Does this Unit have a Soul?

One of my more recent addictions lately has been lately the Mass Effect Trilogy that you can play on Xbox. It follows a very "choose your own" adventure sort of story where your choices do have certain consequences (Before anyone starts I don't want wank about the ending), it's enticing to me as I play through discovering planets, aliens and re-discovering a genre that I love but don't find a lot of good material on it, "Space Opera".

In the first game the big bad was a race of sentient machines called the geth. For the player they are simply crazy robots bent on destroying everything. In the second game we meet a character called Legion who explains a bit about the geth and their perspective on things as well as their view point on why the rose up against their creators the Quarians.

We have seen this song and dance before. This is an old trope done before, where machines fight against their masters and we must destroy them before they kill everything. In some cases with androids or robots, the Velveteen Rabbit trope is used to make them more approachable to humans. Over all this is nothing new and it borders on cliche even. But the whole idea of Legion recalling the memories of many geth that he stores and explains the situation in his perspective is kind fascinating and something I look forward too when I get to that part of the plot.

The reason I bring this up is because androids and robots seem parallel autistics in a sense. Writers use similar tropes to portray us. The "Autistic Killer" echos a bit of about a crazed machine that goes haywire and snaps and kills it's masters. The love of a NT woman to normalize and Autistic man is another echo on the idea the love of a human woman can give humanity to a machine. Autistics have been used lately to be the new "android" metaphor, it's common in films like Adam and books like House Rules that the autistic is used to be a figure for something that is uncanny and not truly human. It's the idea that autistics are so familiar or so foreign or so tragic that they are more like robots than people. The reader gets to know the autistic as outsider or Other. NT writers tend to write autistics as tragic context that needs a happy result for the story to be complete. Other times they come off as plot furniture. This is nothing new or needs repeating, we all know this from various books.

What I am getting at is like the geth writing it's own story without the outside perspective of the Quarians; autistics tend to do the same thing. I find more autistics writing their own novels and stories in their perspective. Their narratives and fiction have more power than the ones written by NTs, because their narratives are from their own collective, their own context. Not one made from guesses or ideas on how autistic should be but rather what they really are. This is interesting to watch as autistics are starting to craft their stories. Regardless of what the rest of community might scoff or say; we are the archivers of our own mythology.

Playing the Fool

The Fool Card

At #0 (or, in some decks, #22, the last card as much as the first of the Majors) the Fool is the card of infinite possibilities. The bag on the staff indicates that he has all he needs to do or be anything he wants, he has only to stop and unpack. He is on his way to a brand new beginning.

But the card carries a little bark of warning as well. While it's wonderful to be enthralled with all around you, excited by all life has to offer, you still need to watch your step, lest you fall and end up looking the fool.




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The day after Autistic Speaking Day has left me with a sense of apathy lately. While I have been rather jaded and burnt out with the past events of doing disability activism for ASAN. I personally stopped caring about what lives I will changed or have changed or have left in doubt. You might gasp at this and find it tragic but trust me. This is me drawing the Fool Card.

I use do Tarot readings for shits and giggles. Later I got more interested in Rune casting and I actually excelled in Runes than Tarot. Still, the point of the metaphor is not about how I like to do divination for fun, but why I didn't look before I leap.

I was over doing it. I was throwing myself into my work and thus expended my emotional resources which left me a bitter, jaded and hateful person. I don't like the saccharine kids that want to be Aut-activists, my patients for parents is gone and any superheroish feelings of wanting to save the world, have all been ashed by the harsh reality that the thankless job of being an advocate doesn't bring recognition or the feeling of accomplishment that I desired. I was unhappy with myself, with what I was doing and yet I was still meeting with young women who wants answers. Writing letters to parents, going to talk to other DD self-advocates and even speaking to Melanie's class. Even today at work, I was explaining the wrongs of Aut$pks to a naive volunteer. I keep throwing my ass on the fire for some reason. Highly aware that I am being burnt.

Ladies and Gents, I like you to meet the Fool Card of the Autistic Major Arcana.

I still keep hoping that something will change. That Autistics Speaking day will actually improve relations with parents and teachers instead of becoming somesort of glorified meme. That Aut$pks will change hands with someone else that has been touched by neurodiversity and thus, will have better PR. I hope that one day ASAN will become a leading disability organization, that I will be staff one day with a paycheck. That parents will be reconmended to seek out ASAN chapters to involve their teenangers with.

It's a pipedream I am sure. I am so cynical and dry that I know I am fighting a loosing battle. Yet despite being so fucking jaded I manage to saunter merrily down the path and into a gaping chasm. Maybe the caveat isn't really the cliff in front of me, but the fact I was so blind to it and I keep climbing up and falling back into it.

Let me make this clear.
Don't self-advocate thinking that you will change the world. Self-advocate because you rather fall into the schism yourself than having someone chuck you into it.

Liquid Words (Fic)

A Tikaani fic that is set in the original universe

Liquid Words

Fandom: Avatar:TLA

Rating: PG

Characters: Ocs (Tikaani and his family) Aang

Warning: (MUST HAVE SOME KNOWELGE OF THE SHOW)

Summary: What if Tikaani could bend? Would bending be his language?

AN: I was inspired by a bending/sign language fic (which is amazing) Tikaani is my semi-verbal autistic OC, he's normally a non-bender, but what if he could bend?

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She had no idea what she was doing, it was honestly a irrational decision to adopt her sister's son. Tikaani was almost twenty months old, and screamed for most of the day. He slammed his head on the walls of his house. Would break things meaninglessly, spin in circles and when he was silent he would stare. For hours. Agna called him a monster, Tigtuk called him a failure. Hanai called him her nephew and instead of drowning him, she adopted the delayed but beautiful boy and hope with time and patience he will speak and speak well.

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love, love is a verb

Maka was not ready to raise his nephew. He was nervous around the confusing young boy, who seem impossible to toilet train and feed and even hold. He didn't want to be held for some reason. That confused Maka. He loved cuddling with all of his children but only Tikaani would shriek and shove him away. Tikaani wouldn't even look him in the eye, but at the window or at the floor. It was starting to wear on Maka and Amana, Hanai's brother. They saw Tikaani, and saw only a shell of human being. Wordless, and hollow. Maka silently agreed, that Tigtuk should have drowned him. There was no hope for this one.

Then Tikaani at age three, spoke.

Not with verbal speech, but with an older, more liquid tongue. Tikaani had his hands waving about him one evening. Flapping incessantly as Hanai and her son, Rahmet made dinner. The eight year old turn his head to the sound of ice cracking. He heard his cousin laugh and jerked his head around to see his nephew bending crack into the ice walls.

“MAMA! Tikaani...is bending!” said an astonished Rahmet. Hanai dropped her uluu and ran to the toddler giggling in the corner. It never occurred to Hanai that Tikaani could be a bender like Rahmet, Amana and Maka. It seemed to be an uncommon trait in her family, Tigtuk wasn't a bender neither was Agna. Yet Tikaani inherited the words of ocean and moon, it was peculiar. Very peculiar.

“Whoa! Check out what Tikaani did mom! He made rings with his bending. That's so cool!” Rahmet said with a half-quirked grin. Hanai was busy giving Tikaani a toy to play with. Keeping those hands of his busy. She looked over her shoulder and saw what Tikaani bent. Rings. All interconnected. Like a strange chain. It was in neat tight rows, but Tikaani bent circular cracks, in strange patterns. It was bizarre and almost scary. She had to talk to Maka. She had no idea what this would mean for them. Tikaani couldn't talk, but he could bend, and bend in an odd way.

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At age five Tikaani's bizarre language began to form with his bending. If he wanted to say “I want” he would try use bending to get it. Because of his lack of body awareness, his bending was lopsided and off. Maka helped him refine it and Amana encouraged him.

“Do you want the cookie Tikaani?” asked Maka as he sat in front of him. Hanai was holding him using a shallow dish of water as his resource. “Can you bend me 'yes'?” he prompted holding out the sweet rice biscuit. Tikaani moaned and tried to wriggle out. Maka prompted him again trying to remain patient, but after the third week of “supported bending” it was getting very clear that it wasn't working. Hanai was getting worried if Tikaani didn't learn to control his bending. It could end up destroying him...and them.

“C'mon Tikaani, bend 'yes' for me. Use that gift you have.” Maka coaxed. Tikaani tried to get free. Just as Maka was going to get up and tell Hanai to let him go. Tikaani screamed and used a tendril of water to whip the cookie out Maka's hand. “OW! Goddamn it!” he snapped as the cookie laid on the ice in half. Quickly Tikaani used another water tendril to grab the cookie halves and bring them to him. Not a second was spared as he ate his treat. Maka looked astounded, but amused. His nephew clearly said: “GIVE ME THE DAMN COOKIE!”

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Excellent words, I can hear them now...

Tikaani was steadily improving. Constant intensive bending plus using bending as form of adaptive language was a unique solution to being non-verbal. Which was a reality that was starting to crash into the rest of the family. Elang, Hanai's eldest was almost non existent at home. He never told the other buffalo-yak riders about Tikaani, neither did Qannit, who spent most of her time with the other seamstresses. The siblings never spoke a word about their cousin, he became something like a family secret, and a family blessing.

Amana observed Tikaani as Hanai and Maka worked with their nephew. He was trying to communicate not bend. For verbal benders, bending was just a means to a complete a task or win a fight. It was a language that many benders spoke but not communicated with. When Tikaani bent it wasn't because he wanted to fight, or make the water move, but because he need to say something. Which is why his bending was different than children his age. He had trouble learning the simple “push-pull” that small toddlers could learn, but he could make water tendrils to point and grab things. He was more skilled with his hands, but his foot work was clearly haphazard. He needed refinement and formal schooling. Yet Hanai objected,

“He isn't ready for school.” said Hanai as Maka lifted Tikaani's hands and made him move in the right order to do a bending pose. It was facilitated bending, but it was teaching his muscles how to move. Amana watched as Maka made Tikaani do the poses over and over. He pulled away and Tikaani repeated the pose on his own.

“Niiiice work Tikaani!” Maka praised lifting water up and turning it into snow to sprinkle down on to Tikaani. The boy laughed and did the same thing, causing Amana's jaw to drop a bit. He couldn't make snow until he was almost 13, it took a lot of control, but he could do it easily. Tikaani toss the water back up again and made snow over and over.

“Ok now he is just parroting, but he obviously over joyed. Look, Tikaani needs a private tutor not a formal school. Pakku would just belittle him and not give him a chance. We need someone to teach him one on one, and we can do that.” she explained as the did the pose again. It was a step and sweeping motion to create waves. It was the push-pull but executed in a manner that made sense to Tikaani. If Amana would think on it, it was like telling Tikaani to do something but breaking the sentence down so he can process it better. The bending conversation could be explained like this: First you must do this, Then you can do this It was breaking the bending down into less complicated poses and then slowly stringing them together into a full 'sentence'. They did it slowly so Tikaani could understand. After he got the hang of it, he can tweak the sentence into any way he wants. So it would be more efficient, but he had to understand the formal “phrase” before he can make it “slang-y” After watching this for a while Amana could understand how Tikaani communicated and how Maka taught him how to bend. A conversation could be like this:

Maka would bend a wave to him, How are you today? Tikaani would redirect the wave back to him remember how to push the water back. I am good, then Maka would turn a circle lifting the wave of water into a fluid stream and send it to Tikaani That's nice to know, we might go fishing today would you like that? Maka would say, flowing the stream to Tikaani, sometimes Tikaani would drop it and would “repeat” a bending phrase over and over if he is confused, but today. I would like that uncle, just us? he responded by taking the stream of water and turning around with it before sending it back to him on the ice in a wave. Maka lifted it back up and turned into a fine snow to sprinkle down on Tikaani, a big grin was on his face. Maka just responded. Yeah...just us kiddo

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At age seven, Tikaani was catching up, not developmentally...but as a bender. He still wasn't fully toilet trained, he couldn't be left alone, but he could use bending to trip up Maka in battle. Hanai smiled fondly as Tikaani could keep up and almost out bend Rahmet. It was starting to become apparent that Tikaani skill was vastly improving only because he was non-verbal if he was verbal, he probably wouldn't be so dependent on using bending to communicate and thus, would probably still be a beginner bender.

Yet, because of that need. Tikaani was using his bending to say everything he couldn't say. Words...that flow over Rahmet's head. Tikaani was far more fluent than Rahmet could ever be at his age.

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There was very deep silence in Maka's house. Tikaani's bending skill at age ten was made fully clear when he had a severe meltdown. Maka nursed a black eye and Amana sat with a bandaged arm. Tikaani ran off again, and while trying to drag him back him he unleashed a volley of insults. Half words and babbling in the form of ice daggers and melting the ice underneath them. As he writhed and tantrumed on the ice. Maka had to keep his balance, his nephew's meltdown was causing massive gashes in the ice around them, threatening them all.

After finally getting him home, they sat in silence thinking what to do about Tikaani. His bending was incredible, but he was a risk to himself and to his family if he couldn't control his meltdowns. Hanai watched as Tikaani talked to himself, making rings in the ice again. His soothing babbling was keeping him from lashing out in anger. She had to ask.

“Why did he get so angry at you, normally when he runs off he comes back just fine?” the question lingered like a putrid odor. Then Maka spoke.

“Tikaani ran away not because he saw something or heard something...he ran because we told him his father wanted custody back.”

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The custody battle between Tigtuk and Maka was long and bloody. The city elders tried to moderate the feud, but there was so much tense emotion that it was getting to the point that Arnook needed to make a choice for the family. Meanwhile Tikaani was training with Pakku who decided to tutor Tikaani in private.

Pakku heard rumors of the “idiot savant”, years ago when Rahmet bragged about his non-verbal cousin and his amazing bending skills. Pakku watched him a few times with Amana. He had to admit Tikaani had a lot of potential, more than that. Tikaani had a window into a world he was ill adapted for. Feeling strings of philanthropy, Pakku decided to play therapist and sifu for Tikaani who was caught in this bloody custody war.

Pakku was sparing with the almost eleven year old child. Tikaani was still delayed in some areas, but caught up in others. He was toilet trained, and could feed himself and clothe himself without help. But still needed to be supervised and his aggression was starting be more frequent. Yet he was reaching masterhood in a fast pace. Savant indeed.

Pakku swerved a wave of water at Tikaani as he repelled it back with shards of ice, eyes focused and in thought.

Who do you want to live with Tikaani? Hanai or Tigtuk? asked Pakku as he continue to send waves of water at the boy.

Hanai of course, she loves me, but honestly I'm just a tool for them all. The only reason they didn't kill me as a child was because I could bend. The only reason my father wants me back, is because I am just fucking weapon Tikaani reply was full of vitriol and pain, sending the waves back in massive surges of ice which Pakku could block easily his calming words trying to soothe Tikaani.

I know you feel used, but I think you should tell the elders who you want to live with. I know you can communicate that to them, but you must not let anger be your voice. The waves were smaller as they lifted Tikaani up on a pedestal. Tikaani responded by melting it and turning the ice into a globe to cover himself up. Sealing himself from Pakku.

They won't listen to me! They just see the idiot. The retard. They don't see the savant. They don't see the warrior. They will make the choice for me. As they always have done. I have words, they might not be in the simple mouth sounds that people prefer, but they are still my words Tikaani declared by turning the globe of ice into a massive wave of water then morph the ice into daggers to fall on Pakku. The elder swept all of them and sunk them into the icy arena.

“Yes. And what beautiful words you have. Purer and unfettered. Despite your disability Tikaani you do have a voice and I feel your frustration. Yet do not let the anger in your heart eat you. Let it go Tikaani, you speak clearly without rage.” warned Pakku approaching Tikaani and placing a gloved hand on his shoulder. Tikaani was still, there was nothing else to say. After a moment though he lifted his hand and pulled a globe of water and let it rest in his palm.

I will speak calmly

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The custody war was finally over when Pakku told the elders that Tikaani should chose where to stay. The elders disagreed at first but then after discussion it was decided that Tikaani could communicate clearly enough to pick who he wants to live with. Tikaani made his choice by simply lifting a wave of water and blanketing Hanai and Maka with snow. Pakku smiled as Tikaani made his choice without the unbridled rage he normally had. Despite what the elders assume of Tikaani's competence, they agreed that the gestured was appropriate and made the declaration that Tikaani will remain the ward of Maka son of Barong. Tikaani walked home with peace in his heart, words still unfettered.

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“You've gotta be kidding me! I can't fight this kid. He doesn't even look like...he's all the way there!” argued Katara as she stood akimbo to Tikaani who was playing with his favorite top. His long hair flowed over his shoulders and deep blue eyes were lost in the spinning of the top on the ice of the training arena. Aang watched him before getting up deciding that Tikaani would be an easy match.

“C'mon Katara, Pakku just wants us to help him. I'll spar him Sifu!” announced Aang getting up and approaching Tikaani.

“Very well Avatar, I am glad to see you're up for a challenge. I am disappointed that you were not Katara. I would think you would find our Tikaani more of a match than your other peers.” Pakku said simply getting to Tikaani's level and using a tendril of water to pull the top away gently. Time for a new game. Do you want to spar with Aang? Tikaani got up and looked at the top for a moment before rubbing his hands on his face and pulling his hair for a moment. Pakku let him stim watching him as Tikaani turned to face Aang. The airbender smiled at the twelve year old waterbender who hummed and flapped his hands. Tikaani bent a stream of water and sent it at Pakku, Ok. I will, he looks easy. Katara had her hands crossed and look at Aang with a raised eyebrow.

“Aang I don't think this is fair, Pakku is just setting you up! Do you really want to fight against him?” she complained as Aang got into a stance.

“Come on Katara how hard can he be? He isn't even looking at me!” Aang sent a wave of water at the Tikaani while his back was turn grinning thinking he would catch him off guard. He was shocked when Tikaani whirled around sending the wave back, swirling it around Aang. The Avatar tried redirect the surge back to Tikaani, but the boy had it under control. Pakku had a smug look on his face as Tikaani was introducing himself to Aang. Showing him who he was. Words completely lost on the Avatar. Tikaani pulled the water back before Aang had a chance to bend it away from him and he solidified it back into the arena. Aang just stood there perplexed as Tikaani went back to stimming again and making ice rings.

“Wow! He could bend just as good as you Katara, but what's wrong with him? He doesn't look like he even knows we exist.” Aang noted as Tikaani bent more rings. Pakku explained, as Tikaani babbled to himself.

“Tikaani is a waterbending savant. He has some sort of...mental delay as child. He can't talk like you and I but he can speak through his bending. He was introducing himself to you. Since you didn't reply he stopped the conversation and when back to talking to himself. Let this be a lesson to you both, do not assume anything about your opponent. Do not draw conclusions about them before the bout begins or you will lose. You will find that many of your opponents are not always what they seem.” Katara felt a bit humbled by this. Walking up slowly to Tikaani she melted the ice rings he was making and turned them into little ice towers.

I'm Katara. Do you want to spar? Tikaani looked up and sent a wave back to her. Yeah ok!

And then, the conversation started again.

END

Speaking in Drakk part duex

I know I know it's been a month since I've updated, I can expla-no never mind. I can't. I was actually to lazy to update. That. And I have boyfriend now. So I have been madly in love and oblivious to autism politics. I might also co-mod AFF (cue screaming) to help out Richard who is one of the admins.

Dear God. Save me now.


Speaking of praying to supposed deities. This brings up my topic today. I am planning to come out to my mom (again...cue more screaming), this is not going to be easy at all and honestly it's probably going to be the most stressful conversatiohttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifns I am going to have with my mom (this makes telling my mom I am going to live with Patrick seem like a cakehttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif-walk now). Because of this stress I will fall into the violent spiral of Communication Hell, and I won't make DAMN sense on what I am trying to explain to my mom.

This seems to happen a lot to aspies and auties and really...it's the unmasking of passing NT. Get us upset or flustered, language skills go POOF. It is apparent when I start getting into a discussion with someone that I either loose speech or my speech become convoluted. It's hard to have a conversation when I am upset because most NTs struggle to understand what I am saying and they get frustrated and then...everyone is angry.

It's like one of my drakkhani speaking their language to a human that knows it, but is still learning it. When upset the conversation ends up like this:

I could tell Taajah is frustrated, his head is lowered and his face is grim. I tried to ask him in English what's wrong, instead I got a response in Drakk. He flicked his tail and wiggled his ears, the barks and sharp word-clicks made the sentence hard to understand, I replied with a note of confusion in Drakk, I got a more growly response, changing the sentence again. At this point I just backed off. I can't understand Taahaj when he is angry.

Words become harder to understand when I am upset. Langauge almost changes. I have to find a way to keep myself from being upset...or have my sister play translator.

Xenophobia (comment repost)

This is a comment I made at left/Right brain. http://leftbrainrightbrain.co.uk/2011/04/reconsidering-the-nature-of-autism/#comment-157495

Funny how this is about pain of words when I did something similar myself
http://prismsong.blogspot.com/2011/04/april-2-words-can-hurt-you.html

It's funny you mention xenophobia Daedalus. Reading this and Drone's mind-numbing dehumanization of his child. It makes me think of the metaphors I use when describing autism to other folks. I often use the metaphor of sapien non-humans (my dragon people for instance you can read them here http://drakkhanistories.blogspot.com/) to parallel the experience of being an autist in a non-autistic word. It's easier for people to justify the abuse, the "at home" mad-science the so-called treatments. It's no different than 5th century Ireland. We were changelings then and were still changelings now.

Writing the discrimination between non human sentient beings and humans, is funny how much it echoes. Humans assume stereotypes as facts (IE all satyrs are boozers and rapists) they make assumptions based on emotions (IE the idea that we should hide our children away from nagas because they will eat them) we speak for them without say and so forth. It's funny while writing this I was allegorizing my own experiences as an activist.

Which brings an amused thought. Even if were not human, would our value be erased? Would our sentience be judged? Would be become a myth too?

Are autists humans or are they changelings switched out of their native faerie lands into this weird human word.

Funny thought huh?

April 2: Words can hurt you

Words can damage and hurt and ways people can't always see. This illustration shows the pain of what words can do to you. Especially...that word.

[sticks and stone can break my bones but words can always hurt me.

The problem with having so many ableist and gendered insults in our language is that we know none of them are appropriate but we still use them anyway. I have slung around the word "idiot" and "moron" all the time. We know that those words are not as destructive as "retard" or "freak" or any a myriad of the prolific patronizing words we slather on kids with DDs. I've heard them all.

Trying to cut back on ableist insults feels like a never ending climb. And many of use will resist with with saying "well I can't understand why people just don't ignored them." Ahhhh yesss abled privilege. Classic. The deal is though it's not like were "sensitive" or "over emotional". Words weight on us, and sink into us. Sometimes we had enough and we get upset over one more "You're such a retard." sometimes...like myself. You realize people have called you the R-word so many times. That you have become desensitized. Numb. The word doesn't hurt anymore because you start to believe it slowly but surely.

Yeah. I am the fucking retard.

words can damage and destroy, it can undo what has been done. For World Autism Awareness day I want people to be aware of the language the use. Both, obviously destructive and patronizing.

All Myths Are Truth

Or the existence of autistic adults and why deniers are plugging their ears.

Being an Autistic adult feels like being a fantastic creature. We don't exist to some people and once we show up they all rationalize and swallow themselves up in denial. I wonder if they would believe me if show them my spiral horn and feathery wings? Don't answer that, that was rhetorical.

Anne Dachel once again shows up in LBRB with the same short of bullshit that you hear every other white privileged denialist spew out from their botoxed lips. "WHERE ARE THE AUTISTIC ADULTS?!" As many said previously and I aim to do some repetition.

They are not hard to find. Just look in the institutions where many a severe autist is shoved into lysol scented halls like a bad sweater that your Aunt Jo gave you last Christmas. Just look in the prisons for the autists, or the schools. Trust me Dachel they are not invisible.

But low and behold to you they are invisible unicorns or faeries or some other "changeling" metaphor. Thusly many of us are drowning in a massive flood of financial chaos with no end in sight. While your autistic spawn is still sucking your breast, carefully wrapped in layers of Early Intervention, IEP and Feeding Programs to ensure your brood doesn't join the seething mass of the lot that wasn't fortunate. Well sucks to be you, because despite your hard sorted efforts to normalize your kid. Once he turns eighteen the gonna be fucked like the rest of us. Especially while he struggles to keep all his autistic behaviors under the bed and out of sight like cheap vibrator gotten from the Porno Store on the I-70. He's going to loose girlfriends(Or Boyfriends), he's going to get fucked over in jobs. He going to struggle. Hard. And while you rationalize that he's only "Mildly" autistic and push him to try harder while he keeps asking for some sort of help or support. He's going to try find a way to get help or a way out. Hopefully the latter isn't a 9mm.

Lets just face it. Your brat is gonna be one of us. One the many that is giving you the finger and telling your shut your airholes. He will either join us, go against us or lie in apathy and malcontent. One of the three. You're kid is probably 2...3...or even 4. But it's time to start thinking about what kind of safety net you will give him. It's time to get him that net, just in case.

You have no idea if he will be self-significant enough, and it's always to good to be practical.

Mathmatical thinking.

We're creatures of structure us autists. We like routine and we try to keep to our routine. Every morning at Nine o clock I get up and get on the computer. I check Dominic-Deegan first then e-mail and then Livejournal in that order. Then I get dressed, eat something or drink a cup of coffee brush hair and teeth, pack up and prepare to leave promptly at 10:15 or 10:17. I catch the ten-thirty bus. If the bus is late I get angry and I pace.

Even someone that can go with the flow has a set pattern. Even on the bus I sit on the same seat every day unless someone else is in it then I sit close by. Being anal about punctuality has a bonus though, I am almost never late to work. and I call in sick when I am under the weather.

Why are us autist so ridged when NTs are so pelt-melt? I can't tell you why I have to do the things I do. I'm not inflexible, I do other things within my morning routine like get a cup of coffee on the way to work, or cast runes or do tarot before I leave. In the afternoon I am back on the computer and I don't get off until I go get something to eat. Occasionally I go out with a friend on the weekends. But generally I keep to a pattern.

It's believe that we do this because we can't be abstract and have very black and white perspective. I don't think this is all the way true. We can be abstract but we're not black and white. I believe we're mathmatical thinkers. We follow a basic logic. A+B=C NT's don't. They are more, "A+B=whatever" They think logicily yes, but not mathematically. A mathematical thinker doesn't just put whatever answer the feels fits and then changes it when ever he likes. A+B=C that's it. For some autists, formals don't just change and when they do it doesn't make sense and we get confuse and panic. Because if "A+B=C.2 then what about the other formals and equations we follow? Does F-D+U=A now? We get angry when we're thrown off routine not because we're stubborn and we have to do things just so, but because now I don't know what to do or what the right response is and we end up panicking.

Whilst I am very flexible and I do enjoy spontaneity when I am not working and I love adventuring and exploring the new and the unknown (right brained here) Work is different. I have to follow a set of rules and routines. Getting me off these rules is not a good idea. Here is an example of this.

On Wendsday, the parents threw a big lunch for the teachers in an act of thanks. I had no idea about this. So when I walked into the Teacher's Lounge to clean the microwaves imagine my shock at all the food and teachers. Of course they welcomed me and said "Have some lunch Noranne" I was so confused and awkward (I mentioned that I was awkward and they all laughed), A+B now equals D. The math suddenly changed and I was scrambling to figure out why. I ate lunch an I appear to be totally fine but inside I was scared of getting yelled at by my supervisor. After lunch we talked before I left to go clean. She said ordinarily I wouldn't be allowed to eat in the lounge but today was ok. I nodded and was fine with it and I went back to work with some cookies and a clementine for later nomming. I was upset and confused but I went with it.

Changing routine is not something that parents do all the time unless they have to. Many know the consequences of breaking the equation to throwing a "whatever" into it. However many autists do learn to be "flexible" or rather in my case. Keep our frustrations and anger internal because gods forbid we ever get confuse when NT's do something that fucks up everything.

We also like routine I believe because we like to have a little control. One of the reasons I am so flexible at home than at work is because at home I can make my own decisions and not get punished. I don't have that power at work. So I want to know that after first period set up I start on heating second period's lunch. Because I have that power that knowledge. It's the only security I have and finally for some, it's the only comfort we have.

We like the comfort of A+B=C.

The kitsune illusion and thoughts on priviledge

Foxes were thought to live lives much like people, and in art they often interact with each other in a partially anthropomorphic form, standing on two legs and wearing clothes. But to enter the world of humans they had to look completely like them, as foxes caught trying to trick people with disguises would be severely punished, and often wound up in soup. A fox wishing to transform itself had many special techniques at its disposal, such as placing a human skull on top of its head and praying to the Big Dipper. A careless fox might still leave elements of its anatomy unchanged beneath its clothes, usually a tail but sometimes fur and paws as well, and sometimes it was thus discovered.

From Kitsune entry on Obakemono

Pretending to be normal is hard work. It's constant struggle to keep the illusion that you are human and not a 'fox'. My ears appear sometimes and my tail and I will always be a fox. But I have to disguise myself as a human to live happily. 

The illusion of normalcy is a guise that HFA wear often. We have too. It's not a choice that some may want, but it's a choice we preform on a regular basis in order to survive. For some it's tasking and over whelming. For others, it's gets wary after a long while many are tired of being "human". Misanthropy is a common side-effect. 

I used the allegory of the "kitsune" to demonstrate a point that being what you are not is not easy and not simple either. Normalcy is what many want to achieve, and those autists are blind-sided by the idea that 'normal makes everything better' or better than being autistic. Some that live highly complex and impaired lives and understandably, having that impairment lessen would be tremendous. I know this well as someone that deals with depression and mania as well as anxiety. Having those qualities  removed would be tremendous. However I feel that many are naive to assume that us "ninja autists" live easy and impairment-free lives. That is not the case. I am not living an easy life because I can handle sensory information better or being verbal. Even Ari probably has disability in his life too. But he works hard in keeping it in check all the time while public. He even states in articles that it's exhausting. Why do people have this delusion that Aspies don't struggle like LFAs do? Whilst we lack many difficulties, our problems are on the same page. We struggle to process information, we have cognitive functioning issues, we have sensory issues and we have a hard time communicating. Our problems are different but not any less valid. While I believe no one is disagreeing that. I feel that people don't understand how hard it is some times to be "human" when you're a "fox". 

Of course this is "old meme" and every parent has heard it before but I just thought I should give my two pennies about it.

Now on a different matter but on the same hand. What the hell is with all this privilege? I was reading this post on Kim's blog and it brought up a thought that I talk a lot about and even mentioned on my old "Fucking Ethics" essay. 

Why are NT's so gung ho in throw their privilege around? Why do parents always seem to assume what they want is what their child wants? As I stated in several blogs. I am pro-choice. I am neither anti or pro cure. Why? Because cure is such a loaded word and it has several meanings for some people. For some it means to speak for others it means not to be loaded with sensory information to the point of chronic overload. It's personal. Therefore it should be the choice of the autist. Problem is that we either have hierarchy or NT Privilege making statements and judgments that reek of ableism or disconnect. The thing that I see a lot of are parents (namely NT) that never confer or talk to their older autistic child about treatment or cure or the parents of younger ones who have this Holy Grail kind of goal and don't try to break it down. They need to realize eventually your son or daughter is going to have opinions of their own? What will you do when your child says: 'I don't want this program/diet/medicine anymore?' Or inverted. What will you do when your child asked to be cured? How will you go about that anti-cure parents? 

On the other side. Aspies need to STFU up when they say, "oh no cure for us HFA but them LFA need it." No. Not your choice either. I should be the person choice of individual not the heard. Especially when you do say that your basically taking a huge dump on the rights and awareness of of other 'Purple' autists and furthering the massive disconnect between they spectrum ends. Stop it. Also, while I shouldn't bitch at this. LFA's that want cure shouldn't be frowning at the LFA that use aug communication or have been institutionalized and don't want to be cured and are happy as is. Really when I say it's personal it's personal. In some context if an Aspie wants a cure then I hope he finds it. It's not going stop me from shaking my head in pity though. But I will wish him the best.

I think cure is too personal to be decided by a group or an observer. 

Also. I will get a picture of Tikaani up for everyone to say thanks for the donations <3

Walking the road to Hell and I am channeling C.S Lewis

No opening fiction piece this morning. It's gonna be short and sweet.

I think parents are wonderful. I adore writing stories about parents and their children and if you haven't noticed most of my characters have foster and adoptive parents. Tikaani, Kulap(my swamp shaman who was raised by he grandfather) My airbender boys (Chiko the one with the missing arm was raised by Yomi his elder brother/father figure) and even my magical characters. Taahaj one of the leads in my novel Rubicon was cared by Circe and Ezra two mages in a modern magical city.

However...parents of autistic children often walk the road to hell. Their good intentions and and misguided sympathy often leads children down the path of self-hate and distrust of older people. I am not talking about parents that love their children and see their autistic son or daughter as whole. But the biomed moms who are still wrestling that the world doesn't revolve around them anymore. I wondered if these parents forgot what it's like to not meet your parents expectations or rather have that constantly haunt them and they transfer that feeling to their own children.

Children are accessories or status objects but for the white yuppie culture. That's what they end up as. Parents love bragging about their children and anthropomorphic children (dogs) and it's no surprise if they end up with imperfect diagnosis that they will change that convincing themselves it's to make their son happy. Which is a pretty lie to hide the selfish truth.

How many parents that do biomed talk to their kids about treatment? If they too young to understand why. Don't do it.

To juxtaposition something else. The Drakkhani people (and my post on language was featured the other day on shift) are something of allegory on autistic people. I mentioned in my FAQ on them that they are somewhat "aspie" that is to say that they have very constructed thinking. Whilst their logic isn't at the "Vulcan" level; they really don't get human social behavior, and they have a very complex and mysterious language. They are not very good at some human tasks but they exceed in others. They have complex culture that people don't understand any many try to humanize them. While Drakkhani culture isn't like autistic culture the feeling being marginalized is there and to be frank it was after I analyzed them that I saw they connection. I was never my intent but some how they end up resonating with autistic people. They are also an androgynous culture too. They don't have issues with gender or sex as humans do since they themselves have little sexual dimorphism.