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Sunday, October 10, 2010

The Deluge

At the AutSpks protest I thought I would be strong enough to stand against the feelings of fear and hurt. Instead during wave of insults being flooded I crumbled during the deluge. There were many many moments I had to find shade and cover myself with coats to destress and cool down.

By the end of the protest I was so emotionally drained I just wanted to go home. I hard to stand strong and courageous when others think you are not good enough to.

They have no idea that I was struggling to remain verbal and clear that I was losing cognative response that I was falling apart in the most terrible way possible. They call me named and shouted at me and I could just stand their holding up signs and standing tall

While deep down I was really drowning.

This protest made me for the first time wonder why I am doing this, if what I am doing is even right. And if I am going to be swept away by the deluge of hate, ignorance and justification of genocide. Sometimes I really hate being autistic, sometimes I wish I wasn't

yet despite the feelings of fear and wishful thinking.

I never want to see my students go through what I went through and to stand against the flood.


  1. I think anyone involved in a rights movement is going to feel like it's not worth it from time to time. It actually means that it's very worth it, because it is so hard. If we didn't feel so alone, it would mean our job was almost done.


  2. I applaud you for doing it despite how difficult it was. I too have found myself wishing that I was neurotypical. However, if an autism cure were possible, I would adamantly refuse to take it, because I would not want to give an unjust society that satisfaction.

  3. We can't be strong all the time, particularly when we're facing a wall of insults!

    (I know I would find that very very difficult).

    Thank you for continuing to think of your students.

  4. I haven't been here in a while..I've missed it..life has a way of just going so fast sometimes and before you know it-so much time has passed..
    That sounds like a horrific time for you-I am sorry ((())) How hard it was-and yet how brave you were/are. Thank you for standing up and fighting..for kids like mine- who will one day appreciate it :)

  5. Thank you so much for these words of encouragement and strength.