Playing the Fool

The Fool Card

At #0 (or, in some decks, #22, the last card as much as the first of the Majors) the Fool is the card of infinite possibilities. The bag on the staff indicates that he has all he needs to do or be anything he wants, he has only to stop and unpack. He is on his way to a brand new beginning.

But the card carries a little bark of warning as well. While it's wonderful to be enthralled with all around you, excited by all life has to offer, you still need to watch your step, lest you fall and end up looking the fool.




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The day after Autistic Speaking Day has left me with a sense of apathy lately. While I have been rather jaded and burnt out with the past events of doing disability activism for ASAN. I personally stopped caring about what lives I will changed or have changed or have left in doubt. You might gasp at this and find it tragic but trust me. This is me drawing the Fool Card.

I use do Tarot readings for shits and giggles. Later I got more interested in Rune casting and I actually excelled in Runes than Tarot. Still, the point of the metaphor is not about how I like to do divination for fun, but why I didn't look before I leap.

I was over doing it. I was throwing myself into my work and thus expended my emotional resources which left me a bitter, jaded and hateful person. I don't like the saccharine kids that want to be Aut-activists, my patients for parents is gone and any superheroish feelings of wanting to save the world, have all been ashed by the harsh reality that the thankless job of being an advocate doesn't bring recognition or the feeling of accomplishment that I desired. I was unhappy with myself, with what I was doing and yet I was still meeting with young women who wants answers. Writing letters to parents, going to talk to other DD self-advocates and even speaking to Melanie's class. Even today at work, I was explaining the wrongs of Aut$pks to a naive volunteer. I keep throwing my ass on the fire for some reason. Highly aware that I am being burnt.

Ladies and Gents, I like you to meet the Fool Card of the Autistic Major Arcana.

I still keep hoping that something will change. That Autistics Speaking day will actually improve relations with parents and teachers instead of becoming somesort of glorified meme. That Aut$pks will change hands with someone else that has been touched by neurodiversity and thus, will have better PR. I hope that one day ASAN will become a leading disability organization, that I will be staff one day with a paycheck. That parents will be reconmended to seek out ASAN chapters to involve their teenangers with.

It's a pipedream I am sure. I am so cynical and dry that I know I am fighting a loosing battle. Yet despite being so fucking jaded I manage to saunter merrily down the path and into a gaping chasm. Maybe the caveat isn't really the cliff in front of me, but the fact I was so blind to it and I keep climbing up and falling back into it.

Let me make this clear.
Don't self-advocate thinking that you will change the world. Self-advocate because you rather fall into the schism yourself than having someone chuck you into it.

Dear Friends

Hey friends,

I know my identity as a transman is new and scary for some of you. And you are at lost at what to do. My response is simple. I am still Bard. I am still, funny, quirky, smart and still me. My gender has changed but myself as a whole has not. You don't need you to treat me "like a guy" I just wanted to be treated like me.

With respect
Bard.

This is a letter to all of the folks that decided to shove me into a box and treat me with nonchalant indifference when I am hurt from mistreatment. It's funny how being trans and autistic kinda intersect in that regard

Also Jesus!goat died for your sins

The Deluge

At the AutSpks protest I thought I would be strong enough to stand against the feelings of fear and hurt. Instead during wave of insults being flooded I crumbled during the deluge. There were many many moments I had to find shade and cover myself with coats to destress and cool down.

By the end of the protest I was so emotionally drained I just wanted to go home. I hard to stand strong and courageous when others think you are not good enough to.

They have no idea that I was struggling to remain verbal and clear that I was losing cognative response that I was falling apart in the most terrible way possible. They call me named and shouted at me and I could just stand their holding up signs and standing tall

While deep down I was really drowning.

This protest made me for the first time wonder why I am doing this, if what I am doing is even right. And if I am going to be swept away by the deluge of hate, ignorance and justification of genocide. Sometimes I really hate being autistic, sometimes I wish I wasn't

yet despite the feelings of fear and wishful thinking.

I never want to see my students go through what I went through and to stand against the flood.

Art Spam and thoughts on Bullying

Drakkani: Male, Age: 20, Clan(Dia): Stormwake. 

Notes taken by Dr. Jakob Tate.

Drakkhani legs are perfectly designed to grip and hold onto rock ledges. They are also strong enough or mortally wound humans.

Dr Jakob Tate (Xenoanthropologist) 

Satyr doodles



I read Amanda's post response to a fellow autistic blogger's post about disappearing off the hub because of cyberbullying. Now I'll straight up say that I believe bullying is nothing to laugh at and neither is trolling. Yet as someone who has skin thick enough to rival an elephant I can't help but lift my eyebrow in scrutiny.

Bullying is serious, but from what I have seen on the Internet. Bullying is also someone what subjective. There is a joke among some LJ communities stating. "Trolling to some people, is just someone disagreeing with you." Which is really true in many communities. If someone passionately disagrees with you (as we've seen with the cure/no cure binary) one is labeled as a troll and thusly his opinion is dismissed. This honestly makes me really really skeptical when people crying 'TROLL' because after being around /b/ (Internet Hell) for sometime (read forever). I tend to have very picky POV on what constitutes as trolling. Unless someone spammed your blog with dead baby pics and goatsee and lemon-party images. Then it's probably not as bad as you dramatized. I have had /b/ troll me. I completely friend locked my LJ and later my Gmail was spammed bombed. Did I write a huge post stating all this?

Fuck no. I don't see a reason in giving the dickheads any satisfaction that they got to me. I left DeviantART(I've been there fore six years btw) because of trolling. I didn't write a huge flouncy post bawwwing about the trolls, I just left. Problem is from what I see, some people like the attention. They like being the victim. Now I am not saying that SBWG and Kowalski are attention-whores. I am sure that their situation is really different. I am just reporting what I have seen in the last 9 years I've been cyberdiving surfing on the Interwebs. People love being the victim. Moms with autsitic children are the perfect example. Aspergers do the same thing. I have seem people wave their arms about online proclaiming. "LOOK AT ME! I AM BEING HARASSED!!!" You might as well just put a target on your ass.

Trolling is serious but, jumping up and down claiming that some wanker is bugging you is just as bad IMO. I don't acknowledge serious trolls. I don't masturbate to the attention of being a victim. That is why I am self-advocate. I am sick of being the victim.

Particpation in Reindeer Games

I still need to work on my outline for Multiple Perspectives, the art of the being a procrastinator is in full swing, but as of late I have been thinking about something that hasn't been sitting well with me.

Why do I feel a divide in my own job?

Not like a huge divide but a weird feeling that I am not really staff, maybe it's because I am part time or maybe because I don't have a "teacher aura". Whatever the case is I can't help but feel sorta...awkward. I like talking and chatting with my co-workers but in some ways I feel that any friendships I make are kinda work only and will end there. Even worse, I feel so mascot-y around my co-workers. Like 'aww lookit you go! Yer so cute and inspirational!' I remember when I was new and interesting for the co-workers. I was the cute punky looking aspie girl...now I am just the aspie girl. I have gotten praise for my work like recently when a kid spilled milk in his bag, I offered to take it and wash it out for them. It was no big deal after all it's my job, apparently it enough to warrant a 'shout-out' on the message board in the teachers lounge. Which is where teachers post messages for fellow staff when they when up and beyond their duties..

How does being responsible equal being up and beyond and why does the well intention praise just feel so...fake to me?

Now the Gala is coming up. It's to raise money for the school. While most autists will pass on the opportunity, thinking that Saturday meltdowns are not a good idea. I want to go. Not because I want to socialize, but actually be considered equal to my peers for once. To be on their level...because some days I don't feel like I am.

On the other hand Voltaire is playing at Outlands that same night...Enoch is playing on taking me. One has better outcome at the end of the night.

AH fuckit!

I am just so pissy today. I just want to break something, scream, stim for hours. I don't feel like eating or drawing really, except for this mood-doodle of Tikaani. I don't know why, but god I just feel like shit.

Rawrrawr!

For those who want a life update, I am off of insurance (BOOO) and I am out of meds (DAMNIT) so I have been taking Tyleno PM to get to sleep. It's lovely side effects is me waking up with upset tummy and drinking pepto. I don't know if I am having withdrawl or I am on my invisible period or I am just being a moody aspie.

My dad is working with Aztec-Zenaca the makers of Seroquel, in an attempt to get me on their drug program so I can get my pills for free. If I pass then I can get the medication I need. I still need to call MR/DD and ask for an appeal since I was rejected and then I need to sit down with both my mom and dad and work out some goals for the next year or two.

*grumpgrumpgrump*

I wish I had mom to give me a hug right now. I really need one ):

Making Choices and the illusion of control

As people we like making decisions. We like making choices. It's the illusion of control. We don't have much control over lives so we like it when we have the barest grasps of it.

As an autist. I am somewhat immune from the his illusion because I never had the illusion as NTs do. NTs have control over conversations because they know how to have them. I don't I just follow the motions. They can pick their jobs and their cars. I can't, because being employed is miracle and I can't drive. Even the spouse I picked is out of my hands. Some of us are graceful without having control others like some of the students who have meltdowns because they don't get have the choices they made, are not at all.

Hence the two different camps. Some want cure because they crave the very illusion of control. Some don't because they know there is no such thing as control.

We have little control over our lives and the consequences of said choice. If you believe you're kid is "vaccine damaged" then find some serenity and deal with it. Because you can't fix it. Just as I can't fix the dire fact my husband is leaving with me and going to have to stay with my alcoholic father.

Selavi.

ಠ_ಠ

Just something that was bugging me lately. 

Dear Supervisor.

Telling your disabled co-worker that "if I was normal I would have been let-off a month ago" is very disrespectful and inappropriate. You don't tell your black co-workers "if you were white and making the same mistakes you are doing now we would have fired you" Why would you say that to me? 

I don't know if I am over reading it. But using my disability as the only reason for keeping me around is a bit insulting. It's like you are pitying me. What kind of message do you want to send to the kids? That you play your cards right, you might get stuck in a jantorial position kissing ass and being used as a mascot.

Look at the adorable retard awww.

I get that you want to see me succed and was it was great when you were working with me instead of for me. But why can't you treat me as an equal?" 

Too damn old for this

Bard. 

All talk no walk

God I am so angry.

Just a quick rant before going to bed, but even though I support neurodiversity and self-advocasy. What they hell is ASAN doing to help us autists that are actually starving or homeless or relying on the Government? As Ari gone without food, unsure about his future? I don't hate who I am. I hate the frustration. That neither side is helping autists out.

We're dying here and were too busy bickering. ASAN needs to stop dick-dodging and get to work. Pro-cure or whatever needs to get their heads out of the fucking sand and help us. Because this is what your kids will become.

I want to do more than just rant. I want to stop blogging and get money into a vocational center for autists, get us jobs and housing. Gets us health benefits. I want to be independent but I am on my own but it's like walking on broken legs.

Somedays I hate myself, somedays I celebrate.

Both groups are doing nothing but talk. They need to shut up and get to work. Both sides. Both sides need to shut the hell up. Because the next tragedy on the news could be your friend, your child. Are you going to let another autist die in a insinuation or on the streets? Go without food?

What are you doing to help us adults out ASAN? Autspks? NAS? Huh?

What are you doing to solve this problem?

I'm just gonna say it

I am not special. I am not a unique or precious. I am autistic, but having a fraking disorder doesn't make me 'special' or 'wonderful' I have days where I wish to be cured. I really do. I don't say that often because of individuals who are too busy worshiping themselves and saying stuff like that isn't kosher.

But seriously. I hate being autistic somedays. I wish I wasn't, and I am sick to death of people glorifying it.

I work hard for disability rights, so people like us can find the things we need to survive. Not for the little shits to sit upon and preen themselves and go on about how awesome we are.

Fuck you.

Token Anti-Vaxxer rant

It have been here for a month I haven't gave a huge rant on anti-vaxxers yet. Odd. Well I'll be correcting that tonight.

I could probably spew the same old diatribe that every parent of autistic child has vomited out in the course of the last three/four years, when it comes to Anti-vaxxers and their pro-disease bull.

But that would be uncreative and rather dull and as much as I would love to hump the bandwagon I decide to pretty much repeat the same tripe I said in other essays.

To the pro-diease parents. Stop. Stop calling us 'sheople' when ironicly herd-mentality and groupthink is the sole mechanics of your little cabal. Go join peace-corps and watch children in Africa die of polio and other infectious dieases go laugh in the faces of parents whose children died of H1N1 and simply say "nature is just weeding out the weak". I want to see how ballsy all you hens are, I want to see how brave you are in the face of real trama and real heart break. Yes having a sevearly autistic child does put a damper on your dinner parties and yuppie fraterizing. It's God's way of making you grow the hell up stop pretending you children are perfect little special snowflakes.

News flash.

We're not.

We're all bags of shit ready to be stuffed up with embalming fluid or end up as some headline on CNN. All our lives in the great grand scheme of things, are rather pathetic. We're all gonna end up dead eventually and some in terrible ways. I don't sitting on my blog gloryfiying myself, nor do I go around pitying myself either. Pro-diease parents stand on their pro-cure pedastles, while shoving their fingers up the ir twat and going about how much of "hero" they are. While turning their children in to personal lab-rats to treat their broke and spoiled self-esteem. You're not hero's or "warriors" your fucking white anglo-yuppies with god-complexes.

Fuck you.

Anti-vaxxers however are just a waste of my time. They are not worth preaching to honestly I don't know why I try. But the parents who are still on the fence and are trying pick a side. Don't. Don't bother stay neutral, but listen to your damn children and not your peers.

Shake, Stir and Oppress.

Before we go into the huge discussion today, I do want to brief on an another adventure of the “Teacup Werewolf” and the school she works at.

I am honestly not feeling. I feel dizzy and shivery, it had a headache early today and it was at the point that I pretty much collapsed on the ground. The mask fell off and I just curled up under a table and covered my head at every loud noise and tried to hide from the sunlight. I lost verbal speech and used a note pat to communicate. It was pretty agonizing, like usual the teachers were spot on and assisted me well. Erin encouraged me to head home, she called my sister Katie and told her what happened. Long story short I got on the bus and went home. I didn't leave “early” but I didn't finish work either. It was irritating but something I could manage. Then I decided over-read after being on this thread in LiveJournal.

Which brings into this topic.

I wonder how many abled people and Neuro-accepted people notice their privilege? Would my boss, E would be so kind to me if I was NT? Would she be understanding if was on the same social system as the other co-workers? Was she be being kind and understanding because of my autism? I had a lot of these questions as I sit with my laptop and drinking soy milk. Trying to deal with my headache and feelings of inadequacy. While I think she may have acted the same if I didn't have a disability, (I like to believe so) I feel that neuro-typicals have a lot of privilege that they tend to soak up a good deal.

What kinda of privilege you may ask well the biggest one I see is the fact that when an autists states: “Oh I am autistic” people respond, “Oh I have child/student/client/cousin...etc who has autism.” Why do they do this? Is this some stupid attempt in trying to find some empathy with us? Really? Stop it. It doesn't work it's frustrating because I don't care who you have a relationship with. It doesn't make you more knowledgeable or on the same level. Parents do it all the damn time.

They also play the game of “Oh I feel like that too” as well when I talk about having panic attacks or overloads. They act like everyone has episodes when cognitive thought goes out the window and you're struggling to communicate. They brush it and act like they know exactly what I am going through. No you don't. Yes many NT's have issues in similar strands, but when they act like it's “No big deal”
and try to play it off that everyone has “bad-days” I get irritated. You damn dare brush off the issues I face as autistic person buy down playing them and act like I am not really autistic and that my moments when speaking is almost impossible and I need to be forcibly calmed down during moments of cognitive unrest, is the same when you panic or have a bad day. No it isn't. I can't function or need help. You probably could. Now I am not talking to people that have panic attacks and moments of pyschosis, but the yuppie white middle class therapists who pull the everyone is disabled card. No not everyone is disabled and it just another symptom of abled privilege. You don't need to worry about finding a job that tolerate your meltdowns when everything overloads you at once, or if it's wheelchair accessible or has accessibility for the hearing impaired. You don't worry about aids and resources you need to keep independent. Or if insurance will accept you or how would cops react when your rock back and forth or sway your body.

NT people need to step back and admit their privilege and try to learn a bit more about autistic issues and disability issues. Stop trying to use a relation to empathize, you can't. Stop down playing or try to normalize us and try to make us fit in your box of what is abled and what isn't. Do try to ask questions, don't try to minimize our frustration when resent NT and NT culture.

I get frustrated a lot when I vent or try to say something and people over lap it with how they feel. They one how autists lack empathy but to be honest. NTs are more egocentric than we can ever be.

PEW PEW

Pro-cure autists.

As much as many want to believe a lot of autists don't feel the same way as neuro-ds do. Many of them fall in to the dissonance of loathing and deprivation. Though this is pitiable and sometimes rather pathetic. It's understandable that they like parents when they find out their children are autistic that they too go through a grieving process.

The "autie" version of Curbie Bingo shows many examples of autists discriminating against other autists and autistic self-hate. Though I reciprocate much of their hurt and confusion a world that is so discriminating. But separating yourself from your diagnosis and hunting for the "unicorn" that is the cure, is really disappointing. Why? Because your setting yourself up for a "cure" is really succumbing to the lies of the neurotypical society and letting yourself be cowed by outside pressures. While I may be pro-choice when it comes to cure and I will not stop anyone from looking for a cure. I will however, pity those that do and hope that they will find happiness even it means for something that doesn't exist and placebo effects.

Acceptance does not mean no treatment. It means having courage to change what you can and they serenity and grace to accept the things you can't change. To pull something from Disney's Gargoyles; Hudson, an elder gargoyle said to the younger trio, that A gargoyle cannot stop protecting the castle as it cannot stop breathing the air (I think), in that same tangent an autist cannot stop being autistic in the manner we cannot stop breathing the air.

I am whole

The screaming from Ollie's locked bedroom could be heard all over the home he is residing at. The 18 year old autistic telekinetic boy's tantrum was over on one thing. Someone took his game boy away. It was the only thing that brought him comfort and it was taken from him. Mr. Whicker noticed that the lock was starting to break. It won't belong out of confusion and frustration, Ollie would psychically break the door down.


Hanai spent two an half hours with Tikaani as he spent that time vomiting and crying, his fever will not break and the healers could break it. Maka had his fourteen year old nephew in his arms as the flu ravaged him. Occasionally out of anger and sickness Tikaani will scream and break something or try to run outside into the snow to cool off. Hanai sat beside him brushing the hair out of his eyes as he made to drink boiled water. Maka looked at his wife with a fear. Will this be the end of their foster son?

Opening paragraphs are from Ollie, a character set in alternate earth, he and two others are gifted with superpowers and call themselves the league of misfits. The other is of Tikaani.

Why would I write something so depressing? Especially since I am so hopeful and confident. This is less "emo" and more reflection.

Out of many neurodiversity blogs out there. They all seem to have this whirlwind optimism. Many are established adults with jobs, or stable income or college kids with a secure environment. Some are self-dx with no legal repercussions of their pasted on diagnosis. Others are formal and have files in their hospitals.

What I am addressing is despite being whole we are not always in constant state of happy gung-ho pride. I will say since no one else will, at least on my end of the camp. Autism does suck. I am not saying that out of depression. I am stating a real truth. Autism does suck, not all the time but it's not something to constantly glorified and "inb4thebutthurt" of people in the "BUT I DON'T GLORIFIY IT!!!!one11!" But I have yet to see people admit that being developmentally disabled does blow a little.

People however love to blame others, mostly neurotypicals saying that it's society's fault that we have it so rough. Yes the social structure is one problem. But if you put a bunch of auties from around the spectrum together on a deserted island, there are going to be just as many problems with that than solutions. The world doesn't suddenly make sense if we're all in one room. We have no standard mode of operating and because of our various social skill level were going to be missing important cues and most likely argue and fight out of frustration, this will go along a for a long while until we figure out how to a set an strong routine. However if we all end up stuck on AutIsland, and we do figure out a structure. You bet your momma's spaghetti that goverment will hold together. Most of us are stickers for the rules.

Which proves that everything has a dark and light side. While I may say Autism sucks (occasionally) and that not everything can be blamed on other people. I do see good from my disability. However I feel I do not have an autie talent, if anything I am rather plain. My art skills are mediocre and my writing is on that same level. I have a lot of flaws but nothing to really balance it. So it seems.

While there are bad days as the first to show, there are good days. Find them and celebrating them is important just recognizing the "autism sucks" days.