Juxtaposition

It's becoming interesting on how my disability permeates my life. How it's presents covers my everyday living. I have been pushing pasted the old barriers of my autism and continue to walk forward, and find new limits and eventually move pass them. It's a constant cycle of learning, adaptation and acceptance.

It's that acceptance that allowed me to realize something important about myself. I am not really female. I never felt happy being a woman, I do not truly hate my body however, and my dysphoria is mild compared to other trans males. But the acceptance of one aspect of myself allowed me to accept another aspect and thus I started on the path of juxtaposition. Passing as an NT and passing as a man.

Being NT and being a man are very different concepts of passing. NT is not a choice, being NT is a survival behavior an act of adaptation that is needed for independence. It's funny now passing as a man is not about survival but the purest nature of acceptance of oneself. It's exposing, unearthing my real self to the public and revealing in it's freedom. That being said I am not ready for hormonal treatment or maybe I will never go through with hormonal transitioning. It's up the air, but now that I feel much more comfortable as a trans male. It made me realize why it too so long. It had to do with passing as an NT.

As I stated earlier being NT isn't unearthing oneself and finding joy in letting go of a mask. Never wearing it again. Being NT is about putting on the mask. It's about lying, beguiling the rest of NT society. The idea of mask wearing of making sure my true autie nature didn't bleed through is what kept me from realizing that passing as a woman wasn't making me happy. But I had to pretend to be female to use my woman body to fit in. I kept making excuses to why I wasn't happy as a woman. I am really bigendered, I am mostly male but I am female too. They were excuses. Rationalizations because coming to grips with the fact I am a man was very tedious process. It was cathartic when I did finally start identifying and accepting the fact I am a man. It was a relief. The acceptance of my autism has becoming a blueprint to accepting and living as a trans-man. I found other autists that are trans male they became role models. The process was long and going against the lessons I learned as mask wearing autist. Yet now, it's done.

As a child, you learn from a young age that no body wants you to be yourself. No body wants you to be who you are. When people tell you, "it's ok to be you" it's a social lie. Being who you are when you are born different, autistic, learning-disabled, gay, trans, inter-sexed, deaf etc, is dangerous. Look at the countless people that have committed suicide over their difference. Human culture doesn't want diversity, they don't want acceptance. They want conformity under the lie that diversity is ok. They want people to feel comfy that it's ok to be different, or that...their difference is ok while the others are not. It's vile. We grow up being told one thing and then the opposite. No wonder everything is such a clusterfuck, how can we move forward with social progress when everything is so juxtaposed. How can we create a society that will not harm countless of children with different identities when we have such polar concepts? How can we cry that we love diversity and that it is good when at the same time when abusing and oppressing anything that is diverse? It's a paradox.

And one that will eventually undo us.