On the context of 'Broken'

On the context of ‘Brokenness”

I never liked the word ‘broken’ to describe anyone. Not because ‘no one is broken’ but because it’s so flat and incomplete of a word. It has no form, or context. The word tells me nothing, because what exactly is broken and why are people so offended by it? In regards to disability, people think that ‘broken’ limits, dehumanizes and restructures a person around their disability ignoring the good and the positive skills they have. Yet when you do look at the good and positive you also need to balance it. It’s one the many reasons I feel like bringing this up and using some of the character I write with in my fiction. One that many already have known, for this essay, instead of Tikaani as my avatar pseudo-person its, Chiko my airbender original character which I think fits a bit better.

One of the most frustrating about disability narratives in fiction, is the idea that for the story’s arch to be completed the person with a disability must A) Accept his disability or B) learn to defeat it and be comparatively normal and like everyone else. Both are rather half-ass and shoddy endings, but most of these are written by able bodied people who never had a disability or that experience so they are just contextualizing as someone that woke up disabled than someone born with one. It’s one of the reasons I like Toph from Avatar. She is born blind so her narrative is not about her blindness but people’s perception and her ability to surpass that. In some way, Toph is broken, but her brokenness is not her disability but whole experience of being patronized and coddled by her parents, of her constantly having to match up to her sighted peers and putting walls among people because she is afraid of being seen as weak. With that all in context, she is a broken character. Brokenness is not about disability, it’s about social perception of worth, of value and reclaiming that word not as a flaw but as a paradigm. Brokenness should be part of the character’s narrative; it shouldn’t be a hurdle for the person to get over, because frankly, it never actually happens in real life. 

Chiko’s narrative is being used because I use Tikaani a lot his narrative isn’t about accepting and deal with a sudden disability but social stigma and moving against it. Chiko on the other hand has to deal with much in short time. For those that don’t follow the show or know the canon, this might be confusing and there is a special interest blurb about the show somewhere so you can do your own research. Yet, for those that are aware, the show brings up the fact that a race of people (Air Nomads) have been wiped out, Chiko is one of them and he and his family survives. Barely. His missing left arm is reminder of that massacre at his temple and it does haunt him. He does have phantom pains, he does deal with nightmares and flash backs and all that crap. His missing arm is a point of grief of him. The thing I want to bring up with Chiko, is that his narrative isn’t about his missing arm though it does feel like that, but honestly about his frustration of constantly being jarred around and dealing with a massive war. It’s about growing up on the battlefield and about being considered an outsider but not because of his limb but because of his social context. Chiko does seem himself as ‘broken’ but not in the idea that it’s because of his missing arm, but because he is considered unworthy to live, that he isn’t meant to be here and to him, surviving while others died, isn’t fair. He doesn’t get closure or sort of respite. His brokenness, his hurt, doesn’t go away if he gets a prosthesis or finds a stable home, the war will still be there and people will still die. Giving a disabled person an accommodation or a tool, doesn’t make their brokenness go away. Chiko’s value isn’t undermined by his brokenness, his love for his brothers and his willingness to never submit isn’t challenged by it. Over all, he isn’t less of a person for being ‘broken’. 

Which is I suppose the crux of the argument really. Tikaani isn’t less of a person, neither is Chiko neither am I. Brokenness doesn’t minimalize a person. Which is why next to ‘broken’ I hate the word ‘different’. People think that broken is a word that strips a person’s self and negates them but different doesn’t do that. I don’t believe that. Calling someone different, doesn’t negate that they are broken but accentuates it. It’s still isolating, negative and othering. Calling Tikaani ‘different’ doesn’t remove the fact he lives in a universe where his humanity is always in question, where is feared a shadow of a person and one that gambles with spirits. Saying that Chiko is different, doesn’t negate his missing arm. His nightmares or the fact his people are dying and being systematically killed (So much for Avatar being a ‘children’s’ show) and watching his whole world being set on literal fire. So I cringe when able bodied people saying that I am “differently abled’ thinking that my humanity isn’t questions or the alienation I feel evaporated by well-meaning sympathy. It doesn’t help. It doesn’t make me feel any less included. I don’t want to downplay either of my characters stories because I wouldn’t want mine negated for the sake of the comfort of abled people. I don’t believe calling me ‘broken’ strips me. No more than calling me different or special. I am either. I am just a wild satyr, an organic android, a bard with no song. 

I want people to see the brokenness and love it. Because it is a part of me it’s not separate thing. It is me.

The Monster That I Am

art work by Lucy Dreir aka Thug of my 'satyr-sona' Kalypso.

After spending about 5 years in disability right and identity politics, I have learned that I stopped caring about language and personal labels. What people call themselves is none of my business what they reclaim isn’t my problem until it comes one. But I guess this is a commentary on a word that I took offense to that now I want to actually redirect and reclaim. 

For those that have seen my art, I draw a lot of satyrs and fauns. I have bit of an attachment to them and other fae like creatures. I have made pair of satyr dolls (Santos and his mate Krysanthe which found loving homes when I raffled them off at Beltane) and I working on a third one and I have project in mine for a centaur doll. I don’t know when this attachment started or if this is a special interest but I’ve always filled my pages up with fauns and satyrs, dragon people, snake people and various kinds of nonhumans. I write about them and their lives in my stories as well. To me their lives are more interesting than any of the humans I write or draw. In some way I have appropriated my character’s nonhuman identities in regards to myself. I know that this is probably a response to the years of abuse and marginalization in which my humanness has been taken from me. As an autistic, I’ve been pretty much been swamped by the “changeling’ label and I’ve discussed ‘changeling culture ‘(the idea that our children has been taken by anthromorphed disabilities and we need to ‘free’ them from it) at length and frankly this isn’t a re-hashing of old news. In some way I took that label of ‘monster’ of ‘nonhuman’ and I embraced that metaphor. If I am not human to you, then a monster I’ll be. 

This is not to say that I am not human at all or that I don’t deserve to be treated like one. If there is an ongoing theme with my nonhuman characters, is that they don’t asked to be treated like a human, to subvert what makes them a merman, satyr, dragon folk or whatever. But rather for people to accept that difference, as valid as their humanness and that their satyrness isn’t something that needs to be tamed in order to live among human society but instead, for it be recognized that it’s ok. That it is alright to be something other than human. Granted, authors have been waxing identity politics with using fantasy races, aliens and robots or whatever, as a metaphor for race, gender, sexuality or…whatever. But in regards to that, I’ve noticed it’s always the human being the protagonist. He or she is face with the racism and oppression as someone that benefits from an unfair system and it’s about her or him realizing it and undoing it. It’s rarely about the nonhuman dealing with the unfair system and the expectations forced on him through it and when it is, there is the human acting as the audience avatar or translator. I never found that necessary really. I don’t need a normal person translating my autistic or transgender experiences to a cis or allistic person. This satyr doesn’t need to explain himself or why he does the things does, to you or anyone else. 

When I was working  on “Drinking the Styx, “ I wanted to make sure there were no humans in my story as part of the main cast that cast was going to satyrs and their experience didn’t need to be translated or explained away by humans or human sidekicks. I wanted to be clear that Hermes isn’t a human it’s one of the reasons I spent so long drawing him and his design. I wanted his eyes to be alien and strange, to be hard to relate to at first but eventually you see him with all of his satyrness, daddy issues and problems with mental illness. I shouldn’t have to soften him, maybe him less goatish for my readers. I don’t compromise. 

It’s the same reason I refuse to make Tikaani completely verbal, it’s the same reason I don’t always submit to the idea that I need to wear my ‘mask’ in order to be valued. I should be valued even when I am flapping, shrieking or talking to you plainly. My worth shouldn’t be based on how functional I am or how well I pass. Yet, it is. My identity as a ‘monster’ is measure how well I can hide my fangs, my horns, my long floppy ears any everything about me. It’s how well I can make eye contact, how well I speak, how articulate I can be, how well I can follow verbal cues (when I can’t process them very well) how well I can sacrifice myself for someone with little respect for my own needs. Those are things that people want from me, from others. 

When I do pass, I am seen as ‘over coming’ that I am ‘rising above’ something .  My disability mainly, no one actually realizes how much work it is and many autistics have explained this. But I want to continue to make it clear on how aggravating it is to pass, even when in spaces it’s ok to flap. Because in the end someone is going to see your fox tails and or goat eyes and jump twenty feet in the air and go “Wait! You’re not human!?”  I don’t see my disability as something to be compromised to make you feel better; I don’t see people being friends with a goat man like me, like it’s an act of charity. You’re not a better person for not starting at my horns or hooves. You don’t get good karma cookies for not mentioning that I am walking on my toes or chirping.

It’s being a decent human being, to a decent satyr.

 

Does this Unit have a Soul?

One of my more recent addictions lately has been lately the Mass Effect Trilogy that you can play on Xbox. It follows a very "choose your own" adventure sort of story where your choices do have certain consequences (Before anyone starts I don't want wank about the ending), it's enticing to me as I play through discovering planets, aliens and re-discovering a genre that I love but don't find a lot of good material on it, "Space Opera".

In the first game the big bad was a race of sentient machines called the geth. For the player they are simply crazy robots bent on destroying everything. In the second game we meet a character called Legion who explains a bit about the geth and their perspective on things as well as their view point on why the rose up against their creators the Quarians.

We have seen this song and dance before. This is an old trope done before, where machines fight against their masters and we must destroy them before they kill everything. In some cases with androids or robots, the Velveteen Rabbit trope is used to make them more approachable to humans. Over all this is nothing new and it borders on cliche even. But the whole idea of Legion recalling the memories of many geth that he stores and explains the situation in his perspective is kind fascinating and something I look forward too when I get to that part of the plot.

The reason I bring this up is because androids and robots seem parallel autistics in a sense. Writers use similar tropes to portray us. The "Autistic Killer" echos a bit of about a crazed machine that goes haywire and snaps and kills it's masters. The love of a NT woman to normalize and Autistic man is another echo on the idea the love of a human woman can give humanity to a machine. Autistics have been used lately to be the new "android" metaphor, it's common in films like Adam and books like House Rules that the autistic is used to be a figure for something that is uncanny and not truly human. It's the idea that autistics are so familiar or so foreign or so tragic that they are more like robots than people. The reader gets to know the autistic as outsider or Other. NT writers tend to write autistics as tragic context that needs a happy result for the story to be complete. Other times they come off as plot furniture. This is nothing new or needs repeating, we all know this from various books.

What I am getting at is like the geth writing it's own story without the outside perspective of the Quarians; autistics tend to do the same thing. I find more autistics writing their own novels and stories in their perspective. Their narratives and fiction have more power than the ones written by NTs, because their narratives are from their own collective, their own context. Not one made from guesses or ideas on how autistic should be but rather what they really are. This is interesting to watch as autistics are starting to craft their stories. Regardless of what the rest of community might scoff or say; we are the archivers of our own mythology.

Saviors and Sinners

I haven't been posting a lot lately mostly because I just felt so out of it (FTR I have LJ too that has been neglected as well) and posting hasn't been on my priority list. Well to change that I decided I wanted to put forth a recant of a topic that I like talking about.

-Writing autistic characters

I state this topic a lot, but I approaching this from another side. A side that has been touched a lot but I never really discussed it; and that is writing from the perspective of an non-aut parent. Writers do it a lot to the point of creating a bizarre schism between the main perspective and the alternating one. It's seen with 'House Rules' mostly and even with 'With the Light' there is the same parallel POVs. One reason this happens is because the writer (NT mostly) envisions that that autistic view point is so alien that the reader will never understand and we need an NT guide (the parent) to make sense of it or to have it as the main view point because we certaintly can't focus it on the autistic.

This is frustrating as an autistic person, because while parent focused stories are awesome and full of jazz, the autistic POV stories are few to none, and if done, often have 'translator' character to help the reader. Autistic characters are different to write yes, but they are not impossible to empathize and connect. I got a lot of push-back and arguing from beta readers and ex-RP partners that couldn't relate to Tikaani. I would take it seriously if I didn't work my ass off to make sure Tikaani could be approachable to NT readers. The thing is though I didn't have to make him approachable to NTs at all, I could make him a character for autists alone and tell all the NTs to GTFO. The thing is I wanted Tikaani (and at one point Wilson another autistic character of mine) to be teaching character. To be a reference point for readers, if they can befriend and connect to a fictional character. Maybe connecting to a real autist wouldn't be so tricky.

The deal is that people find it tricky. Enough that most autism narratives (fictional ones and non fic) are all done with parents. Writers never consider the autistic perspective unless they want a "exotic" and "foreign" viewpoint. Autists are never normalize or seen as regular people. They are done either to be "sooo straaaange" or be a character obstacle for the parent to defeat. It's is done time and time again in media. What is really haunting about this. Is that in real life a similar effect is also happen. If I am a non-autistic parent raising an autist. I will get a lot of readers and support. As an autist myself with his blog, non aut readers like to read my blog to 'gawk' or say how 'brave' and 'inspiring' I am. Parents will bring up their kids and compare them to me. In fact in many circles, autistic children have been used as "street cred" measuring sticks. I have seen parents time and time again use their own kids and compare them to an autistic adult to validate adult's DX (Well you seeeeem like my son so you must be on the spectrum) it's mind boggling but common.

The point of this is bring up a fact. Autisitc perspectives in fiction are not "weird" or alien. Writing them and making them relatable is not hard. It says a lot about a culture when and about you, you think you can't relate to me because of my DX.

Chiko Anatomy notes (NSFW)

This post is not intended for children under the age of 18 contains mentions of nudity.




I haven't drawn Chiko in a awfully long time. So after some thought I decided to sketch him and discuss a bit some some base note on his body structure.



Chiko is rather short. Around five feet and four inches he's is actually average compared to his ethnic group, but to us, he's kinda puny. His build is bordering stocky (all those dumpling Chi-bird), he's fit and has some definition especially around his legs. He still suffers from some balance issues but compensates with excellent reaction time and good ol' airbender speed.

He is pretty cute as far as attractiveness goes. He has a short but round face, round noise and thin lips. Hair is actually slightly wavy but it's cut short to prevent it frizzing. Despite the various scars on his body (most are from the massacre like his missing arm) he's not that bad looking. However Chiko is very self-conscious (you can't blame him) and covers his left side a lot to prevent people from noticing his missing arm. He can hold his own in combat and is quite good in air-bending. His main flaw is his left side, however he has incredibly fierce kicks that can shatter stone and can whip up great gales. He can still fight with one hand which is something he likes to brag about occasionally.

He's a work in progress, but I hope to make him more distinct.

Tikaani post because there has been a lack of storytelling here

And no. I am still not feeling productive

Again told in Hanai's point of view and modernized for brevity's sake.
Summer has always been a very loosely structured time for Tikaani, Maka is at work as is Amana and Tikaani is often under stimulated. As a parent to my growing autistic nephew (who shot up another inch this summer and is getting close to 6'2" by the way) I feel it's my duty to make sure he is simulated and enriched. Code words out of my hair and out of my face. I can only deal with "AUNTIE!" only for so long before I shout something vulgar and throw him outside.

Mondays have been pool days when the weather is over 85F, if it's rainy or too cool it's Movie Day or going to the rec center. Tuesdays have been going to the library, Wednesdays have been hiking days were we drive out and go for long afternoon hikes at the nature park, Thursdays is going to see a Movie at the dollar theater, Fridays are Soccer days playing at local team at the rec center and weekends are "Boy days" which my husband and brother drag my nephew's brown ass into the Mini Van for whatever half-baked attempt for male bonding. Normally it's fishing or canoing which Tikaani adores but Maka had brilliant idea of taking Tikaani to the shooting range with he and Amana. Yeah brilliant idea, lets take the kid with sensory processing issues to a place with a lot noise and weird smells(not to mention GUNS!). Tikaani came home exhausted and grumpy and threw a huge fit around shower time. When I heard why he was so surly, you best believe I cussed our my spouse in five different languages and had him on the futon that night.

Now the routine is becoming too familiar to him. Movie days are not enough and Soccer is over. So my nephew has been outside on the trampoline or in the garden or riding his bike. That is until he gets bored again, then it's "AUNTIE CAN I HAVE ______" for three straight hours. School can't come quick enough.

However I have not been looking forward to the IEP meetings and getting back on the routines for Junior year. His last aid Mr. Howe, was retiring. He was one of the best aid I had with Tikaani, he knew his strengths and challenges and worked withhimnot with everyone else. Tikaani liked Mr."Jack" as well and often referred to him on his keypad as "Very nice good guy with Game Boy. Now we had a fresh out of undergrad school bubblegum chewing white chick to be his new aid. I met her Yesterday at our first IEP meeting, setting goals for him for this year. Tikaani was with me for this one and had his laptop and used that to communicate. The primary teachers for his grade this year asked him questions on what he wanted to do for this year, he told them he wanted to make more friends and get "Surprisingly Good marks" We've set up goals for graduation including him going to a Career center as well as him learning to manage his own schedule as well as his own money and time. Then the aid showed up, she was running late which didn't impressed me but when I saw her I knew things were going to be tough year. She was upbeat over bearing and over energetic. She was a typical well..NT. Tikaani who had calm body language and was doing well, immediately recoiled when "Micah Thomson" started gushing on how excited she was about working with him and how much fun they were going to have this year. She talked fast and wore too much body splash. Needless to say Tikaani was bit off put by her.

I told her about this years goals including
-Job Training
-Social skills building
-Refining communication
-Life Skills training at school (like managing lunch money)
-Extra circular actives
-Minimizing time in Special Ed

Tikaani was still spending mornings and late afternoons in Special Ed we're hoping to have that just one period a day by mid year. She was enthusiastic to work with him and talked mostly to me and never to him which was red flag to me. But I didn't give up on her yet, time will tell.

End of the meeting we headed to do some groceries and Tikaani said that he was "Unsure" about Micah. I told him to give her time that she'll eventually mellow out. Tikaani looked dubious about that, I couldn't blame him, but I still had faith that things will work out.

First day of school is next week, this will a good test to see if Micah is really a good fit for Tikaani.

Storytelling with Non-human characters(part 1)

Or the Mythos of Other,

I know I know I update this month with a "money jar" post and not a real one. I know I know I suck. So I ma gonna make it up to you with a real post not a shitty one.

Now I've discussed previously on writing autistic and how to do it right, as well as the tropes involved in writing autistic characters. However I decided to write about another similar topic. How to write fantastic non-human characters. From mythology or imagination, and how they both play the role of Other.


Like writing autistic characters, there are rules involved with writing characters based from myth. Each creature has it's own set of rules on how that creature appears in the myth and how it acts. The trick is playing with those rules and not breaking them so the creature is unrecognizable from the myth (I am looking at you Myers). A good example of this is my character Pavlos. He is a RP character in a Disney's Gargoyles RPG (Text base), He's a Satyr and follows some basic rules. Satyrs in myth, are lushes, woman chasers and cowards. Pavlos follows this. I've added a few things however. The fact he has affinity to magic is one as well as he also has defense mechanism called a "panic scream" which causes uncontrollable fear. The latter bit was inspired by the god Pan. I thought it would be nifty to add that in there. As you can see he still has a lot "satyr-y" features (works at a wine store, drinks excessively has a different chick every night) but still I did play around with the concept and made him my own.

This is not easy. People don't always do the research and are lazy so they think it's ok for them to make a satyr that is chaste, virtuous and sober. They can do that, but don't call it a satyr. That's like making a blind person that can see with using earth-oh wait....Ok ok that was bit mean. Honestly it takes more skill and imagination to follow the rules of a creature and still make it your own, than to completely disregard the rules period.

Now for some that are geeky enough, I know you will say "But I have my own race" ok then, the idea that you should follow the rules, still applies. If my make your own race you would also have a set of rules to follow. Breaking your own rules, will make you a sloppy writer (I am still looking at you Myers). You can have exceptions, but too many will start to expose your careless writing. A good example of self-made rules are my drakkhani, which are humanoid dragon people. They have basic rules such as:

• They breathe fire
  Have flight
  Live in tight-knit families called a dia or clan.
  they speak English with gritty accent
  They leg eggs.

Now you can make exceptions to those rules, but the trick is picking the right one and having a good explanation to why. For instance, I have genetic disorder that my drakkhani can experience called "Placental Birth Disorder". This causes the fetus to gestate completely inside the mother instead of the mother laying the egg. Birth is done by C-section and the fetus often has other complications. A good writer again knows which rules to mess with and which to keep consistent.

Writing disabled characters is like this. A friend of mind actually has an autistic non-human character, now that I think about it. The symptoms manifest differently but never the less the character is still autistic (this was made apparent in a game with one of my characters and hers had a meltdown). Writing disabled characters especially those with "rules" (symptoms), is lot like writing fantastic characters. They trick is keeping them consistent while still making them unique and captivating. It's hard work and a balancing act not everyone gets it right on the first try (Picoult I am looking at you now). Knowing which symptoms to bend and not bend is hard and trial and error experience. It takes practice and a time before you learn to get it right.

(Tikaani is still a work in progress)

Part 2 will be on biology and the like

Derpderpderp

I got bored today...so I was practicing some coloring. Yesterday I was with Melanie posting more flyers around OUS campus. We both had the great idea about confronting the AutSpks both that was at the South Oval, but closer we got the more apprehensive Mel was. As for me, well I was fired up and ready to go. I think I was channeling a little bit of Thelma that day. But she decided to talk to our group adviser and plan a more affective attack. So we decided just to flyer-bomb campus and then later she is going talk to student organization consul about using "Counter" signs, next to AutSpks signs with facts about AutSpks the organization. If this approved, well look out AutSpks *evil laugh*

It's sneezy, icky and coughy. I can't breath and hacking up green globs. I can barely tolerate the humidity or the heat. I am not use to this at all and all the dust from the roads. Rahmet says that Ba Sing Se is city of change and that adult needs to go with the flow. In fact as Water Tribe I should be more fluid to change. It's not change I am bugged out about. It's fact I can't breath at night and my nose is runny. UGH!

Gods damn allergies. I never got this back in North.

Easter Weekend I will have the prompts done. Like Tikaani I am having an icky kind of day.

Prototypes and Evolutions

Since I talk a lot about Tikaani I want to deviate and talk about another fan-character. 

Chiko was my first really complex ATLA fan-character. An Air-Nomad monk from the Southern Air Temple that survives a brutal massacre by the invasive Fire Nation. With his temple destroyed as well as most of his peaceful people. Chiko tries to survive with his temple-brothers. Yomi and Mao. He throw into a very chaotic and violent world.

He was something of a prototype for a disabled character too. Originally autistic he went through several evolutions until I got to his final form. A snarky, but well meaning young man with a grudge to bear and story to tell. He's fascinating because it was his experience that allowed me to try to make an autistic character one that was more identifiable than the ambiguously autistic characters I had that were more borderline Asperger like Chiko. So you could say that Tikaani is Chiko 2.0. But they are some definite distinctions and commonalities.

Tikaani and Chiko similarities.   

Both of them were raised in alternate families. Chiko was raised in community of monks. His father figures were all the elders of the temple. His siblings were the monks in his peer group. Yomi was originally a big brother figure for Yomi since he had older males being more parent figures. Yomi became more of a foster father after the assault and one of the only role models besides the constantly angry Mao. Tikaani was raised by his aunt and uncles. He never understood "mother" and "father" in the typical sense. Auntie was mom and Maka was dad but never officially gave them those labels. Both of them had role models outside of the norm and grew up in alternate sort of fashions

Both of them have disabilities that are permanent. Chiko's a speech impediment and physical disability are his trademarks while Tikaani is has developmental disability. Both of them try to survive with and each have their coping mechanisms 

Both of them suffered adversity. Chiko has some more racial issues because his people are being hunted down. While Tikaani is being discriminated because of his disability.

Both are opportunistic when it come to romance. Funny how they kinda ended up bi. 

The differences

Chiko is more clear in communication and despite his speech problems he is willing to barrel through them to be heard. Tikaani hates verbal speech and prefers written text. Tikaani is also very literate and a very strong reader and writer. While Chiko has some learning disabilities and struggles with reading.  

Tikaani prefers complex puzzles and games like Pai Sho. Chiko loves games and activities that allow him to use his whole body. It brings him more confidence when he can do activities despite his amputation. 

Chiko is very dominating in relationships and can be a bit controlling, while Tikaani is really passive and disconnects easily. 

Tikaani had strong mother figure, Chiko had a strong father figure. 

Chiko is very grudgy and bitter, while Tikaani forgives easily. 

It's interesting on how the are similar and different. They are both interesting and invoking characters and they are  both building my writing and character building skills. 

Shadows

The late afternoon sun cast an orange shadow on the blue icy walls of Tikaani's home. Exhaling a low sigh, the young man sunk himself deeper into the warm but salty water.
Not quite the ocean but close enough, Tikaani shut his eyes for a moment but when he opened them the shadow was gone. It confused him. What happened to it? Why did it leave? Tikaani missed the warm vermillion glow of the setting sun, on the pale walls. He made a soft moan and dripped some of the water on to the floor. Watching it drip from his finger in steady consistent patterns.
Sometimes ideas can be like shadows. One minute there are there the next the evaporate and you spent all day trying to remember what it was to bring back that elusive shadow. My words are like that. Shadows that come and go. Some days I can remember things clearly and speak. Other days the shadows are gone and things are overcast. There are things that are Not-Quite-Real and things that Real-But-Not-Seen. Shadows tend to fall into the Not-Quite-Real page. You can't touch one, or move it, but you can see it and change it to some degree. Words are also Not-Quite-Real. The have no form, no shape but people are so controlled by them. Why?

Diving back into the water Tikaani let thoughts drift...like late afternoon shadows.

As the late afternoon drifts on and the day continue to drip like water. I sigh as I procrastinate in packing and organizing thing. My evaluation for my job is coming up and I feel nervous but not scared. More nervous with uncertainty than anything else. Security is a lot like Tikaani's thoughts on "shadows" it's elusive and hard to contain and maybe it's "Not-Quite-Real" I find it hard to feel secure with my job, with my homelife with my blog. It's elusive and you can't quite touch it. The unknown of it all is like unsolvable puzzle. You can't make heads or tails of it and you spend hours predicting it. Honestly I fear the unknown. So do many NTs too.

A Heartbeat Lost Part 3 (final installment)

A Heartbeat Lost Part 3 

Shona and his brothers were already stationed outside of the East Gate that lead to the eastern expanse of glaciers and tundra. Amana and I were both on buffaloyak and carrying lanterns. Chulyin, Shona's elder brother had pair of polar bear dogs on leads sniffing the snow for any scent of my nephew. I had a grim feeling, this wasn't a simple search but a man-hunt. The group was split into teams of four. I, Amana and two of Shona's brothers, were heading northwest around the edge of the fortress to see if Tikaani was hiding around the border. The other four were going east to see if Tikaani got stuck in ice crack some place around the easterly glaciers. I gulped down a lot of air and followed Amana, while I prayed to some ancestor to please watch over Tikaani. 

The sun was starting to rise slowly, her pale face peaking along the edge of the horizon as we road away from it. Chulyin who was with our group shouted his name across the empty tundra. We had one of the dogs who was leading us more and more north. Itiaq was another of Shona numerous brothers who had a grim kind of expression on his face. He was often the prankster of the six but he was more serious today as the dawn revealed our search party. He was riding beside me and shook his head. "Maka. I know you're a very earth-bound kinda guy,  you're very real and straight forward. So. You'll understand that I don't have much hope that your nephew will be alive when we find him." I opened my mouth to say something but I quickly closed it as Amana shouted his name again swinging the light around. The dog kept rooting the snow hunting for any scent. I wanted to say No, Tikaani will be alive. He's a smart kid he will keep close to the fortress I know he will but that would be another pretty little lie.

Itaiq was right. Tikaani was more than likely dead. I didn't want to think about it  but it was true. He could be eaten or mauled by tigerwolf packs. Suffocated in a ice-hole.  Busted his head open on something or worse. It would be too altruistic of me to assume Tikaani would be alive and safe, and with that dark thought led unto another one. One of which we find Tikaani mangled and destroyed body out in the middle of tundra half-eaten. I couldn't stop that though I let it blossom inside my head. Nor did I stop the reaction of said thought. I stopped my buffaloyak and vomited off the side.

Pops, a lot of things go through  your head when  you find out your kid may be dead. I don't know what ran through my mind first, but I do know that little seed of fear and guilt grew into a massive forest of regret. I should have been more kind to when he first adopted him. I should have listen to Hanai more. I should have been more fair with him, I should have been a better teacher. 'Shouldhaves', were I heard, echoing inside. Nothing but 'what-ifs' and 'Should-haves.' I stopped calling Tikaani's name and started to prepare myself for the worst. It wasn't fair at all. Tikaani was young, and had...so much potential. Yes pops, Tikaani had potential. He had more problems than marrying a Fire Nation soldier, but he was smart, and sweet and curious. He had to touch everything. That's how he spoke.  I remembered wryly that if he wanted to wrestle he would smack my back and pull on my arm. I had a feeling I would never feel those tiny brown hands ever again.

I was ready to turn around and give up as the sun was rising high only to set quickly. Tikaani was dead. Was thing in my head at that moment. Amana promised me he would be alive but it was just...impossible it's been almost 24 hours. There was just no way. I was drowning in my own fear, guilt and self pity that I didn't hear Shona's shouts at first. It was when Amana water-whipped my shoulder than I lifted my head.
"Maka! You won't believe this! Shona found him! He's alive!!" 

He's...alive? My heart stopped again. I turned my mount around and slapped her flanks hard. I didn't waste another second. Tikaani...out of all things was live. It was a freaking miracle. That stubborn, whip-smart sonofabitch was alive. I couldn't be anymore joyous or relieved. Tikaani was alive. 

I followed Shona to where Akta and Arlukk and Kesuk were. They were by an ice cave. I stopped my mount and got off. Shona joined me and showed me to where Tikaani was hiding. "He got stuck in this cave. He must of gotten lost and wandered over here. I don't know how he got in but he can't get out. He's alive Maka but he's pretty damn cold and probably starved. He keeps backing himself deeper into that little hole he is in when we get close." Yeah that's Tikaani. Doesn't understand when people try to help him. I walked up to the ice cave which was really a hole in a glacier and knelt in front of him.

He was wide eye and shivering. He was in that damn hole for nearly 24 hours. He was probably freezing and weak, but when he saw me he reached out his hand and gave out a tiny little whimper. I got down and tried to reasure him. I stuck my hand in and let him grab and pull on it. Just to show him that I was real and that everything was going to work out. I hope. 

Arlukk and Kesuk were also benders. They told me to get back so they can try to bend him out but Tikaani just pressed himself back into the hole. I stopped them for a moment. "Don't just up and bent him out without him knowing. He won't understand. Tell him what you're doing reassure him or he will just try to hide again." Arlukk and Kesuk looked at each other for a moment before Kesuk said calmly. 
"Tikaani. It's ok. We're here to get you out of the whole. Stay. Still. Ok? We're going to bend you you. Ok?" I looked at Tikaani and gave him the hand gesture for 'wait' in hopes he would stay still. He did and Arlukk and Kesuk open the hole wide and I reached in to pull him out. Around that time pops, Amana and the other came back, Shona told him to go back to the fortress and to tell Hanai that we found him. Amana face split into a grin as I was holding him, Tikaani's big blue eyes looked up at Amana for a second before they were hidden away in my parka. 

As soon as they left and I looked down at Tikaani and I just broke down, pops. I was exhausted and still nauseated from worry. I wasted all my energy thinking that would find a corpse not a child, that I didn't have the strength to be manly and strong. So I cried. I cried in relief that he was alive and at the fear of almost loosing something so precious. I didn't know how much I loved that kid until that morning after Solstice. I was sobbing as I held him. Tikaani didn't seem to be too fearful, just curious as he was shivering and looking around when we carried him back to the fortress. I couldn't help but wonder what was he thinking? Was he scared? How did he even survive? I didn't know but I looked up at the sky again and I thanked the spirits. The goddesses and gods of my people were watching him. 

Hanai shrieked as I carried him back inside the house. Rahmet out from the sleeping quarters his mouth running how he was the man of the house and how he kept everything together. I gave Tikaani to Hanai who had some healers with her. Now Tikaani need medicine, food and rest and probably in that order and I need to rest too, but as I headed to my own room Tikaani reached out from Hanai's arms. He made a little noise and wiggled weakly. Hanai jostled him a bit and headed for the opposite room, but he still reached out for me. Normally, Tikaani always wanted Hanai when he was sick or hurt, but. Today he wanted me too. I was included for once pops. You have no idea how rare that is. So I followed Hanai with the healers and was with him as the treated him. I even held his hand.

Three days I was at his side. I never left him. He was healthy and recovered from his ordeal in no time and was up to his old mischief again. But ever since that day pops. I realized something. I realize why it's scary when you loose a child. But even more scary when that child isn't like the others. Tikaani couldn't talk or understood consequences. He was in more danger because of his condition than the circumstance, I finally saw that. I now saw how much Tikaani enriched my life, he was truly important to me. Did Tikaani's disappearance changed me? Well I still shout at him when throws his fits, scream at him when he tries to climb onto the roof. Things haven't changed too much, but I have taken the time to realized how much of impact he made in my life. He had value and I didn't recognize it until he was gone. You don't know what until it's gone is very true when you have 'special needs' children and for some parents like Tigtuk. They never realize what they are missing. 

I won't forget pops.  

With Respect
Maka and Tikaani too. 

Disablity in fiction and fantasy

As the night creeps in and I prepare to turn down so I can sleep tonight I think about a few things.

I recently read this post about Tony Stark the protagonist in Iron Man, it inspiried me to write my own post disablity and fantanstic fiction.

The thing with fantansy fiction is that it's geared to be wish-fulfilment. So having characters with realstic disablities is almost non-existant. In other fictions disabled character have better chances to get recognized and regaurded with respect and realism.Fantansy seems to avoid this.

Case and point is Toph from Avatar. Now while many like Toph, her disablity is really her greatest strength. Same could be said about T.A Barron's Merlin and Daredevil. All three's blindness is really a non-issue. Rarely in fiction do we have disablities that bring the character's potentional out and still be a disablity.

This is problem caused by the concept of "stigma" and the fact having a disablity is "bad" so many author dick-dodge this by adding a disablity that either a non-issue or a strength or tacking on a social disablity that is accepted, like acholism. But without making anything realistic or believable, it becomes quirky and a nuance than a real problem or flaw. I've seen this in fanfics and in published fiction, RP as well. I inciated a rule 'Don't give your character a disablity unless you have some knowledge other than the internet, have this disablity or have family that have it." In RP I exercise this rule often making sure people don't tack on schizofriena without understanding it or DID. I have made this mistake before and I have learned from it. Hopefully others will learn it too.

With my own characters I try to balance things. Not all of my disablied characters have an ASD, currently only "Tikaani, and the 'Leauge of Mistfits" have ASDs, Chiko is another that is questionable as is Sekar. They are more or less unintentional Aspies. I do have others that have disablities, Chiko is missing his left arm and Anil is deaf and Pema is blind (yes these all fan-benders airbenders actually) I have another blind character named Atlas. He is a wolf-alien that lost his sight in war and is bitter anthrophobic man that uses heat vision relayed from his nose to 'see' he was retired three years ago. Asher also lost his arm and was given a cyberized one. Those are the more obvious disabled characters.

Now I did have a character with an addiction, Serhyph was pretty fun but complex character. If it wasn't for the fact he was non-human with a hyper immune system he would have been dead with either AIDS or something else. He was a junky for psychedelics and used it to tain his blood to prevent vampires draining it since his blood is restorative and hemovores enjoy eating it. It also adds powerful boost into spell casting. It ends up nearly getting himself killed, he back-stabbed two elite elven leaders and nearly got his best friend murdered though his 'nee' to get high. They way I intended Serhyph to be played was a bit of a satire on the mythology in which he was based on. Serhyph is a unicorn-faun. So the whole drug addiction poisioning himself was bit irony for people who know the whole "pure hearted' deal unicorns get.

To conclude, fiction is a great medium for showing how disablities act in social contexts. Problem is, many are skewed. I am trying to show that having disablity isn't "bad" as so much 'part of life'. And how you react to it is how it's acts in your life. Serhyph dies eventually. And Tikaani becomes a shaman. Chiko dies of old age and Pema gets blown up. Life goes on. Storytelling should be more reflecting on real life than wish-fulfilment. Disablities and autism especially shouldn't be short changed or downplayed. They need to be 'real' in the story, in order to really touch people in real life.