Juxtaposition

It's becoming interesting on how my disability permeates my life. How it's presents covers my everyday living. I have been pushing pasted the old barriers of my autism and continue to walk forward, and find new limits and eventually move pass them. It's a constant cycle of learning, adaptation and acceptance.

It's that acceptance that allowed me to realize something important about myself. I am not really female. I never felt happy being a woman, I do not truly hate my body however, and my dysphoria is mild compared to other trans males. But the acceptance of one aspect of myself allowed me to accept another aspect and thus I started on the path of juxtaposition. Passing as an NT and passing as a man.

Being NT and being a man are very different concepts of passing. NT is not a choice, being NT is a survival behavior an act of adaptation that is needed for independence. It's funny now passing as a man is not about survival but the purest nature of acceptance of oneself. It's exposing, unearthing my real self to the public and revealing in it's freedom. That being said I am not ready for hormonal treatment or maybe I will never go through with hormonal transitioning. It's up the air, but now that I feel much more comfortable as a trans male. It made me realize why it too so long. It had to do with passing as an NT.

As I stated earlier being NT isn't unearthing oneself and finding joy in letting go of a mask. Never wearing it again. Being NT is about putting on the mask. It's about lying, beguiling the rest of NT society. The idea of mask wearing of making sure my true autie nature didn't bleed through is what kept me from realizing that passing as a woman wasn't making me happy. But I had to pretend to be female to use my woman body to fit in. I kept making excuses to why I wasn't happy as a woman. I am really bigendered, I am mostly male but I am female too. They were excuses. Rationalizations because coming to grips with the fact I am a man was very tedious process. It was cathartic when I did finally start identifying and accepting the fact I am a man. It was a relief. The acceptance of my autism has becoming a blueprint to accepting and living as a trans-man. I found other autists that are trans male they became role models. The process was long and going against the lessons I learned as mask wearing autist. Yet now, it's done.

As a child, you learn from a young age that no body wants you to be yourself. No body wants you to be who you are. When people tell you, "it's ok to be you" it's a social lie. Being who you are when you are born different, autistic, learning-disabled, gay, trans, inter-sexed, deaf etc, is dangerous. Look at the countless people that have committed suicide over their difference. Human culture doesn't want diversity, they don't want acceptance. They want conformity under the lie that diversity is ok. They want people to feel comfy that it's ok to be different, or that...their difference is ok while the others are not. It's vile. We grow up being told one thing and then the opposite. No wonder everything is such a clusterfuck, how can we move forward with social progress when everything is so juxtaposed. How can we create a society that will not harm countless of children with different identities when we have such polar concepts? How can we cry that we love diversity and that it is good when at the same time when abusing and oppressing anything that is diverse? It's a paradox.

And one that will eventually undo us.

Everything Sucks

Tikaani's expression fits mine. I hate being so sick

Bard's on Autism now Part 1 and Part 2

Ok ok, blame my illness. But I decided to watch the NewsHour Autism Now special, because I have been slacking in responsive blog. I'll be watching part one and two tonight and three and four tomorrow.

Yeah guys pray for me.


Thoughts on Part one
-MacNeil introduced us to his grandson Nick and right away I knew this entire report is going to be biased. Nick is kind of cute, and he makes the same "eeeeee" http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifnoise I do! He lists off the symptoms of autism and then explains that his grandson his digestive problems.

-Ok so his mom does the "I know it's those "ebil vaccines" conspiracy and says that her kid cries all the time and has the runs. Ok well let just put another frame of ref. I have bowel issues (TMI I know) and I have issues when I just end up being grumpy and rather pissed off, but the tummy problems could be from diet and emotion regulations though an autistic issue in some cases can also be a bi-polar issue too.

-Nealy the sister sounds honestly too rehearsed. She definitely has Normal Child Syndrome many of the questions he asks his granddaughter feel directed like he is getting certain answers. It makes me uncomfortable.

-Nick has an obsession with buses, so why didn't you warn him when you changed his schedule suddenly? You know auties have issues with change, hell I still do and I'm 24. At least the kid seems to be flexible enough to go with it. Kudos for Nick

over all Part one seems...ok....but I know the worse is yet to come.


Thoughts on Part two

-Right away MacNeil goes on the "More common than AIDS cancer and diabetes" tripe. Why do people keep bring that up I mean c'mon

-The introduction to Julie Perin and Logan showed obviously that autism can show up in many ways (DUH IT'S SPECTRUM) what perked my interest was the something that Sally said. She said Julie many not communicate verbal but non-verbal communication works as well.

-Once again...spectrum with Logan and his brothers. Also omg stop with the "high-mid-low functioning thing"

-Yus duh, wider diagnosis is why we have such a rise in cases. BUT THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. (also <3 Grinker)

Ugh It seems MacNeil keeps pushing for environmental causation instead of "Oh hey maybe it's because we changed the diagnosis crits"

over all it wasn't HORRIBLE but it made me feel icky watching


BIASED MEDIA, UR DOIN IT MACNEIL

Chiko Anatomy notes (NSFW)

This post is not intended for children under the age of 18 contains mentions of nudity.




I haven't drawn Chiko in a awfully long time. So after some thought I decided to sketch him and discuss a bit some some base note on his body structure.



Chiko is rather short. Around five feet and four inches he's is actually average compared to his ethnic group, but to us, he's kinda puny. His build is bordering stocky (all those dumpling Chi-bird), he's fit and has some definition especially around his legs. He still suffers from some balance issues but compensates with excellent reaction time and good ol' airbender speed.

He is pretty cute as far as attractiveness goes. He has a short but round face, round noise and thin lips. Hair is actually slightly wavy but it's cut short to prevent it frizzing. Despite the various scars on his body (most are from the massacre like his missing arm) he's not that bad looking. However Chiko is very self-conscious (you can't blame him) and covers his left side a lot to prevent people from noticing his missing arm. He can hold his own in combat and is quite good in air-bending. His main flaw is his left side, however he has incredibly fierce kicks that can shatter stone and can whip up great gales. He can still fight with one hand which is something he likes to brag about occasionally.

He's a work in progress, but I hope to make him more distinct.

BLARG

This weekend has been utter hell. I am sick with something I don't know what, but it's killing me. I feel like death warmed over.

Also just a curiosity who still reads my blog? I don't see many comments anymore. Makes me sad.

Dick move Friday

Once again AutSpks pulls another jerk-baggy move this week.

I am not going even go off on how unethical this. This is down right theft. I am just wondering on what turdmonkey thought his was a good idea. CAPITALISM NOT JUST FOR BIG BUSINESSES

Xenophobia (comment repost)

This is a comment I made at left/Right brain. http://leftbrainrightbrain.co.uk/2011/04/reconsidering-the-nature-of-autism/#comment-157495

Funny how this is about pain of words when I did something similar myself
http://prismsong.blogspot.com/2011/04/april-2-words-can-hurt-you.html

It's funny you mention xenophobia Daedalus. Reading this and Drone's mind-numbing dehumanization of his child. It makes me think of the metaphors I use when describing autism to other folks. I often use the metaphor of sapien non-humans (my dragon people for instance you can read them here http://drakkhanistories.blogspot.com/) to parallel the experience of being an autist in a non-autistic word. It's easier for people to justify the abuse, the "at home" mad-science the so-called treatments. It's no different than 5th century Ireland. We were changelings then and were still changelings now.

Writing the discrimination between non human sentient beings and humans, is funny how much it echoes. Humans assume stereotypes as facts (IE all satyrs are boozers and rapists) they make assumptions based on emotions (IE the idea that we should hide our children away from nagas because they will eat them) we speak for them without say and so forth. It's funny while writing this I was allegorizing my own experiences as an activist.

Which brings an amused thought. Even if were not human, would our value be erased? Would our sentience be judged? Would be become a myth too?

Are autists humans or are they changelings switched out of their native faerie lands into this weird human word.

Funny thought huh?

April 2: Words can hurt you

Words can damage and hurt and ways people can't always see. This illustration shows the pain of what words can do to you. Especially...that word.

[sticks and stone can break my bones but words can always hurt me.

The problem with having so many ableist and gendered insults in our language is that we know none of them are appropriate but we still use them anyway. I have slung around the word "idiot" and "moron" all the time. We know that those words are not as destructive as "retard" or "freak" or any a myriad of the prolific patronizing words we slather on kids with DDs. I've heard them all.

Trying to cut back on ableist insults feels like a never ending climb. And many of use will resist with with saying "well I can't understand why people just don't ignored them." Ahhhh yesss abled privilege. Classic. The deal is though it's not like were "sensitive" or "over emotional". Words weight on us, and sink into us. Sometimes we had enough and we get upset over one more "You're such a retard." sometimes...like myself. You realize people have called you the R-word so many times. That you have become desensitized. Numb. The word doesn't hurt anymore because you start to believe it slowly but surely.

Yeah. I am the fucking retard.

words can damage and destroy, it can undo what has been done. For World Autism Awareness day I want people to be aware of the language the use. Both, obviously destructive and patronizing.

April 1: Autism Acceptance

Day one of the April_Drawing challenge



I had plans for this to be Tikaani but instead I tried another fictional autie of mine. Wilson.

Notes for today:
Autism acceptance today for me is more than being proud of my alter-neurology but something a little more broader. It's accepting the fact that I do have pervasive, and sometimes obstructive disability. It's the reason I have hard time keeping relationships (including my marriage) keeping a job, and many other things (like learning to drive). It's part of me, part of my identity88 part of my nature. It's not something I can remove or alter for long. Accepting one's disability and finding ways to not "conquer it" but to live with it. I think every diagnosed autist out there has those moments when your dad's 9mm in the closet up in the bedroom, seems to be a pretty decent cure. Afterall your disability won't haunt you when you're dead. But that is not the solution. Accepting yourself and who you are, will give you more comfort than fighting an uphill battle.

To me it's not about society accepting the fact that I am an autist. But myself accepting that I am autist.

To quote RuPaul, "If you can't love yourself, how the hell can you love somebody else?"