Rice Pudding Friday

I got rice pudding in the oven, and today is a chilly snow day. No work, and all play. I am gonna take this lovely three day weekend to enjoy my watercolors and the snow...from the inside.

Happy Winter everyone

Namaste

Deal with anxiety is never easy. And there are many ways to combat it. Drugs, pyschotherapy just simply managing it. Yet I discovered something that helped with social anxiety and learning to stay calm in many over powering social situations that might cause sensory overload.

I have discovered that Yoga lessons were very useful.

Yoga allowed me to slow my breathing down and my thoughts so I can think clearly. I've actually used some of the breathing exercises in meltdowns. They have actually helped me.

While yoga isn't for everyone and not everyone and find the benefits I have found. I do believe simple exercise and calming oneself to be very useful and applicable to everyone...not just folks like use

Surprise Fan

My mom woke me up this morning with a phone call telling me that is picking me up gawd awfully early for my disilussionment hearing. Here we go. Then we have SSI matters and then we're gonna see if we can get me on Food Stamps meaning more money for art 8D

However this morning is probably going to start off the weird today. I received an PM (private message) From someone that read my Literacy Narrative.


Hi, I'm Annie and I am a freshman at the University of Central Florida. I was
browsing the Digital Archive of Literacy Narratives for an English assignment
when I saw a video where you were talking about your experiences and opinions
about Autism( just in case you don't remember, it was around February of
2010). I was really happy when you mentioned that you were on
http://www.Fanfiction.net and I wanted to see if I could talk to you. You
showed me a few things about autism and even Avatar: The Last Airbender that I
didn't realize too much before. I wanted to thank you and I also wanted to ask
if it's possible for us to be friends. I know you might think I'm just some
random and weird person that just PMed you out of the blue, but you really
inspired me with that video. I can't wait to read your work and I'm hoping
that once I finally get around to posting my poems and short stories, that you
can help me improve my writing and give some feedback. Thanks and I hope that
you don't think I'm too weird and that I hear back from you soon!

~Annie

I know right? How cool and weird is that.

A Surreal walk down memory lane

For those that don't know. I am being re-evaluated for my Aspergers diagnosis. I am trying to get actual testing done so I can get services from Franklin County DD. Which has been a bureaucratic nightmare. During the several test and the hundreds of dollars that we shelled out (Which I felt guilty for my mom paying for all of this), we did the ADIAR test which was basically an interview about my childhood to see if I failed any developmental markers that would label me as an autist.

Dec 1 was the first half of the test. It was pretty surreal to hear that I was developmentally late physically and that I lack I think pragmatic speech (I was verbal but never used it to interact socially and to have conversations) I never had interactive play as a child and no eye contact. Today we finished the test and the entire evaluation. I felt a sense of pain for my mom today. As she recalled parts of my childhood that were well...heartbreaking. She always wanted eye contact from me but never got it. I never kept friends, and I withdrew a lot as a child. From the interview, it honestly sounds like I missed a lot of social markers. While I did communicate it was basically needs "Momma I want this, Momma get me this." or feelings but really not to anyone juts myself "I'm tired, I'm sad" and so forth. I recalled rituals of sitting in a particular spot at dinner religiously watching a particular program at a certain time. I stimmed a lot as a child and all the way to adult hood. I formed attachments with objects than people (Esse the frog and Sebastian the cat). It seem like I hit most of the symptoms.

Hopefully this evaluation and the others will make it apparent that I do have an ASD and confirm what I know is true.

Pecking orders

One of the most interesting trends I have noticed among my walk through the Autism community is a schism that most people rarely noticed.

The schism is the out right classism of the Cure-based parents and autists. Many of these adults are white and have the class privilege of buying into the over the top and expensive woo out there. Those that are on the poverty belt (fuck the "line"), can give into the expensive GFCF diets, pills, weird programs or any other "treatments" out there.

((forgot this bit))
In that stance I see these parents giving into the bullshit judge other parents who simply don't have the means. Sometimes obviously, other times with the backhanded comment that "I will do anything for my child and if you can't, you obviously shouldn't be a parent." I see it discourse with parents discussing treatments. The biggest judgers are the "White middle-class" moms.

Not surprising.

I am kinda curious how deep this rabbit hole goes. I wonder if culture is part of this issue on why white middle-upper class Americans are the most prevalent when it comes to woo?

Perhaps this is more ammo for my "Changeling Culture" essay.

Dear Friends

Hey friends,

I know my identity as a transman is new and scary for some of you. And you are at lost at what to do. My response is simple. I am still Bard. I am still, funny, quirky, smart and still me. My gender has changed but myself as a whole has not. You don't need you to treat me "like a guy" I just wanted to be treated like me.

With respect
Bard.

This is a letter to all of the folks that decided to shove me into a box and treat me with nonchalant indifference when I am hurt from mistreatment. It's funny how being trans and autistic kinda intersect in that regard

Also Jesus!goat died for your sins

Echoes of Wolves (Fic)

It was a rare treat, but once in a while, Tikaani smiled. Not a tight lip grin, that denoted unease or apprehension. And not the half-smile-half-smirk that was wry and almost sarcastic, but a real full smile. Tikaani had an incredible smile: a sheer ribbon of white that made his whole mocha face glow bronze. It made his blue eyes seem luminescent. I loved it when he smiled. It always made my day to see that bright grin, followed by that deep laugh of his. His smile could melt the North Pole ice.

Yet, it was somewhat bittersweet. He had that same bright, wild, untamed smile that Tigtuk had. Proud, and joyous. It seemed every day as Tikaani grew up he looked more and more like Tig. I couldn’t tell whether to be proud or melancholy. I should be proud; I should be happy to see his father's blood shine through him. Yet deep down I found it a bit saddening. To see the echo of the man that couldn't love him, that wouldn't love him.

The gods had an ironic sense of humor.

I saw Agna in him too. He had some of her mannerisms. The way he leans to the side in thought, or the way he hums to himself as he works. He had her laugh, deep and rich. He even snorted when he laughed too, like my sister. Yet despite those bits of my sister, I saw more of Tigtuk in him. He looked just like him when he was a teenager. Tall and lanky, like a wolf. Tigtuk moves like one, too, always with purpose and control. Always on the hunt. Tikaani didn't have that lupine kind of gait. His was meandering and haphazard. Yet when he was working or serious, I saw that wolf-walk bleed through.

In honestly, I was not mad at Tigtuk for abandoning Tikaani as a toddler. I understood his reasoning: it was better for Tikaani to be with a family that could give him the resources he needed. Tigtuk couldn't provide for Tikaani; giving him up was actually the mature thing to do. What got me mad, actually, was the complete disconnect. He never talked to me, or Maka, or Amana, or any of us. We didn't exist anymore. He didn't just abandon Tikaani, he abandoned us too. Here in the Water Tribe family was a big deal. To have him just completely ignore us...that was something we couldn't shrug off.

However...what took the cake was the fact that I heard from my niece, Lilu that Tig was hitting Agna. I don't tolerate that shit at all.

I didn't know all the intricacies of Tigtuk and Agna's relationship. I didn't pretend to know everything about them. Confronting Tigtuk wasn't my place as a woman. That was Maka's, but in the Water Tribe, accusing someone of domestic abuse was a grave offense. Maka and Tigtuk's friendship dissolved when Tigtuk gave up Tikaani. Tig never spoke to Maka and vice-versa. For Maka to accuse Tigtuk of hitting his wife, well I think everyone could imagine the kind of shitstorm that would come. It was better to play ignorant than open a can of worms. We didn't need a bloodfeud.

But I knew that it was plausible that Tig did hit Agna. Tigtuk always had a temper. It was like a fuse: once it you lit it, it ticked down until the bomb exploded. I was never afraid of Tigtuk's anger. Yet despite the fact his temper was short-lived, he was very violent. Many a time had he gotten into a fight with the other warriors of the north. Before he married Agna, he lost seven jobs in one year. All because he couldn't keep his anger in check. I thought Agna would help tame that wild wolf and while Tigtuk became more relaxed after their marriage, it kinda faded after Lilu was born, and completely dissolved when Tikaani came into the world too. Once again Tigtuk became feral.

However one always knows: wolves are never tame.

And Tikaani not only inherited his father's looks, but his temper too. Tikaani's temper was not out of rage nor was it explosive. It was out of frustration. Yet when Tikaani did get spiteful, I saw Tigtuk. Eyes narrowed, and his lips curved down into a sharp frown. I saw his father's wolf-like glare and the way he bared his teeth. Tikaani was rarely spiteful, it was also short-lived. One minute you saw the wolf-eyes, but the next minute Tikaani's face would soften and the echo of his father would be gone.

I knew Tikaani would become someone completely unique when he grews up. He may look like Tig, with that wild smile, long frame and sharp angular face. But despite that, he was still a different person. I knew never to let my own judgments of Tigtuk affect how I raised Tikaani. Tikaani was Tikaani, no matter what echoed through him. I loved what Tikaani was growing up into. Someone strong, proud, and full of unbridled joy.

And I still loved that smile of his. Tigtuk should be proud that his son had his gorgeous smile. That wild, wolf smile.

Time for Bed Tikaani

Stepping Forward

The lack of posting is mostly my fault (obviously). I have been dealing with a lot heavey emotional stuff including transidenity, my father's verbal and emotional abuse, work and dealing with the constant flow of life around me.

Because of this, my blog has little attention if December is any proof. I hate making resoultions because I could never keep them and they end up becoming more like empty promises. However, I will make an effort to post more stuff here besides art dumps and geek stuff. Hopefully I'll finish that essay I have on "Changling culture" and another post on passing as NT vrs passing as a man. I will have to do more post on my volunteer work "Tanya" but will see how that goes and Yes...more Tikaani art/fiction.

I might also start re-writing some old posts. So question? What posts of mine would you like to see redone?