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Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Silver Bells and Holiday Memories

Hi kids, still lurking on this blog?

Well I am still kicking, I have just been enjoying my break. However I am sure you all want to know how my holiday is going and what I have been up to (not really I am sure), so here is a short essay on holidays memories and recalling details.


Routine has been the soft fluffy blanket in my life (like the one on my lap) and one that I have hard time getting rid off (kinda like Linus with his). I like structure, simple patterns and things I can remember and organize easily. This is probably why I love the holidays. For some autists, it's chaotic and noise and bundle of sensory issues. But for me, it's a routine I can rely and remember and recall.

except for this year.

This year, is the first where I wasn't with my mom or my dad. I didn't thunder downstairs (or upstairs) to open presents. There was no holiday get together, no collective of relatives to play Taboo with. I was with Josh and his family and for some reason, I started crying on Christmas Eve about it. I was homesick, which is unheard of for me. I never get homesick and I like adventures and trying new things (occasionally when my anxiety doesn't blindside me)and this was planned back in November so this wasn't a "Sudden Change", but simply something that just occurred to me.

This is not my holiday routine.

Just for the record, I did have a marvelous Christmas with Josh's folks who treated me like I was their son, gave me wonderful presents and had a superb holiday dinner. Just to abate any fears that Christmas was terrible (because it wasn't). I will also get gifts and (give my own) to my family later after New Years. So it wasn't like I wasn't going to spend a mini-Xmas with my mom and step-dad.

Still the routine wasn't like last year, or the year before and these holiday memories didn't match or echo to ones before. The thing I like about Yule and the other winter holidays. Is the fact I can recall past experiences and go "oh yeah this is what is going to happen next", I have a library of memories than I can actually go back to to predict the next events in Winter Break, Christmas and New Years. For instance, here is what happened years back and what usually happens every year.

-I go see my mom
-I get gifts
-There is dinner at her place or at Aunt Lynn's
-Coffee and desert followed by family games.
-Go home with loot

This year was:
-Go Josh's apartment
-Hang out with him all break
-Go to his parents
-get gifts
-watch movie
-eat food
-go home

What really threw me off was the fact there wasn't a huge party of family. I wasn't playing Taboo or Apples to Apples and watching my family laugh recall memories and enjoy the peace of being with a clan.

I think that is what the crux of the essay is. I miss being with something so routine and familiar and comforting. my family both the Hannah (my mom's family) and Kramer (dad's family) I miss being with the sea of faces noise and happiness of the chaos that comes with it. It's only time when I feel happy being overloaded with noise, smell and people. For the rest of the year I am pretty much with just dad and myself. Routine and the daily grind doesn't have the right kind of overload (just the wrong) and I am stuck in a system of being underwhelmed and bored.

However while I love Josh and his family and I feel so blessed to be included. There is something to be said about missing and longing the faces you know and remember.

For an autist, family is the only thing we have (for some at least, not all) that is unyielding and unchanging. It's the only comfort we have that we can trust and while my dad has his moments when I want to scream, and my mom has her's when I want to sigh. I love them and I feel like something is missing when I can't spend the holidays with my mom.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Playing the Fool

The Fool Card

At #0 (or, in some decks, #22, the last card as much as the first of the Majors) the Fool is the card of infinite possibilities. The bag on the staff indicates that he has all he needs to do or be anything he wants, he has only to stop and unpack. He is on his way to a brand new beginning.

But the card carries a little bark of warning as well. While it's wonderful to be enthralled with all around you, excited by all life has to offer, you still need to watch your step, lest you fall and end up looking the fool.


The day after Autistic Speaking Day has left me with a sense of apathy lately. While I have been rather jaded and burnt out with the past events of doing disability activism for ASAN. I personally stopped caring about what lives I will changed or have changed or have left in doubt. You might gasp at this and find it tragic but trust me. This is me drawing the Fool Card.

I use do Tarot readings for shits and giggles. Later I got more interested in Rune casting and I actually excelled in Runes than Tarot. Still, the point of the metaphor is not about how I like to do divination for fun, but why I didn't look before I leap.

I was over doing it. I was throwing myself into my work and thus expended my emotional resources which left me a bitter, jaded and hateful person. I don't like the saccharine kids that want to be Aut-activists, my patients for parents is gone and any superheroish feelings of wanting to save the world, have all been ashed by the harsh reality that the thankless job of being an advocate doesn't bring recognition or the feeling of accomplishment that I desired. I was unhappy with myself, with what I was doing and yet I was still meeting with young women who wants answers. Writing letters to parents, going to talk to other DD self-advocates and even speaking to Melanie's class. Even today at work, I was explaining the wrongs of Aut$pks to a naive volunteer. I keep throwing my ass on the fire for some reason. Highly aware that I am being burnt.

Ladies and Gents, I like you to meet the Fool Card of the Autistic Major Arcana.

I still keep hoping that something will change. That Autistics Speaking day will actually improve relations with parents and teachers instead of becoming somesort of glorified meme. That Aut$pks will change hands with someone else that has been touched by neurodiversity and thus, will have better PR. I hope that one day ASAN will become a leading disability organization, that I will be staff one day with a paycheck. That parents will be reconmended to seek out ASAN chapters to involve their teenangers with.

It's a pipedream I am sure. I am so cynical and dry that I know I am fighting a loosing battle. Yet despite being so fucking jaded I manage to saunter merrily down the path and into a gaping chasm. Maybe the caveat isn't really the cliff in front of me, but the fact I was so blind to it and I keep climbing up and falling back into it.

Let me make this clear.
Don't self-advocate thinking that you will change the world. Self-advocate because you rather fall into the schism yourself than having someone chuck you into it.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Burnt out

I've had it.

I stretched myself too thin and now I just don't care anymore. I lost any form of interest and sympathy aut-rights over the couple of weeks and it's not a surprise. The protest was exhausting and I shutdown several times over the period of a few minutes. I was stick of parents, professionals and NT in general. I am even sick of other autists besides my boyfriend and best friend Mel. I am just so tired and done with everything.

No I am not quitting the blog.

I just don't see a reason to post right now. I might take a hiatus or post Tikaani art and short stories while I recoup. But I am just done with activism. I have bills to pay a real job to do and a life to live. I am not getting paid to be verbally abused and chided by a bunch of ignorant privileged white yuppies. I might get sucked back in because I can't leave things alone, but I hope I can have a moment of peace.

Most importantly. I am sick of not being allowed to be angry. I am sick of parents telling me to be "nice". Fuck them. You go be oppressed and then we will talk. I have a right be angry, to be furious, but full rage and hate. I don't have a outlet for it anymore.

And I am starting to take it out on my peers. That's gotta go. So I am gone until my anger and rage finds a proper channel.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

oblig, bithday annoucement

Guess who now is twenty five? That's right, this man of awesome.





Saturday, October 1, 2011

The problems with calling out "Fake Aspies"

The cold is keeping me from going outside today. Thank god. Home at Josh's I read the posts on my blogger and livejournal, trying not to scream at the monitor at the bullshit that I happen to read. With the fact that my dearest love is going to brave the cold to fight off the retail wolves. I figured I should bunker down with my coffee, and blankets. I decide I should write this essay.

For the last couple years there has been a divide lately within the general blogging and LJ atmosphere. I see this a lot in “snark” communities and communities of a less douchey nature. It's what I like to call, “Fake Aspie Call Out”. It usually follows when a someone says something rather insulting or bigoted and then hiding behind a diagnosis of aspergers or autism. Thus and individual will call them out on their actions and that they are not really an aspie. Now this is a problem. I've already discussed. My ethos with Self-DX people, personal responsibility and the privileges of being off grid. But one of my irritations is this internet-hero business when a NT (normally) calls out a person and invalidates the poster's diagnosis with anecdotal proof on what a real aspie is and that they are 'self-dx' (which is like the kiss of death in a blog) because said evidence.

This is problematic in many ways. First off, you're attacking the person for what they are. Yes the poster is at fault for using their identity as a shield. You can say: “That doesn't matter! What you said was still still sexism and rather rude!” You can call them out on their actions without attacking their diagnosis or assuming they are not really on the spectrum. Yes aspies shouldn't use their DX as a shield that is true, but assuming whether they are really autistic or not is not making them realize their mistakes. It just make them more defensive and reactionary to dialogue. It also has the unfortunate side-effect of making other auties and aspies less comfortable about discussing their DX or making sure to add reassurances that they are “real aspies” and that one is “fake”. It's also feeding the age-old notion that real aspies and auties should be submissive quiet and very welcoming of Nts “helping them”. If you shout back, resist or act like an asshole; then you are not a real autist but a fake one obviously taking the DX to excuse your behavior and ruining it for the real autists out there.

No actually, what's fucking it up for folks like us is this “real” and “internet” aspergers bullshit. I am sick of aspies throwing their fellow autists under the bus (not going to lie I've done this) and Nts knowing how a real autist should act (like after being told what is what, to be very apologetic and grovel at their feet of their typical overlord), and making the self-advocates job harder than usual (it's always been a pain in the crotch really). Is diagnosis blaming bad form. Yes, absolutely. No one should use their identity as a scape goat. But I know why they do. Getting something like autism (especially late in life) is tasking and sometimes traumatic. It's so much easier to use your new DX to rationalize everything. Over time one will learn to simply accept his or her's DX and take more responsibility for their actions. I use to blame my DX, sometimes I do when very angry and reactionary. It is a bad behavior but not one that Self-DX folks do exclusively. If someone is blaming their DX for their jerk-bag statement online. Don't assume that they are attention-fiends and only use their DX for pity. Some might be newly DX and haven't come to grips with it yet.

The idea that calling out the “Fake Aspies” is suppose to help the real autists, is based on two notions. Normal people are always jerks. Auties are never jerks. The deal is that SURPRISE you can be a dick and an autist. It's important not focus on one's diagnosis, but their actions and taking responsibility for your statements and apologize when wrong should also be just as important. For an aspie, if you are unclear with something or want to say something...snarky or you simply want to call someone out yourself. Call on their actions than what they are. If you don't understand something, getting another person that knows you to clarify privately. Might be helpful.

To conclude. Don't be an asshole to one another.

Friday, September 16, 2011

FlusterCluck: Disability in Fiction why I hate the "disability superpower" trope

This topic has been floating in my head for a long time and something that I want to approach it and actually talk about it.

aiffe brought this up recently in her post about TV shows she is watching and I responded to the parts about the show "Alphas" here. One of the issues I have within in fiction, or rather Sci-Fi and fantasy is the idea that people of disabilities needs a "karmic balance" or able-body "personal Jesus". It's something I've noticed in books and in movies when the disability is turned into a hurdle to get over or the disability must be balanced with a great power or skill in order to make up for the disability.

This is a big pet peeve and one I am going to address. While the link doesn't explain the problems concerning karmic balancing it did bring up the feelings of worry I have when I see a rise of autistic heroes especially within the Sci-Fi/Fantasy quagmire. It feels that writers have to make them a tragic hero or a naive one (like Lou Arresdale in Speed of Dark), they are normally male and asexual (and yes there are asexual auties, but their also NT asexuals too and queer auties, but autie in books/movies/tv have been portrayed as hopeless cases or asexual which is because writers want to dodge sexually active autists) and he must love numbers and math and be good at computers and in sci-fi books, must have superpower.

And this is where I sigh.

I have not seen an autistic hero, be female/queer/or sexually normal. I have not seen an classic autist be useful in a plot that isn't a plot tool. I haven't to seen a happy aspie hero, that is happily adjusted as he is and contributes to the story in other ways that has nothing to do with his disability. Instead, writers feel like they have to weigh in on their opinions on autism and thus their character ends up being a soap box, like Lou from Speed of Dark and Jacob Hunt from House Rules. While characters like Hikaru Azuma from With the Light are out there(a happy and severely autistic kid in a slice of life manga), they are few and far between and autistic writers are just as rare. Yet that is another topic....

You don't need to make your autistic or disabled hero "balanced" but giving him a superpowerful skill (now before someone shouts out 'what about Tikaani', I want to say, while I don't regret giving Tikaani edidic memory, I do think I should build more of his character and re-designed his savant talent in a way that wasn't used to make him "useful" then again Tikaani was beta character and his concept is in constant refinement, to maybe it's lesson learned), you can however develop him like all your other characters with his own talents and flaws and wishes in a way that isn't showcasing a litany of stereotypes. You can make an autistic character "quirky" and "awkward' but you don't have to point that out all the time (like in Hunt's rules) you don't have to make him male. You can give him a relationship that isn't tragic. If the story does have characters with superpowers you can give him one that compliments and balances the team (say that you have one super hacker, one with superstrength maybe the autist can be a shifter?) instead of a power that is following the "auties are good with math and science" trope.

Rambling aside of ideas to improve the auties in fiction problem, the crux is the reason the disability superpower is aggravating is that accentuates the idea that "Disability is bad" and needs to have something good to even out the bad of being disabled. The fact that only autistic savants are useful in stories is forgetting the fact that not all auties are gifted some are just mediocre all around. Disability shouldn't be painted as flaw that needs to be balanced. Disability should be a facet of a character that makes it whole.

Sunday, September 4, 2011


Language is so incredibly complex. It's a true testament to the highly social society that humanity is. Yet we tend to be so narrow-sided when it comes to language and what constitutes as such. We put things in boxes, and over analyze and structure things that don't have a structure.

This is a continuation of old essay called "speaking in Drakk", of course this is playing off the same metaphor of speaking in a complex language that is hard to understand like the fantastic language of drakk. Not all things are spoken, not all things are easily perceived. Not all things are clearly read. Which is why I am writing this, like drakk, the expression of love is not always obvious. Humans don't read gentle grinding of horns or foreheads like a kiss. Nor do they understand why drakkhani would rub their tails against another, or why eye contact is an intimate act. This is flies over their heads, but for a drakkhani it's obvious what those gestures mean. For autists, it's also obvious what certain gestures mean.

Each autists expresses love in unique fashions. Individual to the person expression affection. Some will say "I love you" others will show it and like in drakk, sometimes it's hard to understand it.

I use affection in the same way a dog might roll over on it's back. It's not out of love sometimes it's out of fear. I am afraid of being abandoned or yelled at, so I shower my dad with kisses or hugs and "I love yous" it's not out of tenderness but submission. I just want to make sure, dad isn't mad at me. It's childish, but it's an act that I can't shake. With my boyfriend, I grind my head against his, I squeeze his hand. I growl softly. Most of my more genuine acts are unusual from the traditional displays of affection. Yes I kiss, but french kissing isn't a favorite of mine, I like rubbing against him and being tickled. Those to me are the most intimate of acts next to making love. I also know when he says I love you, when leans on me. When he kisses the top of my head. It gets to the point when he kisses my cheek I say. "I love you too."

I just know and autistic kids know to and despite not showing it in the typical fashion. They do show genuine love. Like drakk, it's hard to read the first time around.

Monday, August 8, 2011

When is an NT ally not an ally?

I've done a few essays on the gratification that NTs have when they try to do autism activism. The whole "LOOK AT ME! LOOK, LOOK IMMA HERO" shit that they seem to perpetuate no matter what they do. This isn't an essay critiquing it. This is telling my NT readers how to avoid getting the side-eye.

How to be an ally not an asshole

*) Don't compare an autist with your autistic sibling/cousin/friend/co-worker etc.
One of the biggest pet-peeves some self-advocates have is the tenancy of contrast and compare NTs do when they talk to them. It seems as soon as an autist outs himself or herself to an NT the first thing that comes out of the NT's mouth (besides "Oh I can't tell you're autistic") is: "Oh I have {insert relation} with autism!" Suddenly they have this idea that know they can relate to your issues and problems instantly because of this off-hand and distant connection. Despite whatever your relationship with this other autist is, it's not fair nor is it appropriate for you to compare or believe your in the same ball-park as the other autist. Every autist is unique. Whatever your sister/friend/yoga-instructor is like has nothing to do with the other autist.

Nor do we give two shits if you know someone with autism.

*)Telling an autist that they are doing "so well" is not a compliment
Don't try to praise an autist for passing as normal. It's not a compliment it's a constant reminder if the facade we put up every single day. It's an indication on how "other" we are in relation to you. Every time you praise an autist for passing it's patronizing and continues to divide NT from NA (Neuroatypical). You don't need to remind us that were doing a good job with making eye contact/not stimming/speaking clearly. The only time I see it as ok if the autist and the NT have been friends for years and the autist is struggling to correct a behavior (like stimming in public) only then I see the praise as genuine.

*)Don't try to pity us and say how much of an inspiration we are.
I am not your fucking "feel-good" moment for you. I am not your "precious moment", saccharine coated proverb that you can masturbate to when you feel depressed. Don't go on about how "brave" we are for being autistic, it's condescending and rather asinine. Don't fucking recount our struggles as a disabled minority like you actually understand. It only adds to your privileges as an NT and makes you look like an ass. I have had people compliment me for being brave and strong, but that's only after time has passed and one actually sees the challenges I face than assuming my autism is some-sort of "trial".

*) Do not play "Oppression Olympics"
Don't feel like your disability or sense of otherness is an excuse to invalidate an autist when they are venting out their issues and struggle. Don't jump into the discourse lamenting that having bi-polar is so hard and that autists should be grateful that we are not medicated 24/7. This is frustrating and starts a us/them dialogue that does shit. It's not rude for someone to use their otherness as a frame of reference to gain empathy, but say that you have it worse is inappropriate when the stage is set for an autist to vent. Their are other places to vent about the struggles of other NA statuses.

*)Don't correct our autistic behaviors
You're not our damn therapist. I am sick of allies trying to pretend they are helping when they remind me that I am not making eye-contact or stimming in public. I had a friend tell me that I was toe-walking and I should stop in the middle of the grocery store. It's not your god damn job. Shut the hell up. It's embarrassing to have our behavior brought up and shamed. Not all autistic behaviors should be modified, and it's not an ally's job to judge which behaviors should be modified.

*)Don't tell us we need more empathy
It only indicates you have no empathy. Allies feel it's important for them to go and say: "Don't paint us with the same brush and you should have empathy for "so and so" because of {insert issue with their autistic whatever}." It's not helpful and once again pushes the arrogance that only NTs have empathy and autists just have echoes of it. If an autist feels that they need to state phrases like "I hate NTs, I am sick of NT's making choices for us, I am sick of this NT parent treating their child like a burden" then you should shut up and let us get it out. Listen and don't judge or critique an autist for their anger. Don't play devil's advocate, don't try to make us see "another point of view" just listen for once.

We kill for NTs that just would listen and understand our anger.

*) Don't say that were better off than so and so
Don't try to ignore the issues of an autist by telling them that they dodge a karmic bullet by not being non-verbal/classically autistic/mobility impaired/intellectually disabled etc. Not only does it degrade the issues that autistic with verbal communication or those that can pass, but you're feeding the lie that having a severe disability is "wrong" and "bad" and growing the divide in the spectrum not only that but you're also continuing the constant stigma of having a severe impairment.

*)Don't use terms like HFA or LFA
Don't try to call an Aspie HFA because he can talk, far as you know he could struggle with learning how do laundry and might need guidance with doing simple task. He probably struggles with keeping a job too and deals with unemployment. Don't assume a classical autist is incompetent or LFA because they need staff and lack verbal speech, they could use AAC have skills that you probably could never do.

Don't use stereotypes to construct and feed myths that continue to do more harm than good. Get to know a person.

*) Encourage the autist to speak for themselves don't speak for them.
Don't try to assume you know our needs, don't assume you're being a good ally by telling off the jerkface that called your autie friend a retard. Don't think you're bridging the gap by bragging on how you want to be a special needs teacher and how awesome you think being a self-advocate is. I don't give a shit.

If you want to be an alley, be aware of your privilege be ware of the gaps, don't ignore them. Encourage our voices, and make them stand out in the chorus of opposition and hate.

VLog: Problem with Goldilocks Rhetoric

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Vlog: Rant on Passing

BRB with post

Monday, August 1, 2011

Rev 3:15-16

‘I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot! 16 So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth.
-Rev 3:15-16

No one can ever be neutral when it comes to something that effects them so strongly. They have an emotional stake which tethers them into the debate. One cannot be neutral to Gay Rights, when he or she themselves is queer or have a family member or close friend that is queer. One cannot be neutral to immigration policies when one is part of immigrate community. One cannot be neutral to environmental ethics agriculture ethics when one is a farmer or a conservationist.

One cannot be neutral to disability socio-ethics when one is disabled or has a disabled family member/friend.

Picking sides and using reason to be skeptical on both ends isn't being neutral. You have a set of socio-ethics that don't change. You have a set of core beliefs that don't change when you feel they can't get you what you want. You don't warp them to fit both sides of opposing ends.

You have a side. You stand with it.

Call me militant, but I am not a fan of "neutral" stances. Especially when you can't really be neutral. If you wish to side with one side. Stick with it. If you feel the other one serves you and your family better than it's ok to the other side of the argument. But don't try to have your cake and eat it too. You can't claim to be for Gay Rights and Gay Marriage but have a copy of AFA in your bathroom or throw around "Fucking faggots" whenever you get pissed. You can't be religious freedom and then claim that Muslims shouldn't build their mosque near your neighborhood.

Hypocrisy is never pretty. But it's comfortable coat to wear. It's easy to be hypocritical it's easy to be lukewarm. I am not a stranger to waffling myself. Yet when I am told that I need to put on my big point pants and make up my damn mind. I do. If one wants to switch sides and serve another perspective because it benefits them then I see no problem with that. I won't judge them if they think B is more logical than A even though at one point the supported A. But don't say you support B but also claim to support A which have conflicting beliefs with B. Don't say you still support A even though you donate money to a B cause that works against A ethics.

Pick a Side.

Do not waver.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Slow Mornings

As August creeps up behind me, I sit on the couch of my SO (Josh) and I try to think about what to write on my blog. I don't get many commenters anymore, maybe I am getting too militant, or not "parent friendly" anymore. I don't know. Maybe it doesn't matter if I get nods of agreement or side-glaces of disagreement. Maybe words need to be said at least. I don't know.

Relationship are hyper-complex things. Things that take time and energy to grow and cultivate. Much like the garden back at home (I have Roma tomatoes the size of my fist now), it's a long and tasking process and one that feels that there is very little reward. I think this is what this post is really about. Slow mornings and nights were everyone is awake.

For those that don't actually know. I am courting a young man, Josh and have been courting (note this man started busting out laughing when I use that word) for about three months. Our relationship has been a tentative leap into the unknown. For me it's a chance to "get back on the saddle" for him it's about being in something foreign. Over all it's been an interesting adventure in a relationship with aspies.

We both have AS, my symptoms are more obvious and harder to manage, his on the other hand are not as obvious and he can manage them much easier than I can. Because of this it makes communication a bit....interesting.

Him: *says something vague*
Me: *misunderstands gets upset*
Him: *reiterates confuse*
Me: *gets more angry*
Him: *explains makes a little more sense*
Me: *catches it and apologizes*
Him: *says sorry too clears up misunderstanding*

This doesn't always happen but we tend to have some communication bumps and some things get lost in translation. It happens because I misread something and he does too so signals get cross. However we seem to connect better than any of my last suitors. I don't feel guilty for misunderstanding. Problems are solved and forgot life goes on. Maybe it's because it's my fifth relationship and his first (man 26 btw he was not ready to court folks until now) that we're getting along so well. Maybe it's because we're both aspies.

I think this is the part where I get to the point of the matter. Many aspies assume that relationships with other aspies is easier that NT/Autie relationships and to some degree. Yes. It's easier to relate to someone that shares your perspective a bit. Someone that can get your quirks better. But discounting an NT suitor because he is "NT" and because the relationship would be harder is just as bad for NT to say a relationship with an autist is "too hard".

Perhaps I am counting my chickens before they hatch here. But, for the first time, I don't feel like I have to play mind-games with my spouse to understand him. Or apologize for being aspie.

Which seems to be what it comes down too in NT/Aspie relationships.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Liquid Words (Fic)

A Tikaani fic that is set in the original universe

Liquid Words

Fandom: Avatar:TLA

Rating: PG

Characters: Ocs (Tikaani and his family) Aang


Summary: What if Tikaani could bend? Would bending be his language?

AN: I was inspired by a bending/sign language fic (which is amazing) Tikaani is my semi-verbal autistic OC, he's normally a non-bender, but what if he could bend?


She had no idea what she was doing, it was honestly a irrational decision to adopt her sister's son. Tikaani was almost twenty months old, and screamed for most of the day. He slammed his head on the walls of his house. Would break things meaninglessly, spin in circles and when he was silent he would stare. For hours. Agna called him a monster, Tigtuk called him a failure. Hanai called him her nephew and instead of drowning him, she adopted the delayed but beautiful boy and hope with time and patience he will speak and speak well.


love, love is a verb

Maka was not ready to raise his nephew. He was nervous around the confusing young boy, who seem impossible to toilet train and feed and even hold. He didn't want to be held for some reason. That confused Maka. He loved cuddling with all of his children but only Tikaani would shriek and shove him away. Tikaani wouldn't even look him in the eye, but at the window or at the floor. It was starting to wear on Maka and Amana, Hanai's brother. They saw Tikaani, and saw only a shell of human being. Wordless, and hollow. Maka silently agreed, that Tigtuk should have drowned him. There was no hope for this one.

Then Tikaani at age three, spoke.

Not with verbal speech, but with an older, more liquid tongue. Tikaani had his hands waving about him one evening. Flapping incessantly as Hanai and her son, Rahmet made dinner. The eight year old turn his head to the sound of ice cracking. He heard his cousin laugh and jerked his head around to see his nephew bending crack into the ice walls.

“MAMA! Tikaani...is bending!” said an astonished Rahmet. Hanai dropped her uluu and ran to the toddler giggling in the corner. It never occurred to Hanai that Tikaani could be a bender like Rahmet, Amana and Maka. It seemed to be an uncommon trait in her family, Tigtuk wasn't a bender neither was Agna. Yet Tikaani inherited the words of ocean and moon, it was peculiar. Very peculiar.

“Whoa! Check out what Tikaani did mom! He made rings with his bending. That's so cool!” Rahmet said with a half-quirked grin. Hanai was busy giving Tikaani a toy to play with. Keeping those hands of his busy. She looked over her shoulder and saw what Tikaani bent. Rings. All interconnected. Like a strange chain. It was in neat tight rows, but Tikaani bent circular cracks, in strange patterns. It was bizarre and almost scary. She had to talk to Maka. She had no idea what this would mean for them. Tikaani couldn't talk, but he could bend, and bend in an odd way.


At age five Tikaani's bizarre language began to form with his bending. If he wanted to say “I want” he would try use bending to get it. Because of his lack of body awareness, his bending was lopsided and off. Maka helped him refine it and Amana encouraged him.

“Do you want the cookie Tikaani?” asked Maka as he sat in front of him. Hanai was holding him using a shallow dish of water as his resource. “Can you bend me 'yes'?” he prompted holding out the sweet rice biscuit. Tikaani moaned and tried to wriggle out. Maka prompted him again trying to remain patient, but after the third week of “supported bending” it was getting very clear that it wasn't working. Hanai was getting worried if Tikaani didn't learn to control his bending. It could end up destroying him...and them.

“C'mon Tikaani, bend 'yes' for me. Use that gift you have.” Maka coaxed. Tikaani tried to get free. Just as Maka was going to get up and tell Hanai to let him go. Tikaani screamed and used a tendril of water to whip the cookie out Maka's hand. “OW! Goddamn it!” he snapped as the cookie laid on the ice in half. Quickly Tikaani used another water tendril to grab the cookie halves and bring them to him. Not a second was spared as he ate his treat. Maka looked astounded, but amused. His nephew clearly said: “GIVE ME THE DAMN COOKIE!”


Excellent words, I can hear them now...

Tikaani was steadily improving. Constant intensive bending plus using bending as form of adaptive language was a unique solution to being non-verbal. Which was a reality that was starting to crash into the rest of the family. Elang, Hanai's eldest was almost non existent at home. He never told the other buffalo-yak riders about Tikaani, neither did Qannit, who spent most of her time with the other seamstresses. The siblings never spoke a word about their cousin, he became something like a family secret, and a family blessing.

Amana observed Tikaani as Hanai and Maka worked with their nephew. He was trying to communicate not bend. For verbal benders, bending was just a means to a complete a task or win a fight. It was a language that many benders spoke but not communicated with. When Tikaani bent it wasn't because he wanted to fight, or make the water move, but because he need to say something. Which is why his bending was different than children his age. He had trouble learning the simple “push-pull” that small toddlers could learn, but he could make water tendrils to point and grab things. He was more skilled with his hands, but his foot work was clearly haphazard. He needed refinement and formal schooling. Yet Hanai objected,

“He isn't ready for school.” said Hanai as Maka lifted Tikaani's hands and made him move in the right order to do a bending pose. It was facilitated bending, but it was teaching his muscles how to move. Amana watched as Maka made Tikaani do the poses over and over. He pulled away and Tikaani repeated the pose on his own.

“Niiiice work Tikaani!” Maka praised lifting water up and turning it into snow to sprinkle down on to Tikaani. The boy laughed and did the same thing, causing Amana's jaw to drop a bit. He couldn't make snow until he was almost 13, it took a lot of control, but he could do it easily. Tikaani toss the water back up again and made snow over and over.

“Ok now he is just parroting, but he obviously over joyed. Look, Tikaani needs a private tutor not a formal school. Pakku would just belittle him and not give him a chance. We need someone to teach him one on one, and we can do that.” she explained as the did the pose again. It was a step and sweeping motion to create waves. It was the push-pull but executed in a manner that made sense to Tikaani. If Amana would think on it, it was like telling Tikaani to do something but breaking the sentence down so he can process it better. The bending conversation could be explained like this: First you must do this, Then you can do this It was breaking the bending down into less complicated poses and then slowly stringing them together into a full 'sentence'. They did it slowly so Tikaani could understand. After he got the hang of it, he can tweak the sentence into any way he wants. So it would be more efficient, but he had to understand the formal “phrase” before he can make it “slang-y” After watching this for a while Amana could understand how Tikaani communicated and how Maka taught him how to bend. A conversation could be like this:

Maka would bend a wave to him, How are you today? Tikaani would redirect the wave back to him remember how to push the water back. I am good, then Maka would turn a circle lifting the wave of water into a fluid stream and send it to Tikaani That's nice to know, we might go fishing today would you like that? Maka would say, flowing the stream to Tikaani, sometimes Tikaani would drop it and would “repeat” a bending phrase over and over if he is confused, but today. I would like that uncle, just us? he responded by taking the stream of water and turning around with it before sending it back to him on the ice in a wave. Maka lifted it back up and turned into a fine snow to sprinkle down on Tikaani, a big grin was on his face. Maka just responded. Yeah...just us kiddo


At age seven, Tikaani was catching up, not developmentally...but as a bender. He still wasn't fully toilet trained, he couldn't be left alone, but he could use bending to trip up Maka in battle. Hanai smiled fondly as Tikaani could keep up and almost out bend Rahmet. It was starting to become apparent that Tikaani skill was vastly improving only because he was non-verbal if he was verbal, he probably wouldn't be so dependent on using bending to communicate and thus, would probably still be a beginner bender.

Yet, because of that need. Tikaani was using his bending to say everything he couldn't say. Words...that flow over Rahmet's head. Tikaani was far more fluent than Rahmet could ever be at his age.


There was very deep silence in Maka's house. Tikaani's bending skill at age ten was made fully clear when he had a severe meltdown. Maka nursed a black eye and Amana sat with a bandaged arm. Tikaani ran off again, and while trying to drag him back him he unleashed a volley of insults. Half words and babbling in the form of ice daggers and melting the ice underneath them. As he writhed and tantrumed on the ice. Maka had to keep his balance, his nephew's meltdown was causing massive gashes in the ice around them, threatening them all.

After finally getting him home, they sat in silence thinking what to do about Tikaani. His bending was incredible, but he was a risk to himself and to his family if he couldn't control his meltdowns. Hanai watched as Tikaani talked to himself, making rings in the ice again. His soothing babbling was keeping him from lashing out in anger. She had to ask.

“Why did he get so angry at you, normally when he runs off he comes back just fine?” the question lingered like a putrid odor. Then Maka spoke.

“Tikaani ran away not because he saw something or heard something...he ran because we told him his father wanted custody back.”


The custody battle between Tigtuk and Maka was long and bloody. The city elders tried to moderate the feud, but there was so much tense emotion that it was getting to the point that Arnook needed to make a choice for the family. Meanwhile Tikaani was training with Pakku who decided to tutor Tikaani in private.

Pakku heard rumors of the “idiot savant”, years ago when Rahmet bragged about his non-verbal cousin and his amazing bending skills. Pakku watched him a few times with Amana. He had to admit Tikaani had a lot of potential, more than that. Tikaani had a window into a world he was ill adapted for. Feeling strings of philanthropy, Pakku decided to play therapist and sifu for Tikaani who was caught in this bloody custody war.

Pakku was sparing with the almost eleven year old child. Tikaani was still delayed in some areas, but caught up in others. He was toilet trained, and could feed himself and clothe himself without help. But still needed to be supervised and his aggression was starting be more frequent. Yet he was reaching masterhood in a fast pace. Savant indeed.

Pakku swerved a wave of water at Tikaani as he repelled it back with shards of ice, eyes focused and in thought.

Who do you want to live with Tikaani? Hanai or Tigtuk? asked Pakku as he continue to send waves of water at the boy.

Hanai of course, she loves me, but honestly I'm just a tool for them all. The only reason they didn't kill me as a child was because I could bend. The only reason my father wants me back, is because I am just fucking weapon Tikaani reply was full of vitriol and pain, sending the waves back in massive surges of ice which Pakku could block easily his calming words trying to soothe Tikaani.

I know you feel used, but I think you should tell the elders who you want to live with. I know you can communicate that to them, but you must not let anger be your voice. The waves were smaller as they lifted Tikaani up on a pedestal. Tikaani responded by melting it and turning the ice into a globe to cover himself up. Sealing himself from Pakku.

They won't listen to me! They just see the idiot. The retard. They don't see the savant. They don't see the warrior. They will make the choice for me. As they always have done. I have words, they might not be in the simple mouth sounds that people prefer, but they are still my words Tikaani declared by turning the globe of ice into a massive wave of water then morph the ice into daggers to fall on Pakku. The elder swept all of them and sunk them into the icy arena.

“Yes. And what beautiful words you have. Purer and unfettered. Despite your disability Tikaani you do have a voice and I feel your frustration. Yet do not let the anger in your heart eat you. Let it go Tikaani, you speak clearly without rage.” warned Pakku approaching Tikaani and placing a gloved hand on his shoulder. Tikaani was still, there was nothing else to say. After a moment though he lifted his hand and pulled a globe of water and let it rest in his palm.

I will speak calmly


The custody war was finally over when Pakku told the elders that Tikaani should chose where to stay. The elders disagreed at first but then after discussion it was decided that Tikaani could communicate clearly enough to pick who he wants to live with. Tikaani made his choice by simply lifting a wave of water and blanketing Hanai and Maka with snow. Pakku smiled as Tikaani made his choice without the unbridled rage he normally had. Despite what the elders assume of Tikaani's competence, they agreed that the gestured was appropriate and made the declaration that Tikaani will remain the ward of Maka son of Barong. Tikaani walked home with peace in his heart, words still unfettered.


“You've gotta be kidding me! I can't fight this kid. He doesn't even look like...he's all the way there!” argued Katara as she stood akimbo to Tikaani who was playing with his favorite top. His long hair flowed over his shoulders and deep blue eyes were lost in the spinning of the top on the ice of the training arena. Aang watched him before getting up deciding that Tikaani would be an easy match.

“C'mon Katara, Pakku just wants us to help him. I'll spar him Sifu!” announced Aang getting up and approaching Tikaani.

“Very well Avatar, I am glad to see you're up for a challenge. I am disappointed that you were not Katara. I would think you would find our Tikaani more of a match than your other peers.” Pakku said simply getting to Tikaani's level and using a tendril of water to pull the top away gently. Time for a new game. Do you want to spar with Aang? Tikaani got up and looked at the top for a moment before rubbing his hands on his face and pulling his hair for a moment. Pakku let him stim watching him as Tikaani turned to face Aang. The airbender smiled at the twelve year old waterbender who hummed and flapped his hands. Tikaani bent a stream of water and sent it at Pakku, Ok. I will, he looks easy. Katara had her hands crossed and look at Aang with a raised eyebrow.

“Aang I don't think this is fair, Pakku is just setting you up! Do you really want to fight against him?” she complained as Aang got into a stance.

“Come on Katara how hard can he be? He isn't even looking at me!” Aang sent a wave of water at the Tikaani while his back was turn grinning thinking he would catch him off guard. He was shocked when Tikaani whirled around sending the wave back, swirling it around Aang. The Avatar tried redirect the surge back to Tikaani, but the boy had it under control. Pakku had a smug look on his face as Tikaani was introducing himself to Aang. Showing him who he was. Words completely lost on the Avatar. Tikaani pulled the water back before Aang had a chance to bend it away from him and he solidified it back into the arena. Aang just stood there perplexed as Tikaani went back to stimming again and making ice rings.

“Wow! He could bend just as good as you Katara, but what's wrong with him? He doesn't look like he even knows we exist.” Aang noted as Tikaani bent more rings. Pakku explained, as Tikaani babbled to himself.

“Tikaani is a waterbending savant. He has some sort of...mental delay as child. He can't talk like you and I but he can speak through his bending. He was introducing himself to you. Since you didn't reply he stopped the conversation and when back to talking to himself. Let this be a lesson to you both, do not assume anything about your opponent. Do not draw conclusions about them before the bout begins or you will lose. You will find that many of your opponents are not always what they seem.” Katara felt a bit humbled by this. Walking up slowly to Tikaani she melted the ice rings he was making and turned them into little ice towers.

I'm Katara. Do you want to spar? Tikaani looked up and sent a wave back to her. Yeah ok!

And then, the conversation started again.


Thursday, July 14, 2011

Movie Review: Mary and Max

I saw this on netflix out of shear serendipity, it's a cute claymation movie called Mary and Max. Mary Dinkle is a 8 year old girl from Australia and Max is a middle age man with Aspergers and lives in New York and they are pen-pals. It look like a cute movie, so I decided to give it a shot.

Right away I like the animation it reminds me of Wallace and Gromit. It's rather cute and whimsical with narration and the textured desaturated claymation. Mary has a pet rooster named Ethel, makes her own toys from things she finds, her mother is an acholotic that shop lifts and her dad never talks to her. Despite that, she is sweet cute and I seem to like her. Max is obviously aspie, over eats but is also good natured. He's also Jewish and mother committed suicide.

It's also strangely heartbreaking, because Mary is constantly teased, on her second letter to Max she is crying because of the constant bullying and asks Max for help. It's not really meant for children really, because of some of Mary's questions and some of Max's own responses, but it's not our right R. Max also has a severe meltdown and is sent to a pysch ward. It's powerful how while funny and kinda adorkable, it's also painfully real and raw on their lives.

(Bonus Max wears an Aspies for Freedom shirt and I laughted a little)

Max does explain to Mary (in his simple monotone and frank way) what Aspie is. He states to her which nearly made me tear up again. "I like being an aspie, I do not want to change it. As it like changing the color of my eyes"

It's very raw, cute and heartbreaking. It's different from most cartoons and stories with autistic folks. Which why I give it
5 out of 5 hand flaps.

Monday, July 11, 2011

The Socioethics of communitive gaming

Or. How not to act like a spoiled child in game.

For those that don't know I am a live action role player also known as a LARPer ( yes I am well aware how much of a dork I am playing LARP but it's less boffer LotR and more political intrigue and noir with vampires), I play Vampire the Masquerade . It's super complex and sometimes to understand. I've been playing "Columbus in Darkness" (the name of our game) for almost a year. For an autist, playing a very heavy social game like LARP and one that is very very political in nature. Is severely tasking and I've been known to meltdown after game. It can be hell for some, but I actually love it. LARPing has been teaching me to better read facial expressions, make better eye contact and dare I say it? Learn to lie more effectively.

But I am not hear telling people how useful drama classes are or more political games like VtM for learning better passing skills. This is a caveat to players especially autists who come into a new game unprepared and very ignorant of how the game works.

And make total asses of themselves.

Enter "Karen", she is my age and probably on the spectrum (according to her) she definitely has a quirks and some social impairments. I know her actually from the Gender Variant and Queer support group that I go to once a month. She is trans like myself and I can empathize with transitioning being very very exhausting. Never the less, Karen entered the game and I was totally excited to have my characters meet hers. I play two characters, a Gangrel named Spyke.. I also play Larkin, a Toreador .

I was excited to see Karen's character concept. Was she gonna play a Malkavian, the mentally unstable, but mentally complex clan of vampires? Maybe a one of mage-clan vampires the Tremere. There was just so many paths to choose and I was excited for her. So I was kinda confused when she chose a caitiff or a clanless vampire. Now, for those that don't quiet catch it. Playing a clanless vampire in our game (we play the Camarilla sect) is pretty risky for brand new players. They are hard to play because Kindred (vampire) society looks down on them. They are considered garbage, trash, unworthy of the blood. They are hard for new players because of a sizable stigma on them and screwing up because you're still new to the game could get your character killed.

More or less, playing a caitiff is for more experience players who know the genre and the game well (despite everyone telling her, this was a bad idea and she needs to know what she is doing)

So Karen was playing a caitiff, well I kinda laughed at first thinking she was obviously pretty versed with genre, and has done this before. I also thought she had a big plan with this character. Gee was I wrong.

She was obviously PAINFULLY new to the genre of Vampire the Masquerade. She made a lot of newbie mistakes which was fine because you're totally allowed to fuck up as you go. I did that with Spyke a lot (now my excuse that Spyke was a feral vampire that came to Columbus after her mentor was brutally killed), however unlike Karen, I learned my mistakes, I learned the game. It was hard, tasking and overwhelming at points. Generally first time characters survive for about three months. I was surprised when Spyke lasted triple that time. So I knew "Theresa" was not going to last long in game. I don't think Karen understood that.

Anyway, it was apparent that Karen as a player had poor manners, and didn't understand why she was bugging people. She interrupted conversations (in and out of character), she wore blazers, but didn't cross her legs or keep them closed which was kinda gross for someone in a short skirt. She didn't try to make friends out of character, so everyone saw her as a stranger. Her own character screwed up A LOT, everything from insulting characters and getting crap knocked out of her (in game of course) and having bad manners all around (claiming to be professional and then walk around with a two liter bottle of cows blood doesn't really work, also telling folks you drink cows blood is like telling vegetarians you love eating meat and you don't understand why you guys would just eat plants. It's rude). The top it all off, if Theresa was new to Kindred society people wouldn't have been hard on her. The deal was, Karen made her already a member of the sect that we played (Camarilla) so her character should know all the rules of society and have proper manner for interacting. Making her screw ups FAR more grievous than if she was recently embraced (turned into a vampire). More or less Theresa was going to be killed for screwing up too much, and we thought that it would be lesson learned and Karen would make a character more appropriate for a new player and continue to play. Shit happens right?

I was again wrong.

Last night as I came in, I found Karen by the sign in table. She looked stiff (she always does) and seemed to be waiting for something. So greeted her:
Me: Hey Karen, did you sign in? :D
Karen: No I am leaving the LARP for good :| I am just here to tell that to STs (Storytellers they are kinda like the moderators of the game)
Me: D: aww, I am sorry, well good luck then

And instead of just leaving she hung around waiting for my boyfriend to show up so she can give him her contact info (he didn't until much later but she left leaving me her info). I didn't know why she couldn't email the STs or something. I didn't bother to ask why she was leaving. Though I had a sneaking suspicion.

Before game day, Bonnie's character Ryan wrote a scathing letter to Theresa for her misbehavior during very very important event. Now I must remind my readers, this is all RP this isn't really Bonnie has no issues with Karen, however her character hates Theresa. What I found out later that night, is that is why Karen left the game. She didn't know about the letter until that night. She decided, instead of handing the situation with grace, to throw a fit like a child. She insulted the players, the game and generally made a stink of it. And then flounced off.

Here is the tally for those that are keeping score
-She is playing a very DIFFICULT character not one for new players
-She is new to game and doesn't know all the rules and doesn't ask for help
-Her character continue to make the same mistakes over and over wearing everyone's patience down.
-She decides people suck and she acts like a child when she realizes that this isn't her cup of tea.

Conclusion: I have absolutely no sympathy for her and I hope the doesn't come back until she matures as person an as a player.

Folks this isn't about RP. This long TL;DR example is what it means to have personal responsibility. You do not go into something without knowing the consequences. You learn from your mistakes and be accountable for your actions. We tried to help Karen, we gave her advice, we told her how to access the STs for help get on the IC and OOC email lists. We wanted Karen to be a cool and valued player, but she never took a step back and said:
"This really isn't my cup of tea, I don't think I like LARPing...I am gonna quit sorry and good luck to folks"
"I am having trouble with this, I think it's best if I retired Theresa and play a more flexible character."
"I am taking a break for a few weeks, just to clear my head."

Instead once she realized she couldn't cut it. She blamed everyone else and acted liked it was our fault that her character was getting her ass kicked. Dude....you signed up for this. We even threw you a lifesaver. This is immature, willful and pretty damn typical.

Especially for autists.

I've seen this behavior in AFF and several blogs. So the question is raised. When is it justified to hold the actions of NTs, and the government accountable to misfortunes, personal or public, and when it is appropriate to take accountability for oneself and be change that you would like to see? The problem is that I see lot of autists blame NT parents, teachers, spouses, their disability the government. I don't see a lot of autists taking a step back an realize that they could improve things themselves but be responsible and changing their own behavior. Understanding ones flaws is a sign of maturity. Realizing that some behaviors can't have the "autism card" pulled on when being called on (IE: I know an AFF member who harassed his female co-workers, he used his autism and them being NT and not "understand" as a excuse" ). Realizing some shit isn't cool an working to change it is important. It's not being "submissive" to NTs (as one autist accused me off), it's about realizing that being an asshole isn't an autistic symptom.

A good autists realizes that sexually harassing co-workers, making racists comments, crying wolf when "trolls" are really people that disagree with you, is inappropriate and seeks to correct behaviors without blaming people or one's autism.

A good LARPer would realize playing very difficult character is a bad idea with inexperience and will play something easier to learn the game

A superb RPer would turn the caitiff into a Ventrue that doesn't know she is clanless, make her in charge of several Non-profits be a totally HBIC, give her some awesome influences and abilities and finds out that she is clanless and totally freaks the fuck out!

What that's what I would do if I played Theresa.....

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

The Advantages of Self-DX

Ok admittedly I have been avoiding this topic for years, because I am pretty passionate (read: an asshole) when it comes to the topic of Self-DX. However, I thought this would be something to approached, especially when I have been talking about NT privilege.

There is a an advantage to being Self-DX. It's one that is seen and talked about with in the community but only non-directly. I've seen it commented as being a "Stealth Aspie" being not on the books, or records. Passing well enough without a lot of suspicion. What this really is. Is NT Privilege.

That the advantage of being Self-DX, you have personal label but not one that strips you of your infrastructural status as an NT. The government, local, state and so forth, sees you as an "NT". You don't need, the county's DD (developmental disability) services, BVR or Disability Medicaid or SSI. According to the government you're normal.

This is a massive advantage to folks with a self-DX, they can live their lives carrying the autistic label and suffer none of the community backlash. This is why they tout being a "stealth aspie" this is why many discourage autists on getting a clinical DX. Keep the label, keep the privilege.

Now I am not arguing the the validity of self-DX (especially online), this is not the forum for it (besides that's a clusterfuck of topic). Yet I understand why self-dx is appeasing for folks. Why would you willingly strip the advantages of being "NT" to gain a diagnosis that would haunt you? One that would make getting employed impossible, getting services hard and walking around with a social ghost haunting you.

Self-dx, can have their cake and eat it too. The rest of us that are on the books, can only look at the yummy NT Privilege cake but never eat it.

Something to be aware of Self-DX....

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Save the Retards

It's like Save the Whales for slactivists.

Oh a look a heavy political post for once yay!

Anyway, I think it's apparent on how much the pro-cure aspect of Aut-politics really makes me want to long hot shower and try to wash the disgust off my back. I see the common theme of Pro-cure activism something that is very similar to this:
(Trigger Warning: Emotional content)

Ah yes, sad depressing music with a starving probably exploited black child telling white people that they should save the black child because it's your responsibility to save third world brown/black children. The underlining message is simple, black people in third world countries need while people to save them. It's in every AIDS ad every anti-war protest. It's imperialism in the guise of charity.

Autism Politics does the same thing

It rallies NT (white, middle class NTs) to be "aware" of Autism, to save the poor lost children of this "epidemic" they use the same tools, sad music and feeling of grave seriousness. Because your son could have autism. I kinda wanna go outside listen to some Daft Punk and smoke weed. A buzz could totally kill this depressive shit.

It adds on to the Otherness that aut-adults feel as well as the stigmatization that AutSpks often shoves on them. They are tragedies needed to be saved by the smart rich white NTs. It's repeatedly shoved into our heads both by media and by doctors. The idea we need a Jesus is something that I actively protest. It's the perfect example of NT privilege, the idea that they the personal Jesus of some five year old autistic boy and that their donations and volunteering would "save them" It's gross and it's why pro cure often love playing victim around aut-adults who firmly decry the arch-angelism that NT activists seem to exude. It makes them look like bless saints while we are the poor "ignorant savages" needed to be evangelized and converted. I heard this story before? Didn't everyone die of smallpox?

NT privilege is like most majority statuses, people are oblivious to it and not even aware they have it. Self-Dx I am sure know they have it, hence their avoidance on getting diagnosed. I don't blame them anymore, no one wants their NT privilege taken away. People so unaware of their NT status have a hard time seeing the herohttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gific bullshit that AutSpks propagates. To them it makes sense, after all? Don't we donate money to Cancer, AIDS, Muscular Dystrophy? To them we are another philanthropic venture unto white middle-class patronization.

It's this heroism that's really hurting self-advocates. Not bad policies, charity-corps, or vulnerable parents lashing out at the turn of fate that they didn't want. They are symptoms of a the real problem and why self-advocacy is struggling.

Can you see? They want to save the retards.

Melanie's article is good example of the mindset that most of use are breastfeed on. It's one of the most tiring concepts I've ever dealt with. And every time we profess anger and indignation over being told that they just want to help us, we are whip-lashed with guilt and sheepish remorse. Like we should feel ashamed for being self-reliant. Our identity is being used as a marketing tool and being against this is somehow "terrible" and we are "bad" for saying "We are not your poster children." Self-advocates are being under attacked by Pro-cure NTs calling us fakes and posers, not really autistic and so forth. They are attacking us because we're removing their "hero high" from them. The feeling of being a hero or a superman to their child/sibling/friend/patient etc. I swear it gives them some sort of thrill when they go to walks or fund-drives. Like they think that they are really saving the word. To have a self-advocate tell you, your oppressing us and continuing the discrimination and stigma...wow it does really kill your buzz. No wonder Pro-cures get cranky when we tell them the truth. It is a buzz kill.

It all comes down to egotism, and frankly it's time to kill some egos.

You're not our Jesus.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Thoughts on "Horse Boy"

I heard about this book months ago at the library, and the premised sounded interesting. Of course I did lift a huge eyebrow on a shamanic horseback ride in Mongolia with their autistic son. That made me go "Oh. White people."

Hate it when privilege families do this crap.

I do have my linger doubts about this movie as an autist and one that is also a shamanic path. I am curious to see how much of this is hokey New Age and White privilege and how much of it is genuine love and an acceptance with a dash of spiritualism.

Now, I will say, I find horse-back riding to be powerfully soothing and it's probably the only natural talent I have, it doesn't make my symptoms go away, but it does allow me to think, and be as I am. I could give up all my meds, to be riding regularly again. I miss riding a lot.

The beginning of course starts off with the typical 'Autism ruin us and our child blah blah we tried everything blah blah nothing work, we were desperate." I wasn't terribly intrigued with that.

Though hearing Rupert go on about how Rowan was calmer and opened up to him on horse back was kinda interesting, I thought to myself "Hippotherapy could be us-oh." Then he mentioned he wanted use shamanic healing because he had experience with it when he was in Africa. Oh. Well. At least his wife had some common sense. But they did decide to go Mongolia to travel on horse back to he shaman after shaman and being crazy white people with shit tons of money Christ

They give this kid Valtrex really. Oh they believe in the "Heavy Metals" shit. Great....

I have to admit though, the drumming by the shamans sound like a horse galloping, I was getting really into it. However I kinda rolled my eyes, as they describe that the spirit of Kristin's grandmother was on Rowan, according to the shamans and she is bi-polar, and trying to "take their son away?" Good God.

Quote: "I had to ask myself, did really have his best interest at heart? Was I terrible father?"

Oh Jesus Christ on a Cracker. You dragged our autistic kid to Mongolia. For whacky shamanic crap and you decide that this time was good idea to matyrize. Spirits of the earth...please help me.

Well at least Rowan got use to the shamanic ritual and chilled out, nice adjustment little bro, however I kinda felt bad for Tomo the little Mongolian boy who seemed put off by Rowan. However his interaction with him is endearing and seeing him doing more play with him is nice. Maybe I am jealous because I played by myself and I never liked playing with others. Mostly because I jut got sick of being the "retard".

Though the whole thing with auties being one of the reason humanity is successful is nice little ego boost. THANKS TEMPLE! Rowan is supper cute with the goats though. However when he reject the horse-riding I did feel for Rupert a bit. But...At the same time. Why didn't Rupert let Rowan easy himself on the horse? Let Rowan get to know his partner? It felt like the forced him on the horse. It was bit...jarring.

Eventually Rowan did calm himself while riding and I think this line touched me
Quote:" I am a better father because of his autism." Awww that is kinda cute.

The part of the reindeer herders that live on the Siberian border, is kinda...cute. Over all I was expecting the same, spiritual mumbo jumbo. What I got was something that didn't surprise me, but still made me happy. The reindeer herder believed that Rowan could be a shaman in the future. This brought a grin to my face, because it's common for some indigenous cultures to believe autists could be shamans and that they are different because they are more spiritually attuned to the earth. Personally I rather take that tripe over poisons by vaccines. As a shaman myself, this is kinda encouraging.

Near the end, the shaman said to Rupert and Kristin, that Rowan's incontinence and meltdowns will go away immediately, after he finished healing him. I lifted an eyebrow. Yeah he maybe potty trained, but the meltdowns won't go away. However just as I expected, he was bathrooming on his own and there were more shots of him being chilled than tired and cranky. Oh ok. Was it the power of the shaman, or Rowan learning to adapt? I be the family believes the former...*shrug* I did like the prayer that Rupert gave was to intergration and understanding than a cure. Not bad.

Over all the movie was...meh. I was more annoyed at the privlege of the family than anything else. At least the movie pushed the, "Accept not cure" idea. Which was at least reassuring. Rupert said his son is still autistic but lost all the suffering that came with it and moved passed the emotional and physical incontinence through shamanism. I am still waiting for my shamanic miracle as I pray and listen to the sprirts, but then again. I don't need a miracle.

3 and half hand-flaps.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Speaking in Drakk part duex

I know I know it's been a month since I've updated, I can expla-no never mind. I can't. I was actually to lazy to update. That. And I have boyfriend now. So I have been madly in love and oblivious to autism politics. I might also co-mod AFF (cue screaming) to help out Richard who is one of the admins.

Dear God. Save me now.

Speaking of praying to supposed deities. This brings up my topic today. I am planning to come out to my mom (again...cue more screaming), this is not going to be easy at all and honestly it's probably going to be the most stressful conversatiohttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifns I am going to have with my mom (this makes telling my mom I am going to live with Patrick seem like a cakehttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif-walk now). Because of this stress I will fall into the violent spiral of Communication Hell, and I won't make DAMN sense on what I am trying to explain to my mom.

This seems to happen a lot to aspies and auties and really...it's the unmasking of passing NT. Get us upset or flustered, language skills go POOF. It is apparent when I start getting into a discussion with someone that I either loose speech or my speech become convoluted. It's hard to have a conversation when I am upset because most NTs struggle to understand what I am saying and they get frustrated and then...everyone is angry.

It's like one of my drakkhani speaking their language to a human that knows it, but is still learning it. When upset the conversation ends up like this:

I could tell Taajah is frustrated, his head is lowered and his face is grim. I tried to ask him in English what's wrong, instead I got a response in Drakk. He flicked his tail and wiggled his ears, the barks and sharp word-clicks made the sentence hard to understand, I replied with a note of confusion in Drakk, I got a more growly response, changing the sentence again. At this point I just backed off. I can't understand Taahaj when he is angry.

Words become harder to understand when I am upset. Langauge almost changes. I have to find a way to keep myself from being upset...or have my sister play translator.

Saturday, April 30, 2011


It's becoming interesting on how my disability permeates my life. How it's presents covers my everyday living. I have been pushing pasted the old barriers of my autism and continue to walk forward, and find new limits and eventually move pass them. It's a constant cycle of learning, adaptation and acceptance.

It's that acceptance that allowed me to realize something important about myself. I am not really female. I never felt happy being a woman, I do not truly hate my body however, and my dysphoria is mild compared to other trans males. But the acceptance of one aspect of myself allowed me to accept another aspect and thus I started on the path of juxtaposition. Passing as an NT and passing as a man.

Being NT and being a man are very different concepts of passing. NT is not a choice, being NT is a survival behavior an act of adaptation that is needed for independence. It's funny now passing as a man is not about survival but the purest nature of acceptance of oneself. It's exposing, unearthing my real self to the public and revealing in it's freedom. That being said I am not ready for hormonal treatment or maybe I will never go through with hormonal transitioning. It's up the air, but now that I feel much more comfortable as a trans male. It made me realize why it too so long. It had to do with passing as an NT.

As I stated earlier being NT isn't unearthing oneself and finding joy in letting go of a mask. Never wearing it again. Being NT is about putting on the mask. It's about lying, beguiling the rest of NT society. The idea of mask wearing of making sure my true autie nature didn't bleed through is what kept me from realizing that passing as a woman wasn't making me happy. But I had to pretend to be female to use my woman body to fit in. I kept making excuses to why I wasn't happy as a woman. I am really bigendered, I am mostly male but I am female too. They were excuses. Rationalizations because coming to grips with the fact I am a man was very tedious process. It was cathartic when I did finally start identifying and accepting the fact I am a man. It was a relief. The acceptance of my autism has becoming a blueprint to accepting and living as a trans-man. I found other autists that are trans male they became role models. The process was long and going against the lessons I learned as mask wearing autist. Yet now, it's done.

As a child, you learn from a young age that no body wants you to be yourself. No body wants you to be who you are. When people tell you, "it's ok to be you" it's a social lie. Being who you are when you are born different, autistic, learning-disabled, gay, trans, inter-sexed, deaf etc, is dangerous. Look at the countless people that have committed suicide over their difference. Human culture doesn't want diversity, they don't want acceptance. They want conformity under the lie that diversity is ok. They want people to feel comfy that it's ok to be different, or that...their difference is ok while the others are not. It's vile. We grow up being told one thing and then the opposite. No wonder everything is such a clusterfuck, how can we move forward with social progress when everything is so juxtaposed. How can we create a society that will not harm countless of children with different identities when we have such polar concepts? How can we cry that we love diversity and that it is good when at the same time when abusing and oppressing anything that is diverse? It's a paradox.

And one that will eventually undo us.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Everything Sucks

Tikaani's expression fits mine. I hate being so sick

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Bard's on Autism now Part 1 and Part 2

Ok ok, blame my illness. But I decided to watch the NewsHour Autism Now special, because I have been slacking in responsive blog. I'll be watching part one and two tonight and three and four tomorrow.

Yeah guys pray for me.

Thoughts on Part one
-MacNeil introduced us to his grandson Nick and right away I knew this entire report is going to be biased. Nick is kind of cute, and he makes the same "eeeeee" http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifnoise I do! He lists off the symptoms of autism and then explains that his grandson his digestive problems.

-Ok so his mom does the "I know it's those "ebil vaccines" conspiracy and says that her kid cries all the time and has the runs. Ok well let just put another frame of ref. I have bowel issues (TMI I know) and I have issues when I just end up being grumpy and rather pissed off, but the tummy problems could be from diet and emotion regulations though an autistic issue in some cases can also be a bi-polar issue too.

-Nealy the sister sounds honestly too rehearsed. She definitely has Normal Child Syndrome many of the questions he asks his granddaughter feel directed like he is getting certain answers. It makes me uncomfortable.

-Nick has an obsession with buses, so why didn't you warn him when you changed his schedule suddenly? You know auties have issues with change, hell I still do and I'm 24. At least the kid seems to be flexible enough to go with it. Kudos for Nick

over all Part one seems...ok....but I know the worse is yet to come.

Thoughts on Part two

-Right away MacNeil goes on the "More common than AIDS cancer and diabetes" tripe. Why do people keep bring that up I mean c'mon

-The introduction to Julie Perin and Logan showed obviously that autism can show up in many ways (DUH IT'S SPECTRUM) what perked my interest was the something that Sally said. She said Julie many not communicate verbal but non-verbal communication works as well.

-Once again...spectrum with Logan and his brothers. Also omg stop with the "high-mid-low functioning thing"

-Yus duh, wider diagnosis is why we have such a rise in cases. BUT THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. (also <3 Grinker)

Ugh It seems MacNeil keeps pushing for environmental causation instead of "Oh hey maybe it's because we changed the diagnosis crits"

over all it wasn't HORRIBLE but it made me feel icky watching


Friday, April 22, 2011

Chiko Anatomy notes (NSFW)

This post is not intended for children under the age of 18 contains mentions of nudity.

I haven't drawn Chiko in a awfully long time. So after some thought I decided to sketch him and discuss a bit some some base note on his body structure.

Chiko is rather short. Around five feet and four inches he's is actually average compared to his ethnic group, but to us, he's kinda puny. His build is bordering stocky (all those dumpling Chi-bird), he's fit and has some definition especially around his legs. He still suffers from some balance issues but compensates with excellent reaction time and good ol' airbender speed.

He is pretty cute as far as attractiveness goes. He has a short but round face, round noise and thin lips. Hair is actually slightly wavy but it's cut short to prevent it frizzing. Despite the various scars on his body (most are from the massacre like his missing arm) he's not that bad looking. However Chiko is very self-conscious (you can't blame him) and covers his left side a lot to prevent people from noticing his missing arm. He can hold his own in combat and is quite good in air-bending. His main flaw is his left side, however he has incredibly fierce kicks that can shatter stone and can whip up great gales. He can still fight with one hand which is something he likes to brag about occasionally.

He's a work in progress, but I hope to make him more distinct.


This weekend has been utter hell. I am sick with something I don't know what, but it's killing me. I feel like death warmed over.

Also just a curiosity who still reads my blog? I don't see many comments anymore. Makes me sad.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Dick move Friday

Once again AutSpks pulls another jerk-baggy move this week.

I am not going even go off on how unethical this. This is down right theft. I am just wondering on what turdmonkey thought his was a good idea. CAPITALISM NOT JUST FOR BIG BUSINESSES

Xenophobia (comment repost)

This is a comment I made at left/Right brain. http://leftbrainrightbrain.co.uk/2011/04/reconsidering-the-nature-of-autism/#comment-157495

Funny how this is about pain of words when I did something similar myself

It's funny you mention xenophobia Daedalus. Reading this and Drone's mind-numbing dehumanization of his child. It makes me think of the metaphors I use when describing autism to other folks. I often use the metaphor of sapien non-humans (my dragon people for instance you can read them here http://drakkhanistories.blogspot.com/) to parallel the experience of being an autist in a non-autistic word. It's easier for people to justify the abuse, the "at home" mad-science the so-called treatments. It's no different than 5th century Ireland. We were changelings then and were still changelings now.

Writing the discrimination between non human sentient beings and humans, is funny how much it echoes. Humans assume stereotypes as facts (IE all satyrs are boozers and rapists) they make assumptions based on emotions (IE the idea that we should hide our children away from nagas because they will eat them) we speak for them without say and so forth. It's funny while writing this I was allegorizing my own experiences as an activist.

Which brings an amused thought. Even if were not human, would our value be erased? Would our sentience be judged? Would be become a myth too?

Are autists humans or are they changelings switched out of their native faerie lands into this weird human word.

Funny thought huh?

Saturday, April 2, 2011

April 2: Words can hurt you

Words can damage and hurt and ways people can't always see. This illustration shows the pain of what words can do to you. Especially...that word.

[sticks and stone can break my bones but words can always hurt me.

The problem with having so many ableist and gendered insults in our language is that we know none of them are appropriate but we still use them anyway. I have slung around the word "idiot" and "moron" all the time. We know that those words are not as destructive as "retard" or "freak" or any a myriad of the prolific patronizing words we slather on kids with DDs. I've heard them all.

Trying to cut back on ableist insults feels like a never ending climb. And many of use will resist with with saying "well I can't understand why people just don't ignored them." Ahhhh yesss abled privilege. Classic. The deal is though it's not like were "sensitive" or "over emotional". Words weight on us, and sink into us. Sometimes we had enough and we get upset over one more "You're such a retard." sometimes...like myself. You realize people have called you the R-word so many times. That you have become desensitized. Numb. The word doesn't hurt anymore because you start to believe it slowly but surely.

Yeah. I am the fucking retard.

words can damage and destroy, it can undo what has been done. For World Autism Awareness day I want people to be aware of the language the use. Both, obviously destructive and patronizing.

Friday, April 1, 2011

April 1: Autism Acceptance

Day one of the April_Drawing challenge

I had plans for this to be Tikaani but instead I tried another fictional autie of mine. Wilson.

Notes for today:
Autism acceptance today for me is more than being proud of my alter-neurology but something a little more broader. It's accepting the fact that I do have pervasive, and sometimes obstructive disability. It's the reason I have hard time keeping relationships (including my marriage) keeping a job, and many other things (like learning to drive). It's part of me, part of my identity88 part of my nature. It's not something I can remove or alter for long. Accepting one's disability and finding ways to not "conquer it" but to live with it. I think every diagnosed autist out there has those moments when your dad's 9mm in the closet up in the bedroom, seems to be a pretty decent cure. Afterall your disability won't haunt you when you're dead. But that is not the solution. Accepting yourself and who you are, will give you more comfort than fighting an uphill battle.

To me it's not about society accepting the fact that I am an autist. But myself accepting that I am autist.

To quote RuPaul, "If you can't love yourself, how the hell can you love somebody else?"

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Plain Talking...Ruined us Now

((dealing with a break up of my own. Thought this would be good therapy.))

It was going to be a long spring break. I know as soon as I picked Tikaani up from Piano Lessons he was in a bad mood. Rocking softly with Tig's frown on his face. Something happened, I didn't push it at first until I noticed that he was crying. Then I had to ask. For the almost fifteen years I've raised this boy, I've never seen him cry when he was sad. It was out of frustration as a child and as a teen he stopped crying in public. Now my wolf cub was bawling.

“Baby, what happened?” I asked as I pulled into the freeway. He continued to cry as he pulled out his communicator and started tapping on it. He pressed 'enter' and his machine-voice spoke for him. “Shantel broke up with me. Heart pain, go away, all done now Auntie” the communicator said in it's artificial voice. Oh god. Shantel Hensley. I know Tikaani has been dating her on and off. She was in a car crash as a small child and suffered brain damage. She is a sweet girl and her parents are wonderful people, but tends to over react a lot and is really high in emotion. Apparently something broke the camel's back and Shantel broke up with him. I saw it coming really. Shantel has always been bossy with Tikaani, she is accepting of his disability but always had a habit of pushing him. Tikaani has always been the stubborn type. So it was inevitable, does it mean it shouldn't hurt. Tikaani was rocking and rubbing his hands over his face. Rubbing the tears all over his mocha colored face. It was going to be a long evening too...


I saw it coming months ago. When Shantel stopped texting me before to say good night. She keeps saying she forgets but she never did previously. Now last month when she stopped texting me I knew something was up. I got my answer when my best friend JC told me that Shantel was cheating on me.

I saw her with Scoots, you know Tikaani, Eddie Collins, Scoots? She was with him.”

So. She goes with boys. I'm not jealous.

Tikaani..she was making out with him, I saw it and everything. I even asked her when Scoots left that if she was still dating you and stuff she told me it was none of my damn business.”

I...I am not jealous. I'll talk to Shantel, get whole facts down.”

JC has Aspergers, and always been the type to state things without knowing how they might affect someone. I do the same thing honesty, so I couldn't judge him. But when he told me that Shantel was cheating on me...I could tell he was being really careful not to hurt my feelings. I think that's why he's my best friend. Because he works hard not to let his “aspieness” try to effect our relationship. Not going to lie, I did have a crush on him for a while, but he's not bisexual like me, he likes girls. So I never told him.

The break up happened after Piano Lessons. She came down from Mr. Sanchez office from her own Vocal Lessons and wanted to talk to me. I felt a weird sick feeling in my belly. Like the kind you get when you're gonna throw up. I know something was going to happen. I didn't know what. I pulled my hair and started to take off my jacket. I tried to brace myself, but it wasn't good enough.

I'm sorry Tika, it's not working. This relationship is hurting both of us, I can't be your girlfriend anymore.”

All done.”

Yeah Tikaani, it's all done. Look you're a really sweet boy. But It's really hard to have relationship with someone that seems to be lost always in their world. I know you can't help it and you seem to find ways to talk with your iPhone...”

Not lost in world, well acquainted with it. All done. All done.”

Tikaani do you understand at all?”

Yes. Not girlfriend. All done.”

Yeah I understand I know what a break-up is. I also know that you are a cheating bitch. It doesn't matter anyway. It doesn't seem to matter whether she was faithful or not. When it comes down to it. Everything falls apart.


Tikaani didn't eat much as it was expected. I warned Maka and Amana that Tikaani was going to be surly this evening. I found him downstairs in the basement with his punching bag. Type O Negative was blasting in background. When girls deal with break ups, they binge on ice cream and chick flicks. When boys deal with break ups, they drink. When Tikaani grieves he blasts metal and industrial music and beats the shit out of punching bag.

Hey sweetie, do you feel like talking about what happened?” I asked thinking that now that he moved to drink down his power-aid he could talk to me. His communicator was charging near by. He signed no and shook his head, yet he picked up his device.

Shantel cheated. JC told me. He saw. He doesn't lie. Can't lie. All done with cheater. Stick with guys now.” he put down his device and started to play “Smooth Criminal” fitting for some reason. I smiled sadly and put a hand on his broad shoulder.

Hunny, guys can be cheaters too, just ask Amana.”

Guys are honest. Girls try to be nice.”

I gave him a wry smile. In Tikaani's mind. He rather have brutal honestly than careful eggshell walking. I don't blame him. I got up to leave him to work out his grief, knowing I had dishes to do. I couldn't help recall when a psychologist told me that Tikaani wouldn't fall in love, that autists don't understand romantic love. I laughed at him. I told him that just the fearful abled world not wanting to admit that people like him have feelings. Have hearts that break. It makes it easier to persecute and oppress when you dehumanize something. He just stared at me and gave an awkward cough. Anyone that says that autistics don't have hearts to break, needs to hear my nephew cry as he kicks the punching bag. Desperately wanting the heart break to go away.