humanity
is all but a figment of a former reality
like puppies that got to big
and tossed aside like yesterday's news
human beings locked away in
discontentment and division
where their value is place at negative 10
and where their souls tear and rend
but is there an end?
There is no end

Ladies and gentlemen
I'll give you straight facts
no lies or bias here
stories need to be told
and spoken here
injustice is a foot my friends
and we must not be blind in ignorance
I have heard the tales of children being shocked
with burns on their legs and arms
tied down in leather straps
lock in a night dark room
halls scented of piss and vomit
little girls being raped while the nurse is away
parents lied saying it's ok
when the state is involved everything goes to hell
rights are stripped away from the most needy
and left to die I their own feces

humans with cognitive delays are not the enemy
not some obscene sort of tragedy
pretend you can't talk, and world is strange thing
would you want to say something? To have a choice to be protected?
Is easier to pretend that the retard locked in sterile halls is not human
would be better for you to turn you head away
default your responsibility
I wish I could tie you down watch every fucking second
of a Down Syndrome boy screaming as he left alone
in a dark and empty room
I want you to suffer like they suffer
I want to you to bleed like they bleed
I want you see what I see
I am not just hero without a cause
I have seen the mouth of ethical hell
state funded institutions are not homes
just another word for a prison
but at least prisoners have rights
what right does 'bifida girl have
besides being left alone in her wheelchair
the autistic boy is always tied down he screams for his mom
but mommy ain't here
I will champion for them my friend
after all it could be your kid
locked up in that zoo

thrown away like yesterday's news

Yesterday's News

Theorm of Compassion and the justification of humanity

The old trope that autistic people are so withdrawn that they cannot connect to the world, thusly they are inherently selfish and disconnected from people. They cannot empathize with people. Therefore, in human context.

We're not human.

Empathy is a socio-political tool. It's used to gain perspectives and viewpoints. Accusing someone for not having empathy is also a tool. It's used to continue the schism of Us/Them, and as well as putting oneself on a pedestal of pity and feed a victim complex. 

"How can you be so obtuse? Can you understand where I am coming from? The suffering and the pain I am in?" 

How many times have we heard this? How many times have we been accused by our peers and by our friends that we lack empathy and emotion during times of emotional distress and pain? As we sit quietly by our eyes trying to access the information that we have been given. 

Juxtaposed is our NT friends looking ashamed at us we struggle in a sea of sensory information. Screaming in pain and or doing anything to combat the input that we cannot process. They advert their eyes or accuse us of embarrassing them. We however don't point fingers and shout that they lack empathy. Instead. We apologize for being autistic. 

Changeling culture has giving us a schism of typical and atypical, in which all those that are neurologically atypical are always at fault. It is normal for typical to look upon the atypical with disdain and to lack the empathy necessary to understand the footsteps and journey we take as disabled people. So we grew apologetic for our nature as disabled. Being overly-apologetic is normal for an autistic person. What parent has heard their son or daughter on the spectrum constantly apologize for everything. We don't apologize for an action but for being who we are. Changeling culture has viewed us as mistakes, problems, unwanted. So we apologize for being mistakes in our families. 

While we nurse a rather large victim complex, autists need to step back and stop saying sorry for being human. It's time to look at what is empathy and what is compassion, NTs and autists alike have seem to mix those definitions up. As I stated in another essay about ToM, every human lacks empathy. A hetronormative male will not understand the feeling of being gay to their homosexual peer. A very rich American can't understand what it's like to really go hungry or what it's like to be surrounded by rubble like their Haitian counterparts. Typicals like to pretend that they do, until someone calls them on their privilege. In all no human being can be 'mindreaders' if we can be, why do we still have sexism, classism and racism then? 

However an autist and a typical both have compassion. Yet they show it in different ways. A little girl has lost their dog. A typical person would hug and use physical affection and soothing words to comfort the child. An autist would find a photo of the dog and make flyers to post all over the neighborhood. An autist is practical whilst a NT is more emotive. However it wasn't prayers and pleading wishes to deities that helped the people of Haiti or the ravaged New Orleansians it was hard work and real practical compassion. 

An autist may lack the understanding of someone looking for their beloved dog, might even suggest that the odds of finding the dog is slim and it's better for them to look for another dog at a shelter. Would even accuse the poor man of being irresponsible and not properly put a collar on the dog or microchip it. Still...

It will not stop him from him from getting the flyers. 

Functionality and Normalcy

Now at age 18 Tikaani could feed, dress and use the toilet by himself. Skills that Hanai though he will never learn. However he still has trouble cooking the most simple of meals, can't sow or tan leather. He can make a drum from scratch though make a fire and hunt for clams and even fish, but not hunt or work with any weapons. He can't be left alone for his running behavior. He can read and write though and does well with dogs.

but...is he normal?

What is exactly is functionality? Why do professionals fixate on the binary of low and high functioning? Is Tikaani low functioning since he could barely speak accept for short sentences or is he high functioning enough since he could do a trade like make drums or harvest selfish in his tribe and he is also literate.

Functionality creates a border. An us/them mentality that does more harm than good and the concept of functionality seems to be evolving every year. I can't drive I can't hold a full time job I probably won't marry again (I don't even want to talk about that) or go to college. Am I functional though? Doctors think I am. I am Asperger, ergo HFA. So I must be high functioning. Despite having obvious challenges that more "functional" people have. I know autists that can drive and hold full time jobs, marry and be huge drivers in politics. Are they more "high functioning" than me? Do they get their Autie Licenses revoked?

I have seen the dreadful hierarchy that functionality causes. This idea that HFA autists should 'lord' over LFAs makes me nauseous. The idea that the LFA need us to protect them is stupid. ASAN unfortunately from what I see makes no effort to address this issue. This deciding line between LFA and HFA and the fact that these labels are going extinct (eventually) is going to be important for ASAN and other organizations to pay attention too. They need to see the infighting and the ableism within the group. I believe LFA people have much to contribute as long as they gain accommodations they need.


The problem is...once an oppressed group gains power, the opposing group tries to find ways to get it back. Any means necessary.
You can interpret that last line any way you want.

PS, I don't put Tikaani with any functionality label, at least not personally. I use a label to for reference for some RP players and in my fictions for the public. But generally, Tikaani isn't Low or High functioning. He's...Tikaani.

Bard

Excellent Birds

As it's World Autism Awareness day, I should write a huge egocentric piece on how I view autism. Or even a Tikaani fiction piece (BTW Casdok, I have your prompt in progress I would love to have more prompts from you others) but I decided to try my hand again on another essay that is opinion only because I am too lazy to hunt down sources from Baron-Cohen. *side glance*

Theory of mind seems to be the new "explanation" to describe autistic people. It shiny and bright and full of sophomoric reasoning that grasps the populace and continues sadly the stigma of having a alter-wired brain. I will be discussing TOM (theory of mind) and how it's simply a rehashing of the old tropes that pervaded within the autism culture.

Yesterday afternoon, I was with my ASAN chapter, we spent the afternoon going around campus passing out flyers and groaning at Autspk's 1-110 lawn posters As much as I wanted to pull them out, I realized that would look bad on us so we and our chapter ran around combating ignorance the best we could. Later that afternoon we were invited to the lecture by John Duffy from Notre Dame. The lecture was wonderful and invoking (and there was pita and humus!) which inspired this essay.

Acoording to Wikipedia Theory of Mind states this

Theory of mind is the ability to attribute mental states—beliefs, intents, desires, pretending, knowledge, etc.—to oneself and others and to understand that others have beliefs, desires and intentions that are different from one's own.[1] Though there are philosophical approaches to issues raised in such discussions, theory of mind as such is distinct from the philosophy of mind.

The idea is that autists have lack of this TOM or a very damaged one. With this we are quote "mindblind". Baron-Cohen idea that autistic people are mindblind brings up an anthropological context that to me is interesting. I believe everyone is rather mindblind, when it comes to cultural imperialism. We tend to assume that our culture is grand and great and over throwing a native culture is best and beneficial. We see this with White Privilege and 1st World Privileged people who think that doing missionary work or working in the deep urban areas is act of charity. That everyone should be like them and that if black people work hard enough they can escape the ghettos and have white collar jobs like them. Privileged people unfortunately are blind to the racist infrastructure that binds POC and makes it's difficult to escape. Even if they do escape, they will be discriminated for acting "white". Cultural Mindblindness is quite common.

Even Religious mindblindess. I mean look a the Christian church? They all believe that the majority of atheists, pagans, agnostics really want to be saved. Many are fiercely ignorant of said religions and that feeds into their asinine beliefs of what they really are.

Baron-Cohen uses dividing language according John Duffy, to polarize. Even though Baron-Cohen continues to backpeddle all the damn time (u guise this very simple graph I madeded isn't simple...u guiiiise? Ok I don't think he talks like a lolcat I just did it for satirical fun) One of the things I noticed the idealism that Autistics were are mindblind in the same context of say chimpanzees and other animals. I kinda lifted my eyebrow at this because I felt like this was familiar. Suddenly it occurred to me. Doesn't that sound like something out of the Tibetan Book of the Dead? I remember reading the TBotD one afternoon and reading about the bardo or realm of animals that even though animals have emotions they lack humor (In the TBotD). This is a Buddhist concept but it seems to resonate with me when was listening to John Duffy. I don't know why but I made a connection to the idea that we're mindblind like animals to the idea that human soul got stuck within the Bardo of Animals. It was honestly sophomoric, but nevertheless fascinating. Has Baron-Cohen read the TBotD?

Over all as I was listening it felt that Baron-Cohen was refilling the rhetoric of the Changeling Child. Somehow describing that we cannot connect to other humans because we are blind to their mental state is almost saying that we are "Other" or "Not human". Haven't we evolve past the 11 century Irish idea that babies are kidnapped by sidhe? Apparently not, the discourse of TOM continues to burn the bridge that autistic people are humans. Instead...I feel that TOM continues to paint us as constructs...false people.

Golems.

Bard Out.

Shadows

The late afternoon sun cast an orange shadow on the blue icy walls of Tikaani's home. Exhaling a low sigh, the young man sunk himself deeper into the warm but salty water.
Not quite the ocean but close enough, Tikaani shut his eyes for a moment but when he opened them the shadow was gone. It confused him. What happened to it? Why did it leave? Tikaani missed the warm vermillion glow of the setting sun, on the pale walls. He made a soft moan and dripped some of the water on to the floor. Watching it drip from his finger in steady consistent patterns.
Sometimes ideas can be like shadows. One minute there are there the next the evaporate and you spent all day trying to remember what it was to bring back that elusive shadow. My words are like that. Shadows that come and go. Some days I can remember things clearly and speak. Other days the shadows are gone and things are overcast. There are things that are Not-Quite-Real and things that Real-But-Not-Seen. Shadows tend to fall into the Not-Quite-Real page. You can't touch one, or move it, but you can see it and change it to some degree. Words are also Not-Quite-Real. The have no form, no shape but people are so controlled by them. Why?

Diving back into the water Tikaani let thoughts drift...like late afternoon shadows.

As the late afternoon drifts on and the day continue to drip like water. I sigh as I procrastinate in packing and organizing thing. My evaluation for my job is coming up and I feel nervous but not scared. More nervous with uncertainty than anything else. Security is a lot like Tikaani's thoughts on "shadows" it's elusive and hard to contain and maybe it's "Not-Quite-Real" I find it hard to feel secure with my job, with my homelife with my blog. It's elusive and you can't quite touch it. The unknown of it all is like unsolvable puzzle. You can't make heads or tails of it and you spend hours predicting it. Honestly I fear the unknown. So do many NTs too.

Easy Come, Easy Go

From my experience working around many teacher and parent volunteers I noticed the difference between a good parent of autistic child and a bad one.

Good parents are easy going, they don't anger easily and are pretty forgiving. They seem to have this patient air about them. Aliens invaded Columbus? Great lets invite them over, Godzilla attacking? Oh neat! Lets all get pictures! Hell froze over? Lets go skiing!

If a kid has meltdown in front of people. They ignore it and let the kid work it out himself unless it's a self-injurious one. They are willing to listen to all kinds of information and are eager to learn. They don't worry if the kid ruins a shirt, breaks a glass or losses a hat. They care of their children of course, but the don't sweat the small stuff. Each step towards independence is to be celebrated. Most of all, they work to help make his life easier. The bad ones of course. Are the opposite, they stress out too easily get embarrassed too fast and seem not to have that flexibility the good parents have.

Also when I have a question, I tend to ask the good parents, because the bad ones never seem to have the right answers.

Mathmatical thinking.

We're creatures of structure us autists. We like routine and we try to keep to our routine. Every morning at Nine o clock I get up and get on the computer. I check Dominic-Deegan first then e-mail and then Livejournal in that order. Then I get dressed, eat something or drink a cup of coffee brush hair and teeth, pack up and prepare to leave promptly at 10:15 or 10:17. I catch the ten-thirty bus. If the bus is late I get angry and I pace.

Even someone that can go with the flow has a set pattern. Even on the bus I sit on the same seat every day unless someone else is in it then I sit close by. Being anal about punctuality has a bonus though, I am almost never late to work. and I call in sick when I am under the weather.

Why are us autist so ridged when NTs are so pelt-melt? I can't tell you why I have to do the things I do. I'm not inflexible, I do other things within my morning routine like get a cup of coffee on the way to work, or cast runes or do tarot before I leave. In the afternoon I am back on the computer and I don't get off until I go get something to eat. Occasionally I go out with a friend on the weekends. But generally I keep to a pattern.

It's believe that we do this because we can't be abstract and have very black and white perspective. I don't think this is all the way true. We can be abstract but we're not black and white. I believe we're mathmatical thinkers. We follow a basic logic. A+B=C NT's don't. They are more, "A+B=whatever" They think logicily yes, but not mathematically. A mathematical thinker doesn't just put whatever answer the feels fits and then changes it when ever he likes. A+B=C that's it. For some autists, formals don't just change and when they do it doesn't make sense and we get confuse and panic. Because if "A+B=C.2 then what about the other formals and equations we follow? Does F-D+U=A now? We get angry when we're thrown off routine not because we're stubborn and we have to do things just so, but because now I don't know what to do or what the right response is and we end up panicking.

Whilst I am very flexible and I do enjoy spontaneity when I am not working and I love adventuring and exploring the new and the unknown (right brained here) Work is different. I have to follow a set of rules and routines. Getting me off these rules is not a good idea. Here is an example of this.

On Wendsday, the parents threw a big lunch for the teachers in an act of thanks. I had no idea about this. So when I walked into the Teacher's Lounge to clean the microwaves imagine my shock at all the food and teachers. Of course they welcomed me and said "Have some lunch Noranne" I was so confused and awkward (I mentioned that I was awkward and they all laughed), A+B now equals D. The math suddenly changed and I was scrambling to figure out why. I ate lunch an I appear to be totally fine but inside I was scared of getting yelled at by my supervisor. After lunch we talked before I left to go clean. She said ordinarily I wouldn't be allowed to eat in the lounge but today was ok. I nodded and was fine with it and I went back to work with some cookies and a clementine for later nomming. I was upset and confused but I went with it.

Changing routine is not something that parents do all the time unless they have to. Many know the consequences of breaking the equation to throwing a "whatever" into it. However many autists do learn to be "flexible" or rather in my case. Keep our frustrations and anger internal because gods forbid we ever get confuse when NT's do something that fucks up everything.

We also like routine I believe because we like to have a little control. One of the reasons I am so flexible at home than at work is because at home I can make my own decisions and not get punished. I don't have that power at work. So I want to know that after first period set up I start on heating second period's lunch. Because I have that power that knowledge. It's the only security I have and finally for some, it's the only comfort we have.

We like the comfort of A+B=C.

Siblings and Autism

I had a bunch of posts lined up but I can't seem to get all my thoughts organized. Hmmm. Lets see if I can remedy that. 

At first I hated Tikaani. I was only seven when first met him. He bit me and he drooled a lot. Momma had to nurse him all the time because he would spend hours crying. He was clingy and destructive. I hated him...but I was also jealous too. 

Rahmet opens this topic tonight. He was Tikaani's cousin and Hanai's youngest son. He was also a waterbender which if you are not familar with the Avatar the Last Airbender universe, is talent in which members of the Water Tribe are able to manipulate the element of water by doing martial art stances. Tai Chi was uses as a base for Waterbending. Anyway I am getting off topic. 

He was the only member of his family beside his father Maka and his uncle Amana that can bend. So he was pretty special in his family and he did get a lot of attention and praise from his parents and uncle, and all of that was torn away when Tikaani arrived. He was no longer the center of the house. So you can imagine how bitter Rahmet was when not only did someone took away your place in the sun, but this someone: 

-Breaks your toys, screams in the middle of the night, pees in the middle of the house, steals your prized possessions, bites you and makes outings and special events almost non-existent and on top of it, all your friends now desert you. 

It was no wonder Rahmet was pretty irritated with Tikaani and bullied him often. 

It was the same for me and Katie, only I was the eldest. However because of my constant habit of causing trouble and the fact I had hard time comprehending anything, I was the butt-monkey of the family and Katie's favorite chew toy. 

This doesn't apply to me or my fictional characters. Many kids with autistic siblings feel "outsourced." They often have "Normal Kid" syndrome. In which the NT or abled child feels shadowed by their special needs sibling/s and react with jealousy or contempt. This isn't uncommon, my sisters hated me. I was the family enabler and shit-stirrer I was the one that got sent to the principle's office regularly, I embarrassed them often.  

But what about Tikaani. How did he feel about his cousins? 

Rahmet was frustrating. He always wanted to see me cry. He yelled at me for no reasons or reasons I didn't understand. He always called me names. I hated it when he pulled my hair or ruffled it and it confused him when I reacted to it with pain. I didn't know how to relate to him. I was jealous he could bend make the water dance. He gloated all the time how 'easy' it was to bend. Maybe he would like me better if I could bend. I wanted him to like me. 

Autists often feel aloof around their NT siblings. We can't relate to them and we have hard time figuring out what they want from us. My sister confessed to me one day on the way to thanksgiving that the reason she was so sarcastic and mean to me was she wanted a reaction out me since I could never react typically. I just wanted to know if she loved me. When we got older we grew up a little bit but in the end we still fight and butt heads. Yet I matured greatly and Katie gained some understanding.s

I understand why NT siblings often feel angry and sometimes can be the biggest pro-cure nut balls out there. I think deep down they are still resentful of their siblings. I think subconsciously if they were 'cured' they would be easier to understand than easy to dislike. In the same concept I can understand why autists feel so frustrated and apathetic to their NT sibs. They seem to  no understand the principle of being disabled. Or the frustration of being "Llama" among other sheep. They can't empathize with use and we in return can seem get them to understand.

It's vicious cycle of bitterness and disconnect and it affects siblings of all ages. While the media paints a sweet picture of siblings wanting to help their siblings and love them. They miss the fighting and arguing, tantrum and bulling that goes behind scenes. I wouldn't be surprised that some siblings when the find out that their autistic brother and sister goes missing, subconsciously wish that they never come back. It's common. Not pretty and sweet but it's honest. 

So what can we do to connect the NT and and the autistic siblings. The first thing is to admit that not everything is going to be perfect. The second is forgiveness. I forgave Katie, Katie forgave me. We're a lot better together now that we're not living under the same roof. Which will probably help thing with other siblings. Not competing for the same affection and affirmations makes life a lot less stressful. Eventually with time, we can learn from our past mistakes and walk forward. Heck I even forgave Katie for admitting if she had an autistic child she would put it up for adoption, brave of her to state, but not something you would mention to your autistic sister, really. That was classy Katie <.< 

So what about Tikaani and Rahmet? 

Now? I am Tikaani's greatest advocate. I grew up. I spent most of my time with Shaman Jaki when I was thirteen. I studied all the time and I found strength with my faith in the ocean spirit Tui. With that I was able to shed my disdain and finally see the beauty inside my cousin. I started to appreciate his laughter, the way he rocked and wiggled his hands. As I and he grew I wanted nothing more than to be his strength. I still get frustrated with him and I feel like some days I should just jump in a canal. Yet I despite those days I wake up and start the day knowing that Tui made him for a reason and perhaps it's to teach me imperfect beauty. 

Something to think about. 

How to write genuine autistic characters

Now to change gears and returning to a topic I mentioned here I want to talk about writing genuine autistic characters and do it in a manner that is respectful and about disability in fiction and role play.

First thing you need to be aware off is how educated you are. If you know little about autism then you should do your homework before you create an autistic character. It's probably good for you to volunteer and work or spend time with autists to gain some experience before you start constructing one.  If you are autistic yourself, try playing around with different levels within the spectrum or co-morbids. Like if you are Asperger, try playing an Aspie that has seizures, or a character that is PDD-NOS with a savant talent. Broaden your horizons.

Now as autistic fiction writer, we have obligation to provided a few tropes to RPers and readers that are non autistic. Yes these people expect stereotypes and key-words to identify the autistic person. Now as an autist myself I do get irritated when people see the autist and then pull the Goldilocks Rebuttal. Either he is "wrong" and I am playing the character "wrong" or he too "autistic" to be any use in the fic/game or not autistic enough and they can't tell. The latter shows up with my HFAs once in a while. Cori and Wilson are on the high end of the spectrum both are 'superheroes' (Wilson has clairaudiance and the ability to communicate to Angelics and Demonics, Cori can cause hyper-growth with plants and can control them, Ollie is the only non-verbal and is a powerful psychic) so the superpowers act as balancers in sense allowing them to participate in big events (villians and shit) but still be disabled and yes their autism does interfere with them saving the world. Tikaani is my only autist OC without a huge balancer.

Now what is a balancer? A balancer is positive trait that compliments the negative traits. In other words it balances them. If you have autistic character that lacks a balancer, sure you can write him but he would be hard for NTs to relate to or like and for some autists might be grating for a character to have too many faults and feel like he is something to pity. 

However there are some tropes to be aware of when doing a fictional autistic character. While balancers are great to even out the flaws and strengths of your character the "Rainman" trope is common tool for autistic characters even Tikaani borderlines this with his perfect rhythm and his ability to repeat conversations verbatim. Ollie has this by default as he is telekinetic but he is also non-verbal and no he doesn't communicate by telepathy (he uses an augmented communication device). Don't over use it to the point that the disability because irrelevant and useless and it's ghosting this trope. Tikaani also rides this trope a few times, while that trope can be a balancer it can be done poorly to the point the character becomes something of an insult. 

Occassionally you might have autistic character with the Handicapped Badass trope. Now this is very hard to execute in fiction. Because you don't want to over do it and thusly wind up with this, and like Crouching Moron; Hidden Badass, have a character that is joke. Chiko rides the former trope occasionally, he's an amputee so airbending with one arm is kinda badass.  Best way I know for executing this is to have the autist stand up for himself. Finally put his foot down. \

Now also you need to keep aware not to over do with the fact Character B is autistic you can mention it upon introduction but let actions speak. Also don't jam said autistic character with over done NT stereotypes on how autistics act. While you can have a few because to be very frank, NTs are clueless when it comes to autistic characters even with those with siblings on the spectrum. But don't over jam them to the point your hitting the Sympathetic Sue trope and or the character become again a joke. Not every autistic character has to hate being touched. Tikaani communicates mostly with touch only Cori and Ollie don't like being touched or hugged. Not every autist is good with math or science. Wilson is obsessed with mushrooms and botany, but he the only "science orientated" autist I have. Tikaani might be hyperlexic, and Ollie is also hyperlexic but Cori took forever to learn to read. You can make your character autistic but don't worry about making them too subtle. Just understand that every autist is unique. 

Finally don't shove your disability politics into your character so he won't be come a mouthpiece. Tikaani might be anti-cure if he was in our time period. He also very much a self-advocate, yet is also very very quite about his opinions and probably won't be an activist or might think neurodiverse activists as obnoxious zelots. Ollie was a bio-med child and is something close to pro-cure. Yet he is worried if being cured mean he will lose his powers. Wilson is very apathetic to cure and probably sees himself as cured. Cori is probably the only one that would actively embrace neurodiversity but would probably advocate cure for low-functioning autists. As you can see none of my character share the same politics I do. 

Finally, I am still working hard making a believable autistic character I will definitely accept critique as long as it's constructive. 

Bard out
 

The kitsune illusion and thoughts on priviledge

Foxes were thought to live lives much like people, and in art they often interact with each other in a partially anthropomorphic form, standing on two legs and wearing clothes. But to enter the world of humans they had to look completely like them, as foxes caught trying to trick people with disguises would be severely punished, and often wound up in soup. A fox wishing to transform itself had many special techniques at its disposal, such as placing a human skull on top of its head and praying to the Big Dipper. A careless fox might still leave elements of its anatomy unchanged beneath its clothes, usually a tail but sometimes fur and paws as well, and sometimes it was thus discovered.

From Kitsune entry on Obakemono

Pretending to be normal is hard work. It's constant struggle to keep the illusion that you are human and not a 'fox'. My ears appear sometimes and my tail and I will always be a fox. But I have to disguise myself as a human to live happily. 

The illusion of normalcy is a guise that HFA wear often. We have too. It's not a choice that some may want, but it's a choice we preform on a regular basis in order to survive. For some it's tasking and over whelming. For others, it's gets wary after a long while many are tired of being "human". Misanthropy is a common side-effect. 

I used the allegory of the "kitsune" to demonstrate a point that being what you are not is not easy and not simple either. Normalcy is what many want to achieve, and those autists are blind-sided by the idea that 'normal makes everything better' or better than being autistic. Some that live highly complex and impaired lives and understandably, having that impairment lessen would be tremendous. I know this well as someone that deals with depression and mania as well as anxiety. Having those qualities  removed would be tremendous. However I feel that many are naive to assume that us "ninja autists" live easy and impairment-free lives. That is not the case. I am not living an easy life because I can handle sensory information better or being verbal. Even Ari probably has disability in his life too. But he works hard in keeping it in check all the time while public. He even states in articles that it's exhausting. Why do people have this delusion that Aspies don't struggle like LFAs do? Whilst we lack many difficulties, our problems are on the same page. We struggle to process information, we have cognitive functioning issues, we have sensory issues and we have a hard time communicating. Our problems are different but not any less valid. While I believe no one is disagreeing that. I feel that people don't understand how hard it is some times to be "human" when you're a "fox". 

Of course this is "old meme" and every parent has heard it before but I just thought I should give my two pennies about it.

Now on a different matter but on the same hand. What the hell is with all this privilege? I was reading this post on Kim's blog and it brought up a thought that I talk a lot about and even mentioned on my old "Fucking Ethics" essay. 

Why are NT's so gung ho in throw their privilege around? Why do parents always seem to assume what they want is what their child wants? As I stated in several blogs. I am pro-choice. I am neither anti or pro cure. Why? Because cure is such a loaded word and it has several meanings for some people. For some it means to speak for others it means not to be loaded with sensory information to the point of chronic overload. It's personal. Therefore it should be the choice of the autist. Problem is that we either have hierarchy or NT Privilege making statements and judgments that reek of ableism or disconnect. The thing that I see a lot of are parents (namely NT) that never confer or talk to their older autistic child about treatment or cure or the parents of younger ones who have this Holy Grail kind of goal and don't try to break it down. They need to realize eventually your son or daughter is going to have opinions of their own? What will you do when your child says: 'I don't want this program/diet/medicine anymore?' Or inverted. What will you do when your child asked to be cured? How will you go about that anti-cure parents? 

On the other side. Aspies need to STFU up when they say, "oh no cure for us HFA but them LFA need it." No. Not your choice either. I should be the person choice of individual not the heard. Especially when you do say that your basically taking a huge dump on the rights and awareness of of other 'Purple' autists and furthering the massive disconnect between they spectrum ends. Stop it. Also, while I shouldn't bitch at this. LFA's that want cure shouldn't be frowning at the LFA that use aug communication or have been institutionalized and don't want to be cured and are happy as is. Really when I say it's personal it's personal. In some context if an Aspie wants a cure then I hope he finds it. It's not going stop me from shaking my head in pity though. But I will wish him the best.

I think cure is too personal to be decided by a group or an observer. 

Also. I will get a picture of Tikaani up for everyone to say thanks for the donations <3

Expenses and Pin-holing

HURP DURP

I had the wrong address on my chip in thing. HUUUUUR it's correct now. 

As of late things have been really tough and I would like to talk about my job but I am having a communication block with it so I don't know if I would be literate enough and it didn't just come down to WHARGLGARBLE!

You probably also notice the little donation button on the top of my page. That is the Seroquel Fund. I am raising $90 dollars so I can have the money I need to buy my pills. These are not life or death, but the money generated get me my meds needed to dissolve the paranoia and anxiety I have. Pills are $30 for thirty pills, Thats a buck a pill. HELLLL NOOOOO. I will be looking into generics to replace the seroquel monkey on my back. But in the mean time

Help a sistah out.


It was simple work. Load boxes into carriage, take them out. Tikaani had no problem with doing the task. But was boring. He could have been learning how to follow people undetected or re-reading old texts on rituals in the South Pole for calling upon spirits. Instead the was stuck with getting boxes from the docks and carrying back. He might as well be an ostrich-horse.

This opening fiction starts off our topic on dumbing down and pin-holing disabled folks in menial jobs.

I've seen a lot of intelligent autistic men and women get stuck in these dead-end or very laborious jobs with no real reason besides. "Well this all I can do." It's something I experienced going through the job wheel and getting jammed into simple jobs that I had no interest in. Also, these were jobs that I wasn't good at either but I had no choice.

Many autists are getting very little training and BVR is a joke. What's worse is that our splinter skills are hard to place. It's a recipe for disaster. Poor social services and very complex and individual autists equals: Crap jobs that isn't enough to pay for services needed.

Not all of use end up as professors, nor IT. Kim's post explains it more.

It also goes into the whole stereotype that labor based jobs are the only jobs that DD folks can preform with limited cognitive skills, it also seems that to be the case for high fuctioning autists but not for the same reasons. 

It's a hot mess. 

All talk no walk

God I am so angry.

Just a quick rant before going to bed, but even though I support neurodiversity and self-advocasy. What they hell is ASAN doing to help us autists that are actually starving or homeless or relying on the Government? As Ari gone without food, unsure about his future? I don't hate who I am. I hate the frustration. That neither side is helping autists out.

We're dying here and were too busy bickering. ASAN needs to stop dick-dodging and get to work. Pro-cure or whatever needs to get their heads out of the fucking sand and help us. Because this is what your kids will become.

I want to do more than just rant. I want to stop blogging and get money into a vocational center for autists, get us jobs and housing. Gets us health benefits. I want to be independent but I am on my own but it's like walking on broken legs.

Somedays I hate myself, somedays I celebrate.

Both groups are doing nothing but talk. They need to shut up and get to work. Both sides. Both sides need to shut the hell up. Because the next tragedy on the news could be your friend, your child. Are you going to let another autist die in a insinuation or on the streets? Go without food?

What are you doing to help us adults out ASAN? Autspks? NAS? Huh?

What are you doing to solve this problem?

Relief and the good kind of overload...

It was wonderful, this feeling of drowning in pleasure. Like an overload when things are too much. It is too much..but then relief, if someone open the lid of a bubbling pot and let the steam out. I feel exhausted but not unhappy. I like this feeling of being overwhelmed and then getting that relief. I want the pot to bubble up again so I can free the steam.


OK kiddies this is an adult only post. All you little ones under 18 need to skedaddle.

Opening fiction is Tikaani describing what an orgasm feels like to him. Tikaani's sexuality for a long time is mostly masturbation and various experiments with what turns him on. It isn't until he is around his mid-twenties does he experience intercourse.

For many autists out there, this is very familiar. We're all have fondle ourselves and tried to figure out how get that certain sensation many find it and enjoy it some don't, and for some, intercourse is far away while others have found it and appreciate the experience. Now not all autist are sexual. Some are very asexual for many reasons. Sometimes the sensations are overwhelming and not the good way, some actually hurt. Though it is a lie that autists even "Purple" autists are not sexual or have no concept of sex.


Sex for me is very wonderful thing. I will not tell you all of my sexual habits but release is actually helpful and helps me reorganize thoughts and center me sensory-wise. I feel better and often sleep better. In one experiment fiction with Tikaani he also compares orgasm to using the restroom. It is refreshing and relieves a pressure and need. In some sense sex including masturbation, is form of bodily release, though not completely necessary (like using the toilet or eating) it does serve a very functional purpose.

Problem is many autists are curious but unsure how to approach sex and some are very shy and with the right-wing pro-christian agenda, exploring one's sexuality is often discouraged and for some autists breaking those rules are often hard to do (It was for me when I was Christian) so many are ignorant on many aspects of sex and it poses a host of challenges.

First off, many don't know what their boundaries are and that can cause a lot of problems. They might preform a sexual act and injure themselves (I have done this). Or not know what tools many help them explore their sexuality safely. Many might not understand contraceptives or might be too paranoid about them which causes a lot of unwanted anxiety (Was paranoid about getting pregnant until I got an IUD and I didn't sleep or cry because of said anxiety). We shouldn't leave young autists to figure things out via internet. It's unreliable and irresponsible. Parents however don't have the responsibly alone to teach their child about the finer points of 'insert tab A into slot B' peers and dear friends of autistic people should also help educate and assure autistic people that experimenting and doing it safely is ok. Especially since many teens and young adults of any neuro-type, don't always feel comfortable asking parents about sex and what feels good. Friends shouldn't laugh or look at their autistic friend oddly for asking questions about masturbation or what a g-spot is. Nor should they dismiss them with 'Go wiki/google it' it's unhelpful and creates distrust.

Autistic people of all colors should have the freedom to explore their sexuality without fear of being reprimanded by parents or mocked by peers. Parents and peers and other autistic friends that have experience should pitch and encourage that need to...let the steam out.

Employment and the sociopolitics of having a neurological disablity or a mental illness.

One of the greatest strengths of being autistic is that we are a diverse people. It's also a huge downfall in the same hand. Because of this pelt-melt chaos that is the spectrum. It makes it hard to erect standard accomodations and thusly makes it hard for employers to employ autists.

From my experiance from being a formal diagnosised autist, I've noticed that having a formal diagnosis is vastly better than using one's personal bias as validation. Though I do advoid discussing self-dx because of my own personal issues, I've noticed that having some paperwork can be helpful when asking for accomodations but in the same tone. It's grossly haunting to have files in the NIMH, so the self-dx have that advantage.

Also the biggest issue when it comes to work, is that information on autism is so skewed that any proper training or education for employers and colluges is really subjective.

In another perspective, the mad-community has similar if not identical issues with the neurodevelopmentals. Having a mental illness and not a lot of education means more people with schizofrienia and bi-polar, addictions. borderline personality and more get shut out just as autists are. it seems those with physcial socially accepted disablities have a little more grace since there a pratical standards for accomadations. Whilst, the mad and the autistic community are so diverse so such predicable protocols are unheard of.

Now to change pace a bit, I've seen a good portion of the aut-comm, play the "Opression Olympics" when it comes to being marginlized and ignored by the neuroaccpeted population. We tend to hog the spot light a little and act like every bad press about a murderer with a mental problem is going to be accused of having an ASD. I had to lift my eyebrow a little and look to my friends with mental disorders. Especially my friend who is PTSD, Bi-polar and Schizo. And let me tell you guys, having the kind of disorder that is almost always associated with serial muderders and psychotics isn't as horrifying has having the "Rainman" stereotype. At least our disablity isn't a plot point for a villian.

In that same token I've seen autists play the "at least I am not like those people" game, to the members with MIs. Really? Do you want to sound hypocrital here? Apparently it's not ok for parents with Asperger children to disassociate from the indivuals that are on the "blue" or "purple" end of the spectrum as well as "red" autists to do the same thing. But fine for us to disassociate from other members who have alterly wired minds?

Such a pity, since many seriously empathize with autistics with sharing a simliar history of being seen as "weak" and "crazy" and "burdens". We should try not to shove them away or try to scoot from them, but reach out and communicate and create a bridge of empathy and respect. Many autists share dual diagnosises of MI and need the affirmtation that beimg different no matter how your mind is made, is ok. Also in that fashion, we should note that treament for there disorders is their choice not ours just as treatment for our autism is our choice and not the neurotypicals. We should respect the bi-polars and schziofriencs that can self-manage their pyschosis without medication just as we should respect those that need the seroquel or topamax.

We should reach out and help those who ask for it and support those that walk their paths with little help and with great courage. I admire my friend Jermemy or as I loving call him "the Fat-ass" (he calls me short-shit despite the name theses are private nicknames and have no perjorative meaning attach to them) he and I are both walking our live paths and want to be treated as human beings. I think we have that in common with they mad community and something that we should work together on.