Here we go again

With another shooting in the news the same usual suspects show up and without much ado, the Mental Illness and Developmental Disability community, pretty much gets bulldozed and scapegoated. Just like clockwork. I dread hearing about these dreadful shootings (not just because they are incredibly tragic), because once again we're the face of evil and violence. In weeks time schizophrenics, bi-polar and autistic adults (and teens) will be in the front pages of news blogs with tragic reports of there "aggressive" behavior and how were "time bombs" etc etc. Same song, same dance. It happened with the Virgina Tech massacre it happened with Columbine too, and now with the horrific Aurora Cinema shooting it seems that people keep conflicting Criminal Minds with real life.

Joe Scarborough said some pretty ignorant statements in regards to the shooting, and he got told off for them fortunately, but this just a slow change. Especially since Joe kinda missed the point. And to be a bit cynical here, people are going to continue to miss the point since this is always been sort of a hard lesson to learn. People with mental illnesses are not your killers. People with schizophrenic disorders, bi-polar, OCD, DID, Borderline are not your boogieman. Kassianne made clear point on this complete with stats on the real facts that we're the victims than the victimizers. In fact I have been hearing more frequently about the deaths of autistics lately. Yet still people continue to paint us as organic robots with no feelings or social awareness. I don't understand how hard it is for people to grasp that it's more likely that my neurtypical readers are going to to murder me or my neurotypical siblings than the other way around. Hell I should start profiling all the normies on my blog for Odin's sake.

I know what your people are like...

Gesturing Loudly

Today was my first ASL lesson at the Stonewall Center in Columbus. I have always been interesting in learning a new language, but I have some trouble learning verbal languages as I can't process aural information easily. I could do Latin, but it was less complex than say....learning Welsh (damn those dipthongs) so I want to try to learn ASL. For many reasons, one was to converse with non-speaking people that might rely on ASL as a form of AAC another was to converse with Deaf people and learn about another culture.

Also I want to talk to my friend Jay in his language most importantly.

Perhaps those are all shitty reasons in wanting to learn sign language, but wanting to understand another culture and another perspective is why NTs often interact with autsitics and maybe that is why they struggle.

I've talked to Jay before through text conversations about disability having a disability (Deaf people don't believe to be disabled) and living in a world not quite meant for us. I have had some interesting questions from him. He works with the DD community as a caregiver so when he found out that I was autistic he was curious. He asked me:
What is your functioning level? You are not severe?
I responded back (ignoring how fucking invasive that question is)
It's complex. I have good days when I can understand what is going on and I pass as a typical person well. Then I have days when I am like "rainman" Most of the time I can pass as typical. I have to. It's over whelming and tiring.
It's interesting when I talked to him. I saw a lot of parallels with Deaf culture and the sprouting autistic culture. He empathized with me, I saw in his eyes was we talked on a sheet of paper in the coffee house one Wednesday. I really understand Jay sometimes. I am not Deaf, but I get the fact that Hearing people are just as self involved and arrogant as NTs. I get the frustration of communicating to some one that doesn't see your language as a real language. I get it. I want to get it at least. I feel so unsure around Jay and other Deaf people. I don't want to be "that guy" you know, the allies that I rant about on my blog. But I really connect with Jay. I want to continue the friendship I have with him.

But maybe this is why I am writing this post. I live in a culture that has been scattered to the four winds. We don't have a collective language to exchange ideas and thoughts with. What we have a common feeling of oppression and exclusion. What is Autistic Culture? Is the question I am asking? It's something that I have been thinking about lately as I find myself walking into the Deaf community.

Nerds in the bedroom NSFW

Or dating as an autist

So for January's blog post I had idea to write about something that has been on my mind lately. Yes I know what your are thinking, but trust me on this guys, this image, is a metaphor.

With a buzz going around about John Elder Robinson, new book "Be Different : The adventures of a free-rang Aspergian" which is basically comes down to: "don't be an autist be normal and shit and maybe you'll get pussy." Which is what most of the reviews seem to articulate. I wanted to put in my two cents with dating an being autistic. I want to share a few stories and share some really personal stuff.


So most of this post is gonna be kinda NSFW

One thing that I keep hearing among the community both the parent dominated "Autism community" and the autist lead "Autistic community" is the anxiety of relationships. Because most autists are cis male, most of the discussion of dating has been geared to that side of the experience. I rarely see any dating guides geared towards female autists or transgender autists. Hell, even most of the dating guides are for hetronormative relationships. I don't see people giving advice to gay men or lesbian women. From what I see with questions about people looking for girl friends on AFF or the various dialogues about parents sadden that their sons can't have typical families or whatever that means. It's apparent that us trannies, fags and cunts don't exist.

Fortunately there is this explaining the "Double Rainbow" phenomenon and touching some important intersectionality concepts. Including being queer and autistic, trans and autistic and agender/asexual and autistic. Which are topics that are almost always cut out of the discussion. As well as Autists in the kink community (another topic that never is talked about because of the context of "kink). There is a lot of topics about relationships sex and gender that are never touch because of our culture's social taboo with sex as well as another taboo. People with developmental delays/disabilities shouldn't have sex. It's something that has been asserted in media and made a joke off. The problem is that this joke is doing more harm than good and it's time realize that autistic can have healthy meaningful relationships with love ones and yes. Have sex. Lots of sex. Consentual. Adult. Sex.

Did I mention sex?

Yes their are autistics that are asexual, I have plenty of autist friends that are aromantic and asexual. That is not what I am pissed off at. They are asexual by their own merit. I don't want to say "chose" because no one chooses anything (I didn't chose to be a gay trans man), however there are asexual NTs too. The autists I know that asexual are not because they are autistic. But because that happens to be their flavor of the "rainbow." Media always inputs that an if there is an autist in any relationship, their relationship is cute and platonic and if it's sexual it's quirky and awkward an that they are a virgin (See Adam). You want to know a fact. Some autists like a rough, some like it dirty. Some like kink, some have fetishes, some are not virgins and some...are perfectly vanilla and guess what? All of them are ok, and natural. Problem is that people don't assume autistics have normal sex lives. They either group us as asexual to avoid the topic or the imagery or they make us perverts. Let us not even go into the idea that non-speaking autists are all "children" and can't consent. Because we know that is bullshit.


I am sure you can program the dynavox to say "Lets fuck like rabbits". I am sure it's been done before.

But back on a serious note. Dating is a complicated manner. I have been abused by my ex husband, abused by my former suitors and while I am going through transitioning I have been less confident in my abilities on attracting a mate. Josh ended up being a breath of fresh air. He has been loving, supportive and flexible. We do fight, argue but we make up and try to learn. He is also an autist too and like myself. There has been some communication gaps. No relationship is perfect, but we manage to sync up. Also, something else I discovered. I don't have sex with Josh...we make love. A phrase I had not much credence too. Yet after the almost nine months in our relationship, I get it now. I know what it means now. It took me a long time but, I had something I never had with my ex; something I guess I am lucky to experience.

Now remember the lube I have on the top of the essay? It is a metaphor. Relationships often have a lot of friction and complications. Teamwork, context and communication can help lubricate it. And you know what? Autists can learn it.

To finish up I want to bring something up. I am sick of the idea that NT women date aspie men because they want to fix them or find their quirkiness "cute". I feel that NT women either negate their disability or exacerbate it. Then if it fails, they are the victims. Maxine Aston often pulls this bullshit (remember the Cassandra Syndrome bull?). Aspie men are not fixer-upers. They are not children looking for a mom. Aspie women are not delicate virgins or on the other side of the table, not butch geeks with motorcycles with a devil-may-care attitude like Lizbeth Salander (I hear a rumor that she might be portrayed as asperger on the movie) or dorky animu weeboos either.

This is probably a news flash for some. But autistics are people. Human, and fallible. We have preferences, identities and needs like normal people would in relationships. We might need guidance and some help sometimes, but we can function in a relationships.


Bard

Silver Bells and Holiday Memories

Hi kids, still lurking on this blog?

Well I am still kicking, I have just been enjoying my break. However I am sure you all want to know how my holiday is going and what I have been up to (not really I am sure), so here is a short essay on holidays memories and recalling details.



**************

Routine has been the soft fluffy blanket in my life (like the one on my lap) and one that I have hard time getting rid off (kinda like Linus with his). I like structure, simple patterns and things I can remember and organize easily. This is probably why I love the holidays. For some autists, it's chaotic and noise and bundle of sensory issues. But for me, it's a routine I can rely and remember and recall.

except for this year.

This year, is the first where I wasn't with my mom or my dad. I didn't thunder downstairs (or upstairs) to open presents. There was no holiday get together, no collective of relatives to play Taboo with. I was with Josh and his family and for some reason, I started crying on Christmas Eve about it. I was homesick, which is unheard of for me. I never get homesick and I like adventures and trying new things (occasionally when my anxiety doesn't blindside me)and this was planned back in November so this wasn't a "Sudden Change", but simply something that just occurred to me.

This is not my holiday routine.

Just for the record, I did have a marvelous Christmas with Josh's folks who treated me like I was their son, gave me wonderful presents and had a superb holiday dinner. Just to abate any fears that Christmas was terrible (because it wasn't). I will also get gifts and (give my own) to my family later after New Years. So it wasn't like I wasn't going to spend a mini-Xmas with my mom and step-dad.

Still the routine wasn't like last year, or the year before and these holiday memories didn't match or echo to ones before. The thing I like about Yule and the other winter holidays. Is the fact I can recall past experiences and go "oh yeah this is what is going to happen next", I have a library of memories than I can actually go back to to predict the next events in Winter Break, Christmas and New Years. For instance, here is what happened years back and what usually happens every year.

-I go see my mom
-I get gifts
-There is dinner at her place or at Aunt Lynn's
-Coffee and desert followed by family games.
-Go home with loot

This year was:
-Go Josh's apartment
-Hang out with him all break
-Go to his parents
-get gifts
-watch movie
-eat food
-go home

What really threw me off was the fact there wasn't a huge party of family. I wasn't playing Taboo or Apples to Apples and watching my family laugh recall memories and enjoy the peace of being with a clan.

I think that is what the crux of the essay is. I miss being with something so routine and familiar and comforting. my family both the Hannah (my mom's family) and Kramer (dad's family) I miss being with the sea of faces noise and happiness of the chaos that comes with it. It's only time when I feel happy being overloaded with noise, smell and people. For the rest of the year I am pretty much with just dad and myself. Routine and the daily grind doesn't have the right kind of overload (just the wrong) and I am stuck in a system of being underwhelmed and bored.

However while I love Josh and his family and I feel so blessed to be included. There is something to be said about missing and longing the faces you know and remember.

For an autist, family is the only thing we have (for some at least, not all) that is unyielding and unchanging. It's the only comfort we have that we can trust and while my dad has his moments when I want to scream, and my mom has her's when I want to sigh. I love them and I feel like something is missing when I can't spend the holidays with my mom.

Unspoken

Language is so incredibly complex. It's a true testament to the highly social society that humanity is. Yet we tend to be so narrow-sided when it comes to language and what constitutes as such. We put things in boxes, and over analyze and structure things that don't have a structure.

This is a continuation of old essay called "speaking in Drakk", of course this is playing off the same metaphor of speaking in a complex language that is hard to understand like the fantastic language of drakk. Not all things are spoken, not all things are easily perceived. Not all things are clearly read. Which is why I am writing this, like drakk, the expression of love is not always obvious. Humans don't read gentle grinding of horns or foreheads like a kiss. Nor do they understand why drakkhani would rub their tails against another, or why eye contact is an intimate act. This is flies over their heads, but for a drakkhani it's obvious what those gestures mean. For autists, it's also obvious what certain gestures mean.

Each autists expresses love in unique fashions. Individual to the person expression affection. Some will say "I love you" others will show it and like in drakk, sometimes it's hard to understand it.

I use affection in the same way a dog might roll over on it's back. It's not out of love sometimes it's out of fear. I am afraid of being abandoned or yelled at, so I shower my dad with kisses or hugs and "I love yous" it's not out of tenderness but submission. I just want to make sure, dad isn't mad at me. It's childish, but it's an act that I can't shake. With my boyfriend, I grind my head against his, I squeeze his hand. I growl softly. Most of my more genuine acts are unusual from the traditional displays of affection. Yes I kiss, but french kissing isn't a favorite of mine, I like rubbing against him and being tickled. Those to me are the most intimate of acts next to making love. I also know when he says I love you, when leans on me. When he kisses the top of my head. It gets to the point when he kisses my cheek I say. "I love you too."

I just know and autistic kids know to and despite not showing it in the typical fashion. They do show genuine love. Like drakk, it's hard to read the first time around.

VLog: Problem with Goldilocks Rhetoric

Speaking in Drakk part duex

I know I know it's been a month since I've updated, I can expla-no never mind. I can't. I was actually to lazy to update. That. And I have boyfriend now. So I have been madly in love and oblivious to autism politics. I might also co-mod AFF (cue screaming) to help out Richard who is one of the admins.

Dear God. Save me now.


Speaking of praying to supposed deities. This brings up my topic today. I am planning to come out to my mom (again...cue more screaming), this is not going to be easy at all and honestly it's probably going to be the most stressful conversatiohttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifns I am going to have with my mom (this makes telling my mom I am going to live with Patrick seem like a cakehttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif-walk now). Because of this stress I will fall into the violent spiral of Communication Hell, and I won't make DAMN sense on what I am trying to explain to my mom.

This seems to happen a lot to aspies and auties and really...it's the unmasking of passing NT. Get us upset or flustered, language skills go POOF. It is apparent when I start getting into a discussion with someone that I either loose speech or my speech become convoluted. It's hard to have a conversation when I am upset because most NTs struggle to understand what I am saying and they get frustrated and then...everyone is angry.

It's like one of my drakkhani speaking their language to a human that knows it, but is still learning it. When upset the conversation ends up like this:

I could tell Taajah is frustrated, his head is lowered and his face is grim. I tried to ask him in English what's wrong, instead I got a response in Drakk. He flicked his tail and wiggled his ears, the barks and sharp word-clicks made the sentence hard to understand, I replied with a note of confusion in Drakk, I got a more growly response, changing the sentence again. At this point I just backed off. I can't understand Taahaj when he is angry.

Words become harder to understand when I am upset. Langauge almost changes. I have to find a way to keep myself from being upset...or have my sister play translator.

Loosing myself

I don't know why

But when I paint. I loose myself. Hands fly over my face. I rock as I strew colors on my page. I totally lose myself into the painting. Sometimes I feel like crying. I might be the music I listen too, it might be feelings of joy when my soul drips into the paints and into my paintings.

I don't know why, but it feels like part of my brains just clicks off when I start to paint. It's odd, I don't talk I just stim and paint.

Curious.

Dear Friends

Hey friends,

I know my identity as a transman is new and scary for some of you. And you are at lost at what to do. My response is simple. I am still Bard. I am still, funny, quirky, smart and still me. My gender has changed but myself as a whole has not. You don't need you to treat me "like a guy" I just wanted to be treated like me.

With respect
Bard.

This is a letter to all of the folks that decided to shove me into a box and treat me with nonchalant indifference when I am hurt from mistreatment. It's funny how being trans and autistic kinda intersect in that regard

Also Jesus!goat died for your sins

Diagnosing my Father

Though I admit this blog is geocentric, and I tend to ramble on things that no one really has interest in but I figure some people out their with fathers might be interested in this post or at least to some degree.

I have to admit I am a 'daddy's girl', I seem to be the only child in our little clan of hobbits that was loyal to dad. My Katie has forgiven my father after years of grudging and despising my father. Allyson sadly, only knew him distantly. After all she was almost two when Dad left us. I was almost eleven. Which makes sense why I was so connected to him. I remember him better.

I was very bright child, though I had no audio memory (or rather I lack the processes to store verbal information) I could still remember conversations with my father on our long drives. He took me fishing a lot, these were priceless memories. Him taking me to watch the planes and and trains and fishing were treasures I kept with me. To him I will always be his 'fishing buddy'.

However despite the soft images of him singing nonsense songs and explaining to me how salmon migrate and how the venturi effect work, I was still terrified of my father. He was aggressive and loud and sometimes unapproachable. Talking to him was impossible. Not only was it difficult to communicate in general but trying to talk to someone that used fear as disciple measure...it just couldn't be done. I was selectively mute when I tried to talk. Dinner conversations made me sick I lost my appetite often. It took me years, recently actually before I had a decent conversation with my father or least had the courage to tell him to back off. This was all before my father realized he raising an autistic girl. Even now he is still clueless but he knows now not to raise his voice anymore. Thank gods.

As I am writing this down, I noticed patterns. My father had a very route schedule. He did well as a Fire fighter because it was very organized. He like routine as I did and he was also obsessed with certain topics. History of weapons was one of them, as well as natural science. He was bigot with very black and white views. He tend to speak inappropriate topics had no filter and was emotion blind.

By the description, it sounds like my father definitely had autistic tendencies. Whilst I won't diagnose him as autistic (despite the title) I will say he would probably be border line. Though maybe I am seeing only want I want to see. But we did get a long well to some degree. And yes maybe because we both had the same social habits. Yet, my mother tends to use my father as bad example and believes I will end up like him. She scapegoated his problems onto me, so I ended up bearing a lot of my mother grief about my father.

While it is plausible I will be living with him, I am have to say I am not looking forward to it all. My father is a drunk, a bigot and an oppressive Christan. We won't get along unless I sacrifice my identity for the sake of living peacefully with him. It's the flaw really of being autistic. We're not flexible animals. We like things as is, no interruptions or change. This is something we can work on but never get rid of. I hate change so does my father. One of us will buckle and change for the other person, and that is going to be me. Gotta live up to my name anyway (Honor and Grace) can't pitch a bitch about it.

As I still love for housing I still can't help but feel that living with my father (bad as it) as a curse. Hopefully my father will learn to be flexible and accept the changes and have serenity.

Cross your fingers

The kitsune illusion and thoughts on priviledge

Foxes were thought to live lives much like people, and in art they often interact with each other in a partially anthropomorphic form, standing on two legs and wearing clothes. But to enter the world of humans they had to look completely like them, as foxes caught trying to trick people with disguises would be severely punished, and often wound up in soup. A fox wishing to transform itself had many special techniques at its disposal, such as placing a human skull on top of its head and praying to the Big Dipper. A careless fox might still leave elements of its anatomy unchanged beneath its clothes, usually a tail but sometimes fur and paws as well, and sometimes it was thus discovered.

From Kitsune entry on Obakemono

Pretending to be normal is hard work. It's constant struggle to keep the illusion that you are human and not a 'fox'. My ears appear sometimes and my tail and I will always be a fox. But I have to disguise myself as a human to live happily. 

The illusion of normalcy is a guise that HFA wear often. We have too. It's not a choice that some may want, but it's a choice we preform on a regular basis in order to survive. For some it's tasking and over whelming. For others, it's gets wary after a long while many are tired of being "human". Misanthropy is a common side-effect. 

I used the allegory of the "kitsune" to demonstrate a point that being what you are not is not easy and not simple either. Normalcy is what many want to achieve, and those autists are blind-sided by the idea that 'normal makes everything better' or better than being autistic. Some that live highly complex and impaired lives and understandably, having that impairment lessen would be tremendous. I know this well as someone that deals with depression and mania as well as anxiety. Having those qualities  removed would be tremendous. However I feel that many are naive to assume that us "ninja autists" live easy and impairment-free lives. That is not the case. I am not living an easy life because I can handle sensory information better or being verbal. Even Ari probably has disability in his life too. But he works hard in keeping it in check all the time while public. He even states in articles that it's exhausting. Why do people have this delusion that Aspies don't struggle like LFAs do? Whilst we lack many difficulties, our problems are on the same page. We struggle to process information, we have cognitive functioning issues, we have sensory issues and we have a hard time communicating. Our problems are different but not any less valid. While I believe no one is disagreeing that. I feel that people don't understand how hard it is some times to be "human" when you're a "fox". 

Of course this is "old meme" and every parent has heard it before but I just thought I should give my two pennies about it.

Now on a different matter but on the same hand. What the hell is with all this privilege? I was reading this post on Kim's blog and it brought up a thought that I talk a lot about and even mentioned on my old "Fucking Ethics" essay. 

Why are NT's so gung ho in throw their privilege around? Why do parents always seem to assume what they want is what their child wants? As I stated in several blogs. I am pro-choice. I am neither anti or pro cure. Why? Because cure is such a loaded word and it has several meanings for some people. For some it means to speak for others it means not to be loaded with sensory information to the point of chronic overload. It's personal. Therefore it should be the choice of the autist. Problem is that we either have hierarchy or NT Privilege making statements and judgments that reek of ableism or disconnect. The thing that I see a lot of are parents (namely NT) that never confer or talk to their older autistic child about treatment or cure or the parents of younger ones who have this Holy Grail kind of goal and don't try to break it down. They need to realize eventually your son or daughter is going to have opinions of their own? What will you do when your child says: 'I don't want this program/diet/medicine anymore?' Or inverted. What will you do when your child asked to be cured? How will you go about that anti-cure parents? 

On the other side. Aspies need to STFU up when they say, "oh no cure for us HFA but them LFA need it." No. Not your choice either. I should be the person choice of individual not the heard. Especially when you do say that your basically taking a huge dump on the rights and awareness of of other 'Purple' autists and furthering the massive disconnect between they spectrum ends. Stop it. Also, while I shouldn't bitch at this. LFA's that want cure shouldn't be frowning at the LFA that use aug communication or have been institutionalized and don't want to be cured and are happy as is. Really when I say it's personal it's personal. In some context if an Aspie wants a cure then I hope he finds it. It's not going stop me from shaking my head in pity though. But I will wish him the best.

I think cure is too personal to be decided by a group or an observer. 

Also. I will get a picture of Tikaani up for everyone to say thanks for the donations <3

Pro-cure autists.

As much as many want to believe a lot of autists don't feel the same way as neuro-ds do. Many of them fall in to the dissonance of loathing and deprivation. Though this is pitiable and sometimes rather pathetic. It's understandable that they like parents when they find out their children are autistic that they too go through a grieving process.

The "autie" version of Curbie Bingo shows many examples of autists discriminating against other autists and autistic self-hate. Though I reciprocate much of their hurt and confusion a world that is so discriminating. But separating yourself from your diagnosis and hunting for the "unicorn" that is the cure, is really disappointing. Why? Because your setting yourself up for a "cure" is really succumbing to the lies of the neurotypical society and letting yourself be cowed by outside pressures. While I may be pro-choice when it comes to cure and I will not stop anyone from looking for a cure. I will however, pity those that do and hope that they will find happiness even it means for something that doesn't exist and placebo effects.

Acceptance does not mean no treatment. It means having courage to change what you can and they serenity and grace to accept the things you can't change. To pull something from Disney's Gargoyles; Hudson, an elder gargoyle said to the younger trio, that A gargoyle cannot stop protecting the castle as it cannot stop breathing the air (I think), in that same tangent an autist cannot stop being autistic in the manner we cannot stop breathing the air.

I am whole

The screaming from Ollie's locked bedroom could be heard all over the home he is residing at. The 18 year old autistic telekinetic boy's tantrum was over on one thing. Someone took his game boy away. It was the only thing that brought him comfort and it was taken from him. Mr. Whicker noticed that the lock was starting to break. It won't belong out of confusion and frustration, Ollie would psychically break the door down.


Hanai spent two an half hours with Tikaani as he spent that time vomiting and crying, his fever will not break and the healers could break it. Maka had his fourteen year old nephew in his arms as the flu ravaged him. Occasionally out of anger and sickness Tikaani will scream and break something or try to run outside into the snow to cool off. Hanai sat beside him brushing the hair out of his eyes as he made to drink boiled water. Maka looked at his wife with a fear. Will this be the end of their foster son?

Opening paragraphs are from Ollie, a character set in alternate earth, he and two others are gifted with superpowers and call themselves the league of misfits. The other is of Tikaani.

Why would I write something so depressing? Especially since I am so hopeful and confident. This is less "emo" and more reflection.

Out of many neurodiversity blogs out there. They all seem to have this whirlwind optimism. Many are established adults with jobs, or stable income or college kids with a secure environment. Some are self-dx with no legal repercussions of their pasted on diagnosis. Others are formal and have files in their hospitals.

What I am addressing is despite being whole we are not always in constant state of happy gung-ho pride. I will say since no one else will, at least on my end of the camp. Autism does suck. I am not saying that out of depression. I am stating a real truth. Autism does suck, not all the time but it's not something to constantly glorified and "inb4thebutthurt" of people in the "BUT I DON'T GLORIFIY IT!!!!one11!" But I have yet to see people admit that being developmentally disabled does blow a little.

People however love to blame others, mostly neurotypicals saying that it's society's fault that we have it so rough. Yes the social structure is one problem. But if you put a bunch of auties from around the spectrum together on a deserted island, there are going to be just as many problems with that than solutions. The world doesn't suddenly make sense if we're all in one room. We have no standard mode of operating and because of our various social skill level were going to be missing important cues and most likely argue and fight out of frustration, this will go along a for a long while until we figure out how to a set an strong routine. However if we all end up stuck on AutIsland, and we do figure out a structure. You bet your momma's spaghetti that goverment will hold together. Most of us are stickers for the rules.

Which proves that everything has a dark and light side. While I may say Autism sucks (occasionally) and that not everything can be blamed on other people. I do see good from my disability. However I feel I do not have an autie talent, if anything I am rather plain. My art skills are mediocre and my writing is on that same level. I have a lot of flaws but nothing to really balance it. So it seems.

While there are bad days as the first to show, there are good days. Find them and celebrating them is important just recognizing the "autism sucks" days.

How to teach humans to speak Drakk.

Opening fiction: Lucian

I could speak my own language fluently. The clicks, chirps whisles and growls are part of a complex pattern. Drakk, my native tongue is instrinstic to me as humans speaking verbal is instrinstic to them. However teaching the humans the launguage of the dragon-folk is both a laudable and foolish task.

Language or lack there off is one of the core differators in Autism. Autists of all colors have problems in commuication and language. "Red" or Asperger autists speak like foreigners speaking English fluently. They know their own native tongue but they can converse English well, abiet they have trouble in some cases. Whilst Purple autist know their language and struggle to learn a totally diffrent and equally complex one.

Diagnosticly the difference between a Red and Purple autist is simply, when the child started talking. Precocious speakers learned verbalize quickly and can hold conversations, lack of langauge delay is what makes a autist an asperger or an HFA. But beyond diagnosisic symptoms, even aspergers have trouble speaking what really is to us, a foreign language. Even the most fluent, stumble and trip around signals and diologue. For us, verbal communication is very clumsy and often hard to process. However we so manage and use it well enough to go through out the world without causing so much of a head turn. At least for us lucky "Red" autists. But this isn't about us learning verbal communication, but for NT's to learning our language.

The opening diologue is spoken by a Drakkhani (humanoid dragon-like creatures) man named Lucian Galesong. His language is a complex mix of clicks, growls and words, with body language and posture to accent it. Many of the words spoken in 'Drakk' are almost unpronunceable by English speaking humans. The written "romanized' words are spoken nothing like they are written and it becomes a difficult and frustrating language for humans to speak. So. Most all together make the Drakkhani people learn English, which to them is a very hard, but in the same hand simple language. Many like my character Quasar, learn it but never reach the point where they can talk just as well as humans. Lucian and Taajah both learn to speak "Human words" at an early age and speak it without an accent or major problems. For Drakkhani many never learn for a varity of reasons (Wildborn, too old, ect) but humans refuse to bother with Drakk.

This is the thesis of language with autuistic people and typicals. Why do we struggle with learning your langage your words your culture. But act like learning ours is some great mystery. Though it can be challenging and engimatic, it feels like only autist bother with crossing the vast and shakey bridge which is communication but NTs are tapping their feet waiting for us to cross it.

Today was interesting however. As I was heating up lunch I remarked to "L" who was watching the microwave carosel spin, "Huh, you like watching the micro wave don't you? Probably because it spins. Don't worry I still like to watch celing fans go around and around." Later as I finshed up, one of the teachers approuched me and asked. "What attracted you to celing fans?" That wasn't a hard question but difficult ot explain in the right words. I told her it was simply because I just needed something to focus on, something constant and unchanging. Everything in this world shifts and moves erractily. Celing fans say the same. It's a little peiece of continuality that never veers off from the norm. Autistics seem to be drawn to that. She thanked me and continued helping the class.

All the while I was thinking. "Huh, so one person step foot on that bridge."

Backup "Letter to Autspks and Counter act"

Dear Suzanne Wright,

 

There is a chance that this letter will be ignored or be responded with an automated message, but if you do read this letter I will introduce myself to you.

 

I write short stories, and paint with watercolors, I have paintings in art shows and I work at two different school centers. I travel around my home state and I am part of different activism groups. I am also twenty-two and asperger autistic.

 

I has come to my attention on your newest campaign and video, “I am Autism”, that the material in this show is very degrading and hurtful to autistic people. Many individuals from all over the spectrum has felt that this video continues the old mythos of the “stolen child” and that autistic people are hollow empty shells. This kind of message is dehumanizing the autistic community and parents who do not feel that their precious and unique child is a “burden” and that some anthropomorphic disorder has taken them and hell-bent to ruin their lives.

 

Being autistic has not been easy. I do not ignore the struggles I have had being asperger, society has been a vicious animal to me, and it hard to speak a language that I am not fluent in. It took me two years to find another job and I have yet to hold steady employment. I panic easily and suffer from meltdowns as any autist would. However, I try walk forward and live my life as I want to live it.

 

The message portrayed in your video seems to make the “normative” feel good and the “autist” dependant on them, as if they have no say on what treatments they need want or if they want treatment. I was given many kinds of pills and treatments, I was given no say on whether I want them or not. I took me years to foster the kind of independence I need to make the choices that benefit me.

 

Autistics have place in this world, we are the odd child in the classroom that makes a masterpiece in art class, we're the kid that solves math problems with ease, the child that adapts well online or the child that feels the endless freedom of music. We have hopes, dreams, loves and desires. Many of our voices are silenced by the countless voices of parents who care more for the lime-light of being the victim than their own child's feelings and thoughts.

 

In the end, every child on the spectrum, whether be a classic autist or an asperger one, is still a human being, but even your video seems to deny us that. You say we autists lack empathy and we need to understand how hard parents have it. I wish parents gain some empathy for us and see how hard it is for us to have some form of respect and dignity from our neuro-typ...no, neuroaccepted peers.

 

With Respect,

Noranne “The Bard” Cochran.

  Here is what Dee said.

Dear Anne,



The short film I Am Autism was created by two fathers of children with autism – Billy Mann, a Grammy-nominated songwriter, music producer and Autism Speaks board member, and Alfonso Cuarón, an Academy award-nominated film director. Set to a personal poem by Mr. Mann, the short film features home video footage voluntarily contributed by families around the world affected by autism. It is an intensely personal expression by these two fathers and their hope is that the piece inspires other voices and artists in the autism community.


: Autism Speaks believes that all individuals with autism and their families, regardless of their perspective or the nature of their disorder, should have the power to be heard.  No one perspective can ever be the definitive voice of autism. We encourage everyone in the autism community to acknowledge the myriad voices and have tolerance for the spectrum of opinions.

Anne, I would love to read your short stories, and see your watercolor painting.  Perhaps we would be able to have you take part of our “in their words” that we have up on our website.  We extend an invitation out to all that want to be heard on our platform.



Warmest regards,

Mrs. Wright



I am tempted to show my paints of my autistic boy Tikaani and maybe my writings. Do you know how should I respond to this? 

Dear Suzanne and Dee,

 

Thank you for responding to my letter with such speed. I appreciate the time you took to write back to me.

 

I have read your response and I am still processing it. Forgive me if my less than stellar communications cause a problem. I see that while you may have read my letter you haven't quite understood the point I was trying to make.

 

My point is that you video had very negative and hurtful portrayal of autistic people (ironically with video of autists being happy) and even though you state there are many voices of the autistic community, it seems that only the parents voices are actually heard and you make no effort to have our voices heard too.

 

Allow me to quote from Depeche Mode “Now I'm not looking for absolution. Forgiveness for the things I do, but before you come to any conclusions. Try walking in my shoes. Try walking in my shoes.”

 

How many of your chair-board have actually seen the world though our eyes and actually try to empathize with us? You empathize with the parents, the fact you picked to academy winning fathers is proof, but will you show a film of an adult autist, happy with who he is, and given the acknowledgment and affirmation that being autistic is ok and who he is? Or what about a film of a parent raising her child and teaching her how to self-advocate and loves her child despite her autism? Or will that turn away the grants you need?

 

I looked at “In Their Words” and it's written in the voice of the parent not the autist, I would like to participate but I am afraid your editors and PR folks wouldn't like the stories of self-determination and will power of an autistic adult, who will not be cured or changed by outside pressures.

 

I will of course show selections of works I have written about my autistic character of mine and paintings I have done. Perhaps it will be proof that we do think abstractly and show imagination.

 

With pride

Noranne “The Bard” Cochran.

I also sent them one my written pieces of Tikaani (which I will show here) and a link to my art blog.  

Back Up "Role play and Ableism"

For those that don't know Tikaani is the mascot of the blog, he's my autistic by from the Avatar the Last Airbender setting. He's a fan character of mind and I like to Role Play with him. I am in a forum as a mod for one game when I got this...here is the letter and my responses.

Mainly it is about your character, and some of the things you have put up in your avatar and signature. I have talked to people, and they feel that having a autistic character may disturb kids that may join, plus it seems almost as if you are making fun of them. This concerns me. Others say that your profile is not appropriate for Avatar: The Last Airbender, that it almost seems like it is from an old Indian movie, and that your character is making fun of the water tribe.

Please note that all of these concerns were not brought up by me.

*eyebrow lift* I am assuming this is Tenisho who brought this up. He still is pretty butthurt I see. He use to be on TARP (another Fourm game) he wanted to play with Tikaani and then chicken out.

I have talked to people, and they feel that having a autistic character may disturb kids that may join

How would an autist disturb kids or players rather? If they have questions I can educate them. I am not disturbing at least I don't think so. Fear is the absence of knowledge, hate is it's progeny. If kids have problems with Tikaani I will be more than happy to help with them. I have been having the oppisit problem. A lot of kids adore Tikaani and find him fun to play with, I get some complements from people and I have fan art of him. I had one indivual that didn't know any thing about autism until she played with Tikaani.

As an aspeger autist myself I don't know how I would "disturb" people. I do a lot of actism for disablity rights. http://prismsong.livejournal.com/ Feel free to read some of my essays.

plus it seems almost as if you are making fun of them. This concerns me. Others say that your profile is not appropriate for Avatar: The Last Airbender, that it almost seems like it is from an old Indian movie, and that your character is making fun of the water tribe<

How so? I try not to take my disablity so seriously. I am allowed to poke fun at it once in a while. I don't understand how an EB Yeats poem and my "Mad-autie"(see icon in this post) icon is "making fun". Also I don't understand how is my profile "inappropriate" for Avatar? I've squeezed him into many games. He was part of a murder mystery in the first board he deputed in. I have to say that it's pretty Ableist to assume he won't be "appropriate" for Avatar. I would like to have someone teach him how to read, or maybe be in a drumming competion. There is also the idea of him using his "voice recording" talent too.

How is it I am making fun of the watertribe. If you mean Tikaani's parents? Well if you look up ancient cults around the world, they did that to many disabled children. Children with Down Syndrome, Autism, Cerebral Palsy, birth defects were often killed or left alone to die. The story of the changling is based on those children (Which is the archtype for Tikaani) He was adopted by his aunt I don't see how that making fun of the water tribe. Kinda brings home how adaptive watertribe is.

To conclude,
You need give me more spefic issues. I am not breaking any rules or hurting other players. I don't know what you want from me. Maybe just an explination. I don't know.

Unless you want me to remove Tikaani from the game and allowing ignorance and ableism to floursh, then I will do that. Eventhough I will feel unwanted as an autist myself and feel that it's good way to minoritize issues like cognitively disabled characters in Role Play.

It's a damn shame.

If you would like I am on AIM
SoloBWolf if you like to discuss the issue.

Bard.


I feel kinda heartbroken and angry at this. But she is so young and NT so I don't know what I fault her on. If I have to leave the boards because of I would be very disappointed. 

ETA: the admin wrote this

I actually just wanted an explanation, so I will thank you for that. It was not Tenshio that complained however. But I will say, that I am not actually expressing any of my issues, for I really had none, other than the word bullshit in your avatar. That was my only issue. Your signature was fine except for the "Always up for one on one action on AIM", people may take that the wrong way. I don't care if you say, Always up for talking on AIM, but yeah... 

I have no issues with your profile. If I had, I wouldnt have accepted it, so I will talk to the people that were complaining.

I actually wouldn't mind RPing with Tikaani once I have an older character. Like I said, I really didn't have an issue with the character, it was other people that did.

Apparently I am responsible for people having their heads in the gutter.

Backup "Goldilocks Effect"

Years ago I couldn't help but recive stares from my people as I took Tikaani to the market place. The sounds and smells and sights all overwhelm my nephew and often topples into these horrific meltdowns in which My husband picks him up and carries him home. I often hear many of the fisher-wives say that 'maybe I should get a healer to exorcise Tikaani, some think I am raising a water spirit and it was cursing my house. Others, pitied Tikaani and believe that one day he would be shipped off into the Earth Kingdom to be in a inisitution where he would be safe from scrutiny. Of course, it isn't he who recieves the most judgement. It's me. I've have learned that explaining yourself to other parents who do not raise children with impairments is ridiculous. They will not hear and often rationalize that they are not judging me and that they know better. I have raise two sons and a daughter and I am often their senior. How dare they!

However some parents often give good advice, one is with Pua, a woman healer who has a deaf daughter Kaleuu. She cannot talk but she she communicates though pictures. She understood that Tikaani wasn't cursed but had some mental disability. She told me that communication is more important than anything. I needed to have Tikaani find way to communicate to me what he needed. I used the hand language that she taught Kaleuu, he learned a few gestures and I thought in time he would be relying on the hand-language until he said his first words. Pua was elated as well and encourage me to expand his vocubulary. But as soon as he gain the ablility to speak, I lost my "kid is disabled card' now parents were giving me all sorts of dirty looks. I realized that there was no way to win this. Either he is too disabled and I should toss him or he isn't disabled enough and I should spank him.

Good TUI! My people are so frustrating...

Hanai opens up with important observation, either you are two disabled to get it or not disabled enough. I call this the "Goldilocks Rebuttle" Cure-parents often throw this up to Purple autists for ND and Red autists as well. It's pretty common that they make this statement to avoid conversing with autists that have an opinion on certain perspectives such as medication and therapy, but often, we are denied to speak it. I hear it often from real life. I wrote another rant about this about few years ago, which I'll open and link to everyone here. 

I hear this a lot from NTs in real life too. It's somehow a default response to every time I say "oh btw I am AS =D" some times they catch me will the 'mask' off and people realize that my normalcy is an illusion. All of it is a well constructed social lie. I am not normal I am autistic. And once people get that through their heads will make things easier to explain. 

No I also had the other side of the rebuttle, 'You're autistic you won't understand' part too. I also get this in RL and online a lot too. In one rant I did in Asperger, I had one of my editors rationalize that because I was asperger, I didn't understand metaphores hence my reaction to his crappy one. No it was crappy, stop using my DX to analyze me. It doesn't work like that. When I get meltdowns and people are there witnessing it they often feel like it's their job to scold me 'tell us what to do when this happens' or 'warn us next t time' HEY I would like a warning too the next time my brain has a memory dump and blue screens. My mother thinks that my panic attacks (what we called my meltdowns at that time) could have been prevent and talked to my step-dad about sending me to a group home. 

You can never win. Either you are not autistic like so and so's little brat so all your point are null (next time someone says that I want to record one of my meltdowns and post it online so people can have some damn proof) or your too autistic and you don't get it at all because your poor little autie brain can't process it.

You know what? Fuck you. Also to put on tangent. Self-Dx aspies=/= all aspies. 

Anyway tomarrow I will have a v-cast ready.