The mascot of Prism*Song

Thursday, December 31, 2009

More thoughts on fiction and autism

I have received the forth volume of With the Light. I am waiting for the third to arrived. So I decided to discuss more on it and probably do another review on With the Light once I finish reading Vol-3&4.

Now for those who don't know, With the Light is a manga or Japanese comic about a woman that her son Hikaru is autistic. Unlike the universe that Tikaani is featured in. Hikaru is actually diagnosed and the manga acts like educational tool than a perky fun read. It's still fun to read and I totally recommend it to parents and siblings with autists.  There is even a 'trope' page for it too. 

The thing I liked the most about With the Light was the fact Keiki Tobe the author doesn't turn the man character Sachiko into "Please please pity me!" mom like the woman humping the Anti-Vax train. Her spirit reminds me of the moms here actually. If she was a real person I can see her commenting on Kim's Blog about her boy Hikaru and how she just wants him to be a "cheerful working adult." Which is the baseline of this manga. It's about Sachiko raising her son to be an independent and happy adult. Yes folks, happy. As he is. 

The second thing I like about With the Light is the posAUTive message through out the series. It works to educate people on autism not demonetize it. Which is such a breathe of fresh from the real life "warrior mom' shit. With the Light doesn't quite follow the suite of say Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time or Speed the Dark in which the main characters are the autists themselves and they either poorly executed like the former or wonderful but then turn disappointing the latter. Whilst With the Light, the main character is 'NT' so the author avoids writing from an autistic point of view and consequentially dodges "ministerial-ing" the autistic character. 

Hikaru is also characterize well, he is done in a manner that is realistic and not too stereotypical. However you still have stereotypes like Hikaru being fixated on trains (oh of course Keiko) but he's done in a manner that isn't over bearing and screams puppet. Keiko even says that Hikaru is modeled after real life autisic boys, 'Dada-kun and R-kun' (kun is an honorific) so that probably explains why I connected to Hikaru. Tikaani and Wilson are also modeled after real world boys and real world experiences. Tikaani main influence was from a boy named "Dave" who had very limited words and a few undiagnosed autists in my Hospitality class. Wilson was modeled from a boy I dated shortly. So with that being said it was obvious that I connected to Hikaru quickly. 

Now the things I disliked are few but still worth mentioning. The first is the altruism of Sachiko, she works with Hikaru and tried to fit things in his perspective, however she has this idea that if Hikaru is functioning enough to be independent that everything will be ok and Hikaru will have his place in the word. Sweet notion. But it just shows Keiko's ignorance. In reality nothing is that easy when your child is high-functioning and an adult. There are MORE challenges as an adult than their is as a kid. For Hikaru he won't have the supports and systems in place as he did as a child. Those will be gone once he hits the age of adulthood in Japan. I don't know what government checks are in Japan to help disabled Japanese, but for Hikaru, his place is going to be constantly questioned. Will Sachiko ever think about respite care or whatever Japanese have for that? Will she worry about Hikaru being aggressive once he hits puberty? Will she every see the look of confusion and anger in Hikaru's face as might loose his job to a neurotypical adult? These are questions come up a lot in families with mid-high functioning autistic adults. Parents worried that they might not be able to get the services that their children need. They worry that they might be taken advantage of. Will Hikaru face persecution as an adult? This is something that is never mentioned. It just assumed by Sachiko and her husband that once Hikaru is independent that things will have happy ending. This autistic adult who suffers the same challenges that Hikaru did as a child, says YEAH RIGHT D:<. Dream on Sachiko. 

Another thing that bugged me is that everything is in the POV of Sachiko I want to see a few pages or a chapter that is through Hikaru's POV. Now as I explained previously about Keiko avoiding 'ministerial-ing' Hikaru. I can see why she didn't. Still as an autist I want to see through his eyes. I want to to say "Yeah bro, I've been there man." 

Another thing which might be silly, is the fact that everyone is so NICE to Hikaru. He seems to make friends easy and he somewhat unaware of it. While he has a few problems with a few children. He doesn't suffer from the heavy bullying and harassment that every autist probably went through. Everyone is so nice and patient with him. The again Hikaru is a nice and polite autist so it's quiet easy how people flock to him. He doesn't have meltdowns in class which might constitute desk tipping, spitting, screaming, biting. And if he does have meltdowns his teachers are all well trained and handle his meltdowns with brevity and he doesn't actually cause a huge disturbance because, oh he doesn't understand what's going on we'll forgive and everything will ok. After all he has nice neat tantrums nothing like punching out teachers or peer on peer aggression. Wow special-ed class rooms in Japan must be so nice Keiko. I mean I've seen high-functioning autistic children run like antelopes and fly out the building in the middle of class and autists throwing huge screaming fits that reverberated around the school. And man, I work at a school that specialize with autistic children. While I totally appreciate the tolerance and forgiveness of Aoki-Sensei(Hikaru's teacher), especially when a parent tells Aoki sensei that her daughter bites. Aoki brushes it off with "Oh I know sometimes she does that when she is trying to communicate". Really? If I bite anyone at her age I got slapped. How lucky of a girl to have a teacher that is so forgiving. I mean even some of the most patient teachers won't be so easy around injurious behavior. However being this a manga I'll let go of people always being so nice to Hikaru and Hikaru having nice and neat meltdowns. 

Another thing is and this might purely be an artist deal is that we don't see Miyu or Hikaru the two autists in the manga stim. Now I have drawn Tikaani wiggling his wrist or waving his arms around. But it seems that Hikaru will repeat back words, toe walk but not stim-stim. Well that just might be how he is characterized. Not all autists have obvious stimming behaviors. I mean we see Hikaru flap his hands but Sachiko corrects (much to my irritation) him. However he doesn't chew, twist his head or have destructive stims. That something I added with my own autist. Tikaani will chew his hands, clothes and anything he can get his hands on. As well as tear up paper and cloth into tiny pieces. It seems like his tantrums, Hikaru has nice/neat behaviors. As far as I can tell from the first two.

As I wait for book three to come in and I'll probably get book five soon. I have to say that it's very well developed manga and most of my critique is all rather nit-picky. I totally think ND activists should read it and pro-cure people too. 

Bard out. 

Friday, December 25, 2009

A Heartbeat Lost Part 3 (final installment)

A Heartbeat Lost Part 3 

Shona and his brothers were already stationed outside of the East Gate that lead to the eastern expanse of glaciers and tundra. Amana and I were both on buffaloyak and carrying lanterns. Chulyin, Shona's elder brother had pair of polar bear dogs on leads sniffing the snow for any scent of my nephew. I had a grim feeling, this wasn't a simple search but a man-hunt. The group was split into teams of four. I, Amana and two of Shona's brothers, were heading northwest around the edge of the fortress to see if Tikaani was hiding around the border. The other four were going east to see if Tikaani got stuck in ice crack some place around the easterly glaciers. I gulped down a lot of air and followed Amana, while I prayed to some ancestor to please watch over Tikaani. 

The sun was starting to rise slowly, her pale face peaking along the edge of the horizon as we road away from it. Chulyin who was with our group shouted his name across the empty tundra. We had one of the dogs who was leading us more and more north. Itiaq was another of Shona numerous brothers who had a grim kind of expression on his face. He was often the prankster of the six but he was more serious today as the dawn revealed our search party. He was riding beside me and shook his head. "Maka. I know you're a very earth-bound kinda guy,  you're very real and straight forward. So. You'll understand that I don't have much hope that your nephew will be alive when we find him." I opened my mouth to say something but I quickly closed it as Amana shouted his name again swinging the light around. The dog kept rooting the snow hunting for any scent. I wanted to say No, Tikaani will be alive. He's a smart kid he will keep close to the fortress I know he will but that would be another pretty little lie.

Itaiq was right. Tikaani was more than likely dead. I didn't want to think about it  but it was true. He could be eaten or mauled by tigerwolf packs. Suffocated in a ice-hole.  Busted his head open on something or worse. It would be too altruistic of me to assume Tikaani would be alive and safe, and with that dark thought led unto another one. One of which we find Tikaani mangled and destroyed body out in the middle of tundra half-eaten. I couldn't stop that though I let it blossom inside my head. Nor did I stop the reaction of said thought. I stopped my buffaloyak and vomited off the side.

Pops, a lot of things go through  your head when  you find out your kid may be dead. I don't know what ran through my mind first, but I do know that little seed of fear and guilt grew into a massive forest of regret. I should have been more kind to when he first adopted him. I should have listen to Hanai more. I should have been more fair with him, I should have been a better teacher. 'Shouldhaves', were I heard, echoing inside. Nothing but 'what-ifs' and 'Should-haves.' I stopped calling Tikaani's name and started to prepare myself for the worst. It wasn't fair at all. Tikaani was young, and had...so much potential. Yes pops, Tikaani had potential. He had more problems than marrying a Fire Nation soldier, but he was smart, and sweet and curious. He had to touch everything. That's how he spoke.  I remembered wryly that if he wanted to wrestle he would smack my back and pull on my arm. I had a feeling I would never feel those tiny brown hands ever again.

I was ready to turn around and give up as the sun was rising high only to set quickly. Tikaani was dead. Was thing in my head at that moment. Amana promised me he would be alive but it was just...impossible it's been almost 24 hours. There was just no way. I was drowning in my own fear, guilt and self pity that I didn't hear Shona's shouts at first. It was when Amana water-whipped my shoulder than I lifted my head.
"Maka! You won't believe this! Shona found him! He's alive!!" 

He's...alive? My heart stopped again. I turned my mount around and slapped her flanks hard. I didn't waste another second. Tikaani...out of all things was live. It was a freaking miracle. That stubborn, whip-smart sonofabitch was alive. I couldn't be anymore joyous or relieved. Tikaani was alive. 

I followed Shona to where Akta and Arlukk and Kesuk were. They were by an ice cave. I stopped my mount and got off. Shona joined me and showed me to where Tikaani was hiding. "He got stuck in this cave. He must of gotten lost and wandered over here. I don't know how he got in but he can't get out. He's alive Maka but he's pretty damn cold and probably starved. He keeps backing himself deeper into that little hole he is in when we get close." Yeah that's Tikaani. Doesn't understand when people try to help him. I walked up to the ice cave which was really a hole in a glacier and knelt in front of him.

He was wide eye and shivering. He was in that damn hole for nearly 24 hours. He was probably freezing and weak, but when he saw me he reached out his hand and gave out a tiny little whimper. I got down and tried to reasure him. I stuck my hand in and let him grab and pull on it. Just to show him that I was real and that everything was going to work out. I hope. 

Arlukk and Kesuk were also benders. They told me to get back so they can try to bend him out but Tikaani just pressed himself back into the hole. I stopped them for a moment. "Don't just up and bent him out without him knowing. He won't understand. Tell him what you're doing reassure him or he will just try to hide again." Arlukk and Kesuk looked at each other for a moment before Kesuk said calmly. 
"Tikaani. It's ok. We're here to get you out of the whole. Stay. Still. Ok? We're going to bend you you. Ok?" I looked at Tikaani and gave him the hand gesture for 'wait' in hopes he would stay still. He did and Arlukk and Kesuk open the hole wide and I reached in to pull him out. Around that time pops, Amana and the other came back, Shona told him to go back to the fortress and to tell Hanai that we found him. Amana face split into a grin as I was holding him, Tikaani's big blue eyes looked up at Amana for a second before they were hidden away in my parka. 

As soon as they left and I looked down at Tikaani and I just broke down, pops. I was exhausted and still nauseated from worry. I wasted all my energy thinking that would find a corpse not a child, that I didn't have the strength to be manly and strong. So I cried. I cried in relief that he was alive and at the fear of almost loosing something so precious. I didn't know how much I loved that kid until that morning after Solstice. I was sobbing as I held him. Tikaani didn't seem to be too fearful, just curious as he was shivering and looking around when we carried him back to the fortress. I couldn't help but wonder what was he thinking? Was he scared? How did he even survive? I didn't know but I looked up at the sky again and I thanked the spirits. The goddesses and gods of my people were watching him. 

Hanai shrieked as I carried him back inside the house. Rahmet out from the sleeping quarters his mouth running how he was the man of the house and how he kept everything together. I gave Tikaani to Hanai who had some healers with her. Now Tikaani need medicine, food and rest and probably in that order and I need to rest too, but as I headed to my own room Tikaani reached out from Hanai's arms. He made a little noise and wiggled weakly. Hanai jostled him a bit and headed for the opposite room, but he still reached out for me. Normally, Tikaani always wanted Hanai when he was sick or hurt, but. Today he wanted me too. I was included for once pops. You have no idea how rare that is. So I followed Hanai with the healers and was with him as the treated him. I even held his hand.

Three days I was at his side. I never left him. He was healthy and recovered from his ordeal in no time and was up to his old mischief again. But ever since that day pops. I realized something. I realize why it's scary when you loose a child. But even more scary when that child isn't like the others. Tikaani couldn't talk or understood consequences. He was in more danger because of his condition than the circumstance, I finally saw that. I now saw how much Tikaani enriched my life, he was truly important to me. Did Tikaani's disappearance changed me? Well I still shout at him when throws his fits, scream at him when he tries to climb onto the roof. Things haven't changed too much, but I have taken the time to realized how much of impact he made in my life. He had value and I didn't recognize it until he was gone. You don't know what until it's gone is very true when you have 'special needs' children and for some parents like Tigtuk. They never realize what they are missing. 

I won't forget pops.  

With Respect
Maka and Tikaani too. 

A Heatbeart Lost p2

Part 2 of A Heartbeat Lost. 

Tikaani was missing pops, and I swear I heard the gods laughing at me. I felt a weird sort of sickness, as panic was starting to sprout like tundra grass. Amana was at my side shouting for Tikaani he gave me a worried looked.

"Mak, do you know where he might be?" I tried to think rationally. Where does Tikaani go when he  is overwhelmed? I was thinking up a blizzard when Amana shouted. "I'll check the wharfs and bath-houses he's probably hiding in one." I nodded as Amana galloped off. I had to find Hanai and the children.

Hanai was out with Rahmet and Elang looking for birthday gifts. I found them near the toy stalls as Rahmet was looking for a new waterskin, being a waterbender and all. Hanai saw the fearful look on my face, her happy yet exasperated face melted into confusion.

"Maka what's wr-" She didn't finish her sentence when she figured it out. "Oh my gods! Tikaani is missing!" I nodded gravely as Rahmet turned his head and frowned. "Again! Momma we should just put a leash on him or something he's too stupid to stay put." Elang whapped him upside the head and grabbed his lantern. "He's probably hiding in a bath-house some place, or a sauna. He hates the noise he's probably in place away from the crowds. I'll help you look." Hanai grabbed Rahmet and started back to the house, I did her him shout with annoyance. "No fair! That brat ruins everything!" 

Elang check the West Canal bath-house, it was empty. Then we checked Central Terrace one. He wasn't their either, We could hear the shouts and ringing of bells from the square. Elang looked at me pleadingly. He wanted to go to the ritual and be with his sweetheart. Sighing I let him run off with him shouting. "It's ok dad, he's probably back in the square!" I rolled my eyes, Tikaani wouldn't go back to the noise that he running from. 

I climbed the paths around the many terraces and bridges I looked for any discarded clothing, foot prints anything. But I saw no sign of my nephew. It was getting later, it's been over three hours and the sky was still empty and dark. I couldn't feel my heart as I stumbled around holding the oil lamp high. I called for him again my voice was so sore and didn't know if I would find him alive...or dead. At that though I stopped walking. He couldn't be dead. Not my little boy. Like I said earlier pops. The kid is sharp, but people are cruel. I looked up to the empty sky above me and I prayed to the Moon Spirit, that her gentle light would protect him and that...that he would still be alive. Cold, scared and probably hungry. But alive. 

I reached the house after looking for him for another two hours. Amana was there in amour and holding his waterskin. Hanai looked ill and Rahmet...well...he was sulking in the corner. I felt terrible for Rahmet, his birthday was ruined, and he was right it wasn't fair. I knelt beside him ruffled his curly hair. "I promise after we find Tikaani we can do something very special for your birthday ok?" He didn't look at me he just pouted and then sniffed. "Poppa? Tik..Tikaani is gonna be ok right? I heard Elang say it's been too long. Tikaani might...might be?" I sighed and wrapped my big heavy arms around him. We were both scared and unsure.  Oh I wish I could tell him a sweet lie. That Tikaani is fine and that his guilt for being so selfish would resolved. I wish I could dad, I really wished I could tell my son that lie.

Amana and turned to me tapped me on the should he had another lantern told me to get my waterskin. "Shona saw him run off near the tundra we need to leave now, it's almost dawn." I gritted my teeth and grabbed my skin and dagger. "Damnit! I swear if any tigerwolves go near him I will skin them alive!" Amana chuckled and headed out. 

"C'mon Shona and his brother are looking for him, he's alive Maka I know it!" 

Part 3 coming soon 

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Happy Holidays!

I want to give a special thank you this holiday season to the many friends out in blog land. I hope you Kim, Kathleen, Ange, Thema/Louise, Corina, and Stephanie all have a wonderful holiday. May the light of the world encompass you all.

Now for a fiction piece. This is told in the perspective of Maka, Hanai's husband. He is Tikaani's strong willed and stern uncle. I am sure parents of autistic children will understand this story very very well. I also have a question this is important. Do you think I am portraying Tikaani correctly? Do you think I am not portraying an autistic character correctly? I would like to know. Anyway here is the special fiction piece for the holidays

A Heartbeat Lost

(an Avatar the Last Airbender fanfic with Tikaani) 

Dear Father,

It's been years since I have written to you. I guess the last time we've talked is when Hanai was still pregnant with Rahmet. I don't know why I stopped writing, maybe since momma died I just didn't have the heart. Now that Rahmet is ten and I am raising another child, my nephew; I decided to actually spent the time to write you about him and the crazy event that happen during Solstice. 

My nephew is an odd one. Some say that the gods took his soul away. My wife just claims he was born different. I am more likely to believe the latter, though this kid is really an odd one. He's four years old and not toilet trained, though we're not to worried though since Rahmet wasn't trained until he was what? Almost five? However Tikaani, doesn't talk. He screams and bites and does occasionally act like a man possessed. I thought Tikaani was just empty-headed, but I was wrong. Kid is smart as an water-whip but stubborn like a buffaloyak. He loves puzzles, kid is four and can already solve some Rahmet's games. However he can't dress or feed himself, he freaks out when we're off schedule, he pulls his hair and bites his hands. Kid acts insane but he smarter than most people realize which is creepier than him being just plain dumb. 

Anyway, Hanai had been preparing Tikaani for the Winter Solstice which was also Rahmet's tenth birthday. We planned to partake of the ritual outside of the palace walls and then have small dinner with some gifts. Every Solstice, Tikaani has been at home with my brother in law Amana; but this year. We're going to take him with us. Hanai says we should expose him more to the sounds of a festival if he going go to more of them. However, Tikaani doesn't like crowds very much. He freaks out over loud noises and people and smells. He will either thrash about or cry. Hanai thinks he has hard time understanding the noise. Rahmet hated crowds too, but he grew out of it. Tikaani will too hopefully. Hanai figured preparing him by explaining the noise and taking him for walks around the square, will make him less ornery around the festival. 

The day of the festival arrived and Rahmet was announcing to everyone at five minute intervals that it was his birthday, much to our amusement and annoyance. We tried to keep to the routine that we do every morning since Tikaani was two, but I knew something was going to go wrong, you know that feeling don't you dad? That cold chill feeling. I got it that morning while eating breakfast. Hanai had Tikaani fed, changed and dressed. It was perpetually dark of course, but we were use to it. I got Tikaani bundled up and headed out for the ritual that coming afternoon. 

Hanai was with Rahmet and the other children and Amana and I had Tikaani, he was ok at first but as the crowds thicken near the canals to the center of the fortress. Tikaani started to sob. I tried to calm him, "Shhh shhh, Tik it's ok. It's just people. Remember. Big Party. Maka and Amana are here ok?" Tikaani didn't seem to hear my words though. He calmed down when we showed him the stalls of carved ivory and bone ornaments. We even let him pick one for himself. I turned my head for a second to barter for the price, Amana was looking a bone dagger, when someone let off some fire works. BLAM BLAM! The noise shocked us for a split moment. I nearly dropped my money, but everything was in order until Amana shouted. "MAKA! Tikaani's missing!" I spun around to find that Tikaani was indeed not at my side. I shouted for him. Until my voice was raw. I ran down the walk aways and canals, but I didn't see him. 

I swear dad, my heart just stopped. 

(See the continuing tomorrow)

Friday, December 18, 2009

Mathmatical thinking.

We're creatures of structure us autists. We like routine and we try to keep to our routine. Every morning at Nine o clock I get up and get on the computer. I check Dominic-Deegan first then e-mail and then Livejournal in that order. Then I get dressed, eat something or drink a cup of coffee brush hair and teeth, pack up and prepare to leave promptly at 10:15 or 10:17. I catch the ten-thirty bus. If the bus is late I get angry and I pace.

Even someone that can go with the flow has a set pattern. Even on the bus I sit on the same seat every day unless someone else is in it then I sit close by. Being anal about punctuality has a bonus though, I am almost never late to work. and I call in sick when I am under the weather.

Why are us autist so ridged when NTs are so pelt-melt? I can't tell you why I have to do the things I do. I'm not inflexible, I do other things within my morning routine like get a cup of coffee on the way to work, or cast runes or do tarot before I leave. In the afternoon I am back on the computer and I don't get off until I go get something to eat. Occasionally I go out with a friend on the weekends. But generally I keep to a pattern.

It's believe that we do this because we can't be abstract and have very black and white perspective. I don't think this is all the way true. We can be abstract but we're not black and white. I believe we're mathmatical thinkers. We follow a basic logic. A+B=C NT's don't. They are more, "A+B=whatever" They think logicily yes, but not mathematically. A mathematical thinker doesn't just put whatever answer the feels fits and then changes it when ever he likes. A+B=C that's it. For some autists, formals don't just change and when they do it doesn't make sense and we get confuse and panic. Because if "A+B=C.2 then what about the other formals and equations we follow? Does F-D+U=A now? We get angry when we're thrown off routine not because we're stubborn and we have to do things just so, but because now I don't know what to do or what the right response is and we end up panicking.

Whilst I am very flexible and I do enjoy spontaneity when I am not working and I love adventuring and exploring the new and the unknown (right brained here) Work is different. I have to follow a set of rules and routines. Getting me off these rules is not a good idea. Here is an example of this.

On Wendsday, the parents threw a big lunch for the teachers in an act of thanks. I had no idea about this. So when I walked into the Teacher's Lounge to clean the microwaves imagine my shock at all the food and teachers. Of course they welcomed me and said "Have some lunch Noranne" I was so confused and awkward (I mentioned that I was awkward and they all laughed), A+B now equals D. The math suddenly changed and I was scrambling to figure out why. I ate lunch an I appear to be totally fine but inside I was scared of getting yelled at by my supervisor. After lunch we talked before I left to go clean. She said ordinarily I wouldn't be allowed to eat in the lounge but today was ok. I nodded and was fine with it and I went back to work with some cookies and a clementine for later nomming. I was upset and confused but I went with it.

Changing routine is not something that parents do all the time unless they have to. Many know the consequences of breaking the equation to throwing a "whatever" into it. However many autists do learn to be "flexible" or rather in my case. Keep our frustrations and anger internal because gods forbid we ever get confuse when NT's do something that fucks up everything.

We also like routine I believe because we like to have a little control. One of the reasons I am so flexible at home than at work is because at home I can make my own decisions and not get punished. I don't have that power at work. So I want to know that after first period set up I start on heating second period's lunch. Because I have that power that knowledge. It's the only security I have and finally for some, it's the only comfort we have.

We like the comfort of A+B=C.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Siblings and Autism

I had a bunch of posts lined up but I can't seem to get all my thoughts organized. Hmmm. Lets see if I can remedy that. 

At first I hated Tikaani. I was only seven when first met him. He bit me and he drooled a lot. Momma had to nurse him all the time because he would spend hours crying. He was clingy and destructive. I hated him...but I was also jealous too. 

Rahmet opens this topic tonight. He was Tikaani's cousin and Hanai's youngest son. He was also a waterbender which if you are not familar with the Avatar the Last Airbender universe, is talent in which members of the Water Tribe are able to manipulate the element of water by doing martial art stances. Tai Chi was uses as a base for Waterbending. Anyway I am getting off topic. 

He was the only member of his family beside his father Maka and his uncle Amana that can bend. So he was pretty special in his family and he did get a lot of attention and praise from his parents and uncle, and all of that was torn away when Tikaani arrived. He was no longer the center of the house. So you can imagine how bitter Rahmet was when not only did someone took away your place in the sun, but this someone: 

-Breaks your toys, screams in the middle of the night, pees in the middle of the house, steals your prized possessions, bites you and makes outings and special events almost non-existent and on top of it, all your friends now desert you. 

It was no wonder Rahmet was pretty irritated with Tikaani and bullied him often. 

It was the same for me and Katie, only I was the eldest. However because of my constant habit of causing trouble and the fact I had hard time comprehending anything, I was the butt-monkey of the family and Katie's favorite chew toy. 

This doesn't apply to me or my fictional characters. Many kids with autistic siblings feel "outsourced." They often have "Normal Kid" syndrome. In which the NT or abled child feels shadowed by their special needs sibling/s and react with jealousy or contempt. This isn't uncommon, my sisters hated me. I was the family enabler and shit-stirrer I was the one that got sent to the principle's office regularly, I embarrassed them often.  

But what about Tikaani. How did he feel about his cousins? 

Rahmet was frustrating. He always wanted to see me cry. He yelled at me for no reasons or reasons I didn't understand. He always called me names. I hated it when he pulled my hair or ruffled it and it confused him when I reacted to it with pain. I didn't know how to relate to him. I was jealous he could bend make the water dance. He gloated all the time how 'easy' it was to bend. Maybe he would like me better if I could bend. I wanted him to like me. 

Autists often feel aloof around their NT siblings. We can't relate to them and we have hard time figuring out what they want from us. My sister confessed to me one day on the way to thanksgiving that the reason she was so sarcastic and mean to me was she wanted a reaction out me since I could never react typically. I just wanted to know if she loved me. When we got older we grew up a little bit but in the end we still fight and butt heads. Yet I matured greatly and Katie gained some understanding.s

I understand why NT siblings often feel angry and sometimes can be the biggest pro-cure nut balls out there. I think deep down they are still resentful of their siblings. I think subconsciously if they were 'cured' they would be easier to understand than easy to dislike. In the same concept I can understand why autists feel so frustrated and apathetic to their NT sibs. They seem to  no understand the principle of being disabled. Or the frustration of being "Llama" among other sheep. They can't empathize with use and we in return can seem get them to understand.

It's vicious cycle of bitterness and disconnect and it affects siblings of all ages. While the media paints a sweet picture of siblings wanting to help their siblings and love them. They miss the fighting and arguing, tantrum and bulling that goes behind scenes. I wouldn't be surprised that some siblings when the find out that their autistic brother and sister goes missing, subconsciously wish that they never come back. It's common. Not pretty and sweet but it's honest. 

So what can we do to connect the NT and and the autistic siblings. The first thing is to admit that not everything is going to be perfect. The second is forgiveness. I forgave Katie, Katie forgave me. We're a lot better together now that we're not living under the same roof. Which will probably help thing with other siblings. Not competing for the same affection and affirmations makes life a lot less stressful. Eventually with time, we can learn from our past mistakes and walk forward. Heck I even forgave Katie for admitting if she had an autistic child she would put it up for adoption, brave of her to state, but not something you would mention to your autistic sister, really. That was classy Katie <.< 

So what about Tikaani and Rahmet? 

Now? I am Tikaani's greatest advocate. I grew up. I spent most of my time with Shaman Jaki when I was thirteen. I studied all the time and I found strength with my faith in the ocean spirit Tui. With that I was able to shed my disdain and finally see the beauty inside my cousin. I started to appreciate his laughter, the way he rocked and wiggled his hands. As I and he grew I wanted nothing more than to be his strength. I still get frustrated with him and I feel like some days I should just jump in a canal. Yet I despite those days I wake up and start the day knowing that Tui made him for a reason and perhaps it's to teach me imperfect beauty. 

Something to think about. 

Friday, December 11, 2009

How to write genuine autistic characters

Now to change gears and returning to a topic I mentioned here I want to talk about writing genuine autistic characters and do it in a manner that is respectful and about disability in fiction and role play.

First thing you need to be aware off is how educated you are. If you know little about autism then you should do your homework before you create an autistic character. It's probably good for you to volunteer and work or spend time with autists to gain some experience before you start constructing one.  If you are autistic yourself, try playing around with different levels within the spectrum or co-morbids. Like if you are Asperger, try playing an Aspie that has seizures, or a character that is PDD-NOS with a savant talent. Broaden your horizons.

Now as autistic fiction writer, we have obligation to provided a few tropes to RPers and readers that are non autistic. Yes these people expect stereotypes and key-words to identify the autistic person. Now as an autist myself I do get irritated when people see the autist and then pull the Goldilocks Rebuttal. Either he is "wrong" and I am playing the character "wrong" or he too "autistic" to be any use in the fic/game or not autistic enough and they can't tell. The latter shows up with my HFAs once in a while. Cori and Wilson are on the high end of the spectrum both are 'superheroes' (Wilson has clairaudiance and the ability to communicate to Angelics and Demonics, Cori can cause hyper-growth with plants and can control them, Ollie is the only non-verbal and is a powerful psychic) so the superpowers act as balancers in sense allowing them to participate in big events (villians and shit) but still be disabled and yes their autism does interfere with them saving the world. Tikaani is my only autist OC without a huge balancer.

Now what is a balancer? A balancer is positive trait that compliments the negative traits. In other words it balances them. If you have autistic character that lacks a balancer, sure you can write him but he would be hard for NTs to relate to or like and for some autists might be grating for a character to have too many faults and feel like he is something to pity. 

However there are some tropes to be aware of when doing a fictional autistic character. While balancers are great to even out the flaws and strengths of your character the "Rainman" trope is common tool for autistic characters even Tikaani borderlines this with his perfect rhythm and his ability to repeat conversations verbatim. Ollie has this by default as he is telekinetic but he is also non-verbal and no he doesn't communicate by telepathy (he uses an augmented communication device). Don't over use it to the point that the disability because irrelevant and useless and it's ghosting this trope. Tikaani also rides this trope a few times, while that trope can be a balancer it can be done poorly to the point the character becomes something of an insult. 

Occassionally you might have autistic character with the Handicapped Badass trope. Now this is very hard to execute in fiction. Because you don't want to over do it and thusly wind up with this, and like Crouching Moron; Hidden Badass, have a character that is joke. Chiko rides the former trope occasionally, he's an amputee so airbending with one arm is kinda badass.  Best way I know for executing this is to have the autist stand up for himself. Finally put his foot down. \

Now also you need to keep aware not to over do with the fact Character B is autistic you can mention it upon introduction but let actions speak. Also don't jam said autistic character with over done NT stereotypes on how autistics act. While you can have a few because to be very frank, NTs are clueless when it comes to autistic characters even with those with siblings on the spectrum. But don't over jam them to the point your hitting the Sympathetic Sue trope and or the character become again a joke. Not every autistic character has to hate being touched. Tikaani communicates mostly with touch only Cori and Ollie don't like being touched or hugged. Not every autist is good with math or science. Wilson is obsessed with mushrooms and botany, but he the only "science orientated" autist I have. Tikaani might be hyperlexic, and Ollie is also hyperlexic but Cori took forever to learn to read. You can make your character autistic but don't worry about making them too subtle. Just understand that every autist is unique. 

Finally don't shove your disability politics into your character so he won't be come a mouthpiece. Tikaani might be anti-cure if he was in our time period. He also very much a self-advocate, yet is also very very quite about his opinions and probably won't be an activist or might think neurodiverse activists as obnoxious zelots. Ollie was a bio-med child and is something close to pro-cure. Yet he is worried if being cured mean he will lose his powers. Wilson is very apathetic to cure and probably sees himself as cured. Cori is probably the only one that would actively embrace neurodiversity but would probably advocate cure for low-functioning autists. As you can see none of my character share the same politics I do. 

Finally, I am still working hard making a believable autistic character I will definitely accept critique as long as it's constructive. 

Bard out


Thursday, December 10, 2009


Just something that was bugging me lately. 

Dear Supervisor.

Telling your disabled co-worker that "if I was normal I would have been let-off a month ago" is very disrespectful and inappropriate. You don't tell your black co-workers "if you were white and making the same mistakes you are doing now we would have fired you" Why would you say that to me? 

I don't know if I am over reading it. But using my disability as the only reason for keeping me around is a bit insulting. It's like you are pitying me. What kind of message do you want to send to the kids? That you play your cards right, you might get stuck in a jantorial position kissing ass and being used as a mascot.

Look at the adorable retard awww.

I get that you want to see me succed and was it was great when you were working with me instead of for me. But why can't you treat me as an equal?" 

Too damn old for this


Wednesday, December 9, 2009

The kitsune illusion and thoughts on priviledge

Foxes were thought to live lives much like people, and in art they often interact with each other in a partially anthropomorphic form, standing on two legs and wearing clothes. But to enter the world of humans they had to look completely like them, as foxes caught trying to trick people with disguises would be severely punished, and often wound up in soup. A fox wishing to transform itself had many special techniques at its disposal, such as placing a human skull on top of its head and praying to the Big Dipper. A careless fox might still leave elements of its anatomy unchanged beneath its clothes, usually a tail but sometimes fur and paws as well, and sometimes it was thus discovered.

From Kitsune entry on Obakemono

Pretending to be normal is hard work. It's constant struggle to keep the illusion that you are human and not a 'fox'. My ears appear sometimes and my tail and I will always be a fox. But I have to disguise myself as a human to live happily. 

The illusion of normalcy is a guise that HFA wear often. We have too. It's not a choice that some may want, but it's a choice we preform on a regular basis in order to survive. For some it's tasking and over whelming. For others, it's gets wary after a long while many are tired of being "human". Misanthropy is a common side-effect. 

I used the allegory of the "kitsune" to demonstrate a point that being what you are not is not easy and not simple either. Normalcy is what many want to achieve, and those autists are blind-sided by the idea that 'normal makes everything better' or better than being autistic. Some that live highly complex and impaired lives and understandably, having that impairment lessen would be tremendous. I know this well as someone that deals with depression and mania as well as anxiety. Having those qualities  removed would be tremendous. However I feel that many are naive to assume that us "ninja autists" live easy and impairment-free lives. That is not the case. I am not living an easy life because I can handle sensory information better or being verbal. Even Ari probably has disability in his life too. But he works hard in keeping it in check all the time while public. He even states in articles that it's exhausting. Why do people have this delusion that Aspies don't struggle like LFAs do? Whilst we lack many difficulties, our problems are on the same page. We struggle to process information, we have cognitive functioning issues, we have sensory issues and we have a hard time communicating. Our problems are different but not any less valid. While I believe no one is disagreeing that. I feel that people don't understand how hard it is some times to be "human" when you're a "fox". 

Of course this is "old meme" and every parent has heard it before but I just thought I should give my two pennies about it.

Now on a different matter but on the same hand. What the hell is with all this privilege? I was reading this post on Kim's blog and it brought up a thought that I talk a lot about and even mentioned on my old "Fucking Ethics" essay. 

Why are NT's so gung ho in throw their privilege around? Why do parents always seem to assume what they want is what their child wants? As I stated in several blogs. I am pro-choice. I am neither anti or pro cure. Why? Because cure is such a loaded word and it has several meanings for some people. For some it means to speak for others it means not to be loaded with sensory information to the point of chronic overload. It's personal. Therefore it should be the choice of the autist. Problem is that we either have hierarchy or NT Privilege making statements and judgments that reek of ableism or disconnect. The thing that I see a lot of are parents (namely NT) that never confer or talk to their older autistic child about treatment or cure or the parents of younger ones who have this Holy Grail kind of goal and don't try to break it down. They need to realize eventually your son or daughter is going to have opinions of their own? What will you do when your child says: 'I don't want this program/diet/medicine anymore?' Or inverted. What will you do when your child asked to be cured? How will you go about that anti-cure parents? 

On the other side. Aspies need to STFU up when they say, "oh no cure for us HFA but them LFA need it." No. Not your choice either. I should be the person choice of individual not the heard. Especially when you do say that your basically taking a huge dump on the rights and awareness of of other 'Purple' autists and furthering the massive disconnect between they spectrum ends. Stop it. Also, while I shouldn't bitch at this. LFA's that want cure shouldn't be frowning at the LFA that use aug communication or have been institutionalized and don't want to be cured and are happy as is. Really when I say it's personal it's personal. In some context if an Aspie wants a cure then I hope he finds it. It's not going stop me from shaking my head in pity though. But I will wish him the best.

I think cure is too personal to be decided by a group or an observer. 

Also. I will get a picture of Tikaani up for everyone to say thanks for the donations <3

I am so damn floored right now

I am beyond impressed today. Just beyond impressed. 

You. You guys are amazing just simply amazing. Thank you so much the generosity I gained and all of you that posted my chip-in on your blogs. 

Thank you again. 

Right now I sent the money to the bank I will show up around Fri or Sat. Hopefully by then I can go out and get the seroquel and get back on the meds I need to keep stable. 

Thank you  for showing me that not everyone are selfish douchemonkeys thank you. 

I'll draw something later tonight in thanks. 

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Expenses and Pin-holing


I had the wrong address on my chip in thing. HUUUUUR it's correct now. 

As of late things have been really tough and I would like to talk about my job but I am having a communication block with it so I don't know if I would be literate enough and it didn't just come down to WHARGLGARBLE!

You probably also notice the little donation button on the top of my page. That is the Seroquel Fund. I am raising $90 dollars so I can have the money I need to buy my pills. These are not life or death, but the money generated get me my meds needed to dissolve the paranoia and anxiety I have. Pills are $30 for thirty pills, Thats a buck a pill. HELLLL NOOOOO. I will be looking into generics to replace the seroquel monkey on my back. But in the mean time

Help a sistah out.

It was simple work. Load boxes into carriage, take them out. Tikaani had no problem with doing the task. But was boring. He could have been learning how to follow people undetected or re-reading old texts on rituals in the South Pole for calling upon spirits. Instead the was stuck with getting boxes from the docks and carrying back. He might as well be an ostrich-horse.

This opening fiction starts off our topic on dumbing down and pin-holing disabled folks in menial jobs.

I've seen a lot of intelligent autistic men and women get stuck in these dead-end or very laborious jobs with no real reason besides. "Well this all I can do." It's something I experienced going through the job wheel and getting jammed into simple jobs that I had no interest in. Also, these were jobs that I wasn't good at either but I had no choice.

Many autists are getting very little training and BVR is a joke. What's worse is that our splinter skills are hard to place. It's a recipe for disaster. Poor social services and very complex and individual autists equals: Crap jobs that isn't enough to pay for services needed.

Not all of use end up as professors, nor IT. Kim's post explains it more.

It also goes into the whole stereotype that labor based jobs are the only jobs that DD folks can preform with limited cognitive skills, it also seems that to be the case for high fuctioning autists but not for the same reasons. 

It's a hot mess. 

Monday, December 7, 2009

All talk no walk

God I am so angry.

Just a quick rant before going to bed, but even though I support neurodiversity and self-advocasy. What they hell is ASAN doing to help us autists that are actually starving or homeless or relying on the Government? As Ari gone without food, unsure about his future? I don't hate who I am. I hate the frustration. That neither side is helping autists out.

We're dying here and were too busy bickering. ASAN needs to stop dick-dodging and get to work. Pro-cure or whatever needs to get their heads out of the fucking sand and help us. Because this is what your kids will become.

I want to do more than just rant. I want to stop blogging and get money into a vocational center for autists, get us jobs and housing. Gets us health benefits. I want to be independent but I am on my own but it's like walking on broken legs.

Somedays I hate myself, somedays I celebrate.

Both groups are doing nothing but talk. They need to shut up and get to work. Both sides. Both sides need to shut the hell up. Because the next tragedy on the news could be your friend, your child. Are you going to let another autist die in a insinuation or on the streets? Go without food?

What are you doing to help us adults out ASAN? Autspks? NAS? Huh?

What are you doing to solve this problem?

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

I'm just gonna say it

I am not special. I am not a unique or precious. I am autistic, but having a fraking disorder doesn't make me 'special' or 'wonderful' I have days where I wish to be cured. I really do. I don't say that often because of individuals who are too busy worshiping themselves and saying stuff like that isn't kosher.

But seriously. I hate being autistic somedays. I wish I wasn't, and I am sick to death of people glorifying it.

I work hard for disability rights, so people like us can find the things we need to survive. Not for the little shits to sit upon and preen themselves and go on about how awesome we are.

Fuck you.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

The evolution of an HFA child

I started thinking about this when I was doing dishes, it got my brain going on how autistic child will grow and change and how they will perecive things. This is mostly satrical, so don't take this as fact at all.

The Unaware Phase (age 2-5)

The child at age 2 just got the diagnosis of autism. He is unaware of diagnosis and how people look at him. He unjudging and honest. He doesn't hide between half-lies and polical naunces. He just is. At this point we can say he can speak some what and starts talking around age 4, his parents potty-trained him and he is fuctioning enough that he joins a preschool and goes into several directions

Direction A the neurotypical class
He goes to a school with teachers that have little training and knowledge of autistic children he is sent home many times for biting and screaming during story time. He has meltdowns when someone has a spesific toy he plays with routinely. Eventually the child is homeschooled, parents wonder if he will ever be mainstreamed.

Direction B the Special Ed preschool
The child goes into a exclusive class, the teachers treat him well but they don't expect much. The child doesn't have any neurotypical peers to learn from so behaviors regress, teachers try to enforce good behaviors but they are understaff and have other students to watch. The parents wonder if he will ever be mainstream, some days the doubt completely.

Direction C the middle road
The parents send him to a mix class with 1 autist to every 3 neurotypical student. The teachers are all one on one and the autist learns and keep skills needed to 'ninja' around neurotypicals.

The Geeky Kid Phase (6-12)

At this point the student is now in the school system. He is may or may not have special interest that he shares with his class. He is learning to read and write he may prefer the computer to communicate. His social skills are deloping he may or may not be aware that he is autistic. At this point he struggles with bullying and suffers from verbal abuse. Behaviors fluxate and are inconsitant. He has a lot of problems he may or may not know how to work out. This can manifest in some forms.

Counter-bullying, rage episodes, biting, physcial violence. Parents medicate to control the child, the child struggles to commuicate his feelings.

He suffers with depression and may regress, may have bed-wetting or night-terrors. Will say things like 'I don't want to go to school' or 'I hate school' might need behavioral therapy, may or may not turn into clinical depression.

The Rebel Teen Phase (13-18)
At this point kiddo is in puberty and every thing in his eyes basicly sucks, he might play victim or show apathy. He might struggle with feelings of a sexual nature but might not know how to handle them. He might be inappropriate to the point of creepy or he might be cicumstanically gay. His grades can be anything from perfect to failing. He is loosing interest with people and might struggle with finding happiness with them. Is happy engaging his special interests and slow is shutting himself off with peers after being bullies and outcasted for so long, three rodes hit.

He starts to hate himself and blames his disability for everything. He lacks the skills for responsibilty and searches for a Holy Grail called a 'cure' at adulthood he is the Curbie Autist.

The autist becomes a misanthope. He hates people and wishes everyone gets hit with a plauge and dies. He suffers from depression as well and was agressive child. He doesn't want to be fixed and uses his disorder as reasoning on why he is so superior. Eventually he becomes the Milatant Autist.

The boy may have a few close friends, he might delevope his empathy enough that he can appeart to have 'typical' expressive empathy. He is kind but downtroden, he sees a lot of abuse from his peers, he seeks companionship from other autists and eventually he wants to make things better for all. He grows up to be come the Activist Autist.

Now there is also the Neutral Autist who seperates himself from all politicls the so-called "Cured Autists" who think that they are just cured and the Seprate Autist who doesn't say he autistic but asperger and looks down on LFAs The are a thousand outcomes.

What is yours?

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Token Anti-Vaxxer rant

It have been here for a month I haven't gave a huge rant on anti-vaxxers yet. Odd. Well I'll be correcting that tonight.

I could probably spew the same old diatribe that every parent of autistic child has vomited out in the course of the last three/four years, when it comes to Anti-vaxxers and their pro-disease bull.

But that would be uncreative and rather dull and as much as I would love to hump the bandwagon I decide to pretty much repeat the same tripe I said in other essays.

To the pro-diease parents. Stop. Stop calling us 'sheople' when ironicly herd-mentality and groupthink is the sole mechanics of your little cabal. Go join peace-corps and watch children in Africa die of polio and other infectious dieases go laugh in the faces of parents whose children died of H1N1 and simply say "nature is just weeding out the weak". I want to see how ballsy all you hens are, I want to see how brave you are in the face of real trama and real heart break. Yes having a sevearly autistic child does put a damper on your dinner parties and yuppie fraterizing. It's God's way of making you grow the hell up stop pretending you children are perfect little special snowflakes.

News flash.

We're not.

We're all bags of shit ready to be stuffed up with embalming fluid or end up as some headline on CNN. All our lives in the great grand scheme of things, are rather pathetic. We're all gonna end up dead eventually and some in terrible ways. I don't sitting on my blog gloryfiying myself, nor do I go around pitying myself either. Pro-diease parents stand on their pro-cure pedastles, while shoving their fingers up the ir twat and going about how much of "hero" they are. While turning their children in to personal lab-rats to treat their broke and spoiled self-esteem. You're not hero's or "warriors" your fucking white anglo-yuppies with god-complexes.

Fuck you.

Anti-vaxxers however are just a waste of my time. They are not worth preaching to honestly I don't know why I try. But the parents who are still on the fence and are trying pick a side. Don't. Don't bother stay neutral, but listen to your damn children and not your peers.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Shake, Stir and Oppress.

Before we go into the huge discussion today, I do want to brief on an another adventure of the “Teacup Werewolf” and the school she works at.

I am honestly not feeling. I feel dizzy and shivery, it had a headache early today and it was at the point that I pretty much collapsed on the ground. The mask fell off and I just curled up under a table and covered my head at every loud noise and tried to hide from the sunlight. I lost verbal speech and used a note pat to communicate. It was pretty agonizing, like usual the teachers were spot on and assisted me well. Erin encouraged me to head home, she called my sister Katie and told her what happened. Long story short I got on the bus and went home. I didn't leave “early” but I didn't finish work either. It was irritating but something I could manage. Then I decided over-read after being on this thread in LiveJournal.

Which brings into this topic.

I wonder how many abled people and Neuro-accepted people notice their privilege? Would my boss, E would be so kind to me if I was NT? Would she be understanding if was on the same social system as the other co-workers? Was she be being kind and understanding because of my autism? I had a lot of these questions as I sit with my laptop and drinking soy milk. Trying to deal with my headache and feelings of inadequacy. While I think she may have acted the same if I didn't have a disability, (I like to believe so) I feel that neuro-typicals have a lot of privilege that they tend to soak up a good deal.

What kinda of privilege you may ask well the biggest one I see is the fact that when an autists states: “Oh I am autistic” people respond, “Oh I have child/student/client/cousin...etc who has autism.” Why do they do this? Is this some stupid attempt in trying to find some empathy with us? Really? Stop it. It doesn't work it's frustrating because I don't care who you have a relationship with. It doesn't make you more knowledgeable or on the same level. Parents do it all the damn time.

They also play the game of “Oh I feel like that too” as well when I talk about having panic attacks or overloads. They act like everyone has episodes when cognitive thought goes out the window and you're struggling to communicate. They brush it and act like they know exactly what I am going through. No you don't. Yes many NT's have issues in similar strands, but when they act like it's “No big deal”
and try to play it off that everyone has “bad-days” I get irritated. You damn dare brush off the issues I face as autistic person buy down playing them and act like I am not really autistic and that my moments when speaking is almost impossible and I need to be forcibly calmed down during moments of cognitive unrest, is the same when you panic or have a bad day. No it isn't. I can't function or need help. You probably could. Now I am not talking to people that have panic attacks and moments of pyschosis, but the yuppie white middle class therapists who pull the everyone is disabled card. No not everyone is disabled and it just another symptom of abled privilege. You don't need to worry about finding a job that tolerate your meltdowns when everything overloads you at once, or if it's wheelchair accessible or has accessibility for the hearing impaired. You don't worry about aids and resources you need to keep independent. Or if insurance will accept you or how would cops react when your rock back and forth or sway your body.

NT people need to step back and admit their privilege and try to learn a bit more about autistic issues and disability issues. Stop trying to use a relation to empathize, you can't. Stop down playing or try to normalize us and try to make us fit in your box of what is abled and what isn't. Do try to ask questions, don't try to minimize our frustration when resent NT and NT culture.

I get frustrated a lot when I vent or try to say something and people over lap it with how they feel. They one how autists lack empathy but to be honest. NTs are more egocentric than we can ever be.

Monday, November 2, 2009


Friday, October 23, 2009

Relief and the good kind of overload...

It was wonderful, this feeling of drowning in pleasure. Like an overload when things are too much. It is too much..but then relief, if someone open the lid of a bubbling pot and let the steam out. I feel exhausted but not unhappy. I like this feeling of being overwhelmed and then getting that relief. I want the pot to bubble up again so I can free the steam.

OK kiddies this is an adult only post. All you little ones under 18 need to skedaddle.

Opening fiction is Tikaani describing what an orgasm feels like to him. Tikaani's sexuality for a long time is mostly masturbation and various experiments with what turns him on. It isn't until he is around his mid-twenties does he experience intercourse.

For many autists out there, this is very familiar. We're all have fondle ourselves and tried to figure out how get that certain sensation many find it and enjoy it some don't, and for some, intercourse is far away while others have found it and appreciate the experience. Now not all autist are sexual. Some are very asexual for many reasons. Sometimes the sensations are overwhelming and not the good way, some actually hurt. Though it is a lie that autists even "Purple" autists are not sexual or have no concept of sex.

Sex for me is very wonderful thing. I will not tell you all of my sexual habits but release is actually helpful and helps me reorganize thoughts and center me sensory-wise. I feel better and often sleep better. In one experiment fiction with Tikaani he also compares orgasm to using the restroom. It is refreshing and relieves a pressure and need. In some sense sex including masturbation, is form of bodily release, though not completely necessary (like using the toilet or eating) it does serve a very functional purpose.

Problem is many autists are curious but unsure how to approach sex and some are very shy and with the right-wing pro-christian agenda, exploring one's sexuality is often discouraged and for some autists breaking those rules are often hard to do (It was for me when I was Christian) so many are ignorant on many aspects of sex and it poses a host of challenges.

First off, many don't know what their boundaries are and that can cause a lot of problems. They might preform a sexual act and injure themselves (I have done this). Or not know what tools many help them explore their sexuality safely. Many might not understand contraceptives or might be too paranoid about them which causes a lot of unwanted anxiety (Was paranoid about getting pregnant until I got an IUD and I didn't sleep or cry because of said anxiety). We shouldn't leave young autists to figure things out via internet. It's unreliable and irresponsible. Parents however don't have the responsibly alone to teach their child about the finer points of 'insert tab A into slot B' peers and dear friends of autistic people should also help educate and assure autistic people that experimenting and doing it safely is ok. Especially since many teens and young adults of any neuro-type, don't always feel comfortable asking parents about sex and what feels good. Friends shouldn't laugh or look at their autistic friend oddly for asking questions about masturbation or what a g-spot is. Nor should they dismiss them with 'Go wiki/google it' it's unhelpful and creates distrust.

Autistic people of all colors should have the freedom to explore their sexuality without fear of being reprimanded by parents or mocked by peers. Parents and peers and other autistic friends that have experience should pitch and encourage that need to...let the steam out.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Pro-cure autists.

As much as many want to believe a lot of autists don't feel the same way as neuro-ds do. Many of them fall in to the dissonance of loathing and deprivation. Though this is pitiable and sometimes rather pathetic. It's understandable that they like parents when they find out their children are autistic that they too go through a grieving process.

The "autie" version of Curbie Bingo shows many examples of autists discriminating against other autists and autistic self-hate. Though I reciprocate much of their hurt and confusion a world that is so discriminating. But separating yourself from your diagnosis and hunting for the "unicorn" that is the cure, is really disappointing. Why? Because your setting yourself up for a "cure" is really succumbing to the lies of the neurotypical society and letting yourself be cowed by outside pressures. While I may be pro-choice when it comes to cure and I will not stop anyone from looking for a cure. I will however, pity those that do and hope that they will find happiness even it means for something that doesn't exist and placebo effects.

Acceptance does not mean no treatment. It means having courage to change what you can and they serenity and grace to accept the things you can't change. To pull something from Disney's Gargoyles; Hudson, an elder gargoyle said to the younger trio, that A gargoyle cannot stop protecting the castle as it cannot stop breathing the air (I think), in that same tangent an autist cannot stop being autistic in the manner we cannot stop breathing the air.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

A proper place to fall apart.

Today was the school's first test on one of my meltdowns. It was not even a Stage one* and got myself out of it, but it was the first image that I am not always 100% functional all the darn time.

What happened was that some child pulled down the fire switch and it was during the Second Lunch and I was drawing since I finished heating all the lunches and I had some time to kill before clean up. The noise of the alarm sent me into overload instantly. I never heard that sound before and I had no idea what was going on I just knew that "LOUD NOISE IS BAD" and I reacted by covering my ears and rocking. But I had to get the kids out with the other teachers. I hate that godfucking siren. If felt like someone was poking me with a needle the noise was painful and jarring and very uncomfortable.

When I got out I was almost in tears. I was swaying and I still had a grip on my verbal skills, but I could only bite my hands (yes Tikaani does this too when he is unhappy) and rock. Then something amazing (at least to me) happened. The teachers where concerned. Not at what I was doing but at me. They saw my distress and comforted me appropriately. They didn't ask me "What's wrong, are you ok?" because it was obvious by the way I was stimming and swaying that I wasn't. Instead M one of the teachers ask if I wanted a "squeeze" I remember nodding and she wrapped her arm around me and squeezed me close. I took several deep breaths and the pressure defitinty alleviated the panic and helped me process and calm down a lot faster. I wasn't all the way together but I manage to work without too much problem.

I walked to E my boss about the incident, after discussing about she alerting me to any planned drills when I am in the building. I wasn't totally verbal I was gesturing and stuttering but I made some what sense. The bottomline is that E understands why I meltdown and might have moments when I can't calm down. She says I will never loose my job because I have a meltdown and she will accommodate me with whatever I need.

For the first time. I didn't feel I have to suffer to get work down. I can take off the mask and I won't be punished for it. I didn't felt patronized and the teachers wanted to support me. I felt relieved that I won't be punished for things out of my hands. I makes me want to work harder on controlling sensory overload and sensitivity to information and better processing skills. But I know that there is place where I can fall apart and pick myself up.

Walking the road to Hell and I am channeling C.S Lewis

No opening fiction piece this morning. It's gonna be short and sweet.

I think parents are wonderful. I adore writing stories about parents and their children and if you haven't noticed most of my characters have foster and adoptive parents. Tikaani, Kulap(my swamp shaman who was raised by he grandfather) My airbender boys (Chiko the one with the missing arm was raised by Yomi his elder brother/father figure) and even my magical characters. Taahaj one of the leads in my novel Rubicon was cared by Circe and Ezra two mages in a modern magical city.

However...parents of autistic children often walk the road to hell. Their good intentions and and misguided sympathy often leads children down the path of self-hate and distrust of older people. I am not talking about parents that love their children and see their autistic son or daughter as whole. But the biomed moms who are still wrestling that the world doesn't revolve around them anymore. I wondered if these parents forgot what it's like to not meet your parents expectations or rather have that constantly haunt them and they transfer that feeling to their own children.

Children are accessories or status objects but for the white yuppie culture. That's what they end up as. Parents love bragging about their children and anthropomorphic children (dogs) and it's no surprise if they end up with imperfect diagnosis that they will change that convincing themselves it's to make their son happy. Which is a pretty lie to hide the selfish truth.

How many parents that do biomed talk to their kids about treatment? If they too young to understand why. Don't do it.

To juxtaposition something else. The Drakkhani people (and my post on language was featured the other day on shift) are something of allegory on autistic people. I mentioned in my FAQ on them that they are somewhat "aspie" that is to say that they have very constructed thinking. Whilst their logic isn't at the "Vulcan" level; they really don't get human social behavior, and they have a very complex and mysterious language. They are not very good at some human tasks but they exceed in others. They have complex culture that people don't understand any many try to humanize them. While Drakkhani culture isn't like autistic culture the feeling being marginalized is there and to be frank it was after I analyzed them that I saw they connection. I was never my intent but some how they end up resonating with autistic people. They are also an androgynous culture too. They don't have issues with gender or sex as humans do since they themselves have little sexual dimorphism.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I am whole

The screaming from Ollie's locked bedroom could be heard all over the home he is residing at. The 18 year old autistic telekinetic boy's tantrum was over on one thing. Someone took his game boy away. It was the only thing that brought him comfort and it was taken from him. Mr. Whicker noticed that the lock was starting to break. It won't belong out of confusion and frustration, Ollie would psychically break the door down.

Hanai spent two an half hours with Tikaani as he spent that time vomiting and crying, his fever will not break and the healers could break it. Maka had his fourteen year old nephew in his arms as the flu ravaged him. Occasionally out of anger and sickness Tikaani will scream and break something or try to run outside into the snow to cool off. Hanai sat beside him brushing the hair out of his eyes as he made to drink boiled water. Maka looked at his wife with a fear. Will this be the end of their foster son?

Opening paragraphs are from Ollie, a character set in alternate earth, he and two others are gifted with superpowers and call themselves the league of misfits. The other is of Tikaani.

Why would I write something so depressing? Especially since I am so hopeful and confident. This is less "emo" and more reflection.

Out of many neurodiversity blogs out there. They all seem to have this whirlwind optimism. Many are established adults with jobs, or stable income or college kids with a secure environment. Some are self-dx with no legal repercussions of their pasted on diagnosis. Others are formal and have files in their hospitals.

What I am addressing is despite being whole we are not always in constant state of happy gung-ho pride. I will say since no one else will, at least on my end of the camp. Autism does suck. I am not saying that out of depression. I am stating a real truth. Autism does suck, not all the time but it's not something to constantly glorified and "inb4thebutthurt" of people in the "BUT I DON'T GLORIFIY IT!!!!one11!" But I have yet to see people admit that being developmentally disabled does blow a little.

People however love to blame others, mostly neurotypicals saying that it's society's fault that we have it so rough. Yes the social structure is one problem. But if you put a bunch of auties from around the spectrum together on a deserted island, there are going to be just as many problems with that than solutions. The world doesn't suddenly make sense if we're all in one room. We have no standard mode of operating and because of our various social skill level were going to be missing important cues and most likely argue and fight out of frustration, this will go along a for a long while until we figure out how to a set an strong routine. However if we all end up stuck on AutIsland, and we do figure out a structure. You bet your momma's spaghetti that goverment will hold together. Most of us are stickers for the rules.

Which proves that everything has a dark and light side. While I may say Autism sucks (occasionally) and that not everything can be blamed on other people. I do see good from my disability. However I feel I do not have an autie talent, if anything I am rather plain. My art skills are mediocre and my writing is on that same level. I have a lot of flaws but nothing to really balance it. So it seems.

While there are bad days as the first to show, there are good days. Find them and celebrating them is important just recognizing the "autism sucks" days.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

How to teach humans to speak Drakk.

Opening fiction: Lucian

I could speak my own language fluently. The clicks, chirps whisles and growls are part of a complex pattern. Drakk, my native tongue is instrinstic to me as humans speaking verbal is instrinstic to them. However teaching the humans the launguage of the dragon-folk is both a laudable and foolish task.

Language or lack there off is one of the core differators in Autism. Autists of all colors have problems in commuication and language. "Red" or Asperger autists speak like foreigners speaking English fluently. They know their own native tongue but they can converse English well, abiet they have trouble in some cases. Whilst Purple autist know their language and struggle to learn a totally diffrent and equally complex one.

Diagnosticly the difference between a Red and Purple autist is simply, when the child started talking. Precocious speakers learned verbalize quickly and can hold conversations, lack of langauge delay is what makes a autist an asperger or an HFA. But beyond diagnosisic symptoms, even aspergers have trouble speaking what really is to us, a foreign language. Even the most fluent, stumble and trip around signals and diologue. For us, verbal communication is very clumsy and often hard to process. However we so manage and use it well enough to go through out the world without causing so much of a head turn. At least for us lucky "Red" autists. But this isn't about us learning verbal communication, but for NT's to learning our language.

The opening diologue is spoken by a Drakkhani (humanoid dragon-like creatures) man named Lucian Galesong. His language is a complex mix of clicks, growls and words, with body language and posture to accent it. Many of the words spoken in 'Drakk' are almost unpronunceable by English speaking humans. The written "romanized' words are spoken nothing like they are written and it becomes a difficult and frustrating language for humans to speak. So. Most all together make the Drakkhani people learn English, which to them is a very hard, but in the same hand simple language. Many like my character Quasar, learn it but never reach the point where they can talk just as well as humans. Lucian and Taajah both learn to speak "Human words" at an early age and speak it without an accent or major problems. For Drakkhani many never learn for a varity of reasons (Wildborn, too old, ect) but humans refuse to bother with Drakk.

This is the thesis of language with autuistic people and typicals. Why do we struggle with learning your langage your words your culture. But act like learning ours is some great mystery. Though it can be challenging and engimatic, it feels like only autist bother with crossing the vast and shakey bridge which is communication but NTs are tapping their feet waiting for us to cross it.

Today was interesting however. As I was heating up lunch I remarked to "L" who was watching the microwave carosel spin, "Huh, you like watching the micro wave don't you? Probably because it spins. Don't worry I still like to watch celing fans go around and around." Later as I finshed up, one of the teachers approuched me and asked. "What attracted you to celing fans?" That wasn't a hard question but difficult ot explain in the right words. I told her it was simply because I just needed something to focus on, something constant and unchanging. Everything in this world shifts and moves erractily. Celing fans say the same. It's a little peiece of continuality that never veers off from the norm. Autistics seem to be drawn to that. She thanked me and continued helping the class.

All the while I was thinking. "Huh, so one person step foot on that bridge."

Monday, October 5, 2009

Disablity in fiction and fantasy

As the night creeps in and I prepare to turn down so I can sleep tonight I think about a few things.

I recently read this post about Tony Stark the protagonist in Iron Man, it inspiried me to write my own post disablity and fantanstic fiction.

The thing with fantansy fiction is that it's geared to be wish-fulfilment. So having characters with realstic disablities is almost non-existant. In other fictions disabled character have better chances to get recognized and regaurded with respect and realism.Fantansy seems to avoid this.

Case and point is Toph from Avatar. Now while many like Toph, her disablity is really her greatest strength. Same could be said about T.A Barron's Merlin and Daredevil. All three's blindness is really a non-issue. Rarely in fiction do we have disablities that bring the character's potentional out and still be a disablity.

This is problem caused by the concept of "stigma" and the fact having a disablity is "bad" so many author dick-dodge this by adding a disablity that either a non-issue or a strength or tacking on a social disablity that is accepted, like acholism. But without making anything realistic or believable, it becomes quirky and a nuance than a real problem or flaw. I've seen this in fanfics and in published fiction, RP as well. I inciated a rule 'Don't give your character a disablity unless you have some knowledge other than the internet, have this disablity or have family that have it." In RP I exercise this rule often making sure people don't tack on schizofriena without understanding it or DID. I have made this mistake before and I have learned from it. Hopefully others will learn it too.

With my own characters I try to balance things. Not all of my disablied characters have an ASD, currently only "Tikaani, and the 'Leauge of Mistfits" have ASDs, Chiko is another that is questionable as is Sekar. They are more or less unintentional Aspies. I do have others that have disablities, Chiko is missing his left arm and Anil is deaf and Pema is blind (yes these all fan-benders airbenders actually) I have another blind character named Atlas. He is a wolf-alien that lost his sight in war and is bitter anthrophobic man that uses heat vision relayed from his nose to 'see' he was retired three years ago. Asher also lost his arm and was given a cyberized one. Those are the more obvious disabled characters.

Now I did have a character with an addiction, Serhyph was pretty fun but complex character. If it wasn't for the fact he was non-human with a hyper immune system he would have been dead with either AIDS or something else. He was a junky for psychedelics and used it to tain his blood to prevent vampires draining it since his blood is restorative and hemovores enjoy eating it. It also adds powerful boost into spell casting. It ends up nearly getting himself killed, he back-stabbed two elite elven leaders and nearly got his best friend murdered though his 'nee' to get high. They way I intended Serhyph to be played was a bit of a satire on the mythology in which he was based on. Serhyph is a unicorn-faun. So the whole drug addiction poisioning himself was bit irony for people who know the whole "pure hearted' deal unicorns get.

To conclude, fiction is a great medium for showing how disablities act in social contexts. Problem is, many are skewed. I am trying to show that having disablity isn't "bad" as so much 'part of life'. And how you react to it is how it's acts in your life. Serhyph dies eventually. And Tikaani becomes a shaman. Chiko dies of old age and Pema gets blown up. Life goes on. Storytelling should be more reflecting on real life than wish-fulfilment. Disablities and autism especially shouldn't be short changed or downplayed. They need to be 'real' in the story, in order to really touch people in real life.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Neuro D's Anthem

I heard this song on the radio today, I tell you what...it's very fitting for the Neuro'D especially the chorus.

In other news...WAY TO GO PORTLAND....

Rock it! Don't Stop It!

Employment and the sociopolitics of having a neurological disablity or a mental illness.

One of the greatest strengths of being autistic is that we are a diverse people. It's also a huge downfall in the same hand. Because of this pelt-melt chaos that is the spectrum. It makes it hard to erect standard accomodations and thusly makes it hard for employers to employ autists.

From my experiance from being a formal diagnosised autist, I've noticed that having a formal diagnosis is vastly better than using one's personal bias as validation. Though I do advoid discussing self-dx because of my own personal issues, I've noticed that having some paperwork can be helpful when asking for accomodations but in the same tone. It's grossly haunting to have files in the NIMH, so the self-dx have that advantage.

Also the biggest issue when it comes to work, is that information on autism is so skewed that any proper training or education for employers and colluges is really subjective.

In another perspective, the mad-community has similar if not identical issues with the neurodevelopmentals. Having a mental illness and not a lot of education means more people with schizofrienia and bi-polar, addictions. borderline personality and more get shut out just as autists are. it seems those with physcial socially accepted disablities have a little more grace since there a pratical standards for accomadations. Whilst, the mad and the autistic community are so diverse so such predicable protocols are unheard of.

Now to change pace a bit, I've seen a good portion of the aut-comm, play the "Opression Olympics" when it comes to being marginlized and ignored by the neuroaccpeted population. We tend to hog the spot light a little and act like every bad press about a murderer with a mental problem is going to be accused of having an ASD. I had to lift my eyebrow a little and look to my friends with mental disorders. Especially my friend who is PTSD, Bi-polar and Schizo. And let me tell you guys, having the kind of disorder that is almost always associated with serial muderders and psychotics isn't as horrifying has having the "Rainman" stereotype. At least our disablity isn't a plot point for a villian.

In that same token I've seen autists play the "at least I am not like those people" game, to the members with MIs. Really? Do you want to sound hypocrital here? Apparently it's not ok for parents with Asperger children to disassociate from the indivuals that are on the "blue" or "purple" end of the spectrum as well as "red" autists to do the same thing. But fine for us to disassociate from other members who have alterly wired minds?

Such a pity, since many seriously empathize with autistics with sharing a simliar history of being seen as "weak" and "crazy" and "burdens". We should try not to shove them away or try to scoot from them, but reach out and communicate and create a bridge of empathy and respect. Many autists share dual diagnosises of MI and need the affirmtation that beimg different no matter how your mind is made, is ok. Also in that fashion, we should note that treament for there disorders is their choice not ours just as treatment for our autism is our choice and not the neurotypicals. We should respect the bi-polars and schziofriencs that can self-manage their pyschosis without medication just as we should respect those that need the seroquel or topamax.

We should reach out and help those who ask for it and support those that walk their paths with little help and with great courage. I admire my friend Jermemy or as I loving call him "the Fat-ass" (he calls me short-shit despite the name theses are private nicknames and have no perjorative meaning attach to them) he and I are both walking our live paths and want to be treated as human beings. I think we have that in common with they mad community and something that we should work together on.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

*hums a song*

And at 9an Oct 4th 1986, the world got stranger as an autistic, wolf-minded, shamanic bigender weirdo came into the world.


Backup "You are my mother"

This is the story I sent to Suzanne,

“You are my mother.”

By Bard Child


My bones creek, by back aches and I can no longer walk. Every day I sit in bed cared by my husband and my little brother. Now my beautiful and strong husband, Maka, has left to join the ancestors and Amana is also very ill and resting beside me. Now it's my children who care for me.


Elang my oldest comes by with fresh milk and butter from his herd, he helps me get up and change my clothes. Sakari his wife helps as well and my grandchildren sit beside my bed and say.

“Nana! Nana! Tell us a story about the fortress!” I smile and recall the grand city of ice that I use to live, I tell them about their grandfather and how he was a hard working fisherman. I tell them about how Amana fought in the war and how he was a brave and fearless hunter. Enthralled by my stories, I dwell in those memories, letting the warm nostalgia wash over me like a fine bath. Finally my children and grandchildren go home, they tell me that Qaniit will come for the night. Leaving me with Amana who gets up to make food, I think about my youngest. Eyes grown soft and full of regret. After all the years I spent, I too have abandoned him. Amana hears me cry.

“Hanai?” His voice soft and gravely, like ice breaking in the sea. He hobbles over on his driftwood cane and sits beside me. “Hanai, are you in pain? Do you need any medicine, should I get a healer?” I shook my head, and waved his words aside. No herbs, no massage, no medicine. Just regret, a pain in which nothing assuages it. His dark eyes plead to me, asking why I was weeping. I confessed to Amana, I told him why I had a look of guilt and longing.

“I abandoned him, I threw him away, just as his father told me I would, after fifteen years or raising him. I shoved him aside too.” Amana squeezed my hand and shook his head.

“Hanai, we've gone over this. You couldn't raise him like this, Maka couldn't care for you and Tikaani. It was the right decision, Tikaani is an adult, and how Rahmet and the shamans of the south are his providers. You have read the letters that Rahmet wrote, Tikaani can read now and write, is working hard. You haven't abandoned him, you just let him grown up.” I knew he was right but still, I wish I had the courage to tell him, that I saw him as my son, and I should have been the one to tell him that I couldn't take him home. I wish I could comfort him and heal his confusion and feelings of abandonment. I wish I could apologize to him.


The sun was dying to the west, it's bloody face hidden by the vermillion stained glaciers. I could smell the fires. Fueled by oil and fat. I knitted and hummed to myself, waiting for Qaniit to come and repeat the cycle of care and distant affection. I heard the wolfskin flap open and I expected to see my daughter instead. It was my son.
“Rahmet? What are you doing here!? I thought-” My heart jumped, as he tried to look behind him. My son smiled and walked over to embrace me. Suede covered hands, studded with beads and amulets. His eyes like mist, foggy and intangible. I knew that Rahmet was going blind. Yet he told me that the spirits will see for him and he was not afraid. I admired his courage, it was trait all shamans had. I look at the door again waiting for someone. Rahmet took my hand as Amana laid sleeping beside me.
“I know you are waiting for him, you haven't seen him in twenty years. I brought him with me. I told him to wait outside in case you were asleep.” I gave him a sharp look and a smirk.
“When am I ever asleep?” I said to him, amused. Rahmet motioned at the door way and in a firm voice he said.
“You have permission.” I held my breath. As the sound of oiled boots step into the threshold. I sat up as a man, not a boy entered my room. Good, gods, he has grown so much. Tikaani, was no longer this gangly coltish looking boy with long hair and deep but always lost eyes. He didn't look at me but at Rahmet waiting for his next cue.
“Tikaani. Do you remember Auntie? She is sitting here, why don't you greet her.” Tikaani definitely had a man's face, but his eyes were permanently young. I didn't speak to him, he was still processing the hut I lived in. Amana woke up and looked at Tikaani with a bewildered face.
“Oh good ancestors, is this a dream?” He said blinking sitting up to examine Tikaani, as if he he really was some sort of apparition. Tikaani looked over to Amana and then to me. I watched the realization bleed into his expression. He smiled and crossed the distance between us to hug me.
“Auntie.” He said in a robust voice, truly a man voice. I remember when his was still breaking. I sat back and gazed up at him. He does look a lot like Tigtuk, he has his face and smile, but his eyes were definitely my sister's. He grew a goatee and his hair was still long and fine but braided with bone beads and metal clasps. His ears were pierced and sported facial tattoos of a shaman, he filled into his long sleek adult body. I smiled proudly, Tikaani was handsome and strong, but the smile faded when I remember that Tikaani would probably stay a bachelor. Part pf me wanted my youngest to have children, maybe a daughter with the same ever-young eyes, but the gods would probably not allow it. Tikaani wasn't meant to be father.
“Auntie, I am sorry. I am sorry I have not visited you. I have been very very busy, Rahmet works me hard.” he said, I could hear the apologetic tone in voice. I couldn't suppress a chuckle. He still apologized for things had no control over. Tikaani always apologizes. Amana grabbed Tikaani's arm in greeting and smiled up at him.
“How is our shaman? Have you been listening to your teachers?” Amana asked, Rahmet repeated the question to Tikaani, as his eyes turned to the window. I waited, Amana waited and then Tikaani answered.
“Yes. Obedient. I listen to my elders. I have to, the work of a shaman is dangerous soul-tearing work that will eat you alive.” I bit my lip and then busted out laughing at the parroted line.
“You have a strong soul, Tikaani,” I reached over and touched his chest, I could feel his heart under his tunic shirt. He stripped off his coat when he came in. “I can feel it beating inside, you have a very strong and determined soul. You will be a great shaman like your cousin.” Tikaani overlapped my hand with his. I could see his eyes reading my face and letting the words steep into him like a tea. He tried to smile but inside he just squeezed my hand.
“Thank you. Thank you for still seeing me as a human being.”

Amana took Tikaani to the hut and had him organize shelves and make supper. Amana even when ill still could carefully instruct and teach Tikaani. Tikaani followed Amana's instructions his eyes soft and seeking. Rahmet was smoking his bone pipe and smiled gently.
“Tell me what has been going on with Tikaani, I am assuming he still half-functional even at this age.” Rahmet blinked and sighed.
“I don't like that term 'half-functional' what is functionality? Really mother? Tikaani can dress, feed and bathe himself. He shaves once a week, he can use the toilet unassisted, he is literate. I say he is decent, he might need my guidance and the elders until he too is old, but the lodge agreed that Tikaani has a strong connection to the spirits, we think some of his outbursts and behaviors is proof of that. He will always be depended on someone, but in grand scheme mother, isn't everyone?” Rahmet was right about the last part. We are all depended on someone in some manner, I chuckled as Tikaani stirred the cast iron pot over the fire, watching the serious look on his face. Rahmet exhaled a cloud of smoke and put the stem back in his mouth. His eyes serious and thoughtful as Tikaani with guidance ladled the shellfish broth into bowls.
“He still rocks back and forth when he is alone and talked to himself, he prefers to write on paper than actually speak. He says words don't feel real. Tikaani has a schedule that he follows, but recently he has been wanting to see you, so we traveled north to visit you. I felt it was time.” I sat up and took a bowl from Tikaani and sipped the broth as Tikaani took a corner and sat and rocked his fingers wiggling as he fixates on a window. I smiled and sipped my dinner.
“It's indeed time. I love watching him move like that. It's beautiful, always in constant motion. At one point I found it bothersome I tried to make him stop it, but every time I did he would do something else repetitive, and then Maka said something interesting. Does not the waves lap the shores in the same fashion, never changing? Does not the birds fly the same direction every season? What is wrong with repetition? As long as he isn't hurting others or himself, just let him be as the waves, always moving. The look of surprise on my sons face made me giggle, he seemed a bit baffled.
“Father actually said that? I always though he wasn't fond of Tikaani's dancing?” I laughed again, so that is what Rahmet calls it? I put the empty bowl on the table and Tikaani took it to the kitchen.
“In bed, while everyone was asleep, I believe it was more troublesome to stop something that wasn't doing any harm. I see know that Tikaani uses to keep him mind in motion too. It how he thinks, I wish someone can see his repetitive beauty, like the waves that rush in and rush out. I wanted him to find love, to find companionship with a woman. Rahmet seemed to read my mind and slouched in his seat. His eyes turned to Tikaani washing some clay pots.
“He doesn't have any interest in women, I mean, well in some respects he does, but tells me is scared of them. He prefers the company of men actually. He rather have their affections than that of women. He has no interest in children at all, he dislikes babies and toddlers, he will play with older children but he will turn around if a little one approaches them. So wishing that he will bear you grand nieces and nephews is a tad futile.” I frowned and sighed longingly, Qaniit finally found another gentleman to wed but she won't bear any children, Rahmet's choice is to be celibate, and Tikaani, too doesn't want a family, but I knew it must be that way. Tikaani wasn't meant to parent. I watched as Tikaani stacked the pots in nice, neat rows making sure everything was in it's place. I hope Tikaani has found his place in this world. I hope he has found his happiness.

As the cool fire of the fat-lamps burned and Rahmet was with Amana, I sat alone with my nephew. Tikaani rocked back and forth his eyes always at the window. He chuckled and reached out to stroke his face.
“I remember when I nursed you and you wouldn't look at me, but the window. I also remember the years you were silent and observant. Rahmet was more of your bully than friend. I could you remember all those details before you spoke your first words? I remember that day so clearly, 'more rice' you said, you were almost six, after years of helping you use words you finally figured out how to speak, but you still couldn't communicate like us. Do you really hate speaking Tikaani? How would rather have our conversation?” Tikaani paused and then pulled away from my touch and walked around before taking a piece of chalk and a slate stone from the fire. He sat down and showed me the slate and chalk. “That will work then, Do you understand what I am saying Tikaani?” He looked at the wall and then at me for a moment before scribbling sloppy characters on the slate.
“I hear everything.” The slate read before he wiped it clear and tapped his palm on his knee, still holding the chalk in his free left hand.
“Why is it so hard to talk?” He responded again, in small but readable characters.
“I trip and fall, I don't fall when I write. Writing feels real. It feels real, I wonder why words for him on slate feel more real than spoken ones? Maybe it is the fact that the words are more permanent on silk or paper or on slate. He wrote again, ”I know, why I am here. I know it's time. I am scared to loose my mother again. I must walk forward, past only has regrets. I don't want regret.” I bit my lip, I knew what he was implying, I knew every reason why Rahmet brought him here. Tikaani, knew that I was going to die soon, he wanted to say good-bye. I lifted his head to meet my eyes and I spoke to him in clear and honest words.
“I loved you as you were my own son, as if I gave birth to you myself. My sister was a selfish creature, who didn't have the courage to raise as someone as rare as you. You were never meant to be thrown into the ocean to drown, you were meant for good things. I am sorry Tikaani. I am sorry that I was too hurt to care for you and I am glad I have this opportunity to tell you how much I love you.” I split my blood on the ground, I told him what he probably knew.
“Your father never wanted you, neither did your mother. They wanted to drown you as a baby, they believe you were beyond redemption.” Tikaani looked at the slate and then pulled way in sloppy tight, characters, he gave me his reply.
“I knew that my sire didn't want a weak child. I walk forward. I proved him wrong. I have forgiven you long time ago. I walk forward. I became a man because you let me go. I will always love you too, I called you Auntie, because I knew it meant Mother. You are my Mother, never forget that when you join the ancestors, that I am your son, I will honor you.” At that moment I wept, I knew all along that he had forgiven me, Tikaani doesn't hold grudges. He doesn't know how. He dropped his chalk and crawled over to hold me. I held on to him. No regrets. No regrets at all.

(in Tikaani's words)

It felt like dawn never came. I didn't sleep. I never really do sleep, actually, but last night I didn't get any rest. Rahmet saw me still for once in the morning and staring at the still hand that was dangling from Auntie's bed. His face was sad and scared, as he checked her neck with his fingers. He covered is face with his wide hands and he choked back a sob. He was crying too, I didn't want to cry, Auntie told me that strong men don't cry in public. I already had my tears in privet. Amana joined him and held him in his arms. I watched this as an observer not really part of this just watching them as I always do. Then Amana turned to me, I couldn't read his face.
“Tikaani. When did she die?” I didn't know how to respond to that I just rocked and stared at her hand. Rahmet gave Amana a look, the kind of look when I made a mistake.
“Don't ask him that. He has no idea. He was probably awake all night with her.” He said in angry voice. Amana glared at me and in harsh voice as if I was in trouble shouted to me.
'Why are you not grieving!? She was your mother damnit!” I didn't respond to that either. Rahmet's anger surged up like a tide during a storm.
“Stop lashing out at him! He isn't your fucking punching bag! He isn't four anymore when you call him idiot and retarded and shark bait and he wouldn't do a thing. He is grieving! He just as upset as we are...but...he knew. He knew that she was going to die tonight and we weren't ready.” Rahmet took a deep breath and so did Amana. He turned to me and apologized, I knew he was just hurt, like when you found out that a trip you have been planning for months suddenly gets cancelled, and disappointment and heartbreak was there. He didn't want his big sister to leave him to die alone. He probably wanted to die first.
“I will get the healers. To prepare her body, the funeral must be done.” I said, my words hid the frustration and sorrow that I was feeling but could never express.

The day of the funeral was a quiet one. Snow fell with silent diligence, as if the sky was reconizing that today was a somber one. Auntie was buried in a great glacier in a Spirit House, she was wrapped in furs and given food for the Spirit World. Her totem, the bear was laid on top along with four things of ours that she used to remember us, Elang's favorite tunic as a child, Qaniit's hair piece, Rahmet's herb bag and for me, a tiny clay jar with a small scroll, written upon it, were my first words. He watched as they slowly lowered her into the ice. I felt my heart break a little, the finality of it all. Rahmet started to tap his drum and too everyone's surprise. I sang.
Not with words, but with emotions, feelings I could never verbalize. Half-sounds of the oceans and half chants to call upon the spirits of the earth. Perhaps I was crying in public I couldn't tell. I let my body sway and my hands move with the sorrow of my chant. I was praying, maybe I was begging maybe I was laughing all at once. Rahment continued to beat on the drum as I sang my requiem. The family was observant and silent. Faster the words came pelt-melt and driven by the feelings of peace and a turbulent joy. I wanted to show my mother, my Auntie that I did have strong soul. She helped carve it. It was her that made my soul beautiful and I it sang to her.

It was a song of thanks.

The End...

Tikaani continues his shamanic work and lives with Rahmet in the south. Never leaving his side is a deaf woman, who was also an apprentice shaman as well. She seems to be different that most women, she didn't claim any gender and preferred to be called “Goose” or Kanut. Tikaani suffered a heart attacked at age forty-nine and Kanut runway to the north while carrying his unborn child, he is unaware that she was pregnant. She was thirty-five. She was in love with the shaman, but this was unknown by the community.

This one of several outcomes I have for Tikaani. I am unsure what I have planned for him. .